20. “Little” Paulie Germani
His ability to tolerate and even thrive while blasting Dean Martin from a boat 24 hours a day will make him extremely popular with terrible boomers.
19. Gabriella Dante
Being married to the most high-profile pimp in New Jersey never seems to bother Gabriella. Her and Sil seem to have a Clinton-esque “understanding” that would serve them well in high-level politics.
18. Dwight Harris
He’s a lawman who knows when to bend the rules — when the lives of the people who make sandwiches he likes are in danger. Agent Harris’s proven track record of compromising with sleazeballs would serve him well in conservative politics.
17. Corrado “Junior” Soprano
Junior is old, petty, and senile, all strong building blocks for a Republican presidential campaign. Unfortunately, his adoration for John F. Kennedy might alienate him from his base.
16. Michele “Feech” La Manna
Feech is what your most dipshit uncle would affectionately call “old school.” He was made back in the old country and every one of his stories ends with him laughing about someone he beat the crap out of. A young Tony Soprano once robbed his card game just for a status bump, so you know he’s got clout.
15. Rosalie Aprile
Rosalie’s skills as a New Jersey gossip could come in handy on the campaign trail. “People are saying Joe Biden eats his Sunday gravy out of a jar.”
14. Ronald Zellman
He’s the only one on this list with actual political experience, and some very dangerous people owe him some favors.
13. Johnny “Sack” Sacrimoni
He’s manipulative, power-hungry, and vindictive, plus he can put on the charm when he wants to. There are a lot of Rubenesque women voting in the midwest and Johnny wants to court them all.
12. Richie Aprile
You might think learning yoga in prison would have mellowed Richie out of the running, but the QAnon/New Age movement is way bigger than most people realize. That guy he crippled? False flag.
11. Carmine Lupertazzi
He’s old, he’s scary, and he once gave Tony a dress-down for wearing shorts. Aging Republicans would see him as the answer to “all this woke shit.”
10. Salvatore “Big Pussy” Bonpensiero
A confirmed criminal who’s always going off about how bad other criminals are. It worked in 2016, it can work today.
9. Peter Paul “Paulie Walnuts” Gualtieri
Paulie is the kind of guy who says what everyone’s thinking, provided that everyone is a dumb violent racist. And a lot of right wing voters are!
8. Carmela Soprano
Carmela has shown herself to be a strong, thoughtful woman unafraid to speak her mind, but don’t count her out yet! She knows how to grease the wheels when she wants something, and at the end of the day she’s hopelessly addicted to the status quo. Her constant dismissiveness towards Meadows’s educated liberal ideologies tells us she would take a hard stand against Critical Race Theory and the GOP would eat that right up.
7. Phil Leotardo
Phil is one of the most violent and ruthless closet cases of all time, making his conservative political potential virtually limitless.
6. Ralph Cifaretto
A history of violence against women, problematic humor, and closeted sexual deviancy. And he’s a family man! We like Ralph’s chances in the GOP.
5. Anthony “A.J.” Soprano, Jr.
A.J. is an entitled, unpleasant virtually worthless nepo-baby who is going to hit big with young conservative voters. Can’t you just picture him now up there at the debate podium saying stuff like “You just profess your own ignorance!” completely out of context? And then when he gets called on it he just says “Forget it.” and starts sulkily eating some baked ziti?
4. Janice Soprano
With her ability to lie without remorse, unmitigated rage, and family-woman image Janice would be able to work the conservative mamma-bear crowd into such a mouth-foaming frenzy we’re genuinely terrified.
3. “Little” Carmine Lupertazzi, Jr.
“The fundamental question is, will I be as effective as a boss like my dad was? And I will be, even more so? But until I am, it’s going to be hard to verify that I think I’ll be more effective.”That is the exact sort of empty calorie “I’ve never actually had a legitimate thought in my entire life” rhetoric that conservative political careers are made from.
2. Livia Soprano
Old. Manipulative. Senile. Unspeakably cruel. Racist. Livia Soprano is the living embodiment of everything today’s republican party stands for. Well, actually she’s dead, but screw it, they can use CGI and run her anyway.
1. Tony Soprano
A charming, ruthless, ambitious psychopath with an I.Q of 136 (It’s been tested!) Tony has what it takes to go all the way. Tony is basically Trump, only with a brain, better jokes, and a slightly more legitimate respect for the working class. The only thing stopping Tony Soprano from becoming the next president of the United States is