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Bring Out Your Dead, Obituaries of the Week

Melinda Stumkins
November 14, 1982 – August 4, 2023

Born in Silver Spring, Maryland, Melinda Stumkins was a devoted wife, a loving mother to three children, and a loyal and honest friend to all who knew her. Then, four days ago, she learned what grindcore is.

Immediately after her first listen-through of the new album “Bloody Toenail Surprise” by the band Chemical Orphanage, Ms. Stumkins immediately quit her career of 27 years as a radiologist and attempted to rob a Sbarro with garden shears. The following day she went to a local tattoo parlor where she got a forehead tattoo of a vagina and a vagina tattoo of horse dick. Active in her community, Ms. Stumkins then attended a Chemical Orphanage concert during which she intentionally sharted on the nurse who was running the first aid tent. She passed away the following day from an overdose of Sterno, which had become her sole dietary source.

Ms. Stumkins is survived by her husband Kenny, children Lou, Daisy and Fran, and the nurse from the Chemical Orphanage concert who now knows firsthand the effect Sterno has on the human digestive system.

Roy Croce
March 5, 1955 – August 6, 2023

Born in Frankfort, Kentucky, Roy Croce briefly relocated to the town of Fiddlewit before being forced to evacuate when it was violently taken over by nonunionized carnies. At an early age he taught himself to play an instrument of his own invention: a bucket full of nails.

Mr. Croce would frequently approach buskers on the Frankfort streets and ask to jam with them. He would then proceed to furiously shake his bucket full of nails to no particular discernable beat until he was asked to stop. As a result of this behavior, Mr. Croce is today remembered as the godfather of the Kentucky folk-punk scene. He passed away earlier this week from decades of built up, untreated tetanus.

Mr. Croce is survived by his beloved bucket of nails, which the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame has preemptively declined to ever exhibit as an artifact.

Kandace Sprockets
July 22, 1991 – August 9, 2023

Kandace Sprockets was born in Salem, Massachusetts, to parents Exavior and Mysticlina-Hyperboob Sprockets. After dropping out of correspondence college, she worked briefly as a skeleton poser at Spirit Halloween.

Ms. Sprockets helped to found the spiritual empowerment practice “Sprocktology,” which emphasized self-confidence through the consumption of bat ashes. She was single-handedly responsible for the outbreak of ebola at an Orchid concert in 2014. Ms. Sprockets passed away peacefully after being bitten by multiple snakes, which she claimed were her harem.

She is survived by her mother Mysticlina-Hyperboob, and was preceded in death by her father Exavior who had previously died from that exact same snake thing.