Opinion: Snoopy Is Kind of a Dick for Wasting Housing

Posted on by Arielle Andreano

You know Snoopy, the universally beloved figure from everyone’s childhood who brings joy and whimsy to all. Well, think again! This bastard loves flaunting his disregard for income inequality, and frankly, I’m tired of pretending otherwise.

The scene is familiar: a well-kept lawn, a white picket fence, a large, sturdy dog house, and on top of that house, a cute cartoon beagle. But is it cute? Is it? I ask you this: is it fair that you can barely afford a studio apartment in the shittiest part of town, and this asshole has an entire house but leaves it empty to sleep on top of it as some grotesque performance of eccentricity? No! Snoopy should pick up a newspaper and read the business section as well as the fucking room. It’s not the 1950’s anymore, Snoop. Families aren’t buying houses on one unfaithful man’s salary. The people are struggling. You’d think a dog who grew up in the foster care system playing bottles and jugs for a buck would be more understanding of the working-class struggle, but I guess he really changed once he joined the Peanuts gang.

Listen, I’m not unreasonable. I understand you have to make your living situation work for you. If he were stuck with a dilapidated house he couldn’t afford to work on, I’d understand. But it’s clear that that’s not the case.

He decorates for the seasons and holidays with a fervor that sparks ferocious envy in the hearts of suburban fathers with nothing else going on. This shows he not only cares about the state of the house, but that he can afford frequent upkeep and renovations.

He’s hoarding a perfectly suitable dwelling and just keeping it empty for no goddamn reason. He’s basically the dog equivalent of corporate landlords leaving a unit empty to keep both demand and rent high.

I think at this point it’s pretty clear there’s only one thing left for us to do: beat him to within an inch of his life with a rolled-up newspaper. Preferably, one with a piece about the housing crisis on the front page.

New Music Streaming App Will Take Money Directly From Artists on User’s Canceled List

Posted on by Arielle Andreano

SAN FRANCISCO — A new music streaming app will take money directly from controversial artists so that users may listen to them with less financial guilt, sources from the company confirmed.

“The list of artists that good people find it irresponsible to listen to is ever growing, and unfortunately our analytics team told us there’s fewer bad people than we thought,” explained Chris Connelly, CEO of the app The Devil’s Radio. “So we built a totally new type of app with a revolutionary revenue system. We figured it could work if instead of giving Thom Yorke money per stream, we instead take it from him using a complex system of pulleys and other cat burgling tools. So far, we’ve gotten away with it except for one incident involving Chris Brown.”

Relieved music enthusiasts everywhere have been reacting to the news.

“Are you serious? I couldn’t be happier,” shared moral music listener Noelle Fiorelli. “I basically haven’t listened to music since gaining a conscience. I’d switch to podcasts, but that’s even more of a minefield of bad political takes and even worse personal lives. Do you know how many artists support Israel? My playlist of artists who don’t is 12 minutes long and I don’t even like 12 minutes’ worth of Dua Lipa songs. My playlists are about to be lit. Bring on the Gaga!”

An executive at Billboard shared insights into how this release will play out in the music industry.

“This is going to change everything about who’s getting listens,” said Grace Stearns. “Artists who are universally hated will get more play, but lose money. Artists who are polarizing, on the other hand, will gain some listens but lose others. For example, Michael Jackson will get a lot more play time in some households, and conversely his numbers will go down in households filled with people in severe denial. But it won’t be the most confusing time his estate has ever had.”

Movie studios are taking note of this innovation and are trying out something similar by making Tom Cruise attend movie screenings to hand out wads of cash.

Christopher Nolan Accused of IMAXxing  

Posted on by Matthew Micheletti

LOS ANGELES — Longtime director Christopher Nolan was accused of a phenomenon known as “IMAXxing” by critics and peers, confirmed sources who demanded answers. 

“If you ask me, Nolan’s been IMAXxing because he can’t tell a story on 35mm anymore. Once he got a taste of Satan’s film stock, it was game over for him,” said film critic Ace Watley. “Christopher is clearly taking a hammer to the screen to enhance his aspect ratios and I’m pretty sure he’s microdosing meth to be able to edit movies to be two hours longer than normal. That’s why his last film was six and a half hours long. If anyone should be IMAXxing it’s the porn industry. And mostly because it would make total sense to see a 25-foot-long penis.”

Nolan defended his participation in this bizarre new trend.

“Some people think I am just compensating for something, but really I wanted Matt Damon’s forehead to be two stories tall and then I just kept shooting,” said Nolan. “You know, 35mm film is so limiting. I can tell a much grander story when Batman’s junk is nine feet long, it really draws the audience into the feature when they can really see it, you know? Anyway, I don’t care what anyone says, shooting on 280mm is the only way to film a movie.”

Even Hollywood royalty were quick to accuse Nolan of IMAXxing, including James Cameron. 

“Look, Nolan is a hack. I mean come on, he didn’t even force sequels to production that literally no one asked for. I mean for crying out loud, he doesn’t even have seven-foot-tall blue people in his films,” said Cameron. “Of course he’s IMAXxing, only an idiot would think he wasn’t hitting that Black Tar Cellulose for everything he shoots. It’s the only way to film something so addictive that people will sit in a theater for five hours with no intermission. You gotta get ‘em hooked early.” 

At press time, Nolan was seen recutting the Batman movies to get a shot of Michael Caine’s totally stacked dumper on a two-story screen.

Five Books You Must Pretend To Read in Public Before You Die

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Ah, reading. Some of us pretend to do it at home. Some of us pretend to do it for book club. And the rest of us simulate the act of reading in public to show the world we are painstakingly cultured. However, oftentimes it can feel like there are so many paperbacks out there, it’s hard to choose which to pretend to read next. Good thing we’re here to let you know the five books you must performatively act like you’re reading in public before you die a horrible, horrible death. 

Consider this list like Goodreads, but for those of us who don’t actually want to take up valuable brain space for reading comprehension.

“1984” By George Orwell

Everyone keeps saying things like, “We’re living in 1984.” Presumably, they’re either talking about this novel’s resemblance to our current times, whatever this book is about, or they’re referring to the year “A Nightmare on Elm Street” came out, which totally ruled. By pretending to read this book in a coffee shop, hopefully someone — anyone — will clear this phrase up for you. I mean, it does often feel like we’re living in a nightmare where Freddy Krueger is trying to murder you with his finger knives.  

“Infinite Jest,” By David Foster Wallace

Pretending to read this one on the subway will show everyone within a 15-foot radius of you that you have strong biceps, capable forearms, and a formidable core because this book weighs a ton. You’ll get a solid workout, but you somehow won’t consume a single word on the page. But hey, no one’s going to question you with those magnificent triceps. 

“The Communist Manifesto,” By  Karl Marx 

Socialism is hot right now. Communism is even hotter. No one knows the difference between the two of them, but that shouldn’t stop you from sitting on a park bench, hiding your phone in between the pages of this book, and scrolling TikTok instead. Someone online is bound to sum up what this book is about for you at some point.  

“Ulysses,” By James Joyce

James Joyce was a heavy drinker. By performatively reading his books in an Irish pub by yourself, it’s like you’re condoning alcohol abuse for the sake of craft. If we know anything about solo binge-drinking, it makes your literature pretty darn famous. Bonus points if you’re taking swigs of whiskey while “reading” this at the bar. It’s what James would’ve wanted. And once you’re appropriately hammered, you may even try your hand at pretending to write a novel or screenplay in public. There are no limits to playing adult make-believe.

“If You Would Have Told Me: A Memoir,” By John Stamos

If you’ve ever simulated the act of reading this one publicly, you’re in great company. I’m talking Dave Coulier, Aunt Becky, and even one of the Olsen twins, all of whom pretended this was the “The Great Gatsby” of celebrity memoirs. This is one of those pieces of classic literature that everyone must pretend to read in public before they die from blunt force trauma, like Bob Saget. Have mercy.

American Spirit Introduces Protein-Boosted Cigarette

Posted on by Tim Graham

OXFORD, N.C. — American Spirit is set to be the first tobacco brand to capitalize on the protein-boosting craze, according to a press release from parent company R.J. Reynolds.

“American Spirit is proud of our reputation as a natural alternative to other companies’ chemically treated products,” said spokesperson Melanie Quist. “And while our cigarettes are often touted as a ‘healthier’ option, we’ve been working for years on ways to make them even better for our customers. Now we’re proud to announce a brand new member of our product lineup: American Spirit Protein. Our world-class research team was the first to master a technique that allows protein powder-infused tobacco to be turned into bioavailable protein when inhaled. Don’t be surprised if you start to see muscle-bound fitness enthusiasts ‘ripping a butt’ before heading into the gym.”

Smoker Ansel Slade was one of the subjects brought in to test American Spirit’s new cigarette.

“I’ve been a pack-a-day smoker for 30 years,” said Slade, pausing to double over and cough violently. “And I gotta tell you, these things are amazing. Only a few days after switching to the protein cigs, I could already feel the health effects. All those amino acids are building up my lung capacity, and I’ve got a lot more energy and strength. Hell, I used to have trouble hefting a 30-rack of Bud out of my truck, but now I can carry one of those plus a handle of Bourbon no problem. My doctor said what I’m experiencing might be something called ‘the gazebo effect,’ but he’s in the pocket of big pharma so why should I listen to him?”

As smoking rates in the U.S. continue to decline, tobacco companies are increasingly turning to stunts to attract new smokers.

“Smoking is increasingly being viewed as uncool,” said corporate consultant Russ Sylvaine. “I’ve worked with several big tobacco corporations on projects to reshape smoking’s image and entice younger people to light up. I helped bring a Pokémon-inspired brand called Smokémon to market—the slogan was ‘Gotta smoke ‘em all.’ Each cigarette featured an original, if somewhat derivative, cartoon monster printed on the filter. However, Nintendo sued immediately and the product was recalled.”

At press time, R.J. Reynolds’ rival Philip Morris International had announced a new line of Cialis-infused Zyn.

Rising Gas Prices Forces Touring Band To Flintstone Their Way Between Gigs

Posted on by James Knapp

CONROE, Texas — The ongoing war in Iran and steep increase in the cost of gasoline has forced touring folk-punk band Secret Hobo Spices (SHS) to power their Econoline van by foot power ala The Flintstones mechanics, sore and blistered sources confirmed.

“This administration is a bunch of warmongering, fascist pedophiles who are defiling the earth and destroying our sense of good with our common man! Also, I have plantar fasciitis and this is bullshit!” declared SHS saw player known only as Trussle Rust. “We’re a folk-punk band — we wouldn’t even believe in money if we had it. But if the price of gas doesn’t drop soon, then unless we can train our stray dog, Henry Kissenger’s Ghost, to sleddog everything, we’re gonna miss our show in Youngstown, Ohio.”

A spokesman for the Trump administration, whose name is probably Kyler, had this to say.

“President Trump knows that many Americans are concerned about how the ongoing war is affecting their personal finances. I want to let you all know that the president is doing everything he can to bring this conflict to a swift and bloody conclusion,” stated Kyler, or possibly Bradley. “As far as how the price of oil is impacting motorists, well, unfortunately you’re just gonna have to work those peets for a little while. Because let’s be honest, none of you fucks can afford a Nissan LEAF.”

To get a better scope of the historical relation between unconstitutional war and oil, 111-year-old oil baron Thaddeus Cornelious Rudabaugh Kidstrangle provided his perspective.

“I’ve learned two inescapable truths in my long career in oil — don’t build wells in Ohio and the non-whites die first,” said Kidstrangle, who is hopefully minutes from death. “Almost certainly war is a major boon for an oil man such as myself, but this Trump shyster just has no fucking idea what he’s doing. He’s almost certainly leading us to global collapse. Now that doesn’t mean much for me since almost everyone I meet reminds me of the grim specter of my imminent grave — but maybe you should consider hiring another Bush next time. They really know how to throw a profitable war.”

At press time, SHS was forced to pay for $3,000 of repairs to the van despite not having any gas, a battery, any mechanical work being done or the van even still being on an actual roadway.

Oh, You’re a Guided by Voices Fan? Name Three DUI Checkpoints in Western Ohio

Posted on by Drew Drevyanko

Oh, so you’re a big Guided By Voices fan? A scholar of the Pollardverse? Fuck off. Unless you can name me three well-known sobriety checkpoints in Western Ohio, you can never utter the words “Warp & Woof” again. 

I don’t give a shit that you can name every member of the classic lineup, the ‘97 Cobre Verde lineup, the Doug Gillard era, the new Doug Gillard era, or even the very brief Nick Mitchell incarnation. Tell me which exit on I-75 in Toledo to avoid after 10 pm on Fridays. 

Do you know how many relationships, career opportunities, and Chevy Impalas I’ve destroyed because of my Pollard fandom? Countless. The least you could do is memorize a couple of roadblocks before you start drumming “My Valuable Hunting Knife” on your steering wheel. 

True GBV heads keep an annotated map of every DUI checkpoint south of the Maumee River in their glovebox, right next to a Miller Lite tallboy and a copy of Pollard’s collage book, EAT 15.

Also, DUIs are actually called OVIs in Ohio. It stands for “Operating a Vehicle Under the Influence,” which should roll off the tongue fairly easily for someone who knows every word to “The Goldheart Mountaintop Queen Directory.”

So you own all 44 studio albums from Devil Between My Toes to Crawlspace of the Pantheon? Big deal. Your favorite song might as well be “Hold on Hope” if you don’t know which milepost on Rt. 127 in Paulding County has the Ohio State Highway Patrol waiting to ruin your fucking life. 

Are you even aware that the title “Vampire on Titus” is a reference to Titus Avenue, where Bob Pollard used to live in Dayton? You should, because there’s always a cop sitting by the Waffle House on Needmore Road, and trust me, he is not amused when you sing him “Teenage FBI.” It WILL end in a body cavity search. 

And quit bragging that your original, handmade copy of Propeller goes for $2,500 on Discogs. That will barely cover the attorney fees if you get busted. I had to sell all nine color variants of my Tonics and Twisted Chasers to get them to drop the reckless endangerment charges. 

This is not about fandom, this is about survival. If you consider yourself a true GBV fan, you need to know every back road from Columbus to Cincinnati before you go 90mph down I-71 blasting a 39-song album in 42 minutes. 

The only thing more dangerous than a .24 blood alcohol level is admitting you don’t know where the next DUI trap is. And if that’s the case, you’re probably better off listening to Wilco.  

Polls Show Ken Paxton Performing Favorably Among the Cannibalistic, Chainsaw-Wielding, Human Skin Mask-Wearing Faction of the Texas Electorate

Posted on by Steve Packosky

WASHINGTON — Texas Republican nominee in the 2026 U.S. Senate election Ken Paxton is currently enjoying a wide berth over Democratic opponent James Talarico among the state’s cannibalistic, chainsaw-wielding, human skin mask-wearing electorate, according to an independent poll.

“I really like this Paxton guy,” confirmed chainsaw wielding psychopath Jethro “Necrobutcher” Hurley as he removed the skin of his latest victim. “The other guy keeps talking about loving your neighbor and being a decent human being, which doesn’t really do much for us cannibalistic murderers, you know? It’s been tough for us to find victims ever since Google Maps was invented, as less people are getting lost and finding themselves at our combination gas stations/human meat barbeque stands. I’m hoping he can completely run this state into the ground and kick off some sort of diaspora. My mouth is watering at the thought of all the people who’d travel past my house if we had another Dust Bowl.”

Paxton was thrilled at the news.

“I know I have the support of all decent, God-fearing Texans, which of course includes our beloved cannibals,” said Paxton. “These are good folk we see adorned in the skins of the attractive college students who had the misfortune of happening upon their domiciles, and they’ve fallen under hard times. My opponent would probably support giving their victims tuition reimbursement or even free healthcare, which is downright shameful. I’ve even heard ‘Talafreako’ is a vegan, which we all know is a sin here in Texas. I encourage all of our state’s demented slayers to take a break from reveling in the flesh of the decomposing bodies littering their houses to come out to my rally in San Antonio next Thursday.”

Political scientist Thandiwe Carson weighed in on the development.

“It’s extremely common for Republican political candidates to receive support from horror villains,” Carson opined. “Republican senator Pete Ricketts just earned the official endorsement of Nebraska’s rogue bands of children who worship malevolent cornfield entities in his bid for reelection, and Susan Collins would not have become Maine’s senator without the ever-growing population of sentient corpses emerging from the state’s Pet Semataries. I know many Americans are in a constant state of disbelief over how their country could have reached its current situation, and this is a huge reason for that.”

At press time, Paxton was also performing well among Texas’s deformed, subterranean survivors of nuclear testing.

BREAKING: Mitch McConnell Apparently Has a Heart

Posted on by KC Jones

WASHINGTON — News that Sen. Mitch McConnell was found unconscious after suffering a severe heart attack in his Washington, D.C. home has rocked the nation’s capital, with Washington insiders reporting that they were “blindsided” by the revelation that the 84-year-old Kentucky Senator actually has a heart. 

“It was literally jaw-dropping,” said one congressional staffer who chose to remain anonymous. “It’s just not something we were prepared for. You think you know somebody once you’ve worked alongside them for many years. With all that Senator McConnell has done throughout his long political career, I would have never once considered that he could have a heart, or really even blood.”

The Republican National Committee has since released press statements condemning  McConnell, stating that the possession of a heart “does not align with the values of the GOP, our platform, or the voters we represent.”

This is a breaking story, and we’ll have more as it develops. 

Depressed Woman Terrified Her Plane Won’t Crash

Posted on by Dom Turek

NEW YORK — An unruly passenger disrupted service aboard Delta Flight 180 flying from LaGuardia Airport to Los Angeles International Airport after she became increasingly distressed upon learning the recently inspected plane was in full working order and expected to land at its predetermined destination with a 100 percent survival rate, sources confirmed. 

“I popped a sedative before take off, but it wasn’t enough to stop the panic attack,” said the anxious passenger, Amanda Decarlo. “I couldn’t shake the gruesome image of all 250 passengers, some of them children, surviving the flight without incident and being thrust back into the brutal, meaningless humdrum of everyday life. After the pilot’s impeccable handling of turbulence at an altitude of 40,000 feet, I knew we were in good hands. That’s when the fear really started to creep in.”

Passengers sitting closest to the panic-stricken woman remained unaware of her phobia until the final leg of the flight, when the captain announced over the loudspeaker that the local weather in Los Angeles was 78 degrees and sunny, and that the aircraft was “on track to arrive slightly ahead of schedule.” 

“She seemed pretty normal until she asked to switch seats with me so she could look out the window,” said passenger Mary Gutierrez. “She [Decarlo] mumbled something about ‘wanting a front-row seat for when this hunk of junk nosedives into the Rocky Mountains.’ In the interest of small talk, I asked what her plans were after landing, but she only mentioned looking forward to never again having to go to the dentist, stub her toe, or hear the cashier ask if she wanted the receipt emailed or printed.”  

As technology advances, some of the more melancholic passengers have been forced to confront the stark reality that, in all likelihood, the plane will land safely on the tarmac where a shuttle bus will be waiting to transport them to the nearest Hertz. 

“If you try to please everybody, you’ll end up pleasing no one,” said Jay Turnage, pilot of Flight 180. “Unfortunately, for some of our more despondent passengers, due to increased protocols and advancements in aerial innovation, we simply aren’t able to guarantee an unsafe flight. But we do our best to keep people on their toes with the occasional total hydraulic loss or uncontained engine failure.” 

At press time, Decarlo appeared more reassured after the oxygen mask accidentally deployed above her seat.

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