​Opinion: Why Pay $60 For A Concert When You Could Just Take Edibles At A Pet Store?

Posted on by Rob Steinberg

It’s the weekend! Time to unwind from work and have the time of your life.

Tell me, what is your idea of a relaxed fun night? Is it going to see your favorite band play live? A situation that requires securing the sixty-dollar tickets weeks in advance only to spend those in-between weeks figuring out how to get to the venue, stressing about the parking situation, waiting in long lines for disgusting bathrooms, and standing shoulder to shoulder with sweaty strangers for hours just to see a glimpse of the people who write songs you enjoy at a deafening volume?

Personally, I find this to be the choice of chumps and rubes. For a $10 edible, anyone can just as easily walk into a pet store and have the time of their life. You can experience the wonderful moment of feeling a gummy kick in just as you’re sticking your hand in the guinea pig petting area. If you catch just the right hour, you can watch an overworked employee wash a dog. If you play your cards right you might even get to pet that dog after they have been blow dryed. It is magical. I’d love to see Radiohead come even close to recreating that feeling.

Besides the experience being amazing, let’s look at the price differences. A concert costs the original ticket prices plus fees, transportation, a watered-down drink, and possibly some merch. In the end that’s at least a hundred bucks for like four hours. You will have to spend the whole night measuring just how much fun you have to make sure it’s worth it. Meanwhile, over at the pet store, you only have to pay for your drugs and possibly a squeaky toy if the staff accuses you of not buying anything. In the end that’s about $20. That’s a steal!

If you still want music, the average pet store has Adult Contemporary on the speakers, not to mention the beautiful singing of the caged birds. If not your cup of tea, I recommend going to the wall of lizard cages and finding the crickets that are used for food. The crickets make nature’s music. Think you’re too good for cricket music? Well, then you still get to watch them get fed to lizards. How many lizards have you seen get fed at a Radiohead concert? I’m assuming the number is zero despite the high volume of reptile owners in the crowd.

I guess my point is overall, I’m not interested in seeing Radiohead tonight and could really use a friend to stare at hamsters with.

OK Go Video Ends in Tragedy When Mouse Trap Tied to Alarm Clock Causes Ping Pong Balls to Release Early

Posted on by David Britton

CHICAGO — A mouse trap tied to an alarm clock caused a plastic bucket full of ping pong balls to release early during the filming of a new music video for rock band OK Go, causing multiple injuries and fatal wounds, confirmed sources being rushed to the emergency room.

“I’ve never seen a man with so many Hot Wheels embedded in his skull before,” said paramedic Roger Dinghoofer as he heaved another body onto a stretcher. “And the sheer amount of glitter we found in those dog anuses goes beyond anything I’ve seen since the Kermit balloon exploded at the 1986 Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. Unfortunately, there aren’t enough hospital beds for everyone, so we had no choice but to open a temporary shelter at the Chicago Bears stadium. What we need most now are blood donations and assistance from the American Red Cross.”

The band was perplexed after the incident.

“We’re still not sure exactly what went wrong,” said bassist Tim Norwind, who still had his big toes stuck in two cracked bowling balls. “Everything seemed fine when all 500 Pop-Tarts launched off the car roof and landed on the gongs, but somewhere between the typewriter wagons and the slinky bikes, I guess the roller skates must have left the merry-go-round. When the eels had no place to mate their resulting electric rage must have caused a small fire in Andy’s keyboard amp. I mean either that or one of the assistants might have stepped in gum.”

Dr. Sarah Huggins, a top physicist at MIT, explained that OK Go videos are one of the world’s most delicately balanced events, and even the slightest miscalculation can lead to major repercussions.

“I’m honestly surprised this hasn’t happened before,” said Huggins. “We’ve warned those boys several times that they were meddling in god’s territory, but they would just laugh and ask if they could borrow our large proton collider. Serves them right honestly. Plus, the healthcare system is flooded with OK Go-related insurance claims. Soon they will add OK Go music video injuries to their list of pre-existing conditions.”

At press time, members of OK Go revealed that their next music video would just be a couple of cameras while they played their instruments, with maybe only 50,000 delicately arranged dominoes.

Funeral Has Opening Act Where Less Popular Dead Person Is Remembered and Buried

Posted on by Tyler Roland

BURLINGTON, Vt. — Friends and family of recently deceased Edwin Peters decided to go the extra mile for his funeral by arranging the funeral of Don Brinkman to be presented as an opening act, life-celebrating sources confirmed.

“Doors were at 6:00pm and the opening funeral began at 7:00,” said widow Jackie Peters. “Having the other guy remembered as Eddie’s buddies were rolling in was perfect. Just how he would have liked to be honored. Dying like he did – driving his Rolls-Royce into a pool with a BAC of 0.33 – meant only one option for the funeral. At the end, people were clamoring for his will like it was the setlist. Sure, the opening widow asked to borrow my floral arrangements, but overall it went off without a hitch. For the next funeral in the family, I’m hoping for more of a three-day festival in Chicago and we’ll charge 12 bucks for a bottle of water.”

Reverend Van Houston, the officiator of both events, relished the change-of-pace that the unique funeral offered.

“Getting to warm up was great. It was nice to save my condolences for the big show,” Houston explained while buying an “Edwin Peters Forever” poster at the merch table. “I just did a generic ‘Webster’s Dictionary defines death as’ bit and that was it. That dude’s family or friends or whatever totally ate it up. Edwin’s funeral had a much bigger crowd, but they thanked everyone for coming out tonight. The crowd really seemed to be into it. They even requested a few Biblical verses from me.”

The only attendees that noticed something was amiss were the few that showed up for Brinkman’s funeral service.

“Yeah, our beloved Donnie was mundane as shit, but he deserves more than this,” remarked the 78-year-old’s younger brother, Jim Brinkman. “For instance, we had to sell tickets in order to get on this cemetery bill. We only got 30 minutes to set up, do the service, and go. Then this other guy got two hours and an encore, somehow? Seriously, they lowered Edwin’s casket into the ground and then two minutes later they hoisted it back up for a few more prayers. I should’ve known something was off when Don’s funeral was promoted as an ‘all ages burial.’”

At press time, Peters’ family revealed that they would be releasing a live recording of the funeral that would be available on all streaming platforms.

Opinion: It’s Strange That Everyone Here Remembers What They Were Doing on 9/11, but Nobody Can Tell Me Where They Were When My Dirtbike Was Stolen

Posted on by Tim Sheard

The human brain is a truly remarkable piece of matter. From this seemingly unthinking collection of tissues and proteins emerges an inexplicably powerful force that built the pyramids, landed us on the moon, and cured polio. It contains a memory that rivals the most intricately designed computer systems on the planet; a memory that, for everyone here, is able to recall what you were doing on America’s darkest day over two decades ago. Yet, for some reason, it remains conveniently unable to recall where you were when my dirtbike was stolen from outside of our stacked duplex last Thursday.

Seems weird, doesn’t it?

You all know that my Yamaha TT-R230 had been parked in the same spot since August, but it suddenly disappeared at some point in the afternoon when I had to meet with my parole officer, and none of you can tell me where you were at the time. Yet, I have detected sharply contrasting abilities from all of you that cast severe doubt on this weirdly targeted lapse in very recent recollection. Justin, you and I recently had a conversation in which you told me how vividly you remember watching the second plane hit the South Tower on the rolling TV in Pre-Algebra class 23 years ago, but suddenly your memory is a little hazy regarding your activity from just a few days ago? And you expect me to believe this?

And what about you, Darren? You had commented to me how sick the four-stroke SOHC on my Yamaha was when I first brought it home (a sentiment with which I wholly and humbly agreed,) yet your sudden lapse in memory regarding its disappearance juxtaposes sharply with the faded “Never Forget” bumper sticker on the back of your 2015 Ford Fiesta. I’m not asking for much, Darren. I’m only asking for you to apply the same resolute determinism in not forgetting a tragedy befalling your beloved cohabitator that you do an attack that claimed the lives of over 3,000 of your fellow citizens. You owe it to them as much as you owe it to me.

So let’s all have an honest look inward, and understand that we are perfectly capable of applying the same brainpower to amass details regarding our duplex’s 9/11 (my dirtbike being stolen) that we’ve been using for our country’s 9/11. Then, and only then, will we be able to rest easily, and more importantly, I’ll have my fucking dirtbike back.

New Cure Album Perfect Soundtrack to Burgeoning Dystopian Hellscape

Posted on by Tim Graham

EXETER, N.H. — Longtime fan of The Cure Robin Doucette says the band’s “Songs of a Lost World” is an ideal sonic complement to the world’s descent into a nightmarish wasteland, Doc Martens shod sources confirm.

“Cure fans have been waiting 16 years for a new album, and it’s finally here,” said Doucette in a disaffected monotone while hitting a clove vape. “It really couldn’t have come at a better time. The new album is a return to super-depressing form and is providing a tragically appropriate musical companion for my continued decline into ennui and existential angst while I helplessly witness the forces of darkness consume civilization.”

The Cure’s Robert Smith says the album was delayed due to a lengthy bout of writer’s block, but he eventually found a way forward.

“I realized all I needed to do was turn on Sky News for a bit and suddenly I’d be inspired to write some truly dismal songs,” said Smith as he worked butcher’s wax into his hair. “The incessant stream of dire news helped get me in the headspace to write what some are calling my bleakest songs yet. And if that didn’t work, I would simply doomscroll on X for a few hours to get into a properly grim mood. There’s nothing like watching the rapid rise of far right authoritarianism here and abroad to get the morose juices flowing.”

Leeds College of Music professor Colin Babbage has found that when people perceive the world to be in decline, they often seek solace in sad music.

“You might assume that if someone feels like their very existence is on the brink, they may seek out happy music to make themselves feel better, but that’s not the case,” said Babbage. “Instead, people tend to seek out so-called ‘bummer music’ when they feel down. There have been scientific studies which bear this out. In one study, sleep-deprived lab rats who were kept in isolation obsessively pressed a button which played The Smith’s ‘Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me,’ with few ever opting for the button which played ‘You Can Call Me Al.’”

At press time, Doucette was pleased to report that “Songs of a Lost World” syncs up perfectly with the heart-wrenching 1972 animated film “Watership Down.”

Joe Biden Pardon’s Hunter After Being Told the Man Is His Son

Posted on by Dan Rice

WASHINGTON — In a reversal of his previous pledge not to interfere with the sentencing, President Joe Biden has pardoned Hunter Biden after an aid casually referred to him as his son, an incident the President has called “a shocking reveal.”

“I know that reversing my stance on pardoning Hunter Biden is unpopular, but try to understand having a kid changes you and occasionally makes you forget you even have one in the first place,” said President Biden. “From the moment I was told Hunter was my son this morning I knew I would do anything in my power to protect him. America, I have a son.”

While political analysts predicted this pardon to be issued sometime this month, many find his publicly stated rationale for doing so puzzling and concerning.

“This abuse of power comes as no surprise, but the fact that Biden seems to have forgotten he was related to Hunter in the first place is alarming,” said CNN fact-checker Harold Schmitz. “Does he know he has another kid? And a grandchild? Not to mention, a dead son? And can he still launch nuclear weapons?”

While not weighing in on whether she agreed with her father’s decision, the President’s daughter, Ashley Biden, cast doubts on the move.

“You ask me, Hunter would have had it easy in prison. I hope he has fun explaining to Dad that he’s not Cornpop every 5 minutes for the rest of his life like the rest of this family,” said the 43-year-old daughter. “You know what, here’s my laptop, I’m sure there are some crimes on there somewhere, I need a change of scenery, take me away.”

At press time, President Biden was seen boarding Air Force One carrying a baseball glove and a copy of “Bill Cosby on Fatherhood.”

Fred Durst Threatens To Direct Another Movie if He Loses Lawsuit

Posted on by Charles Bill

In an effort to pressure Universal Music Group into a settlement, Fred Durst announced that if he looses his $200 million dollar lawsuit, he would channel his frustration into directing yet another film.

“Those execs don’t know who they’re tryin to play! I’m the guy who made John Travolta need a 5th comeback yo.” said an unhinged Durst in a video posted to social media. “If they don’t pay us the money we’re owed, the money we rightfully earned, I will absolutely direct another horrible film. I’ll get the wildest script from the hottest new writer in the biz, I’ll get Daniel Day-Lewis out of retirement to play the lead, I’ll get so much buzz on this motherfucker you will be forced to watch every excruciatingly mishandled second, don’t fucking test me!”

This is a developing story and will be updated.

New Traveling Wilburys Documentary Reveals No One Knew Why Jeff Lynne Was in the Band

Posted on by Jeff Bender

AUSTIN, Texas — The new Traveling Wilburys documentary “End of the Line” sheds light on the fact that nobody understood why ’70s singer-songwriter Jeff Lynne was in the band, baffled sources reported.

“Imagine our surprise when we learned of a fifth Wilbury. Everyone knew about Roy Orbison, Tom Petty, Bob Dylan, and George Harrison,” said “End of the Line” director Gary Gage. “But then there he was, right on the cover of Vol. 1: bushy hair, goatee, sunglasses. Who was this guy? The drummer? One of the Heartbreakers? Somebody said it was the great Jeff Lynne. I had no idea who that was, or even what ELO was, for the matter. We were almost finished shooting when we realized he was alive and could be filmed for the project.”

When reached for comment, Jeff Lynne confirmed he was alive, had been in the band, and had been interviewed for the new documentary.

“They kept asking me the most asinine questions like, ‘who are you?’ and insinuating I was some sort of ‘Paul is dead’ style hoax,” said a visibly beleaguered Lynne. “I kept telling them that I wasn’t the sound guy, the janitor, or one of the Yardbirds. You know, maybe people on the film crew didn’t know me, but I’m actually very known by the general public. I was right in there with Tom, Bobby, Roy, and George. But I gotta say, after a while, I’ve even started to doubt my own past. I think this is what people refer to as ‘gaslighting.’”

Rock mogul Paul McCartney recalled a conversation with former bandmate George Harrison just as the supergroup was forming.

“He was very excited about the band, you know. And he couldn’t believe who they’d gotten. I said, ‘Tell me.’ He said, ‘Roy.’ Uh-huh. ‘Tom Petty.’ Okay. ‘Bob Dylan.’ Wow. I said, ‘Is that everyone?’ ‘Pretty much!’ He was very coy to tell me about Jeff,” said the former Beatle. “Of course, for a year or so, he’d thought he was playing with Jeff Beck. I have to admit, even now, I don’t know a single Jeff Lynne song. I later learned that Lynne played bass for the band. Well, that makes sense. That’s how I got into the Beatles.”

As of press time, McCartney claimed to know the Jeff Lynne song “Summertime,” but it turned out to be by DJ Jazzy Jeff.

Opinion: I Interrupted Your Favorite TRL Music Video With a Fan Request 25 Years Ago, and I’d Fucking Do It Again if Given the Chance

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Hey you. Yeah, you. Do you remember me? I hope you do. I hope my face is burned into your memory, and every attempt at sleep is thwarted by the sounds of me obnoxiously screaming into a microphone on the streets of Times Square while you’re just trying to peacefully enjoy some music. Is it coming back to you now? I bet it is. I interrupted your favorite TRL music video with a fan request 25 years ago, and you know what? I’d fucking do it again if given the chance.

I revel in the thought of you eagerly rushing home from school to watch the video for “Ana’s Song (Open Fire)” by Silverchair (a rare gem in the stream of filth paraded by Carson Daly) only to have my countenance fill the bottom corner of your screen at the start of the first chorus. I told you my name was Julie, that I was from Michigan, and that I wanted to shout out my best friend Kristin back home. All of these things were true, but what I didn’t say was this: my sole mission with that fan request was to ruin your day. You had been waiting all afternoon to hear that song, and your spirits were crushed the second I appeared.

The fact that this occurred before high-speed internet and music streaming services made any given song readily available makes the despair I caused you even sweeter. That was certainly your one chance to hear that song that particular day, and maybe even that whole week. And to make the situation worse for you (and therefore better for me,) it was a school night, and the option to stay up all night when MTV played music videos without disruption simply wasn’t there. You were shit out of luck, buddy.

You fucking sicken me. How dare you even assume to be entitled to the luxury of watching that video undisturbed. You think you deserved the flicker of joy and satisfaction that song would have given you, you piece of shit? News flash: any happiness you think you’re entitled to belongs to me. And let me tell you something. I was fucking overjoyed in the knowledge that, not only was I occupying the television sets of millions of music fans, but I was the sole obstacle in the way of you getting what you wanted.

You may be asking yourself why I, Julie from Michigan, did this to you. After all, we’d never met, so there’s nothing you could’ve done to warrant such malice. Well, the reason for me is simple. I did it because I could. You were completely powerless against me. I had the opportunity to drink in your misery, and I fucking took it. And you’d better count your blessings that such an opportunity doesn’t exist today, because I would seize it without one fucking second of hesitation.

Missing Woman Found at Bottom of Tote Bag

Posted on by Sarah Feliciano

ASTORIA, N.Y. — Local woman Jessica Hayfeather was recently discovered at the bottom of her gargantuan tote bag after a frantic seven-minute long search, confirmed sources who had been looking all over for her.

“There I was trapped down there like I was James Franco in ‘127 Hours’ rationalizing cutting off one of my appendages or that girl from ‘Silence of the Lambs’ in the basement hole who had to put lotion in a basket,” said Hayfeather. “It all started when I was rummaging through my organic bag for my chapstick while rifling through all of my belongings when all of a sudden I fell head first into my cavernous tote. It was a harrowing experience. I lived off of a half-eaten package of trail mix from Trader Joe’s and had to ration the coconut water I never leave home without. Luckily, someone noticed me four days later, right as I found my chapstick. I knew it was there somewhere.”

Hayfeather’s parents were worried sick about her disappearance.

“I just knew that tote was going to be trouble,” said Lauren Hayfeather. “That’s why I dedicate an entire cabinet to used plastic bags you get from the store. I have a good 300 in there that I can use every day. Sure, I get side-eyed when I carry around my wallet, keys, and phone in a plastic Target bag. But joke’s on them. I’ve never once got trapped in one. Good thing too. That’s how people suffocate.”

The rescue team seemed to know exactly what to do in this situation.

“We see these kinds of incidents day in and day out around here,” said EMT Jenn Havensworth. “We once found a junior soccer team stuck in one of those cumbersome IKEA bags. It took a team of experts to get them out. However, the most difficult rescue occurred after a young man was trapped at the bottom of his fanny pack that he was wearing across his chest. To be safe, always wear a fanny pack over your genitals, like they were intended. Safety first.”

At press time, Hayfeather vowed to only use New Yorker tote bags from here on out since those aren’t big enough to hold anything.