Billy Corgan Exits Joe Rogan Podcast Interview Convinced World is a Flat Vampire

Posted on by Matt Husser

AUSTIN, Texas — Smashing Pumpkins frontman Billy Corgan left his recent interview on the Joe Rogan Experience Podcast convinced that the world is a flat vampire, baffled sources confirmed.

“I don’t know how I never saw it before, but it’s so obvious now. I’ve always known the world is a vampire because it just sucks us all dry, but now I question all the science that makes us believe the world is a sphere. But I guess that means the vampire must also be flat. I’ve gotta tell James Iha, we need to follow up ‘Aghori Mhori Mei’ with a concept album about Flat Vampire Theory,” said a bleary-eyed Corgan. “Joe really opened my eyes to the true nature of the world, and I’m starting to think that the star nymph on the cover of ‘Mellon Collie’ never landed on the moon, either.”

Host Joe Rogan continued to explain Flat Vampire Theory despite the interview being long over.

“Have you ever seen a vampire? Of course not, because they operate on a two-dimensional plane of existence, man, that’s why we can’t observe them. Jamie, pull up a picture of a vampire,” said Rogan, unaware that Jamie left hours ago. “See? The vampire on the TV doesn’t even cast a shadow, proving it’s flat. It really makes you think about what else we don’t know about the supernatural world. Like when a werewolf transforms, does his human hog turn into a little red dog dick or what? I gotta text Billy about that one.”

Smashing Pumpkins superfan Ben Johnson was struggling to wrap his head around the ramifications of the two-dimensional revelation.

“I’m just left with so many questions now, I always thought the ‘vampire’ was a metaphor for the system draining the life out of the masses. But there’s an actual vampire, and he’s…the flat Earth?” said a puzzled Johnson, examining the liner notes of his copy of “Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness.” “If the sadness is infinite,I’m not ever sure how there can be any other emotions anymore. Is there room left in the universe for rage, despite being a rat in a cage? And what the fuck was the deal with that song on the Batman & Robin Soundtrack?”

At press time, Johnson’s family had an intervention after discovering a conspiracy corkboard filled with red yarn connecting “Zwan” conspiracies.

We Look Back on the B-52s Seminal Debut Album Because We Thought It Had “Love Shack” on It

Posted on by Drew Drevyanko

In 1979, the B-52s released their eponymous debut album, The B-52s, paving the way for New Wave music into American pop culture. Sounding like a keg party in outer space, the album blends elements of dance, surf, and punk rock into a wildly eccentric masterpiece that apparently DOESN’T HAVE FUCKING “LOVE SHACK” ON IT? Well shit, I wouldn’t have spent $40 on this first pressing if I had known that.

Wait, “Love Shack” is on their FIFTH album from 1989, Cosmic Thing? What the fuck is Cosmic Thing? You’re telling me, “The whole shack shimmied” the same year the Berlin Wall fell? No fucking way. Okay let’s play this thing. If this is their classic album, there has to be a few tracks better than “Love Shack,” right?

“Planet Claire” is cool, kind of a spooky, B-movie anthem, but I’m still yearning for that little odd place where we can get together. And while I admire the vocal harmonies between Cindy Wilson and Kate Pierson on “52 Girls” and “Dance This Mess Around,” I can’t say it even comes close to the feeling of dancing to “Love Shack” with my dad at his second wedding. The closest my dad and I have ever been is on that dance floor, arm in arm, singing “Bang bang, on the door baby!” I think about that moment everyday.

Okay I know this one, “Rock Lobster.” John Lennon famously told Rolling Stone in 1980 that “Rock Lobster” inspired his return to music. Just a few months later, Lennon was shot dead. I like to think if that song had been “Love Shack”, he’d still be with us today.

Fred Schneider’s ferocious talk-singing vocals really shine on side B with tracks like “Lava” and “6060-842.” However, he doesn’t deliver any of the lyrics with the vivacity of, “I got me a Chrysler, it seats about twenty.” I got my first handjob in a Chrysler. Every time I hear that line I cum my pants.

Front to back, “The B-52s” is shamelessly unique and creates its own universe for weirdos, freaks, and art school dropouts. Artists like Nirvana, Bikini Kill, and apparently John Lennon have all cited the album as a major influence. Every track is adorably kitchy, infectious, and if I’m being honest, greatly inferior to “Love Shack.” Tin roof, rusted.

Them Crooked Vultures Shocked To Learn About Dave Grohl’s Other Band

Posted on by Dan Bookbinder

PALM SPRINGS, Calif. — Members of the supergroup Them Crooked Vultures expressed their hurt and surprise upon learning of Dave Grohl’s decades-long involvement with the Foo Fighters behind their backs, sources confirmed.

“When we started this collaboration, I made sure everyone was okay with this being an open door between me, Queens of the Stone Age, and Kyuss. I did not know Dave would be constantly flitting around with the Foo Fighters behind our back. I thought he broke things off with them in 2005,” said singer and guitarist Josh Homme while fighting back tears. “This must be what betrayal feels like. Was this why everyone was so pissed when Brody Dalle left Tim from Rancid for me?”

The sudden announcement was revealed through a statement Grohl posted to his Instagram.

“I admit I have been a member of a band, founded outside of my other band. I plan to be a loving and supportive member. I love The Crooked Vultures, and I am doing everything I can to regain their trust and earn their forgiveness,” Grohl wrote. “We’re grateful for your consideration toward all the members involved, as we move forward together.”

Experts find that experimenting with side projects is common among bandmates.

“Wanting to explore different genres and sounds outside of the commitments to existing bands is a universal desire,” said Dr. Rachelle McKay, Performance Enhancement Coach, whose website touts her experience helping high-profile musicians “elevate their excellence.” “However, it must be approached through open communication and honesty. In the case of Dave Grohl, it was so publicly exposed, I haven’t seen such fan scrutiny and parasocial judgment since Kelley Deal learned Kim Deal was previously in the Pixies.”

As of press time, Homme released a second statement expressing his disillusionment that bassist John Paul Jones never revealed he was in Led Zeppelin.

Brian Thompson Gunman Holds Onto First Draft Bullet Reading “Live, Laugh, Love”

Posted on by Tim Sheard

NEW YORK — After fleeing into Central Park, Brian Thompson’s gunman decided against abandoning a first draft bullet reading “Live, Laugh, Love” as to avoid leaving additional evidence.

“What can I say? I’m sentimental,” claimed the gunman in an encrypted statement to journalists. “The idea actually came to me when I was visiting Target. The kitchen decor section has all of these rustic signs with beautiful fonts, half-off since I guess they’re falling out of fashion. Right beneath an embossed wooden mantle reading “Gather,” I saw a framed “Live, Laugh, Love” in gold-plated cursive, with little hearts on the fringe. I instantly knew this phrase would imbue my revenge scheme with a light-hearted twist. But like Elizabeth Gilbert says, you need to get out your “crappy first draft” and I held space for myself to really prepare. I don’t mean to be all obnoxious ‘Type A’ about this, but it had to be perfect. Good thing I had a few backup “Deny, Defend, Depose” bullets in my pocket, just to really send the message home!”

NYPD Chief Jeffrey B. Maddrey weighed in on the gunman’s writing process.

“To be honest, I wish he would’ve used the ‘Live, Laugh, Love’ bullets because morale has been so low,” shared Maddrey in front of a monitor blaring Fox News. “My boys could use an emotional leg up in the investigation. Who doesn’t love a good affirmation? Right now, we have no leads, I’d welcome any boost. A message like “Live, Laugh Love,” is catchy, it’s inspiring. Depression is a real thing around here among ‘the boys in blue,’ especially with winter setting in. I’d suggest therapy, but our insurance keeps denying mental health coverage so I guess I’ll continue taking it out on my family.”

Symbology expert and noted code-breaker Dr. Julie G. Fairweather of UC Davis offered commentary.

“The first draft bullet is really a fascinating wrinkle,” said Fairweather over Zoom from a windowless office. “My work on deciphering remaining Zodiac Killer messages has led me to believe that a playful spirit is possible when committing monstrous atrocities. Many Americans haven’t seen true class warfare. If you’re going to kick it off, you need to have positive messaging. It’s well known that “Let them eat cake” from the French Revolution was indeed a reminder to sometimes slow down and enjoy the finer things in life. The gunman is saying “treat yourself,” especially since these insurance companies certainly won’t.”

At press time, the gunman announced that he is excited to finally unveil his “Positive Vibes Only” bullets in time for the holiday season.

Environmental Win! Scientists Celebrate First Boneless Rhino Bred in Captivity

Posted on by Matt Husser

ATLANTA — Scientists signaled a breakthrough against poachers after the first boneless rhinoceros was successfully bred in captivity at the Atlanta Zoo, environmentalist sources confirmed.

“With the rhinoceros group of species on the verge of extinction, we had to take drastic measures to save these majestic creatures from the illegal ivory trade. Then it hit us: poachers can’t harvest the rhino’s horn if they don’t have any bones!” said scientist Patrick Smith, while unveiling Puddles, the boneless rhino. “The gene editing that created this inspiring creature is our greatest hope to stop the illegal animal trade. By depriving poachers of the horns or any other valuable bones they might desire, we can ensure that this beloved species can live long-ish, relatively healthy lives in captivity.”

Zookeeper Ashley Sterling explained that while she loved caring for the new breed of boneless rhinoceros, it came with a few extra challenges.

“Move over Moo Deng, the world has got a new animal darling: Puddles. What this inspirational rhino lacks in a skeletal system, he more than makes up for with the charming way he oozes around his enclosure picking up grass in his fleshy mouth folds—at least I think that’s his mouth,” said Sterling, attempting to hide her grimace. “While we love taking care of Puddles, we do have to take extra precautions so he doesn’t escape. Last week he squeezed through the gap underneath a door and he almost fell through a sewer grate.”

While the world celebrated the environmental win, one international ivory merchant was reportedly furious about the effect on his business prospects.

“I’ve got half of Epstein’s flight log waiting for rhino horn, and now I’m dealing with this boneless bag of skin. How’s anyone supposed to get a hard-on from this flaccid piece of crap?” said the ivory trader, who asked to remain anonymous. “Andrew Tate alone goes through a kilo of ivory powder a year hoping that it will make his hair grow back, and I’ve already promised Elon Musk to get him a rhino horn katana handle. Maybe if I can get a hold of a few of these boneless flesh bags I can sell him on custom Puddles leather seats for his Cybertruck.”

As of press time, scientists were now hard at work trying to figure out how to produce fleshless tigers.

Help! I Followed Jordan Peterson’s 12 Rules for Life, But I’m Still Losing Custody Over My Son

Posted on by Jay Leon Feder

Anyone who knows me will tell you: I’m a self-improvement junkie. My 2024 New Year’s resolution was to crush at least one self-help audiobook a month. Tai Lopez hasn’t steered me wrong so far, so I decided to finally dive into “12 Rules for Life” by Jordan Peterson.

This book came into my life when I needed it the most. Let me rephrase that—Jordan Peterson came into my life when I needed him the most.

Or so I thought.

My custody hearing for my son, Lukas, was last week, and I had just finished the audiobook. The judge asked if I had been attending my support meetings. Peterson says, “Compare yourself to who you were yesterday, not to who someone else is today.” So I proudly informed the judge that while I used to go through a handle of gin in three hours, this week I stretched it to four. The judge scoffed, but I’m proud of my newfound self-control.

When the topic of Lukas’s suspension from middle school came up I was shocked. Nobody had told me about it but I played it cool and relied on Peterson’s wisdom again: “Be precise in your speech.” I told my son he was allowed exactly four beers. When I was his age I drank way more than that and barely got buzzed, but apparently he blacked out and tried to fight his guidance counselor.

Sensing that the judge was losing patience with me, I pulled out Rule 11, “Do not bother children when they are skateboarding.” I made sure to point out that I’ve never bothered Lukas and his friends when they’re skating. My ex-wife, Jenn, quickly informed the court that Lukas “doesn’t even know how to skate.” This information made me spiral a bit, who were those kids I was filming at the skatepark?

When the judge revoked my joint custody of Lukas, I knew the Carnivorous Canadian had led me astray. Screw you, Jordan Peterson. I stormed out of the courtroom, shoulders slumped in defiance.
Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons once sang, “Walk Like a Man.” If only I’d listened to them instead of some quack with a Kermit the Frog voice.

“Indeed Wrapped” Reveals Which Listings Were Phishing Scams

Posted on by Jacob Albrecht

AUSTIN – Job search site Indeed rolled out a new feature called “Indeed Wrapped” that reveals which job listings posted this year were actually phishing scams, insiders confirm.

“In recent years, we’ve received a lot of feedback from Indeed users regarding the egregious abundance of predatory scams featured on our website,” said Indeed CEO Chris Hyams. “So, we really wanted to show our users that we are listening. To be clear, we have absolutely no intention of cracking down on these harmful fake job listings in the foreseeable future, but that doesn’t mean we don’t care. The decision to introduce Indeed Wrapped is all about caring for our users. Now, they can still provide all the personal, private information they want to exploitative third-party companies, with the added bonus of a fun, short recap that they can share with friends.”

Praise for the company’s new feature has already begun to pour in from Indeed users everywhere.

“I have to admit, I was surprised when I saw my Indeed Wrapped this year,” said Natalie Wilkes, who’s been looking for a job on Indeed for over three months now. “ I mean there were just so many listings that I thought for sure were real companies and jobs, but it turns out, I applied to 3,428 scams this year, and only four real jobs. It actually made me kind of proud, I’m in the top 0.2% of users who blindly shared their Social Security Numbers this year, so I got that going for me.”

Indeed’s marketing director also shared with us some very exciting plans for the future of the platform.

“There’s a project we’re working on for next year that I’m particularly stoked about: Indeed Rewind,” said Michael Remington while pointing to a colorful moodboard. “The idea for Rewind is a fun, musical video featuring some of the most prolific abusers of our predatory system sharing and celebrating all of our users’ personal information for your entertainment. We think it’s really gonna blow up on social media, and we might try making a time machine so we can post it to YouTube in 2011.”

At press time, Wilkes was desperately trying to follow up on an application to a company whose only available contact information is a mailing address in Laos.

Study: Hatred of Bands Solely Because of Fan Base Totally Justified

Posted on by Doug Kolic

WASHINGTON — Researchers at the National Music Lab released a groundbreaking new study that confirmed that hating bands or musicians solely due to their shitty fan bases is scientifically justified, according to insider sources.

“We embarked on this ambitious study with an open mind, and it resulted in a confirmation that being closed-minded enough to hate musicians because of their fans is not only totally acceptable, but mentally fulfilling,” stated Dr. Kenneth Tsagaris. “We did numerous experiments with dozens of control groups, and each time the result was the same, namely if you grew up hating acts like the Dave Matthews Band because of the hordes of braindead morons that followed them around. It’s totally kosher.”

Local music fan Chad Watkins is skeptical about the validity of this study.

“Hmm, I’m not sure how legit this study is, but come to think of it I definitely detest more bands than I like,” said Watkins. “At first I thought I was just a bitter-ass hater who needed to grow up, but it’s good to know that my vile behavior on social media when I attack bands like Metallica and Slipknot is because the stupidest people I went to high school with loved them and that my actions are normal and justified. I’m relieved that I can continue my toxic attitude without a guilty conscience. Thanks, science!”

Music expert Carla Shaw described how this phenomenon has a deep psychological component to it.

“The entire music industry is built on a sense of loathing,” Shaw explained. “Humans often need an outlet to express feelings of hate, and there’s no easier target than crowds of people who adore Tool or a group of gatekeeping fans who think Ghost is a gift from God. Even to this day, I can’t listen to Margaritaville because of those fools who dressed up like a bunch of Hawaiian pirates. Mind you, most of the time this hate is misguided, as bands should be judged on their own merits and not on the folks who base their entire personalities on them. Well, maybe except for Pantera.”

At press time, the researchers released a follow-up study confirming it was also cool to hate bands who your no-good ex used to like.

Political Violence Redirected To Private Sector

Posted on by Dan Rice

NEW YORK — UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson was fatally shot outside of a Hilton hotel in New York Wednesday morning in what experts are calling a “redirection” of the violence normally reserved for political figures.

“Me and the other unhinged violent nutcases got together and decided this was the best path forward,” said a masked man who identified himself as Xrevolution during an interview at an undisclosed location. “Politicians talk about plans and policies to further disenfranchise the poor, but at the end of the day, what do they actually do? If we want to effect real change in this country, we unhinged maniacs need to stop getting bogged down by political assassination attempts and focus our unbridled rage at titans of industry.”

While many in the off-the-grid violent weirdo community praise the redirection as more effective, some view this sudden change of course as grave misstep.

“Oh, so the GOP pigs get off scot-free?!” asked dark web commentor @Day_of_reckoning420 via voice-change phone interview. “I for one will not be wasting my time and ammunition on a bunch of corporate nerds. We need to keep or sights on the real enemy, my dad! I mean Trump! Fuck. Delete the part where I said my dad. Delete it mother fucker, I have a gun!”

The majority of the far-left activist community continues to disavow violence in all of it’s forms.

“Every sane person knows gun violence will solve nothing,” tweeted far-left commentator @CommieScumUnicorn560. “When I think about Brian Thompson I’m heartbroken because I just see all the harassment, boycotting and blackmail that can no longer be levied against him because some maniac killed him in a fit of rage.”

The UnitedHealthcare investor conference was cancelled shortly after the shooting, though an insider confirmed attendees are walking away with “a much clearer message than conferences of years past.”

Metalhead Lets Down Ponytail, Takes Off Glasses, Gets a Little Uglier

Posted on by Shane Pauker

CINCINNATI — Metalhead Tim Grant took off his glasses, let down his ponytail, and shook his hair out, only to look slightly worse than before, witnesses report.

“I wanted to try something different by taking some tension off of my head and letting my plain self shine through,” Grant explained. “Once I saw the results, I realized that the ‘au naturel’ look might not be the one for me. Sure, my mane looks great when I’m headbanging, but in any other context I just look like a roadie. Maybe I could pull off a new look if I cut my hair and stopped wearing oversized Napalm Death tees, but at what cost? I’d rather be the me I’ve grown into naturally over the past 20 years.”

Grant’s longtime friend, Soren Dodson, has come out supporting his choice to maintain the status quo of his face.

“I love Tim. He’s a great guy, but his face needs all the help it can get,” Dodson claimed. “He’s really lucky to have 20/120 vision, since it makes it harder to notice his beady little teddy bear eyes. The ponytail is a stroke of genius, too; I’ve never met anyone with such greasy roots who also manages to have crispy, crunchy split ends, so the ponytail pulls everything out of view. It’s nice to have someone with Tim’s type of looks around, regardless. A face like that at a show reassures the pit is gonna be intense.”

News of Grant’s sudden ugliness uptick has stylist Julio San Martin concerned about the future of his industry.

“This could derail my whole business!” San Martin lamented. “Most of the makeover cases I get are solved by letting some hair down, swapping glasses for contacts, and cashing my check. If that can fall through, I’m going to have to completely revamp my skill set. I don’t want to take a client shopping, or figure out what palettes work for them, or — God forbid — awaken them to their own inner beauty. Some people aren’t meant for more than a basic look and, if they’re ugly enough to need it, I don’t want to find that out!”

At press time, Grant was seen signing up for a support group of male baristas, sound engineers, and sword enthusiasts relegated to permanent updos.