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Punk Gym Teacher Thinks Freshman Has Great Potential to Smoke Under Bleachers

EUGENE, Ore. — Arthur “Sweaty” Grant, a punk physical education teacher at Churchill High School, expressed that incoming freshman student Jaime Peron has what it takes to be an all-state champion “weird kid who’s always smoking under the bleachers,” sources say.

“Eugene is known for bullshit events like track and field,” said Coach Grant while giving the finger to a group of more popular teachers. “But I think Jaime could really be competitive in smoking a shitty hand-rolled joint under the stands while all the other schools are cheering for some dumbass sport like lacrosse. When I saw how that kid handles furtively hitting his vape behind the school between classes, I knew Jaime had the goods. He’s the kind of smoker you only see once, twice in your career as a guy who yells at slow students.”

Jaime Peron had more mixed feelings about being handpicked by Coach Grant.

“Coach is always telling me I could go the distance when it comes to doing drugs just outside the vision of adults,” said Peron. “That I need to focus on my technical skills, like holding the joint behind my back when the janitor comes by, and ditch all my loser friends who don’t stand a chance of making the varsity smoking team because they have supportive parents. I don’t know, though, I don’t know if I want to become one of those jocks whose whole life is making the smoking regionals. It might be kind of lame to peak in high school like that.”

Churchill High School Assistant Principal Gareth Kestrel is cautiously optimistic about Peron’s prospects.

“Arthur has some unconventional methods when it comes to encouraging students,” said Kestrel. “And I’m not even sure that smoking under the bleachers is a state-approved athletic competition category. That said, that Peron kid can put away a blunt during a pep rally like no one’s business, and it would be nice to show those fucking snobs over at South [Eugene High School] who’s boss in this town for once.”

As of press time, Peron had fractured his dominant smoking hand during drills and is currently being pursued by the robot-assisted chess team.