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Conservative Vows to End All Systems of Child Abuse Except Ones That Actually Exist

LAREDO, Texas — Conservative Tanner Oakenson recently committed his life to destroying all forms of fictional child abuse invented by his favorite conservative podcasters and commentators, proud friends reported.

“I just care so deeply about the children, and it pisses me off to hear the ways they are molested in plain sight at drag story hours or abducted off the street by Nancy Pelosi and Hillary Clinton and mined for their adrenochrome,” professed Oakenson, despite lacking a single tangible shred of evidence that either of these things have ever happened even once. “Every newspaper journalist or newscaster on TV is a child molestor, so you can’t trust them to report any of it. I only get my news from The Daily Wire podcasts and I plan to end all these systems of abuse by tweeting at Joe Biden in all caps and sharing LibsOfTikTok videos to my family text chain until I’m blocked.”

Others on the right offered alternatives to “dangerous” environments for children like Pride parades or classrooms with college educated teachers.

“It’s time for a return to family values. Send your children to my Sunday School classroom, mmmm, yes,” said Father Ray Palmer, a Catholic priest whose thin mustache should be enough to trigger an investigation for criminal conduct. “I will talk to them at length about the sins of premarital sex and masturbation in my classroom with no other adults or cameras. Keep your little ones away from the demons outside, send them to me instead to be completely unsupervised in an environment that has a legacy of being safe for children. Praise be.”

Actual experts in the realms of human trafficking and child abuse expressed some frustration at conservatism’s preferred areas of focus.

“FOR FUCK’S SAKE, THERE IS REAL CHILD ABUSE HAPPENING IN THE WORLD, AND IT ISN’T WHAT THESE DIPSHITS ARE OBSESSING ABOUT,” screamed an aggravated Dr. Erica Herd, social worker and researcher on human trafficking. “Jesus Christ, infinitely more cases of child abuse have happened in family homes, places of worship, and ‘traditional values’ groups like the Boy Scouts. But conservatives don’t care about actually protecting children. They care about demonizing anyone who challenges their ancient, rigid expectations of how the world should operate. But you can’t talk logic to these people, so I’m at a complete fucking loss for what to do anymore.”

In a complete surprise to no one, Oakenson has been arrested and is held on bail pending the FBI’s investigation of multiple computers confiscated from his home for child sexual abuse material.