Alright fellas, we are almost done writing this album! Super stoked on how it’s starting to come together. I don’t know about you guys but I can really see all the parts gelling into songs right in front of our eyes. I’m just about done with lyrics so once those are in we should be set!
Okay, so hear me out real quick, what if we throw in a curve ball? I’m thinking something that’s really gonna shake this album up and completely take the listener off their feet. What if the next song we write, we hit them with intro, verse, chorus, verse, chorus, bridge, chorus, outro? I made a quick outline to see how it plays.
Intro
This opening part is ideally just the riff from the verse section. Maybe we mix it up a little bit and throw in a bendy or some wah wahs. You guys know what I mean. Work your magic, instrumentalists!
Verse 1
This’ll be the potatoes of the song. This is when my lyrics will kick in. Looking at about 4 bars, rhyming scheme TBD. I’ve been doing a lot of A,B,A,B, so maybe for this one we’ll do A,B,C,B and really get loco to match the zany composition of this tune.
Chorus
The meat of the song right here. We need a good hook. Something catchy, not kitschy. Also, what are your thoughts on backing vocals? I know none of you quite have my range, but every little bit helps.
Verse 2
Here we go with more of the same, right? Some bands even do almost the same exact lyrics as the first verse. Maybe change a word or two up so it’s different. I like this idea, but am open to other suggestions (completely new lyrics???). Either way, by now, we are money.
Chorus
Chorus repeated. Maybe I go high on the last line for emphasis. Not trying to reinvent the wheel here.
Bridge
Okay, so we have options here. We could do a tasty solo or another take on the verse riff. We could write an entirely NEW riff altogether if we wanna get nuts. You guys wanna get nuts?! Me either. This song is experimental enough as it is.
Chorus
Wel well well, look who it is? Our old friend Mr. Chorus. This is the third time so we are really hammering home the point now, which is why it has to be so catchy. I believe in us.
Outro
Last decision to be made. Do we fade out the intro riff? Do we hard stop on a fourth chorus? Whatever we do, we want to make sure to leave them wanting more. I like the idea of doing things different this time since usually our music leaves them wanting less.
I think that should just about do it. We’re gonna make the most unique noise record ever!
To be honest, the only thing that would improve Kiss is if every member of the band was replaced by Andrew. Even then I’m not sure it’d be enough.
Shoegaze bands are notorious for their immobility on stage. That’s boring to look at. I want to see a singer do mid-air kicks and throw punches with no regard for their personal surroundings and shit. Kevin Shields could never.
There’s no denying that Cannibal Corpse’s music rips. But their vocalist’s death growl reminds me of Tim Allen’s “Home Improvement” grunt. Replacing him with Andrew could be the missing link that would make them a household name.
An Andrew W.K.-era Misfits lineup would totally make up for the Graves era and whatever that era was where Jerry Only was the lead singer.
There’s nothing worse than an emo band that doesn’t look like they play the sport they’re named after. Andrew at least bears resemblance to someone who could be a backup linebacker.
Black Francis looks less like a lead singer of a band and more like a roadie of a band. If anything, Andrew would be more of a cosmetic change.
If Andrew W.K. replaced Dave Matthews as the Dave Matthews in Dave Matthews Band I would have no choice but to start wearing a hemp necklace, cargo shorts, and sandals. Actually, this is not ideal.
The only thing stopping me from enjoying this band is their asshole lead singer. That and their music, lyrics, social media presence, and overall aesthetic. Andrew would at least fix one of their many issues.
Vocalists shouldn’t bum you out when they’re singing. They should inspire you to buy a six-pack on a Tuesday on your way to commit petty crimes with best friends in the name of “living your best life.”
Andrew W.K., Andrew W.K., Andrew W.K., and Andrew W.K. just rolls off the tongue better.
The Killers pioneered Mormon rock for some reason. There should be a clear separation between church and music. Unless, of course, you’re Andrew W.K., who once titled an album “God is Partying.” Preach.
It’s not about Deryck Whibley being a poor lead singer so much as him being 5’7”. Andrew W.K. is 6’3”. That’s a frontman I can get behind.
There’s no doubt the Smiths were talented at writing music. Most Smiths songs start off with a Johnny Marr guitar riff that grabs your attention before Morrissey’s voice makes you go “yeah, no.” I’d like to listen to more than 20 seconds of a Smiths song before I have to turn it off.
I can’t understand a single word Eddie Vedder says. Even if I can’t decipher everything W.K. says, I know what the subject matter is going to be about.
I don’t know what a ska band would sound like with Andrew W.K. at the helm, but I’m willing to give it a go.
Billy Corgan is severely lacking in exuberance levels and overall charm. It’s the main thing holding this band back.
“Sublime with Rome with Andrew W.K.” may be a mouthful, but it’s worth the extra syllables if it means I’d be inclined to actually listen to them.
The main problem with boy bands is that there aren’t any grown men in them willing to have a bloody nose on their album covers.
311 has two primary vocalists. I can’t keep up with that many. You could just consolidate them into one Andrew W.K. and make everyone happy.
Well we had to start somewhere, and it had to be their debut album. “Shallow” comes out of the gate swinging (as an eight-track album should, there’s limited time damn it) but overall doesn’t say a whole lot that’s super consequential, unless you’re the kind of person who gets irrationally angry over having a head cold. Though what it lacks in the lyrics department is made up for in feedback-laden raw energy and hilarious self-deprecation. The one-two combo of the script flipping “Closet Marine” and “I Broke My Own Heart” are the glue that holds the album together.
Five albums and more than a decade into their existence, you can hear in Matt Korvette’s voice that he’s angrier than ever, his piercing scream now more of a guttural growl. “Why Love Now” covers the existential crisis of realizing our bodies are falling apart (“Waiting on My Horrible Warning”) along with the world around us, and that mediocrity is the new normal (“The Bar is Low”). The band sounds like they’re soundtracking the apocalypse while Korvette’s voice gets even more gravely as the album trudges on. Still, he makes a pretty good case for pegging on “Cold Whip Cream” so at least we can have some fun before the end times.
Remember when you graduated college ready to conquer the world only to realize that everyone sucks and the best days are behind you? Pepperidge Farms – I mean Pissed Jeans – does. It’s the darkest effort in their catalog, and a perfect soundtrack for mid-20s angst set to post-punk and old-school hardcore. Though as Korvette deftly illustrates throughout the album, the only thing worse than life not turning out how you expected is being a conformist tool. And yet on “I’ve Still Got You (Ice Cream)” he makes a compelling case that there’s still beauty in this world.
It’s a dangerous game when a band begins an album with the best song in its repertoire, but from the infinitely ass kicking “False Jesii, Pt. 2” the only way to go is up. You’d swear upon first listen that this was the second coming of Jesus Lizard. Korvette comes as close as he can to writing love songs with “She is Science Fiction” and “Lip Ring”, while also pointing out that as opposed to what Green Day has said, masturbation hasn’t lost its fun on “Pleasure Race”. Hell, it’s more fun than ever! “King of Jeans” is a perfect encapsulation of being in your late 20s/early 30s: the mind rages, but the body wants to stay in bed.
“Honeys” plays out like a day in the life of an office worker at 100 miles per hour. With opener “Bathroom Laughter” launching you out of bed like a screeching alarm clock when you’re already late for work, the next 40 minutes of “life is hell” affirmations are the boys at their best both sonically and lyrically. Dispensing hot tips on subjects like how to stay healthy (don’t go to the doctor) and keeping your partner happy (do the bare minimum, it’s fine), not a moment is wasted and you’re left with the satisfaction that someone out there would also do cartwheels if your boss died.
This woman shows up, briefly alludes to having a kid with Roman, and then vanishes from existence. I need people who are going to be on time, not disappear from reality.
Dude was offended I even approached him. “Your entire enterprise is the exact sort of hollow, pedantic, lowest common denominator drivel eroding the human spirit like a cancer from the inside, all in the name of the almighty dollar” were his exact words. We sell t-shirts, bro, chill.
With the exception of Roman, the overt Nazis on “Succession” are low on this list, and Jeryd Mencken is the lowest of the low. This dude dismissed someone for crying at their father’s funeral, he’s not someone I want to see when I stroll into work on molly.
His entire marketing strategy was that I should call my dad? I don’t even know my dad.
She spent the whole interview telling me I need to strategize, but she wouldn’t strategize with me! Then she told me I need to talk to Ewan some more, and that guy hates my ass. She’s out.
Weirdest interview ever. She stared at me making passive-aggressive small talk the whole time as her staff brainstormed and printed a shirt design. Then her maid handed it to her and then she handed it to me and said “
All we know about Ray is that Logan once told him to piss in a bucket and he thought Logan was serious. I don’t know if he was intimidated or he’s really that literal, but either way, he doesn’t have what it takes to make my t-shirt shop the top on the boardwalk.
Matsson sent in some physical 
I don’t know where this guy gets off. He spent the whole interview asking who else I knew on the boardwalk and saying he would love an introduction like I owed him something. Screw him and his cheese knobbies.
Imagine what an incompetent pariah you need to be to wind up playing second fiddle to Connor Roy.
The dude’s only previous job experience was at The100, a company that never got off the ground. Pass.
Mark’s shirt design was a swastika, and he spent the whole interview telling me that it was a Tibetan swastika that had nothing to do with the Nazis.
Willa’s Mom spent the entire interview walking around the shop and announcing how she planned to redecorate. Did you know our vinyl press station would be the perfect spot for a chaise lounge?
Kendall’s kids decided to work together as one creative team. Unfortunately, all their design pitches involve 
The failed White House press secretary to t-shirt hut pipeline is more significant than you think, and it doesn’t usually work out for anyone involved.
The boardwalk t-shirt shop game is a competitive, cutthroat world. I thought I could use his skill set to dig up some dirt on my neighbors over at “Tee Myself and I.” Unfortunately, his design pitch, a shirt featuring a 
Her pitches were all plays on “Live Laugh Love.” “Live Laugh Divorce,” “Live Laugh Chardonnay,” “Live, Laugh, Overreact,” etc. Kinda played out, Rava. You’re too online, and mostly Facebook mom groups from the looks of it.
Tom may have “won the succession” and he’s a company man through and through, but he brings absolutely nothing to the table creatively. He did offer to go to prison for me several times, but unless he can deep fake himself in that video of me setting fire to “Beach Tees and Beyond” I’m going to need to keep exploring other legal strategies.
Connor’s pitch: A cartoon drawing of Napoleon with a visible erection captioned with “
You would think a father/daughter team would be relatively wholesome, but no. The t-shirt design pitches that twisted old man whispered to that woman to relate to me were some of the most depraved things I’ve ever heard in my life. There was one involving a catheter and an orphanage that will haunt my nightmares forever. We like to be edgy at Whack-eyed Tees, but the things this man wanted to print would get us shut down and possibly arrested.
10 years ago Lawrence would have made the top of this list in a heartbeat, but he’s a little too stuck in the VICE era to make it in today’s t-shirt game.
If this guy couldn’t beat Jeryd Mencken in an election, how is he going to help me push out those yahoos over at Patriot Tees?
“I went for three jobs, I didn’t get them, my vineyard was a write-off and now my trophy wife is sucking some waiter’s dick in Palermo and all I got was 
Hugo’s inept opportunism is the opposite of what we need, and his t-shirt pitches left something to be desired as well. One was a dog with his face saying “