16. Common Loon: Minnesota
Let’s just say we would hate to run afoul of an UNCOMMON loon. Get it? Afoul? Anyway, with a migration speed of 70mph, underwater maneuverability and shelf life of nearly 30 years, Minnesota-based dissidents have nowhere to run to and nowhere to hide, baby.
15. Eastern Bluebird: Missouri, New York
Nothing happens in NYC without a pigeon recording every last detail, but the city isn’t where the mafia buries its bodies. They go upstate for that, and eastern bluebirds are wise to their act. Small, innocuous, and crafty, this little bird took down the Gambino crime family almost single-handedly.
14. Northern Mockingbird: Arkansas, Florida, Mississippi, Tennessee, Texas
Is our government run by Atticus Finch? Because they went and killed all the mockingbirds and replaced them with high-tech drones. The new mockingbird does exactly what its name implies — it mocks you. That “pretty” song they tweet is actually a subconsciously coded message designed to remind the citizens of Arkansas, Florida, Mississippi, Tennessee and Texas that their lives are monitored and resistance is futile.
13. Eastern Goldfinch: Iowa, New Jersey
One thing that fascinates people about “birds” is their “mating” (Multiplication of Aerial Titanium Intelligence drones through Nanobotic Gamafusion) habits. When goldfinches pair off, their flight calls become identical, allowing them to find each other and assimilate data on multiple targets.
12. Guam Rail: Guam
One of the CIA’s most cunning drones can be found not in any of the continental states, but in one of the outer U.S. territories. The Guam Rail is endangered, but that’s all part of the plan. They are specifically designed to spy on environmentalists and keep tabs on their dealings. Think about it! I mean don’t think about it all the way to “That’s ridiculous,” think about it like just shy of that.
11. Hawaiian Goose: Hawaii
The world’s rarest, and most technologically advanced Goose. The Hawaiian goose functions as a security drone for the wealthy 1% who reside there, for a fee of course. “Quack quack?” More like “All clear Mr. Zuckerberg.”
10. Lark Bunting: Colorado
This little sparrow has been feeding our government intel on the nation’s crunchiest granola hippies since 1964. Sorry to marsh your mellow Colorado, but your skies are full of narcs.
9. Mariana Fruit-Dove: Northern Mariana Islands
Environmentalists would have you believe that this “bird” faces extinction due to invasive brown snakes, but it’s actually just a covert opp. Every snake that’s eaten one of these colorful little drones is now a sleeper agent.
8. Ring-Necked Pheasant: South Dakota
Ring-necked “birds” for redneck intelligence gathering. These mostly ground-based drones keep an eye on all the libertarian communes in the woods of South Dakota to make sure they don’t become strong enough to pose a threat to American interests.
7. Scissor-Tailed Flycatcher: Oklahoma
Those long dual tail “feathers” (Functional Ethernet Audio Tactical Hub Exo Receptacle Structures,) allow for both optimal air maneuverability and flawless data transmission during complex aerial acrobatics.
6. Willow Goldfinch: Washington
Technically the same “species” (Specialized Periscopic Egg-grown Circuitral Intelligence Enhancement System,) as the finch that patrols New Jersey, but this one ranks higher because it’s prettier. You can know birds aren’t real and still find them pretty, let’s not forget that.
5. Willow Ptarmigan: Alaska
One of our nation’s most successful camouflage drones, it’s programmed to turn snow white in the winter and brown in the spring. No matter what time of year the pipeline workers start to chatter about unionizing, this little “bird” is the first to know.
4. Wood Thrush: District Of Colombia
Anyone in D.C. who starts talking about becoming recognized as a state a little too loudly will find more and more of these speckled little drones congregating by their window every morning.
3. Yellowhammer Woodpecker: Alabama
If the South ever does rise again, every one of these woodpeckers will start morse-coding all about it.
2. Western Meadowlark: Kansas, Montana, Nebraska, North Dakota, Wyoming, Oregon
These extremely autonomous drones emit a soothing melody designed to keep Mid-Westerners docile enough to accept living in the Midwest. They are also known to equip their “nests” (again, Nanobot Egg Static Trajectory Sites,) covered with a grass roof, so no one can see what they’re really hatching in there — PLANS!
1. Northern Cardinal: Illinois, Indiana, Kentucky, North Carolina, Ohio, Virginia, West Virginia
The Red Menace. You don’t get, count ’em, SEVEN states under your belt without being one of the most sinister spy devices the government has ever conceived. Their design is intentionally soothing, meant to create a calming presence that makes people more likely to discuss their deepest darkest secrets comfortably.
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