New Cure Album Perfect Soundtrack to Burgeoning Dystopian Hellscape

Posted on by Tim Graham

EXETER, N.H. — Longtime fan of The Cure Robin Doucette says the band’s “Songs of a Lost World” is an ideal sonic complement to the world’s descent into a nightmarish wasteland, Doc Martens shod sources confirm.

“Cure fans have been waiting 16 years for a new album, and it’s finally here,” said Doucette in a disaffected monotone while hitting a clove vape. “It really couldn’t have come at a better time. The new album is a return to super-depressing form and is providing a tragically appropriate musical companion for my continued decline into ennui and existential angst while I helplessly witness the forces of darkness consume civilization.”

The Cure’s Robert Smith says the album was delayed due to a lengthy bout of writer’s block, but he eventually found a way forward.

“I realized all I needed to do was turn on Sky News for a bit and suddenly I’d be inspired to write some truly dismal songs,” said Smith as he worked butcher’s wax into his hair. “The incessant stream of dire news helped get me in the headspace to write what some are calling my bleakest songs yet. And if that didn’t work, I would simply doomscroll on X for a few hours to get into a properly grim mood. There’s nothing like watching the rapid rise of far right authoritarianism here and abroad to get the morose juices flowing.”

Leeds College of Music professor Colin Babbage has found that when people perceive the world to be in decline, they often seek solace in sad music.

“You might assume that if someone feels like their very existence is on the brink, they may seek out happy music to make themselves feel better, but that’s not the case,” said Babbage. “Instead, people tend to seek out so-called ‘bummer music’ when they feel down. There have been scientific studies which bear this out. In one study, sleep-deprived lab rats who were kept in isolation obsessively pressed a button which played The Smith’s ‘Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me,’ with few ever opting for the button which played ‘You Can Call Me Al.’”

At press time, Doucette was pleased to report that “Songs of a Lost World” syncs up perfectly with the heart-wrenching 1972 animated film “Watership Down.”

Joe Biden Pardon’s Hunter After Being Told the Man Is His Son

Posted on by Dan Rice

WASHINGTON — In a reversal of his previous pledge not to interfere with the sentencing, President Joe Biden has pardoned Hunter Biden after an aid casually referred to him as his son, an incident the President has called “a shocking reveal.”

“I know that reversing my stance on pardoning Hunter Biden is unpopular, but try to understand having a kid changes you and occasionally makes you forget you even have one in the first place,” said President Biden. “From the moment I was told Hunter was my son this morning I knew I would do anything in my power to protect him. America, I have a son.”

While political analysts predicted this pardon to be issued sometime this month, many find his publicly stated rationale for doing so puzzling and concerning.

“This abuse of power comes as no surprise, but the fact that Biden seems to have forgotten he was related to Hunter in the first place is alarming,” said CNN fact-checker Harold Schmitz. “Does he know he has another kid? And a grandchild? Not to mention, a dead son? And can he still launch nuclear weapons?”

While not weighing in on whether she agreed with her father’s decision, the President’s daughter, Ashley Biden, cast doubts on the move.

“You ask me, Hunter would have had it easy in prison. I hope he has fun explaining to Dad that he’s not Cornpop every 5 minutes for the rest of his life like the rest of this family,” said the 43-year-old daughter. “You know what, here’s my laptop, I’m sure there are some crimes on there somewhere, I need a change of scenery, take me away.”

At press time, President Biden was seen boarding Air Force One carrying a baseball glove and a copy of “Bill Cosby on Fatherhood.”

Fred Durst Threatens To Direct Another Movie if He Loses Lawsuit

Posted on by Charles Bill

In an effort to pressure Universal Music Group into a settlement, Fred Durst announced that if he looses his $200 million dollar lawsuit, he would channel his frustration into directing yet another film.

“Those execs don’t know who they’re tryin to play! I’m the guy who made John Travolta need a 5th comeback yo.” said an unhinged Durst in a video posted to social media. “If they don’t pay us the money we’re owed, the money we rightfully earned, I will absolutely direct another horrible film. I’ll get the wildest script from the hottest new writer in the biz, I’ll get Daniel Day-Lewis out of retirement to play the lead, I’ll get so much buzz on this motherfucker you will be forced to watch every excruciatingly mishandled second, don’t fucking test me!”

This is a developing story and will be updated.

New Traveling Wilburys Documentary Reveals No One Knew Why Jeff Lynne Was in the Band

Posted on by Jeff Bender

AUSTIN, Texas — The new Traveling Wilburys documentary “End of the Line” sheds light on the fact that nobody understood why ’70s singer-songwriter Jeff Lynne was in the band, baffled sources reported.

“Imagine our surprise when we learned of a fifth Wilbury. Everyone knew about Roy Orbison, Tom Petty, Bob Dylan, and George Harrison,” said “End of the Line” director Gary Gage. “But then there he was, right on the cover of Vol. 1: bushy hair, goatee, sunglasses. Who was this guy? The drummer? One of the Heartbreakers? Somebody said it was the great Jeff Lynne. I had no idea who that was, or even what ELO was, for the matter. We were almost finished shooting when we realized he was alive and could be filmed for the project.”

When reached for comment, Jeff Lynne confirmed he was alive, had been in the band, and had been interviewed for the new documentary.

“They kept asking me the most asinine questions like, ‘who are you?’ and insinuating I was some sort of ‘Paul is dead’ style hoax,” said a visibly beleaguered Lynne. “I kept telling them that I wasn’t the sound guy, the janitor, or one of the Yardbirds. You know, maybe people on the film crew didn’t know me, but I’m actually very known by the general public. I was right in there with Tom, Bobby, Roy, and George. But I gotta say, after a while, I’ve even started to doubt my own past. I think this is what people refer to as ‘gaslighting.’”

Rock mogul Paul McCartney recalled a conversation with former bandmate George Harrison just as the supergroup was forming.

“He was very excited about the band, you know. And he couldn’t believe who they’d gotten. I said, ‘Tell me.’ He said, ‘Roy.’ Uh-huh. ‘Tom Petty.’ Okay. ‘Bob Dylan.’ Wow. I said, ‘Is that everyone?’ ‘Pretty much!’ He was very coy to tell me about Jeff,” said the former Beatle. “Of course, for a year or so, he’d thought he was playing with Jeff Beck. I have to admit, even now, I don’t know a single Jeff Lynne song. I later learned that Lynne played bass for the band. Well, that makes sense. That’s how I got into the Beatles.”

As of press time, McCartney claimed to know the Jeff Lynne song “Summertime,” but it turned out to be by DJ Jazzy Jeff.

Opinion: I Interrupted Your Favorite TRL Music Video With a Fan Request 25 Years Ago, and I’d Fucking Do It Again if Given the Chance

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Hey you. Yeah, you. Do you remember me? I hope you do. I hope my face is burned into your memory, and every attempt at sleep is thwarted by the sounds of me obnoxiously screaming into a microphone on the streets of Times Square while you’re just trying to peacefully enjoy some music. Is it coming back to you now? I bet it is. I interrupted your favorite TRL music video with a fan request 25 years ago, and you know what? I’d fucking do it again if given the chance.

I revel in the thought of you eagerly rushing home from school to watch the video for “Ana’s Song (Open Fire)” by Silverchair (a rare gem in the stream of filth paraded by Carson Daly) only to have my countenance fill the bottom corner of your screen at the start of the first chorus. I told you my name was Julie, that I was from Michigan, and that I wanted to shout out my best friend Kristin back home. All of these things were true, but what I didn’t say was this: my sole mission with that fan request was to ruin your day. You had been waiting all afternoon to hear that song, and your spirits were crushed the second I appeared.

The fact that this occurred before high-speed internet and music streaming services made any given song readily available makes the despair I caused you even sweeter. That was certainly your one chance to hear that song that particular day, and maybe even that whole week. And to make the situation worse for you (and therefore better for me,) it was a school night, and the option to stay up all night when MTV played music videos without disruption simply wasn’t there. You were shit out of luck, buddy.

You fucking sicken me. How dare you even assume to be entitled to the luxury of watching that video undisturbed. You think you deserved the flicker of joy and satisfaction that song would have given you, you piece of shit? News flash: any happiness you think you’re entitled to belongs to me. And let me tell you something. I was fucking overjoyed in the knowledge that, not only was I occupying the television sets of millions of music fans, but I was the sole obstacle in the way of you getting what you wanted.

You may be asking yourself why I, Julie from Michigan, did this to you. After all, we’d never met, so there’s nothing you could’ve done to warrant such malice. Well, the reason for me is simple. I did it because I could. You were completely powerless against me. I had the opportunity to drink in your misery, and I fucking took it. And you’d better count your blessings that such an opportunity doesn’t exist today, because I would seize it without one fucking second of hesitation.

Missing Woman Found at Bottom of Tote Bag

Posted on by Sarah Feliciano

ASTORIA, N.Y. — Local woman Jessica Hayfeather was recently discovered at the bottom of her gargantuan tote bag after a frantic seven-minute long search, confirmed sources who had been looking all over for her.

“There I was trapped down there like I was James Franco in ‘127 Hours’ rationalizing cutting off one of my appendages or that girl from ‘Silence of the Lambs’ in the basement hole who had to put lotion in a basket,” said Hayfeather. “It all started when I was rummaging through my organic bag for my chapstick while rifling through all of my belongings when all of a sudden I fell head first into my cavernous tote. It was a harrowing experience. I lived off of a half-eaten package of trail mix from Trader Joe’s and had to ration the coconut water I never leave home without. Luckily, someone noticed me four days later, right as I found my chapstick. I knew it was there somewhere.”

Hayfeather’s parents were worried sick about her disappearance.

“I just knew that tote was going to be trouble,” said Lauren Hayfeather. “That’s why I dedicate an entire cabinet to used plastic bags you get from the store. I have a good 300 in there that I can use every day. Sure, I get side-eyed when I carry around my wallet, keys, and phone in a plastic Target bag. But joke’s on them. I’ve never once got trapped in one. Good thing too. That’s how people suffocate.”

The rescue team seemed to know exactly what to do in this situation.

“We see these kinds of incidents day in and day out around here,” said EMT Jenn Havensworth. “We once found a junior soccer team stuck in one of those cumbersome IKEA bags. It took a team of experts to get them out. However, the most difficult rescue occurred after a young man was trapped at the bottom of his fanny pack that he was wearing across his chest. To be safe, always wear a fanny pack over your genitals, like they were intended. Safety first.”

At press time, Hayfeather vowed to only use New Yorker tote bags from here on out since those aren’t big enough to hold anything.

Local Cops Battle for Night Off to Attend Upcoming Five Finger Death Punch Concert

Posted on by Ryan Danley

TALLAHASSEE, Tenn. — The Tallahassee Police Department is in chaos due to nearly every officer requesting time off to attend an upcoming Five Finger Death Punch concert, leaving leadership scrambling to cover shifts.

“Look, I don’t just want the night off–I deserve it. I’m a Death Punch Super Fan! If I’m not able to unleash on random people in the pit then I can’t be held responsible if I get a little rough with a shoplifter. That’s the trade-off,” said Officer Chad Rollins who says he’s been faithfully following the band since 2007. “Plus, I’ve got the most time in the field, and it’s not like I’ve ever abused my paid leave. I mean, I’ve only had six officer-involved shootings. Some guys hit double digits and don’t even blink. But me? Just six. I think I’ve been very professional.”

The wave of time-off requests has left Staff Sergeant Michelle Carter in a tight spot, who says coordinating the schedule this week has been the hardest logistical nightmare of her career.

“The last time it was this bad, I had to pull strings to get everyone into anger management the same day. And let’s just say that didn’t go smoothly,” Sergeant Carter sighed. “If I granted the night off to everyone who requested it then this entire city would be operating with less than six police officers for the entire night. I have no idea how we’re supposed to manage any real public safety concerns. Except for, you know, a great many of the public feeling safer without the cops around. We try not to talk much about that.”

To complicate matters further, Five Finger Death Punch’s own stage manager weighed in on the situation when he heard about the dilemma.

“Honestly, I’m not surprised cops want in on the action, this is basically pig heaven,” said Frank “Hammer” Dawson, who’s been on the road with the band for over a decade. “We see so much brawling at these shows, it’s practically a contact sport. Fights, pits, the occasional thrown chair—it’s just a typical Friday night at a cop’s house. Hell, sometimes it’s so intense that local cops come in for crowd control and wind up sticking around as fans. Florida seems to really be into that kinda shit.”

As of press time, Officer Rollins was too busy singing Kid Rock at the top of his lungs to hear a follow-up question.

Hold Up! If Columbia House Went Out Of Business 10 Years Ago, Who Keeps Mailing Me These Melissa Etheridge CDs?

Posted on by Kyle Donley

I’ve always been a reasonable guy. I don’t believe in supernatural forces or little green aliens. But some things just can’t be explained. The deepest mystery of the world might be the fact I keep getting random Melissa Etheridge CDs mailed to my home once a month like clockwork.

I’m no stranger to getting CDs in the mail, I signed up for Columbia House with my mom’s credit card when I was just 13 years old and got all the Jerky Boys albums for 10 cents. It fucking ruled. I was a god in middle school. I even got my first handjob to “Sparky the Clown.” After a couple years, I owned every crude comedy CD known to man, along with a bunch of other cool shit like the Spawn soundtrack and Jock Jams Vol. 2. But then I got an iPod.

As I got older I grew wiser and realized that Columbia House deal wasn’t as sweet as it seemed. I looked into canceling my subscription but the Columbia House legalese was ironclad. Ultimately, it just made more sense to let them charge my mom every month to send me a Melissa Etheridge CD. It has remained the only constant in my adult life, outlasting marriages, pets, and even my poor mother in the end.

This is all despite the fact that Columbia House discontinued its mail-order business in 2009.

I have 238 Melissa Etheridge CDs. I’ve dedicated an entire closet to them. No one is allowed inside my Melissa Etheridge closet except for me. All of the CDs are unique. Different artwork, different songs, all Melissa Etheridge. For years, I considered her to be the most prolific musician of our parlance. It was not until recently that I realized none of these CDs technically exist according to Discogs.

Every road leads to nowhere. Melissa has not replied to any of my cries for help on social media and I’ve since been banned by every Melissa Etheridge Facebook fan page I could find. I’ve written a letter to the Postmaster General each day for the past year to get answers, and still nothing. I thought maybe the Qanon people could help, perhaps Columbia House and the deep state are in cahoots? But they all called me crazy.

Resigned, I sit back in my recliner and put on “Barstow Boogie, Vol. 1,” awaiting for the cruel grip of Winter to present me with Vol. 2.

Scott’s Bass Lessons Unveils Exclusive 90-Minute Masterclass on Shoving an Ampeg 8×10 into a 1994 Toyota Corolla

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

LONDON – Scott Devine and Ian Martin Allison wowed bass players across the globe with their new masterclass on how to shove a refrigerator-sized Ampeg SVT 8×10 speaker cabinet into the back of a 1994 Toyota Corolla, enthusiastic tone-chasing bottom-feeders confirmed.

“In this class, we’ll run you through the best practices on how to forcibly insert an unnecessarily large speaker into your economy sedan like many of the greats who have done so in the past,” said Devine while nonchalantly drilling an ascending harmonic minor scale with an incredibly complex double thumping technique which can be further unpacked through the 14-day free trial to his extensive and ever-growing catalog of courses. “We’ll go through the pros and cons of bringing wildly impractical equipment to bar gigs that have 12 patrons attending, and how to do it with verve, enthusiasm, and the love for the game.”

Avid bass player and casual gigger Michel Arnold has his doubts about the efficacy of Devine’s new online tutorial.

“I don’t know. I drive a Ford Windstar, which is way bigger than a Corolla, and I even have difficulties lugging my Ampeg around. I’m your classic soccer dad with plenty of cargo space, but I can’t even get to the gig unless I take out all of the seats and slap some ratchet straps down. Otherwise, the thing just slides around, smacking into the windows and causing a ruckus,” Arnold proclaimed while pricing Mark Bass combo amps at Guitar Center. “But one thing I know for certain, chicks love when you roll out with the big boy, so I’m all ears at this point.”

Ian Martin Allison, Devine’s right-hand man, urges bassists to approach the masterclass with guarded enthusiasm.

“I’ve said this time and time again. Just like two-handed tapping on an MTD custom 6-string, yeeting an Ampeg 8×10 into the back of your car isn’t for everyone,” Allison stated while adjusting his hat in the reflection of the pickup cover on his Marcus Miller signature Jazz Bass. “We’ll unpack how to distribute the weight over the load-bearing capacity of each respective axle, so you can not only travel safely, but also wield an imposing amount of low-end that won’t even make it to the front-of-house mix anyway. But hey–if you’re too intimidated by our prowess, we don’t blame you a bit for simply buying a larger car.”

At press time, Devine was spotted using his new custom-built Fodera as a coffee table.

Patriotic Nu Metal Fan Does It for the Nookie and Country

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — Local nu metal fan, and proud American, Gary Buski says everything he does in life is in pursuit of nookie and to enrich the United States of America, sources close to the man confirmed.

“I see this nu metal resurgence and I think it’s great a new generation is getting exposed to real music, and not the bubble gum pop bullshit mainstream radio stations try to shove down your throat. But these kids need to know that our freedom to get nookie is only granted to us because we live in the greatest country in the world,” said Buski while taking the bus to his court-ordered anger management class. “The first thing I do every morning is listen to the ‘Star Spangled Banner’ followed by a pledge of allegiance to the flag. After that I go down to the military recruitment center and blast a mix CD of nu metal favorites to get people hyped to serve. It’s just my small way of giving back to this country that has given me so much.”

Jerry “Worm” Cappilo, a lifelong friend, says Buski seems to have been born with a love of nu metal and America.

“I can remember when we were in middle school and Jerry dreamed of serving in Iraq so he could blast Disturbed from his Humvee and blow people’s brains out. Unfortunately, he completely failed the psych test and they didn’t let him join the Army. But that didn’t dull his love for America, if anything it made him an even bigger cheerleader,” said Cappilo. “I remember we went to see Coal Chamber in like 2011. Gary was the only one there with a giant American flag sewn onto one of the legs of his JNCOs. People were a bit freaked out, but that didn’t bother him at all.”

Former President Trump admitted he is actively courting the patriotic nu metal vote.

“I love those little freaks. Why do you think I carry Kid Rock around with me? The guy smells terrible, one of the worst smells you can imagine, but people love him. Not as much as they love me, I could probably write a hard rock album and people would come up to me and say ‘Mr. Trump you rock so hard, I didn’t know it was possible to rock this hard,’” said Trump after being asked about the economy. “If I’m reelected I will bring back Ozzfest, I will bring back the Family Values Tour, you are going to have so many touring nu metal bands you are going to be sick from all the nu metal. And that’s good for steel workers too.”

At press time, Buski announced he had written a nu metal version of ‘Hamilton’ that he plans on performing at the Jacksonville Arts Center sometime next year.