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How To Express Concern About Bullying on Social Media Without Sounding Like a Virgin Nerd Loser

It’s important to approach online bullying and harassment over social media with a mind like your mom’s legs — open. Verbal abuse on the Internet is a uniquely 21st-century problem, but aggression has been a social tool to intimidate piece of shit fuckheads with butt breath like you for millennia. In this simple “How To” guide, we identify 3 tactics anyone can personally implement to reduce social media bullying, even fart-faces and microdick losers such as yourself. Let’s jump in!

Talk to someone

Giving voice to your complaints and unpacking difficult interactions is a useful tool for moving through conflict, especially since you couldn’t even stand up to a fucking cloud. It’s important to vent, while remembering that snitches get stitches. Clinical psychologist Dr. Lydia Westin of the Mayo Clinic advises, “Talking with friends, speaking with an authority figure, or exploring therapy options are all shown to work, especially for weakass pussies with stupid dumbshit brains like you.”

Practice kindness online

Experts agree that interactions can remain civil if both parties avoid devolving into insults or abuse, which is convenient since your insult game is weak as shit, dumbass. Professor Michael Hargreaves of Stanford University has observed, “Instilling mutual respect and practicing ‘The Golden Rule’ has led to a kinder generation of lameass wimpy nerdfucks.” Hargreaves expounded on his philosophy, warning of a generation susceptible to “purple nurples” and “wedgies,” completely unable to stop hitting themselves.

Delete the app and don’t sleep next to your phone

Sometimes cutting off the problem at the root works best, if you can even afford a fucking phone. Aren’t you super poor? I heard your family makes ten cents a day at the queef factory. Google PR rep Thea Joggins opined, “The barrage of constant data and media is strenuous for anyone, especially for vulnerable individuals. Examples include sensitive bedwetting mama’s boy crybabies or numbnuts loser latchkey kids with fart breath.”

If I somehow forgot to take your lunch money, there are also plenty of cheap therapy apps mindfully developed for virgin fucknut four-eyes like yourself. Or honestly: just delete your account, nobody will care except maybe your mom, but she’ll be too busy fucking everybody in the entire world all at once. And if you have additional questions on conflict avoidance, my fists will be holding a Q&A in the park after school by the tennis courts, waiting for your dick ass.