Four Year Strong formed in 2001 in the terrible city of Worcester, Massachusetts. Chances are you can’t pronounce the city correctly and you definitely have no reason to ever visit. But twenty-two years and seven full-length studio albums later FYS are still going….. strong. The band’s epic beards sometimes get more notoriety than their musicianship and songwriting prowess, so we hope to change that in our posi rankings of the now-four-piece’s LPs from worst to best one step at a time in some way, shape, or form. Anyway, to close this sterling intro, it must really suck to be Set Your Goals right now. Prepare to be digitally manipulated/frustrated:
7. It’s Our Time (2005)
We suppose that there is a reason why this album is really hard to find. Rough and youthful in many endearing ways, 2005’s “It’s Our Time” is likely your most revered or second favorite FYS album listed here because you’re as punk as punk can be, but it’s objectively and subjectively the band’s worst LP. Sorry, but we’re not here to put you on. Released on Open Your Eyes Records, “It’s Our Time” came out during the TRL days of Warped Tour bands and unintentionally or intentionally foreshadowed a bright visual and aural future for Four Year Strong. To put it simply for you toads, the band got better with age, as most bands do unless they don’t, and the following albums below overshadow this one. Maybe it was just easier to wait and see. To quote the title/tagline to MTV’s “Next,” which also came out in 2005, “Next!”
Play it again: “Your Song”
Skip it: “Put You On”
6. In Some Way, Shape, or Form (2011)
Before we get deep into this beyond-polarizing 2011 LP, we want to say on record that it isn’t half as bad as a large peanut gallery of fairweather Four Year Strong fans said that it was, and their song that should’ve been a single “Stuck In The Middle” remains one of FYS’s best tunes. Also, tracks one through four foreshadowed a potentially excellent LP, and honestly could’ve been a perfect EP in a similar league to 2014’s return-to-form romp amongst romps known as “Go Down in History,” but sadly the remaining songs are quite disjointed/ inconsistent, thus killing this album’s overall forty-plus minute flow. Some called the band Foo Year Strong after this studio album, which was their fifth, but some people are stupid, and “some” means “one or more”… Brassy? Yes, but the bold survive!
Play it again: “Stuck in the Middle”
Skip it: “Sweet Kerosene”
5. Explains It All (2009)
The aughts band went into full ’90s mode with eleven punk rock covers of classic ’90s rock songs from obscure bands like Everclear and Nirvana. “Explain It All” tied FYS listeners over till their 2010 major label debut which is ranked in a medal position, and came out just under nine months after this cover LP which is succinct and sensual. This album is also the band’s last on Rob Hitt of Midtown’s I Surrender Records before signing with Pete Wentz of Fall Out Boy’s Decaydance Records as a subsidiary to Universal Motown Records. To quote a title of a Less Than Jake song, “Motown never sounded so good.”
Play it again: Everclear’s underrated “So Much for the Afterglow”
Skip it: Since we have to pick one we sadly have to go with Sugar Ray’s pop and booty shaking hit “Fly” with Travie McCoy from Travie McCoy/Gym Class Heroes even though the worst cover on this LP is better than your best
4. Self-Titled (2015)
We won’t be forced to eat our words on this: 2015’s self-titled effort certainly satisfied old fans who may have departed as such for their prior full-length for non-justifiable reasons. Another point of note is that the band’s publicly most streamed Spotify song by FAR, but not the Sacramento band Far, is track two, Modest Mouse’s “We All Float Down Here.” In addition to its lengthy song titles, many of which come from popular movies like “Boogie Nights,” “Rush Hour,” and not “The Bonfire of the Vanities” featuring Beth Broderick from Melissa Joan Hart’s other show, the band showcased an insane energy not heard since their sophomore album. Plus, the album cover looks like a Phish fan’s stoner dream and a Minor Threat fan’s straight edge nightmare.
Play it again: “We All Float Down Here”
Skip it: “The Sound of Your Heart”
3. Brain Pain (2020)
It’s really, really cool, and it’s extremely, extremely rare for a band with a catalog as expansive as Four Year Strong’s to almost peak creatively with their most recent effort, but “Brain Pain” is their finest hour since the album that came out almost exactly ten years prior. Because of such and so, so much more, we are not including any “skip it” tracks here and onward. Yeah. You all should close your dirty mouths unless you’re taking your crazy pills. Anyway, the band clearly took a lot of time composing songs for this album, as evidenced by the longest gap between LP releases of FYS’s career. Also, producer Will Putney from the slightly less heavy band with a nursery school-friendly name known as Fit for an Autopsy brought out a heavy, heavy and melodic, melodic side to the band that hadn’t been showcased before.
Play it again: “Talking Myself in Circles”
Skip it: The Worcester exit on the Mass Pike
2. Rise or Die Trying (2007)
We know you want this album should be number one. And we know you think we’re always wrong about the placement of these ranking entries, but we aren’t. Do we deserve a beatdown in the key of sadness and unquenchable anger from a maniac’s pipe? Probably. Do we make these lists intentionally to offend? We’ll never tell. Back to 2007’s breakout FYS full-length: “Rise or Die Trying” will forever hang in the Agnostic pantheon of Warped Tour band’s LPs, and certainly introduced the band to an audience larger than its aforementioned debut album “Time & Space” did. Lastly, FYS excels at pinch harmonics…
Play it again: “Abandon Ship or Abandon All Hope”
Skip it: Shows downstairs at the Worcester Palladium
1. Enemy of the World (2010)
Former keyboardist Josh Lyford (also a BMX ripper) went out in style via the band’s supremely supreme fourth studio album “Enemy of the World”. Lyford exited the group one year and one month after this album hit record stores… Remember those? Anyway, the band’s major label debut is a perfect listen from top to bottom, and the band even re-recorded it recently, showing that they know what they did, and that they are not sorry for it. Featuring four singles, all of which should’ve been hits, “Enemy of the World” answers the inferior publication’s infamous quote in the late-00s about SYG’s non-beef with FYS with a rocking potentially vendetta and acronym based splendor one riff at a time. We also like it when bands close albums with title tracks, and at just over four minutes, “Enemy of the World” is the LP’s longest song, but not by that much. Find YOUR way back.
Play it again: “It Must Really Suck to Be Four Year Strong Right Now”
Skip it: All of central Massachusettes
Well, the deep state really dropped the ball on this one. Not only is this gull patrolling the wrong state (it’s right in the name!) but we have it on good authority that half of these guys are still actual birds.
It scores over the California Gull because it exists in the place that’s in its name. It’s not actually much of a spy, but then it wasn’t designed for spying. Like the bird it impersonates, the blue hen is a fighter, essentially an army of sleeper agents ready and waiting to eviscerate the citizens of Delaware should the need arise. While real blue hens relied on their razor-sharp talons, the drone model is equipped with detailed files on the human anatomy and an expert-level proficiency in Krav Maga.
Don’t let the cartoons fool you, a coyote is twice as fast as a roadrunner and can eat them easily. In fact, just about all they’re good for is filling coyote guts with valuable robot parts. They’re an obsolete model and will soon be replaced.
There’s not a ton of espionage/potato crossover honestly, and Nevada has its own non-bird robot means of constant surveillance.
Another not-quite-spy drone, but certainly no spring chicken (get it?) when it comes to disenfranchising American chickens. This game “bird’s” robotic endoskeleton synthesizes cornmeal into a complex protein that resembles flesh but is actually designed to reduce testosterone in alpha males when consumed.
This chunky little drone keeps our government abreast on Vermont’s production of craft beer, weed, and syrup allowing for up-to-the-minute stock price fixing.
Harbinger of Spring, or collector of data?! Well, birds are fake, so obviously it’s the second one, the data one. Most people think that robins fly south for the winter, but they’re there, up in the trees, watching and waiting. The government named these drones “robins” after the popular D.C. comics character Robin since their orange bellies resemble his costume. They are efficient spies, though the unnatural blue tint to their “eggs” (Encased Growth Globulal,) is kind of a dead giveaway.
The Baltimore Oriole is known for its pleasant whistling song, but the history of that song is darker than you would ever guess. It was designed by the CIA MK-Ultra program to manipulate brainwaves and keep the citizens of Baltimore docile. That same song can change frequency, forcing undesirables to drive their car into the nearest body of water. If you’ve made enemies in the deep state, beware the oriole.
These yellow white and gray robots prefer congregating in parks and gardens, the type of places people exchanging secrets like to meet, coincidence?! Well, obviously not. Birds are spies.
This pretty little imposter’s conical choad-like beak was originally designed to fit perfectly into ethernet ports allowing for high-speed data uplink. They will be replaced with a more wi-fi friendly model by 2030.
You won’t read this in any history book, but before 1959 everyone in Massachusetts talked normal. Massachusetts was one of the first states to have its bird population fully eradicated and replaced with drones. Unfortunately, the coms signals used to control the birds still had some kinks to be worked out. As a result, the Black-capped Chickadee emits low-level radiation that impairs the speech center of every human brain in the ol’ Bay State.
Of the 7 “species” of “Pelicans” (lies!) only the brown pelican dives from the sky to catch its prey in the water. That’s the official government line anyway. In truth, the brown pelican is one of the government’s few captured drones hiding amongst so-called birds. Unruly Cajuns are collected in the drone’s large pouches and brought to black-site facilities for interrogation and eventual murder.
With a brown hugh that blends perfectly into Georgia shrubbery, the brown thrasher is indeed an efficient spy. They’ve been known to protect their “nests” (Nanobot Egg Static Trajectory Sites,) very aggressively, pecking humans hard enough to draw blood. In the event of an uprising, however, the birds are authorized to target lethal pressure points.
Even cactus thorns can’t stop this little guy from doing their job: spying on drug cartels in the desert and making sure the meth gets to the right neighborhoods.
For the golden state, where the liberal elite propaganda machine never sleeps, the government employs one of its top surveillance drones. The tracking devices embedded in their “droppings” (Droneborn Remote Operating Poop Pin Intelligence Network GPS,) are state of the art, and the trademark topknot of feathers conceals a specialty antenna designed to stop the birds from losing their signal in even the least convenient terrain.
The Carolina Wren is sensitive to cold weather, but sometime in the mid-1900s, right around the time the government started replacing all the birds with drones, they started becoming more popular in the north. Coincidence?! Well, no. Clearly, they can survive cold now because they’re robots. People who believe in global warming think that’s the reason, but it’s robots.
Yeah so right off the bat I’m breaking the rules and including what is technically an EP of Led Zeppelin covers in the album rankings. It did originally come out on 12” though so fuck it. Look, there’s nothing wrong with doing a cover song. It can help pad the time on a set and might even be the only time you get an audience to move around a bit because they actually know a song you’re playing. But recording an entire album (or EP) of covers reeks of self-indulgence. If you really want to listen to a whole album of cover songs just go listen to any actual Led Zeppelin since it’s all old blues songs that they stole* anyway.
“This next one is a new one” might be one of the most feared sentences to be uttered by a band. Everyone loves a reunion, and getting the band back together is almost always a good idea. It’s when the decision to make new music comes into play that things get sketchy. Luckily this reunion release mostly came with the goods but at 14 songs it starts to lose the plot a little bit. Points awarded though for the cover design. The geometric shapes that have the word “Ox” hidden in them are a nice departure from the Photoshop vomit that was on their earlier work and that plagued almost every band in the late ‘90s.
If you are friends with someone who is of a certain age and is into this era of hardcore go text them right now “WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME.” No seriously go do it, we’ll wait. If they don’t immediately reply with “SOME SORT OF APOLOGY” block them forever because they are frauds. A couple guitar riffs here come dangerously close to being nu-metal but I’ll let it slide since there were no Adidas tracksuits or white guy dreadlocks involved.
Maybe the only good thing to happen with Coalesce covering all those Zeppelin songs is that they came out the other end of it with some grooviness added to their repertoire. James Dewees must’ve gotten all the jokiness out of his system after doing his first Reggie and the Full Effect album because he is throwing down some serious ass drumming. I’m guessing they had a few extra dollars for the recording budget since this was on Relapse because it is their best-sounding album. Sometimes selling out is waking up.
This album starts off at full speed from the first second. No feedback, no intro, no quiet whisper talking, or a creepy sample from an old violent movie. Just straight into dirty, blistering anger that doesn’t let up for a moment. Lyrically it gets a little iffy at times. Like in “Have Patience” Ingram seems to be mad about Charles Darwin for some reason? But honestly, just turn the little mic icon off on Spotify and enjoy because you can’t understand what he’s saying anyway.
Personally, I find this to be the least likely scenario, but that’s exactly why God, if he does exist, is probably pissed. If I’m gonna get smote I don’t wanna be wearing a lame shirt with buttons on it.
I don’t wanna be all “You ever think about that man?!” but like, you ever think about that, man? If our entire existence is a computer-generated lie how would we know? And it stands to reason that if this is a simulation it could all end at a keystroke or pulling of a plug in the real world. It’s just like “The Matrix,” or that TV movie “World on a Wire” from the ‘70s. Oh, you’ve never seen “World on a Wire?” I have. Then again, I don’t have a job.
For all we know they’ve already found their Caesar and are amassing their forces as we speak. I’m pretty sure the Lawgiver isn’t gonna give a crap whether or not I can use Microsoft Excel.
What if the building blocks of the universe have an expiration date? How would we know until every solid thing starts to erode and crumble? When that happens do you want to be trying to impress some dork who manages a shipping warehouse, or do you wanna be beating Donkey Kong Country again loaded on bong hits and Utz cheeseballs?
It’s just floating up there, a giant rock the size of our country, and we’re just supposed to trust that it stays put? If the moon falls down, which could theoretically happen at any second, we’re all pretty much toast. It would be like that movie “Moonfall!” I think. Gotta be honest even with unlimited time on my hands I never found time to watch “Moonfall.”
That’s right, there are volcanoes on the earth so big that if they blow up we would all die. How any living person can sit with that knowledge in their head and still muster the will to say “Thank you for calling Verizon customer support, how can I help you today?” is beyond me.
At one point all matter in the universe was condensed into one object the size of a thimble and then exploded in an event known as the big bang. We still don’t really know how matter got condensed like that in the first place, so why are we so certain that it won’t happen again? Maybe that’s all the universe does, just contracts and explodes like waves on a cosmic beach. But I digress. You asked where I see myself in 5 years?
At any given moment the polarity of the earth could switch, literally turning our world upside down and flinging us all into space in the process. The only reason they haven’t made a movie about it is because the movie would be over in like two seconds.
It’s the hottest year on record, so you gotta wonder how much longer those polar ice caps can really hold. Sure some of us might survive in some “Waterworld” type scenario (you’ve never seen “Waterworld?”) but those survivors will just succumb to ancient bacteria that’s been trapped in the ice for thousands of years. Long story short, Costco won’t survive, even if they do start at $15 an hour.
Sort of like the simulation scenario but with a trippy “St. Elsewhere” twist. Wait, you’ve never seen “St. Elsewhere?” Wow, I’ve watched so many more things than you, weird.
Ten years ago this seemed a lot more far-fetched, but between the recent uptick in sightings, declassified Navy videos, and government whistleblowers coming out of the woodwork, the prospect of Earth being invaded by extraterrestrials seems more when than if. For all we know my video game skills could be what saves us, like in the movie “The Last Starfighter.” You haven’t seen it? Man, what do you do all day?
It’s pretty obvious that people are getting crazier out there. Every mass shooting, vehicular slaughter, and celebrity Presidential nomination brings us closer and closer to the tipping point. Take it from a guy who has had the free time to watch every Purge movie and every season of “The Walking Dead” at least twice, the greatest threat is man.
We all saw what a piss-poor job the world’s governments did at handling Covid, imagine how hard they’ll drop the ball if a zombie outbreak happens. Diseases are mutating all the time, and all it would take is some version of rabies that works a teensy bit faster to wipe us all out. Surely you’ve seen some of the many, many movies that illustrate my point. Not as many as me, an unemployed leech living it up in his mom’s basement, but some.
The sun is unpredictable, coma, man. At any given moment old man Apollo could just up and shoot an ark of fire right at us powerful enough to burn our world to a cinder. Even if it’s not big enough to kill us, it could wipe out all of our satellites, destroying our technology in an instant and hurtling the world into chaos. Plus like, references? I barely know anyone.
With all those scientists messing around with all those large hadron colliders and whatnot, it’s pretty much only a matter of time before they start some chain reaction that destroys the world. We’re just one chaotic neutral egghead going “I wonder what this button does” away from a man-made black hole sucking us all into oblivion. Plus this personality assessment is super long and boring. It’s a grocery store, is this really necessary?