SAN BRUNO, Calif. — A sick-to-his-stomach backstage passholder at a recent Buckethead concert spent the whole night making sure to stay right nearby the conveniently head-geared shredder “just in case,” sources keeping their distance from the guy confirmed.
“All I know is, the ticket I had said ‘ALL ACCESS’ which I took to mean that I could rightfully wolf down the entire spread of Trout Tenders available, which I did. I don’t know how long they had been left out, but my insides started gurgling like the La Brea tar pits…I was the sickest I’d ever been,” whimpered Buckethead fan Parker Eaglebauer, amidst a vicious string of dry heaves and silent belches. “I wanted to make sure I had something to yak in at the ready, so naturally I started tailing Buckethead at every turn. ‘Don’t wear a bucket on your head unless you potentially want a rogue fan to empty their stomach contents into it every once in a while’ or however the old show-biz adage goes!”
The famously taciturn Buckethead sent a representative from his team to elaborate on the guitarist’s feelings.
“Buck is well aware of the situation with Mr. Eaglebauer, and is trying like hell to keep his distance, as anyone would likely do if their cranium were in danger of being vomited on,” reported Buckethead’s manager Keisha Travis, who seemed nauseous herself at the mere thought. “Unfortunately, having toured with some pretty crazy bands before, my client is no stranger to getting his beloved headwear barfed in. To make matters worse, we’re miles from the nearest KFC, so our top priority has gotta be to make sure to keep that one he’s wearing pristine. Also, to remember to take Trout Tenders off his tour rider, I mean, jeez!”
Professional medical equipment salesman D. Mitchum Kettler was quick to capitalize on the situation.
“See, I was backstage too, trying to unload a few catheters any way I could. But, when I saw that green-faced kid following that bucket guy around, I knew I had a million seller on my hands. Vomit Vessels shaped like famous musician headwear! Picture it! Puke in Daft Punk’s helmets!” raved an excited Kettler. “Retch in Pharrell’s giant hat! Heave inside your choice of Devo Energy Domes or limited edition ‘New Traditionalists’ plastic pompadours! All soon to be officially licensed and ready to receive your bile for a while, or your money back!”
At press time, fellow experimental musicians The Residents found out about the situation and have asked Eaglebauer to tour with them and keep near their giant eyeball masks, because they’re “into that sort of thing.”