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Punk Band Returns From Tour in Different Van With All New Members

LOS ANGELES — Aptly-named punk band Ship of Theseus is having a bit of an identity crisis after returning home from a successful tour in a different van than they started in, with an entirely new roster of band members and crew, confirmed sources who don’t really know what the hell is happening.

“You know, when I joined the band I never expected to be the longest-standing member so quickly,” said Simon Hobbes, who took over on guitar after one member was jailed for DUI outside of San Diego the first night of tour. “It’s been nearly a month and I’m settling in pretty well. The music is simple enough, I basically learned the entire catalog in about an hour. I’ve even started adding a bit of flare to some of my parts, believe it or not. Maybe it’s because he was always drunk, but I’m pretty sure the former guy could barely play guitar.”

Longtime fan Lonnie Millburn says this is nothing new for the band.

“It’s kind of what Ship of Theseus is known for. The more shit changes, the more it stays the same” said Milburn while trying to update the band’s Wikipedia page for the third time today. “The music is still great, so I’ve stuck it out. These guys have burned through twice as many members as Black Flag, Ramones, and Misfits in half as long. It’s crazy trying to track down all the contributors over the year. Some of these dudes don’t even have last names as far as I can tell, but their impact on the band is undeniable.”

Punk philosopher, Catherine Lex, reports entirely new band called Custodial has since been formed from past members.

“At this point, the fans are practically at war. Some think the current Ship of Theseus lineup is the real band, while others think Custodial’s music is the rightful continuation of the project. Technically, they’re both correct.” said Lex. “You might find it odd for two versions of the same band to technically exist, but it’s par for the course in this incestuous scene. I actually just heard both bands will be on tour together next month, which is sure to split some heads.”

At press time, the band could not be reached for comment because their manager had recently quit and asked if we could take over.