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Back In My Day, We Paid Off Student Loans The Old Fashioned Way: Getting Your Foot Purposely Run Over By A Campus Bus

These days it seems like every class graduating from college is more entitled than the last. Do these kids honestly think their student loan debt should be canceled just because they majored in underwater basket-weaving and can’t land a job? How ridiculous. They should have made better life choices! What responsible people like me did back in 1991 was get one of our feet crushed to bits by a campus bus.

Yup, like thousands of smart students before me, I took initiative and made choices that would support my financial future. At 1 a.m. on a foggy Sunday night, I hopped in front of the Cavalier Connection bus on 2nd Street and got my left foot absolutely demolished by 12 tons of public university transportation. That bus was worth its weight in gold.

Before you ask, the incident—or as I prefer to call it, investment—was ruled an accident. That’s the reason my tuition was covered in full for my last 3.5 years of college. But it was by no means an accident: I had the foresight to plan ahead, unlike today’s helpless students. They all want a handout when really they just need to stick a foot out!

When my nephew, a freshman at Tufts, asked me recently why I walk with a distinct limp, I proudly explained the reason to him. He was appalled! “Why the hell would you do that to yourself?” he asked snidely. “Student loan debt is far more crippling,” I replied. “One day you’ll look at your bank account and wish you took the dive. Trust me.” He doesn’t really talk to me anymore.

Neither does my former classmate Richard, who was also purposely hit by a campus bus. That’s mostly because he didn’t time it right and got a pretty serious TBI. Still, he’ll never have to pay his student loans either.

Life is about making sacrifices. Anyone can afford higher education in America if they’re willing to maim themselves a little bit. That’s why we’re the best country in the world.