You may have heard in the news that violent moshing incidents are on the rise again. Instigated by so-called ‘crowd killers,’ these aggro attacks have been ruining shows across the country. A recent wave of disasters at the edges of pits along the West Coast have left normally serene slam dancers on high alert. Their vigilance heightened by whom many believe is a lone elbow thrower.
Because the cops literally do nothing, we figured it was time to put our detective skills to the test. We decided to put on some X-Files to get inspired. While watching Agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully solve crime after bizarre crime, it hit us. Crowd killing isn’t mentioned a single time in the show. What are the characters and Monsters of the Week hiding? Who are they protecting?
Through the looking glass and with no one left to trust, we decided to turn our investigation toward those that were meant to guide us. Without further ado, here are the top 50 characters from the X-Files ranked by how likely they could be the prime suspect in the case of the Mysterious Crowd Killer.
50. Samantha Mulder
Even if Samantha were actually around, chances are she’d be too preoccupied with the whole situation of her own father voluntarily offering her up to our Alien Overlords. She would be in no mental state to participate in any mosh pits, let alone crowd-killing. Being a literal abductee, while tragic, gives her the perfect alibi in this case.
49. Clyde Bruckman
When Clyde Bruckman was among the living, he had the psychic ability to tell people when and how they were going to die in that motherfucking pit. Obviously he’s not even on the radar with this case. Still, we could have used his help on this one. Rest In Power, Bruckman. You would have loved Militarie Gun.
48. John Fitzgerald Byers
It’s highly likely that John Fitzgerald Byers can’t even name a singular band, much less participate in one of their shows. It should also be noted that he sacrificed his own life along with the other members of the Lone Gunmen to save humanity. Not really crowd-killing behavior if you ask us.
47. Melvin Frohike
Melvin definitely looks like he would have been a total shit-kicker, but this ain’t our guy. When he wasn’t awkwardly flirting with and making grand romantic gestures toward Scully, he was seen helping Mulder break into multiple highly secured buildings. Where would he have even found the time to ruin everyone’s nights at multiple basement shows?
46. Jeffrey Spender
Forced into a life of hiding after being horrifyingly disfigured to the point of non-recognition does not really seem to be conducive to a thriving, violent nightlife. This is without mentioning that he also spent the majority of his life recovering from various alien tests and experiments.
45. Henry Weems
Henry Weems is cursed with unnaturally good luck and is seemingly incapable of being harmed. You wouldn’t think twice if you heard he had been banned from every DIY space in a 200-mile radius for aggressive moshing. We’re pretty sure he’s too haunted by his gifts to enjoy them, though.
44. Deep Throat
Had Deep Throat not been assassinated early in the series, he’d either lead us directly to the perp or give us several vague clues suggesting that the real ‘crowd killer’ is actually an elaborate government hoax. His cryptic messages would also suggest that all hardcore bands are actually Deep State plants designed to keep the youth too preoccupied with broken noses to learn the truth.
X could very well rank higher, but we’re pretty sure he’s in Witness Protection according to multiple nerdy fan theories. If you’re constantly in danger of being 86’d for the information you hold, it’s not likely you’d be popping off knuckles at a Drain show or some shit. He’s way too smart for that.
42. Richard Langly
We’ve seen Richard in a D.O.A shirt before, so he seems to be a likely candidate, but it’s just not plausible that he would violently hack into the mainframe of the pit like that. His code of honor and loyalty to the cause wouldn’t allow for something as frowned upon in the scene as crowd killing.
41. Augustus Cole
While Augustus Cole was part of a military experiment that dulled fear and heightened aggression by creating a constant waking state in soldiers, his religious beliefs would likely prevent him from moshing at all, let alone intentionally causing harm.
40. The Great Mutato
Though many were quick to pin multiple murders on the Great Mutato, he’s just a weird dude who wants to be loved and go to Cher concerts. We’ve never been to one of her shows, but we’re pretty sure the pit is probably too tame to get away with throwing elbows.
39. Alvin Kersh
In addition to being the boot-licking, ladder-climbing Deputy Director of the FBI who almost got Fox Mulder killed on several occasions, he’s also just kind of a dick. We doubt he’s a serial crowd-killer, but he definitely seems like the type to go to a DIY space, start some massive shit in the pit, and then use it as leverage for several police raids of the venue.
38. Chester Ray Banton
Chester has the eyes of someone who would probably have a razor blade hidden in the toe of his Doc Martens, but keen observers will note that his shadow actually committed most of the fuckery. Plus, that thing disintegrated people, which doesn’t match our field reports.
37. Bill Mulder
Bill Mulder certainly was a ruthless son of a bitch, having willingly given his only daughter to literal aliens, but it’s not likely he’s been edging out the pit given his alleged assassination. Even if he were alive, he’d be too old and guilt-ridden to get that rowdy at a show.
36. Walter Skinner
Walter Skinner is certainly as bald as we assume most crowd killers are, but he’s also a no-nonsense guy. If Skinner were in the pit he’d absolutely drop a crowd-killing asshole without hesitation. We bet he’s the type of dude that stands cross-armed in the back mouthing ‘try me, motherfucker’ throughout the whole set.
35. John Jay Doggett
The much-maligned replacement after Fox Mulder’s disappearance in Season 9 definitely feels like an easy target. When we look back, though, we can’t remember why we hated him so much. He’s just like… a normal guy trying his best. In fact, he probably thinks crowd-killing is just as stupid as we do. Still, we’re not ready to fully trust him just yet.
34. Monica Reyes
While we do think that Reyes would have the tenacity and follow-through to kick some fucking faces in unprovoked, we’re not sure she’d focus her energy quite in that manner. She has too much on her plate defending her position within the canon.
33. Guy Mann
Guy Mann was pretty devastated when his shape-shifting nature turned him into a dull-ass human being. He was so distraught he hired a witch to help him crowd kill himself. Still, the jury is out on his lizard form, as that iteration looks like it’s probably stabbed a crowd surfer in the back once or maybe even three times.
32. Bat Thing
Bat Thing is either a man turned into a bat, or vice versa. He is essentially the Pete Wentz of “The X-Files.” He’s probably kneed a few people in the groin, but we doubt it was intentional. Just over excited Bat Thing stuff, we suspect.
31. Martin Wells
Due to some supernatural incident that isn’t entirely explained on the show, Martin Wells is perpetually moving backwards through time. It’s completely possible for him to run a windmill over half the crowd and just go back to yesterday and forget about it ever happening. It’s still unlikely, however, as he mostly used his peculiar quandary to right previous wrongs.
30. Phyllis Paddock
Phyllis Paddock is a literal murderer who keeps her victims’ body parts in her desk. She also has a penchant for targeting those she deems as Satanists. She has literally killed crowds via telepathy. We’re pretty sure she can’t mosh, though.