Every Sonic Youth Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

How does one describe Sonic Youth? Are they that band “Juno” famously dismissed as ‘just noise?’ Or are they the New York icons that not only broke down the door for alternative music, but helped all their friends get through too? Maybe both those descriptions are apt or maybe they’re just that band you heard do the best version of “The Simpsons” theme ever and you shoplifted one of their albums from Sam Goody. Either way, here’s our ranking of their discography. For our own sanity, we will not be including the SY recording series which like Star Wars expanded universe are not canon.

16. The Whitey Album (1989 recorded as Ciccone Youth)

Originating as a project to cheer up Mike Watt, we guess you could call this their, thankfully brief, concept album phase. It’s essentially a one hour long tribute to Madonna where even the self-deprecating moments feel congratulatory and the cringe is seemingly endless. Listen to this one and you’ll see why they didn’t release it under their own name.

Play it Again: The covers of “Addicted to Love” and “Into the Groove” have an unironic playfulness that makes you wonder why they were such dicks to Narduwar.
Skip it: The rest of the album is so fucking pretentious it makes you realize why they were such dicks to Narduwar.

15. Bad Moon Rising (1985)

Can you still be punk while creating deep, melodic tracks? No, of course not. Don’t be stupid. So, with “Bad Moon Rising,” Sonic Youth began to cast off the shackles of genreism (is that a word? If not, can we get credit for creating it?) and began defining a unique sound that would inspire post-grunge about 10 years later. Okay, maybe that’s not such a good thing.

Play it again: “Death Valley ‘69” A haunting proto-grunge track about the Manson Family featuring Lydia Lunch before she got up her own ass.
Skip it: “Satan is Boring” I don’t know if Satan is boring, but this song certainly is.

14. NYC Ghosts and Flowers (2000)

A certain clout-chasing writer for a website we won’t name here tried to boost his profile by giving this album a zero. While by no means in the upper echelon of Sonic Youth’s body of work, the review was an obvious publicity stunt that conveniently overlooked the fact that SY had to start from scratch after all their customized gear was stolen. And we all know when your gear is stolen so is all your creative energy. It’s kind of like when a witch curses you.

Play it Again: “Small Flowers Crack Concrete” is a good chill track to smoke a bowl over.
Skip It: “StreamXSonikSubway” is a throwback to early Sonic Youth and I don’t mean that in a good way.

13. Confusion is Sex (1983)

Look, not every debut album can be [Don’t forget to add iconic debut album of highly influential band.] This one is their most rooted in the No Wave scene that they emerged from and, thankfully, left behind. There’s an almost sinister sound to this one. Maybe too sinister. Like, hey, my life might be in danger, kind of sinister. But of course this was back when you had a not insignificant chance of getting stabbed in the Lower East Side of New York.

Play it Again: “She’s in a Bad Mood”
Skip It: ‘Confusion is Next” Thurston screaming ‘Sonic tooth’ over and over again has very Matt Damon in “Team America’ vibes

12. Rather Ripped (2006)

This one feels like Sonic Youth’s most introspective work and I guess that’s kind of fitting for their penultimate album. While they wouldn’t break up for another five years, this one has an “Abbey Road” type feel to it in the sense that you get the sense that they’re all kind of sick of each other. Had we listened to the lyrics a bit more closely, perhaps we’d have caught on that Thurston and Kim’s marriage was in trouble.

Play it Again: Incinerate is about the closest SY has ever come to writing a straightforward love ballad.
Skip It: While this isn’t a favorite of theirs, none of the tracks on here are skippable.

11. Sonic Nurse (2004)

Fun fact: “Kim Gordon and the Arthur Doyle Hand Cream” was originally named for Mariah Carey, but they had to change it for legal reasons. We’d like to think Mariah would’ve been cool with this given her appreciation for alt-rock that Ed Templeton liked to use in skate videos, but this was coming not long after “Glitter” so you can forgive her for not being in the best headspace for playful ball-breaking.

Play it Again: “New Hampshire” is a solid post-punk tune that invokes a live free or die spirit of its namesake
Skip It: “Peace Attack” is a bit too jam band for our liking.

10. Dirty (1992)

SY’s second album for Geffen and first post-“Nevermind” isn’t bad per se, but feels more as if Sonic Youth is trying to replicate the bands that they inspired rather than the other way around which is why it’s not ranked higher. Check out the Spike Jonez-directed video for “100%” to catch a pre-movie star Jason Lee skateboarding.

Play it Again: Drunken Butterfly is pure noise and Kim’s throaty speak-singing at its finest.
Skip It: This is another one where you really should listen to all the tracks.

 

9. The Eternal (2009)

When released, we weren’t aware this was going to be Sonic Youth’s final album as of the time of this publication and it received average to good reviews. Much like David Bowie’s “Black Star,” this one is worth reevaluating and is much better than the tepid reviews of the time will have you believe since most critics, not us though,, suck at life. This was also the only album featuring Mark Ibold as an official member of the group.

Play it Again: “Anti-Orgasm” but not in that obnoxious Christian way.
Skip It: “Leaky Lifeboat (for Gregory Corso)” feels out of place here.

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Aging Hardcore Guy Receives Gold X Swatch at Mosh Retirement Party

Posted on by Trevor Graham

COLUMBUS, Ohio — Aging hardcore guy and noted crowd killer Tom Reilly reportedly received a gold X Swatch for his decades-long career as a pit kickboxer at his mosh retirement party, sources with bloody noses confirmed.

“Wow! It’s hard to believe that I’m retiring from moshing already. Seems like just yesterday I was a young grom tomahawk chopping the backs of peoples’ heads at the Martyr A.D. show,” said Tom Reilly, 38, as he admired his mosh retirement gift. “I spent a lot of years running into teenage girls trying to avoid the pit but this watch makes it all worth it. It’ll look great on my wrist as I stand on the side of the stage knocking over kids as they try to do their first stagedive.”

Reilly’s coworkers at his actual job with his uncle’s landscaping service company say it’s great that he is able to have this retirement from moshing because he’ll realistically never be able to retire from his job.

“Yeah, it’s cool that he is able to retire from that mosh dancing at those heavy metal shows or whatever, because, with all the money he spends on band hoodies and baseball hats to cover up his receding hairline, he will be shoveling mulch until the day he dies,” said his coworker Josh Philips. “I don’t understand watch with the ‘X’ on it either. He says it means you are a ‘straight edger’ where you don’t drink or do drugs but me and him are blazing up in the back of his uncle’s truck every day. He says he is worried the other straight edgers will find out and it’s sad to me that some guy who is almost forty would worry so much about what a bunch of teenagers think about him.”

Scene historian Brian Roland says that he has noticed a trend recently that the average age of mosh retirement has gone up.

“It used to be standard for someone to retire from moshing at age 25 but in recent years we have seen that number spike up into the mid to late 30s,” said Roland. “We think that because of all the nostalgia reunion shows older scenesters are able to set it off well past their prime. If these trends continue the average age for mosh retirement could hit the mid-40s within the next few years which would just be sad for everyone involved.”

At press time, Reilly was seen creating a shoegaze playlist and was said to be looking at a Fender Jazzmaster on eBay.

How To Support Your Local Scene When Your Local Scene Is Just Dueling Steely Dan Cover Bands

Posted on by Dan Bookbinder

Growing up, there were local shows at teen centers, VFWs, and in friends’ basements nearly every weekend. My parents retired to Palm Lagoon, a shitty beach town on the Florida panhandle, and due to health issues, I came down to help them out. I started going out and exploring the local music venues, with the goal of giving back to the DIY scene that gave so much to me.

I decided to apply the same support check-list I adhered to in my hometown:

Attend Events

I figured since this place is basically sandy Alabama, the bands would be playing country and covers. I started at Bruno’s Barefoot Bar to see a band called Dirty Work, simply because of their name, which seemed like it would be a hard rock group. Nope, Steely Dan tribute band.

I think Steely Dan, like most classic rock bands, is fine. I wouldn’t buy their albums or anything, but if they come on somewhere, I don’t complain.

The next week, I went to Don’s Hideaway and saw Reelin’ In The Ears, another Steely Dan tribute band, except they dress up. I made it a point to go see a different show for the next two weeks, and it was literally all the same. Every single group was a slight variation – There were The Show Biz Kids, who did deeper cuts, Steely Ann, which was the all-female group, Steely Drum which did reggae versions, the goofs in Yacht in the Act focused on Steely Dan songs, and Old McDonald’s Farm the Michael McDonald impersonator from Tallahassee only does Steely Dan songs from when he was in the group. The “Live Band Karaoke with Aja” had a song binder exclusively of Steely Dan, even the “Pretzel Logic Trivia” hosts would get booed if they didn’t have Steely Dan questions.

Even when the local shows were two hardcore bands in hockey jerseys opening for 12-year-olds covering Sum 41, I never felt this alienated.

Recommend Them To Perform At Venues

No need. Everywhere I went: Rum Shack, Hurricane Huey’s, Johnny Rebel’s, and The Typhoon, all had one of these Steely Dan cover acts playing. They play every night, sometimes at the same bar during the same week, and sometimes they open for each other.

If you are looking for live covers of Steely Dan, you have your pick. Right now, I’d kill to see an old man in a Hawaiian shirt and parrot hat doing Jimmy Buffet songs.

Buy Merch

As a teen, my battle vest was covered in pins and patches, and I covered my Plymouth Reliant in stickers. It was a way of expressing ourselves and throwing up a flag for like-minded folk and a cheap way to financially support the bands. Aside from Dread Zeppelin, I’ve never seen merch for tribute acts, but these dudes’ merch tables take up half the room. It’s not stickers and t-shirts, these are premium items for the modern boomer – polo shirts, windbreakers, golf balls, golf markers, and visors. All for a fake band!

Put up Flyers or Posters

My Kinko’s was the scene’s base of operations. I worked the overnight shift, collecting all the copy cards, and once my manager left, I hooked up everyone. Zines, fliers, CD inserts, if you asked nicely, I got you. I used those connections to start promoting shows and putting out 7 inches. Down here, they don’t need to promote. Unless football is on, one of these Dad band rejects is playing.

Support them on Social Media

I added these local groups on Instagram and it fucked my algorithm. Now I’m getting ads for reverse mortgages, watching bathtubs, and Fox Nation. I’m permanently cursed for following the musical equivalent of the CVS orthopedic aisle.

Help Them Collect Tips

To help ends meet, we’d regularly pass around the bucket. Most of the time, no matter how small the crowd, they’d drop whatever they had in. One night, during the merciful interlude when Donald Fakin’ drops some trivia about how the original drummer was Chevy Chase before going into a welcome medley of “Holiday Road,” “I’m Alright,” and “You Can Call Me Al,” I passed around the empty tip jar from the bar. I encountered nothing but venom.

Tell The Venue How Much You Enjoy Their Music And That You Came To See Them

Here’s the thing: None of these bands are even that good. They’re always drunk, but not in a chaotic way, just sleepy. I tried to contact old acts from my youth and try to book them down here, but the travel is too much, and I can’t honestly sell it as a vacation spot, since the only beach in town has more syringes than grains of sand. So I’m stuck here, being the sole supporter of a scene for bands I fucking hate.

Every Song on the “Drive” Soundtrack Ranked By How Much They Make You Want to Rob a Pawn Shop

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

So you’ve decided today is the day you knock off your neighborhood pawn shop in order to repay some debts you accrued while in prison. You’re going to need the help of your handsome neighbor (who is trying to bang your wife by the way) and you’re going to need the right tunes to get you excited. We have good news, they basically made a movie about this exact scenario, and that movie has a complete soundtrack we plan on ranking so you know which song to play right before you start busting some heads.

19. Cliff Martinez “Wrong Floor”

If this song gets you excited for armed robbery then you are far more psychotic than you realize. This sounds like the music they play in the lobby of some new-age place where you pay $65 for some hippie to put warm rocks on the back of your knees.

18. Cliff Martinez “I Drive”

Wait a second, this is basically the same exact song as before. This is not what you need right now. Fight the urge to fall asleep, take some of those pills you bought off that trucker last year and see if they get your heart racing, because this is a snoozer.

17. Cliff Martinez “He Had a Good Time”

Remember last year when the guys on the job site dared you to jump from the third floor of a building into a dumpster full of cardboard? You turned “Ride the Lightning” up to full blast and jumped. Yeah, you hurt your back, got addicted to painkillers, and now your life is screwed, but you need to return to that level of energy, not this somber background music.

16. Cliff Martinez “Where’s the Deluxe Version”

Hey Cliff, more like “Where the fuck is the fucking guitar?” Am I right? I’m starting to think this Cliff Martinez guy just sits at a keyboard all day thinking to himself “How can I write a song so boring that it makes you fall into a coma?” Mission accomplished. Not a single armed robbery has ever occurred while listening to this song.

15. Riz Ortolani “Oh My Love” feat. Katyna Ranieri

Ok, at least this song has lyrics, the problem is that this song seems like something a cartoon Ladybug would sing to a flower in a Disney movie from the 1940s. What we need right now is a song from one of the wolves inside of you sung to the other wolf inside of you about how much society sucks.

14. Cliff Martinez “See You in Four”

Nothing about this song makes me want to rob a business. You couldn’t even rob a liquor store to this song. Imagine you’re inside, screaming “Get down, get down, or I’ll blow your head off!” while this music played in the background. That’s unhinged behavior my friend.

13. Cliff Martinez “On the Beach”

I keep having to turn this song up louder and louder to even know it’s playing. If you are about to rob a pawn shop then chances are you were at Woodstock ‘99 and chances are you stood right in front of the speakers when Korn was playing, you’re hearing doesn’t recover from that so this song barely registers.

12. Cliff Martinez “Kick Your Teeth”

Judging by the song title, this should be akin to Limp Bizkit circa 2003. But unfortunately, Cliff Martinez doesn’t seem to write music for people who were dishonorably discharged from the Army for assaulting a caterer at a Christmas party. We could really use some Durst energy right about now.

11. Cliff Martinez “My Name on a Car”

I’m starting to think Cliff Martinez doesn’t know how to party. If he came to your party and someone said “Hey Cliff, play us something on the keyboard” you would want something that rocks, if he played this everyone would be like “Keep your cocaine, I’m going to make it an early night.”

10. Cliff Martinez “They Broke His Pelvis”

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me for thinking ol’ Cliff would surprise me. If you told me you’re listening to a song called “They Broke His Pelvis” I’d assume it’s a song about a guy jumping the barrier at a Pantera concert and security putting the boots to him, instead we get audible Ambien.

9. Cliff Martinez “Rubber Head”

Remember when you stayed at that fancy hotel because you just won a settlement from Arby’s because you found a huge clump of hair in your roast beef sandwich? This was a lot like the music from the pornography pay per view screen. Simpler times.

8. Cliff Martinez “Skull Crushing”

If I ever see Cliff Martinez on the street I’m going to beat the crap out of him and his entire family. When Devourment wrote “Baby Killer” did they play a soft little ambient song with no lyrics? No, it was heavy and it was about killing babies. Cliff seems to take skull-crushing very lightly, and that’s a problem for me.

7. Cliff Martinez “After the Chase”

This song starts off heavier than any song before it, so for a brief shining instant you might think it’s time to kick in the door of the pawn shop, break the jaw of the guy behind the counter with your gun, and load your Jansport full of cash. But, then the song turns into another wimpy effort.

6. Cliff Martinez “Hammer”

I owe everyone reading this an apology. Based on the premise of the movie I thought this soundtrack would rock as hard as Oz Fest 2005. But not once have any of us been rocked. “Hammer” builds to something that almost resembles rocking and then cuts off. I’ve never been more upset in my life.

5. Cliff Martinez “Bride of Deluxe”

Holy crap, I think this song has a guitar in it. And it sort of has a fast tempo. With the right cocktail of alcohol and prescription medications you could get messed up enough to actually pull this off. But if you miscalculate the cocktail you might just end up dancing in the parking lot until the cops come.

4. Desire “Under Your Spell”

Ok, no more Cliff Martinez from here on out, unfortunately things don’t get much better. If you were hoping for blistering guitar, double bass, and growling vocals then this song isn’t for you. I’m pretty sure this was the song that was playing in American Apparel when you tried robbing that place in 2010

3. College “A Real Hero” feat. Electric Youth

Rounding into the top three and not a single note of this song should make you want to commit armed robbery. If anything it’s more likely you will end up texting your ex, finding out she’s married now. She has kids, she seems happy. You should let her go, you have more important things to focus on right now.

2. Chromatics “Tick of the Clock’

In all reality this just sounds like Cliff Martinez drank a strong cup of coffee and wrote a song in 15 minutes. This is only at number two because there isn’t a single Hatebreed song on this soundtrack. Why is that? Would it kill them to add a little Hatebreed?

1. Lovefoxxx, Kavinsky “Nightcall”

The only, and I mean only, reason this is number one is because a wolf howls at the beginning of the song. And you my friend are an alpha male, an apex predator, a man with nothing to lose. It’s time to stop sitting around thinking about it. Go rob this pawn shop, maybe they will have a few Slayer CDs for sale in there you can listen to after to wash the taste of the “Drive” soundtrack out of your mouth. That is if you survive of course.

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Court Order States Buckcherry Fan Not Allowed Within 50 Feet of Any Tattoo Guns

Posted on by Chris Bowen

ANAHEIM, Calif. — A county judge recently issued a rare order of protection against Buckcherry fan Ricky Stewart forbidding him to come within 50 feet of any tattoo guns due to his obscene, Buckcherry-inspired tattoos, several inebriated sources report.

“I thought this was a free country, man. If I want to enhance my body with tribal tattoos and tats of a band I’ve seen several times on their state fair and casino tour, I should be able to,” Stewart said, adding that he spent a whopping $38 dollars to have “chaos” tattooed on his abdomen just like Buckcherry singer Josh Todd. “One minute I’m in my buddy’s garage, getting some ink done, then the next minute a SWAT team breaks in and now I have to let everyone on my block know I’m a Buckcherry fan. This is more harsh than my coke possession and second-degree manslaughter charges.”

Judge Lisa McGregor believes her decision to issue the order is for the good of the community.

“The crude, irresponsible, and downright heinous display of so-called ‘body art’ depicted on the defendant left me no other choice but to make sure it doesn’t happen again,” Judge McGregor explained. “Not only is it an egregious abuse of the art of tattooing, it’s also an injustice to the defendant himself, and those around him. This was probably one of the clearest open and shut cases I’ve ever seen, only second to the Jeffrey Dahmer one.”

Music historian Ronald Edwards revealed how fans of other bands have had similar run-ins with the court system.

“As most everyone knows, being a fan of music is undoubtedly the most stressful and sometimes dangerous type of person you can be,” Edwards explained. “If you’re into a band that a cop or judge doesn’t enjoy as well, you can find yourself in some serious shit. For example, Tool fans all over the world have court-ordered restrictions on aux cord abilities. Others require law enforcement supervision to even assemble a Spotify playlist for a party. Sometimes being a closet fan is simply the better option.”

At press time, it was reported a fan in Texas was issued the death penalty for receiving a Puddle of Mud-inspired tattoo.

Every The Dillinger Escape Plan Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on by Michael Luis

Some people think of Dillinger Escape Plan as a hardcore punk band, others consider them metal, while most people probably don’t consider them music at all, but regardless of your opinion of the New Jersey band, their impression on modern heavy music is impossible to ignore. If you never got a chance to see them live, I feel sorry for you as there was truly nothing like it. However, you should also feel thankful because you likely avoided shattering your pelvis. Just as impressive as the band’s record sales are the thousands of dollars in medical bills accrued for both the members of the band and their fans. I’ve never been to war, but I imagine it’s a lot like a Dillinger show. There’d be more guns and less guitars but an equal number of detached limbs and dislodged teeth. Though guitarist Ben Weinman was the only constant presence for the groups 20-year history, they produced an immaculate discography that saw the group mold and evolve their sound across several different lineups. This is the authoritative ranking of the said discography. If you disagree with me, fight me. You’ll have to take my word for it, but I’m just as buff as Greg so watch out.

PS: We’re only doing full-length LPs here so all you Mike Patton Stans can zip it. Yes, we know “When Good Dogs Do Bad Things” is the best song ever written, but we’re not talking about that right now.

6. Dissociation (2016)

Sadly my editor wouldn’t let me put every album in a six-way tie for first, so here’s the band’s final album in last place. While it features all of the trademarks of a late-period Dillinger album – a mix of mathcore hissy fits, soaring rock choruses, and virtuosic instrumentation – it never truly shocks you with something you’ve never heard before from the band. Granted, with it being their final release, looking back into their two-decade history and mining it for inspiration makes it an apt swansong. There are some quirky left turns like Mahavishnu-esque strings and a trippy IDM detour that sounds like a rejected Aphex Twin B-side. There’s also that scream in “Honeysuckle.” You know the one.

Play it Again: “Honeysuckle,” “Limerent Death,” the second half of “Nothing to Forget.”
Skip It: The first half of “Nothing to Forget,” “Symptom of Terminal Illness,” “Fugue.”

5. Miss Machine (2004)

Replacing a beloved frontman isn’t easy. However, when Dimitri Minikakis left the group after only one album, Dillinger knocked it out of the park with the addition of human bicep Greg Puciato. Not only could he deliver a deranged scream like his predecessor, the Italian stallion can croon like a lounge singer with a martini in his hand. His clean vocal chops are showcased most notably on “Setting Fire to Sleeping Giants” and “Unretrofied,” two tunes that have more in common with Faith No More and Nine Inch Nails than anything else in their catalog at that point. This pissed off a bunch of cranky metalcore dudes and set the precedent for future Dillinger material that would resemble actual music.

Play it Again: “Panasonic Youth,” “Highway Robbery,” “Setting Fire to Sleeping Giants”
Skip It: “Phone Home,” “Crutch Field Tongs”

4. One of Us is The Killer (2013)

“One of Us is The Killer” answers the question “What if the Dillinger Escape Plan made another record that’s just really fucking good like their previous ones?” “Prancer” and “When I Lost My Bet” might be the best opening duo of the band’s career and the whole record masterfully blends their more melodic tendencies with the chaotic hardcore of their early days. Killer also features one of their better token instrumental songs in the wonderfully janky “CH 375 268 277 ARS” (rumor is that if you can guess what the title means, they must reunite). My money’s on Billy being the killer, by the way. It’s always the unassuming ones.

Play it Again: “Prancer,” “When I Lost My Bet,” “One of Us is The Killer”
Skip It: This is when Dillinger albums start getting into “no skips” territory but “Crossburner” is a bit of a bore.

3. Calculating Infinity (1999)

There are several dudes out there who smell like garbage and have Man Is the Bastard neck tattoos who will tell you that this is the only good Dillinger Escape Plan album because it’s the gnarliest. There’s no clean singing, no quasi-radio-rock bangers, and the instrumental interludes feature looped samples, squelching noise, and grinding machinery. Is it Dillinger’s best album? No, but is it their most important album? Absolutely. It kicked off a legendary career with one of the most deranged and unique debuts in the history of punk and metal. “43% Burnt” is also a great song to put on at a party when it’s 3:00 a.m. and the only people still there are three weird guys doing key bumps in the kitchen and you want them to leave.

Play it Again: “Sugar Coated Sour,” “43% Burnt,” “Clip The Apex…Accept Instruction”
Skip It: “Weekend Sex Change”

2. Ire Works (2007)

While every Dillinger Escape Plan album is varying degrees of weird, this is the weirdest one by a significant margin. While Miss Machine introduced some new flavors to the Dillinger recipe, “Ire Works” swung the fridge open and started throwing everything into the pot (I shouldn’t write these when I’m hungry). There are straight-up pop-rock songs, Warp Records-style electronics, Indonesian gamelan bells, Latin percussion, and all sorts of other silliness. “Ire Works” can be a bit of a jumbled mess at times, but that’s what makes it so compelling considering it’s from a band known for its robotic precision. The promo cycle for this album also yielded Greg singing on Conan O’Brien’s desk which gives it substantial bonus cred.

Play it Again: All of it.
Skip It: Okay, maybe you can skip tracks 4-7 if it gets too zany for you. But it’s Dillinger so I hope you’re here for zany.

1. Option Paralysis (2010)

Very fitting that this record is called “Option Paralysis” as that’s what I experienced when deciding what to put at number one. In revisiting the discography, it was this record that made me go “Wow, that was fucking cool” more than any other. While albums like “Ire Works” and “Miss Machine” tracks can be organized by the heavy songs, the pretty songs, and the weird songs, the bulk of “Option Paralysis” blends all three vibes seamlessly within the same compositions. It stuck a middle finger to the rearview and firmly told anyone hoping for a “Calculating Infinity” Pt. 2 that they would never get what they wanted. It’s the heaviest, catchiest, and most adventurous album by a band that does all three things better than anyone else.

Play it Again: You could probably play “Farwell, Mona Lisa” 10 times in a row and find a new favorite part each time. And that’s just the first song.
Skip It: Nada.

 

Punk Band Returns From Tour in Different Van With All New Members

Posted on by Scott Murray

LOS ANGELES — Aptly-named punk band Ship of Theseus is having a bit of an identity crisis after returning home from a successful tour in a different van than they started in, with an entirely new roster of band members and crew, confirmed sources who don’t really know what the hell is happening.

“You know, when I joined the band I never expected to be the longest-standing member so quickly,” said Simon Hobbes, who took over on guitar after one member was jailed for DUI outside of San Diego the first night of tour. “It’s been nearly a month and I’m settling in pretty well. The music is simple enough, I basically learned the entire catalog in about an hour. I’ve even started adding a bit of flare to some of my parts, believe it or not. Maybe it’s because he was always drunk, but I’m pretty sure the former guy could barely play guitar.”

Longtime fan Lonnie Millburn says this is nothing new for the band.

“It’s kind of what Ship of Theseus is known for. The more shit changes, the more it stays the same” said Milburn while trying to update the band’s Wikipedia page for the third time today. “The music is still great, so I’ve stuck it out. These guys have burned through twice as many members as Black Flag, Ramones, and Misfits in half as long. It’s crazy trying to track down all the contributors over the year. Some of these dudes don’t even have last names as far as I can tell, but their impact on the band is undeniable.”

Punk philosopher, Catherine Lex, reports entirely new band called Custodial has since been formed from past members.

“At this point, the fans are practically at war. Some think the current Ship of Theseus lineup is the real band, while others think Custodial’s music is the rightful continuation of the project. Technically, they’re both correct.” said Lex. “You might find it odd for two versions of the same band to technically exist, but it’s par for the course in this incestuous scene. I actually just heard both bands will be on tour together next month, which is sure to split some heads.”

At press time, the band could not be reached for comment because their manager had recently quit and asked if we could take over.

Back In My Day, We Paid Off Student Loans The Old Fashioned Way: Getting Your Foot Purposely Run Over By A Campus Bus

Posted on by Jus Kaplan

These days it seems like every class graduating from college is more entitled than the last. Do these kids honestly think their student loan debt should be canceled just because they majored in underwater basket-weaving and can’t land a job? How ridiculous. They should have made better life choices! What responsible people like me did back in 1991 was get one of our feet crushed to bits by a campus bus.

Yup, like thousands of smart students before me, I took initiative and made choices that would support my financial future. At 1 a.m. on a foggy Sunday night, I hopped in front of the Cavalier Connection bus on 2nd Street and got my left foot absolutely demolished by 12 tons of public university transportation. That bus was worth its weight in gold.

Before you ask, the incident—or as I prefer to call it, investment—was ruled an accident. That’s the reason my tuition was covered in full for my last 3.5 years of college. But it was by no means an accident: I had the foresight to plan ahead, unlike today’s helpless students. They all want a handout when really they just need to stick a foot out!

When my nephew, a freshman at Tufts, asked me recently why I walk with a distinct limp, I proudly explained the reason to him. He was appalled! “Why the hell would you do that to yourself?” he asked snidely. “Student loan debt is far more crippling,” I replied. “One day you’ll look at your bank account and wish you took the dive. Trust me.” He doesn’t really talk to me anymore.

Neither does my former classmate Richard, who was also purposely hit by a campus bus. That’s mostly because he didn’t time it right and got a pretty serious TBI. Still, he’ll never have to pay his student loans either.

Life is about making sacrifices. Anyone can afford higher education in America if they’re willing to maim themselves a little bit. That’s why we’re the best country in the world.

Conservative Vows to End All Systems of Child Abuse Except Ones That Actually Exist

Posted on by John Danek

LAREDO, Texas — Conservative Tanner Oakenson recently committed his life to destroying all forms of fictional child abuse invented by his favorite conservative podcasters and commentators, proud friends reported.

“I just care so deeply about the children, and it pisses me off to hear the ways they are molested in plain sight at drag story hours or abducted off the street by Nancy Pelosi and Hillary Clinton and mined for their adrenochrome,” professed Oakenson, despite lacking a single tangible shred of evidence that either of these things have ever happened even once. “Every newspaper journalist or newscaster on TV is a child molestor, so you can’t trust them to report any of it. I only get my news from The Daily Wire podcasts and www.american-patriot-news.biz.us. I plan to end all these systems of abuse by tweeting at Joe Biden in all caps and sharing LibsOfTikTok videos to my family text chain until I’m blocked.”

Others on the right offered alternatives to “dangerous” environments for children like Pride parades or classrooms with college educated teachers.

“It’s time for a return to family values. Send your children to my Sunday School classroom, mmmm, yes,” said Father Ray Palmer, a Catholic priest whose thin mustache should be enough to trigger an investigation for criminal conduct. “I will talk to them at length about the sins of premarital sex and masturbation in my classroom with no other adults or cameras. Keep your little ones away from the demons outside, send them to me instead to be completely unsupervised in an environment that has a legacy of being safe for children. Praise be.”

Actual experts in the realms of human trafficking and child abuse expressed some frustration at conservatism’s preferred areas of focus.

“FOR FUCK’S SAKE, THERE IS REAL CHILD ABUSE HAPPENING IN THE WORLD, AND IT ISN’T WHAT THESE DIPSHITS ARE OBSESSING ABOUT,” screamed an aggravated Dr. Erica Herd, social worker and researcher on human trafficking. “Jesus Christ, infinitely more cases of child abuse have happened in family homes, places of worship, and ‘traditional values’ groups like the Boy Scouts. But conservatives don’t care about actually protecting children. They care about demonizing anyone who challenges their ancient, rigid expectations of how the world should operate. But you can’t talk logic to these people, so I’m at a complete fucking loss for what to do anymore.”

In a complete surprise to no one, Oakenson has been arrested and is held on bail pending the FBI’s investigation of multiple computers confiscated from his home for child sexual abuse material.

Rules for Replacing a Lead Singer

Posted on by Jeff Bender

Let’s face it, you’ve had it with your singer. For years they’ve been on thin ice, drinking or snorting or sleeping with your significant other. It’s time to find a replacement. But tread carefully: Replacing a singer is a tender thing. Best to stick with the rules.

1. Confirm that they don’t have any legal rights to the band’s intellectual property

Turns out inviting that old lawyer to one of your sex-and-cocaine afterparties isn’t such a bad idea after all.

2. Make sure they’re actually bad for the band

If your current singer is a hard-working team player who can sing really well, you could save yourself a lot of time by just letting them continue in their current role.

3. Get their address

Whether mailing the news, sending a singing telegram (via your new singer), or breaking up in person, you’re going to want to know where they’re holing up these days.

4. Remind them of Steve Perry’s illustrious solo career

Sure, you’re a grind band with only guttural vocals, but we recommend having “Oh Sherrie” twinkling somewhere in the background anyway.

5. Check to see if they’re not already dead

This could also be step #1. A simple internet search will indicate if you have to go through the stress of a breakup or if you can just save face by calling them a hero in the media before finding a replacement. (See: AC/DC.)

6. Ask whoever thinks they’re still in the band to raise their hand

Is it possible your frontman already knows, and you don’t have to tell them? That would be so great!

7. Pack up all their stuff in the practice space beforehand

And be thorough. You don’t want them wandering back to your next rehearsal claiming they forgot their Nirvana poster.

8. Offer a reference letter and benefits package

Soften the blow by easing them into obscurity. Maybe see them off with a gift basket and a card signed by the band.

9. See what Sammy Hagar’s up to these days

It worked for Van Halen in 1985.

10. Let your drummer try out

We know it’s a one-in-a-million shot.