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We Sat Down With St. Vincent but She Didn’t Do Anything To Cure Our Leprosy

Few rock stars have successfully moved through as many artistic phases as St. Vincent, from the pretentiously complex chamber pop of her debut album to the ‘70s-influenced pretension rock of her latest, “Daddy’s Home.”

We sat down with St. Vincent and the incredibly intense monitoring of her publicist team, hoping that she would cure the nasty case of Hansen’s disease, AKA leprosy, that causes us to be shunned by society and even the dogs of the street, but things didn’t turn out quite like we hoped.

The Hard Times: Hi, your blessedness, thanks for speaking with us today. Sorry about all the filthy rags we’re covered in, it’s part of our whole thing.

St. Vincent: Sure, you have 10 minutes before I need to make a short film with David Byrne. It’s not going to be released or seen by anyone, and I’m very excited.

Great, great. Anyway, how are you? There sure are a lot of guitars in this room.

Fine, how are you? The guitars represent modernity, but also Disney movies.

Okay. We’re actually really, really bad, and we wanted to ask your saintliness for a favor, but-

Oh god, your finger just fell off!

Yes, that’s a big part of what we would like to ask. If it would not be too much of a bother, do you think you could use your capacity as a pure vessel for the divine grace of God Almighty and heal us of our accursed Hansen’s disease?

Hanson is a really underrated band, actually. Their pedal setup is really incredible. Wait, do you not have a nose?

Sorry, let us cover up our ruined visage with some more filthy rags. It’s Hansen’s with an E, not an O. Anyway, about the power of Christ to render us whole and healthy again, as did the blessed St. Francis when he encountered a leper upon the roads of Umbria?

I’m not an actual saint. My name is Annie.

Oh. In that case, can we ask you about your father and his $43 million fraud conviction?

At that point, St. Vincent’s publicist team rose up and beat us with sticks, so no dice on the leprosy thing! We’ll have to try All Saints next.