SEQUIM, Wash. — Local audiophile and longtime smoker Dale McGovern preferred the crackling sound and imperfections of cigarettes to the glossy frequency of a vape, confirmed sources who immediately tried to get out of a conversation with him.
“Nothing compares to the imaging response tonality and balanced output resolution of a Parliament Light,” said McGovern before asking his friend to turn off the vinyl record they were playing so that he could listen to his lit cigarette. “It just has a much warmer and richer sound than a Juul. Plus, it’s how nicotine was meant to be inhaled. Vapes are just mass-produced bullshit that normies always fall for. They’re too clean, too crisp, and too bright. It’s just like people who stream their music on their iPhones instead of bringing their record player and entire vinyl collection everywhere they go so that they can listen to the best quality music anywhere. Even on the bus.”
Friends of McGovern had just about enough of his elitist disposition.
“This guy actually thinks his lungs can tell the difference between a Marlboro and rosemary banana-flavored smoke. How foolish,” said friend and vape store employee Jace Prodder. “E-cigarettes just allow me to get my nicotine more conveniently. I don’t really care how it sounds or feels. It’s all going to the same place in my body, which is then exhaled out of my lungs and into the faces of everyone around me within an eight-foot radius. And as a bonus, I never smell like I just took a bath in an ashtray in 1974. Clearly a superior carcinogenic product.”
Experts were well aware of these kinds of people’s proclivities.
“Audiophiles are surprisingly all the same,” said pop culture analyst Gracie Braxton. “First, they develop a stubborn preference about how they intake their music. Second, they move onto their nicotine consumption. Next, it’s anyone’s guess how the common audiophile will evolve. They could start preferring horse-drawn carriages to cars. Or they’ll start riding a penny-farthing instead of a bicycle. Some even start to prefer the ‘smooth feel’ of Bing instead of Google. These people are borderline psychopaths.”
At press time, McGovern also revealed that he preferred the warm, crisp taste of chewing tobacco to that of Zyn.
Known colloquially as “Stevie’s mom,” Kitty is an overbearing control freak and, when pushed to it, an absolute explosive asshole. She would keep everyone in line, but at what cost?
Craig is exactly the worst kind of nerd. Inviting this dick into your punk house is a fast track to him throwing away half of your record collection because they’re the wrong pressing.
Though eyepatches and hook hands are pretty commonplace in punk house living situations, this dude is basically a cop, so don’t even bother opening the door for him.
Ida is a horrible, racist sociopath – and while being a sociopath doesn’t exclude someone from being a punk house roommate out of hand, being a racist piece of shit surely does at that.
Herkabe is the kind of nerd whose behavior actually makes you empathize with bullies. We don’t know which wedgie is the one who finally drove this manipulative bitch over the edge, but we’re confident in saying that even then he definitely deserved it.
Lois’s explosive temper and utter pettiness would be one thing if any of it was actually effective. But after years of screaming demands and doling out corporal punishments her household is still an unlivable hell.
Lavernia barely edges out Lois because at least her brand of unnecessary cruelty gets results. She runs a hell of an Alaskan company store, but certainly not one we’d ever want to live in.
We only ever see enough of these characters to know that they’re manipulative, irresponsible jerks. But still, you’d probably be able to have some fun doing each other’s nails together before having to kick them out for fucking your boyfriend with the door open for the thousandth time this week.
Like a lot of these assholes towards the bottom of the list, Piama has some serious anger problems. What she has in her corner though is a pretty consistent track record of trying to make things work out for the best – just when they don’t work out, hide the power tools and make sure she doesn’t change the WiFi password on you.
This fucking frat boy is gonna talk a big game and then immediately fall to shit when the slightest bit of adversity heads his way. Considering that any punk house living situation is wall to wall adversity, let him buy a keg or two for the party and then kick his whiny ass to the curb.
He’s a dumbass, he’s a bully, and that early 2000s gelled hairdo makes his head look like stale paintbrush. He may be alright for a laugh or two at first, but there are only so many belching contests you can have in one afternoon before the charm is lost entirely. For all his bullying, the man cannot make anyone pay rent.
This fucker is secretly a jock in nerd’s clothing. Would be barred from entering a basement show. Pass!
This fucker is secretly a goth – otherwise known as the jocks of the undercrust. Would kill the vibe of a basement show. Pass!
Abe has a good heart, and in general seems like a pretty fun dude. But when the chips are down, we don’t trust him not to call the cops because someone accidentally put their leftover mozzarella sticks on his designated corner of the fridge.
We don’t know much about Finley except that he’s in military school and is kind of a wuss. Still, an affable goon who blends into the background is fine to live with as long as he pays his share of the rent on time.
