Every “The Nightmare Before Christmas” Character Ranked by Kill Count

Posted on by Dan Rice

Christmas season is here, and that makes it the perfect time to revisit the Disney holiday classic “The Nightmare Before Christmas.” It’s the touching story of a time when the citizens of Halloween Town decided to try their hand at Christmas. It goes haywire of course, but Santa saves the day, everyone learns a valuable lesson, and the residents of Halloweentown presumably resume their evil, murderous activities.

We’re tired of these monsters getting a pass just because they’re into singing and pageantry. Halloween Town is populated exclusively by unholy creatures who cause death and carnage wherever they go. We’ve decided it’s time to set the record straight. Here’s every character from the “children’s movie” “The Nightmare Before Christmas” ranked by kill count.

31. Santa Claus

No, Santa isn’t secretly a monster, relax. He’s a jolly old magical man who delivers presents to children all over the world just like everyone thinks he is. We include him only because he is a major character, but at best, Santa has only murdered about a dozen people in the name of delivering gifts.

30. Black cat

The cat is pretty much just a cat and has killed no more people than any other black cat in the world, which is to say somewhere between 10 and 20 babies by stealing their breath in the middle of the night.

29. Melting Man

Believe it or not, he’s just a regular guy who happens to be melting. Unfortunately, due to his hideous appearance, Halloween Town is the only place that will have him. He’s killed 11 people, but they were all in self-defense against the various lynch mobs that descended on him whenever he tried to settle down in a normal place.

28. Mr. Hyde

Despite his infamous namesake, Hyde has only killed about a baker’s dozen people, and almost all of them weren’t children. That’s practically being a saint in Halloween Town, a den of horrors. The same can’t be said for the little guy hiding under the hat of the little guy hiding under Hydes’ hat though. That little dude will murder your whole family for fun.

27. Frankenstein

Frankenstein has murdered 18 people in cold blood, not a high body count by Halloween Town standards, but the way he savors and revells in each kill is truly sickening. Just further proof that while the cold hand of science can technically produce life, only the divine spark of our Father on high can imbue a living creature with a soul.

26. Creature Under the Stairs

He’s actually super nice, and he only snatches the occasional child when his natural food supply of bugs runs scarce in the winter.

25. Corpse Family

For a while, they tried doing that “Twilight” thing where they moved from town to town going to High School forever, but people caught on that they were monsters real fast. Probably because of all the rotting and smelling. After killing 26 people who had the misfortune of “discovering” their terrible secret, they accepted that their plan just wasn’t sustainable and moved to Halloween Town.

24. Clown with the Tear-Away Face

He’s pretty redundant honestly. Tearing away a creepy ass clown face to reveal a creepy monster face is like taking off your Jason mask to reveal a Michael Myers mask. It doesn’t escalate anything, it’s just confusing. Maybe it’s the frustration he feels over his failed branding that has motivated him to kill and eat dozens of children.

23. Cyclops

Legends of the Cyclops’s cruel brutality go back to the epics of Homer, and Halloween Town’s resident one-eye is no exception. Keep your sheep, wine, and man flesh away from this monster.

22. Grim Reaper

That’s right, death itself hangs its hat and scythe in Halloween Town. Still think this is a movie the whole family can enjoy? Technically the Grim Reaper’s body count is, you know, all of them, but aside from being the avatar of fate the Grim Reaper goes out of his way to light homeless people on fire for a sense of control—43 and counting—and the police aren’t even trying to catch him.

21. Zombie Band

They’ve got a Danny Ellfman-like sound aesthetic and an insatiable appetite for human flesh. They really know how to give eating your brain while you’re still alive a sweeping cinematic flair.

20. Harlequin Demon

Part old-world clown, part demon, it doesn’t get any more evil than that, He turns dead animal carcasses into hats, does that sound nice? Is that something a nice person would do? Is this someone you really want your children looking up to? On top of having a Leatherface-like fashion sense, this guy is dumb. You didn’t see it in the movie, but he killed 56 people before realizing a human skull was too small to fit over a human head.

19. Witches

I mean, witches! Come on! Did we all just up and forget witches are evil? I know the term has been muddled a bit what with Harry Potter and spooky ladies who sell scented candles on Etsy, but these are clearly old-school child-eating witches, and everyone is just fine with this? Hope your family enjoys all that popcorn and soda pop while you casually watch them boil a child alive in the movie’s opening song!

18. Creature Under the Bed

The creature under the bed is a coward. Why do you think he hides under there? He’s more afraid of you than you are of him. Still, fear makes a creature dangerous. If he’s cowering under your mattress and you get up unexpectedly in the middle of the night he might just panic and pull you under. He’s done it at least 70 times.

17. Igor

He’s the assistant to Dr. Finklestein, one of history’s greatest and most depraved butchers. You could argue that some of that blood is on Igor’s hands as well, and we won’t weigh in, that’s for history to decide. If we’re just talking people Igor has killed personally, 86 sex workers.

16. Jewel Finklestein

She was made with a portion of Dr. Finklestein’s brain and thus inherited a percentage of his muder-in-the-name-of-science impulses. She only has a small part of his brain though, so the science part is kind of lacking. She once killed 11 people to build a potato clock, which is generally speaking way more people than you need to kill to build a potato clock, like 11 more.

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George Santos Says He Plans to Return to Previous Job as Starting Forward for Denver Nuggets

Posted on by Trevor Graham

WASHINGTON — Embattled Congressman George Santos says he is not worried about his future as a politician and that he is already shifting gears to make his return to the starting lineup of the Denver Nuggets, confirmed staffers already looking for new jobs.

“Most people don’t know this, but I walked away from a lucrative seven-figure salary as one of the most dominant players in the NBA in order to serve the fine people of New York’s 3rd district,” said Santos while shredding documents. “Now that my time in office is coming to a successful end, I’m excited to get back out on the court to show the world I’m still at the top of my game. When I was a kid I remember everyone freaking out when Michael Jordan dunked from the free-throw line, that’s nothing compared to what I’ve got ready for my first game back. A 360 tomahawk dunk, from half court worth 600 points.”

Long Island native and diehard Santos supporter Lou Donovan is excited to see the Congressman’s next move.

“I’ll tell you I was a bit heartbroken when I heard Georgie wasn’t going to be playing for the Knicks. I think a doughy 35-year-old is exactly what the team needs to get over the hump this season,” said Donovan. “But I’ll support him wherever he goes. Denver has a great team, I think he will fit in well there. When he was campaigning he talked about his three Super Bowl rings and all I’m saying is the Jets could really use a QB right now. If he wants to make his NFL comeback instead it seems like the time is right, since all those Democrats are tearing this country apart.”

Michael Malone, the coach of the Nuggets, said he is unaware of any plans to add Santos to the lineup.

“We are in a bit of a slump right now and I intend to get back to our winning ways by bringing some people off of the bench that are hungry. I’ve talked with the team owner Stan Kroenke and although he likes Rep. Santos’ politics, we don’t think he’s a good fit for our team, or any team really,” said Malone. “Rep. Santos did email me a 17-minute video where the first half is of him dribbling a ball in his driveway, but multiple times the ball hit his foot and went flying into the street. The second half of the video is Rep. Santos talking about how he is a close personal friend of Dikembe Mutombo and he claims he taught Dikembe how to be so tall. It was very strange.”

At press time, aides for Santos were claiming he was not available for further comment because he was being inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

Punk Hides Spare Key Under Dead Possum on Front Porch

Posted on by Ben Friedman

PITTSBURGH — Local punk Wade Franklin discovered an ingenious method of protecting his home by hiding his spare house key under a possum that died on his front porch, neighbors reported.

“I was caught between a rock and hard place. I was leaving my spare house key under rocks or flower pots for my weed guy, but six times now some assholes found it and let themselves in and ate all the Gushers and Fruit Rolls-Up I’d been saving. Then five days ago this possum up and died on my porch, and I took it as an omen,” said Franklin. “Ever since I started putting my key under this bloated roadkill, we haven’t had a single break-in. I like to think he gave his life choking on my garbage to protect the beer in my fridge.”

Franklin’s housemate was relieved the break-ins had stopped but questioned the long-term plan for keeping the house secure.

“I’m happy that we have some peace of mind, I just wish it didn’t involve the rancid stench of death. Frankly, I think the smell from the possum is creating a natural security fence because nobody has come within 30 feet of our porch since its eyeballs rotted out. The guy that delivers the mail threw up when he saw it and has been leaving our letters on the sidewalk for the past three days” said Caitlin Smith. “The irony is that my friend who watches my cat has to get into the house climbing up the lattice to my second-story window in the back because she won’t go near our front door. I guess we’ll just have to wait until it becomes a skeleton before we can invite people over.”

Local animal control experts are stumped by how many people have been employing unconventional, but organic methods of securing their property.

“It used to be as simple as throwing animal carcasses into the back of my truck but now folks want to keep the damn things, and not even to eat them! Half the time we arrive for a pickup there’s someone hauling a gopher back onto their property to use as a paperweight or some bullshit,” said Louis Becker. “Hiding keys under carcasses isn’t crazy when I think about the guy I saw keeping his bike inside a dead horse instead of just locking it away. Nobody is gonna come near that thing.”

As of press time, Franklin’s security measures received an unexpected boost after deterring a would-be burglar who fled the scene in disgust at the site of hundreds of maggots pouring out of the possum’s mouth.

Opinion: It’s Not My Job To Educate You. Therefore, I Will Not Be Telling You What on the Menu I Recommend

Posted on by Mimi Kenny

These days, too many people have the notion that their ignorance is everyone’s problem but their own. While it’s wonderful to expand one’s understanding of the world and those who inhabit it, it shouldn’t be at the expense of anyone else’s boundaries. That is why I will not be giving any recommendations or further information about our menu.

Day after day, night after night, I’m exhausted, not just from the physical and mental toll familiar to anyone who’s worked in food service, but the agonizing strain of people wanting to know “What’s good?” or “Which of these do you like better?” And no honest answer is ever good enough. I shrug and mumble “I dunno,” and they keep pressing me. At this point, I just tell them to go to our Yelp page. But really, I shouldn’t have to be telling them in the first place, right?

Has it never occurred to them, that I, an overworked parent to three chinchillas, shouldn’t be expected to hold the hands of grown adults—complete strangers, no less—who can’t take it upon themselves to learn if our Kobe beef sliders are as “kick-ass” as their name claims them to be? I’m trying to look out for myself, first and foremost. Contrary to apparently popular belief, my purpose in life is not to inform wine moms of the difference between mayonnaise and aioli.

And it doesn’t stop there. Sometimes, I’ll have a table, and it’ll seem like everything is going as it should. They read the menu, and they order, no questions asked. That is, until about 20 minutes later, when I’m asked “Which way is the restroom?” I’m considerate enough to point in the general direction, but that’s not worth so much as a “thank you” to them. Well, no more. From now on if you want to know where the bathroom is, you can do your own research.

You have unlimited resources at your disposal to learn. Why should I be burdened with telling you how hot our “Super-spicy serrano salsa” is when you have a smartphone sitting right beside you that can lead you to countless reputable TikTok creators with content specifically geared to address queries of the sort?

I have more to say about this, but my boss wants to talk to me about something in her office.

Every Rx Bandits Album Ranked Worst To Best

Posted on by Scott Waldman

The impossible to define, label, categorize, or speak ill of the band known as Rx Bandits have a sterling catalog that is truly amazing sans any hyperbole, but what is even more incredible is that a formerly straight-up, run-of-the-mill third-wave ska-punk act is now a hipster-approved iconic group of gentlemen… Much respect to ‘em, but an ample amount of disrespect to their home, Orange County, the birthplace of the alt-right and general douchiness! Thankfully the band’s longtime producer and collaborator is the antithesis of a douche. Mr. F perfectly captured the band in different ways on various LPs, so he deserves props for all he has done. Anyway, read on and accept that all of these rankings are objectively correct.

8. Demo(nstration) (1996)

You have to start somewhere, and the Rx Bandits literally did such at the bottom with the creatively named “Demo(nstration),” which was released during ska’s peak, and that certainly benefited all involved. However, as professional haters that have more qualifications than you miscreants spouting hot garbage, we can’t justify this one being ranked higher than the dreaded last spot, and we know that the band will certainly agree with our not-so-hot take, but like we alluded to earlier, you sure won’t. These recordings may be youthful and endearing, but they are so low quality that maybe the release shouldn’t have been made public. Band-aids may be for THE soul, but duct tape is better, and RXB managed to prove that they could (wait for it, wait for it) cover up their past with seven, yes seven, more LPs, all of which are superior to this effort.

Play it again: “Band-Aid (For My Soul)”
Skip it: “Teen Idol” for its whack lyrics, and, speaking of such, eventually we will say “skip it” to track one on their Drive-Thru Records debut that we will wax poetic about soon; you know we’re right.

7. Those Damn Bandits (1997)

Those damn (Pharmaceutical) bandits definitely grew a bunch on their sophomore LP “Those Damn Bandits,” but in what sounds like an insulting jab is actually a sincere compliment because they got even better and better afterwards! “Those Damn Bandits” is likely what brought you, dear reader, here unless it didn’t, as it was originally released via Antedote Records, and re-released on Drive-Thru Records, also eventual home to (A) New Found Glory, Midtown, Finch, and Sheryl Crow, just one year later as their first of four RXB LPs for the glorious tastemaker label. Fun fact: Members of the superhero act known as The Aquabats and underrated ska-punk superstars Jeffries Fan Club guest on “Those Damn Bandits.”

Play it again: “S.A.M.”
Skip it: Same as the above

6. Gemini, Her Majesty (2014)

“Gemini, Her Majesty” is better than the first two entries here combined X G2G, but it is our least favorite one from this century. Cheer up, Stargazers, we still love it because ANY Rx Bandits music is GOOD music, with the exception of youthfully ignorant pejorative and inflammatory termed songs. Released on RXB frontman, Dispatch touring member, The (enigmatic) Sound of Animals Fighting’s (The) Walrus, and seemingly genuine affable guy, Matt Embree’s MDB Records, which stands for Mash Down Babylon Records, likely named such because of the song by Chosen Brother and Rhythm of Sound, RXB took the power back and showcased such! Please release more music, gents!

Play it again: “Ruby Cumulous”
Skip it: “Penguin Marlin (possibly another typo unless it isn’t) Brando”

5. Halfway Between Here and There (1999)

“Halfway Between Here and There” is, without question, hesitation, second thought, or filter, the band’s best album from the 20th Century, and this time we mean it now or never! This album is rad as Bad Company for the most part, not just because of its high-quality songs, but the fact that it took the multi-piece band outside of their comfort zones and literally the cigarette butt and feces-covered Orange County. Proof? Ok. We’re gonna corner you with some tourmates from this album’s cycle: The Bloodhound Gang, Goldfinger, Reel Big Fish, and Allen Ginsberg’s spirit who helped co-write (the) Beat Generation’s classic manifesto poem “Howl,” also known as “Howl for Carl Solomon (Schechter)”.

Play it again: “Gun In Your Hand”
Skip it: The album opener “What If,” as it has dated and cringe language that wouldn’t fly in 2023, no matter how catchy and infectious the song is

4. Mandala (2009)

Rx Bandits’ seventh and lucky full-length studio album, has insanely epic album cover art by Sonny Kay, who also designed unbelievable album covers for The Mars Volta, The Locust, 311, yes, 311, and Sergei “Two-Tone Ska King” Rachmaninoff, and a freeform yet huge sound that most four-pieces could never replicate if they tried. Since we sang Matt Embree’s name to the heavens in an earlier section of this album ranking piece, we need to give more sweaty hugs to guitarist/keyboardist Steve “The Fall Of” Choi, Joseph Troy “Which Rhymes With Choi,” Chris “Try To Pronounce My Last Name” Tsagakis, and their Cousin Oliver for absolutely shredding in a non-destructive way on “Mandala,” your high school jazz band teacher’s second favorite LP, of which Medeski Martin & Wood’s avant-groove “Shack-man,” and not WCW’s Shockmaster, will reign supreme.

Play it again: “My Lonesome Only Friend”
Skip it: “White Lies”

3. …And the Battle Begun (2006)

Rx Bandits’ first and only effort to start with an ellipses, and also first non-Drive-Thru Records release that wasn’t their ok, on the cusp of good, but certainly far from superb debut record. This was where the band entered the Hipster Training Academy School To School Plebs, and they freaking graduated with honors, recorded this boundary-pushing, original in the best way, chaotic, and pretty like a pretty picture that is pretty LP in 2005 and 2006, and released “…And the Battle Begun” in the fall of 2006. In closing, Bruce Lee, Nacho Libre, the inventor of Pogs, and your stoner uncle all love this album!

Play it again: “In Her Drawer”
Skip it: “One Million Miles an Hour, Fast Asleep”

2. The Resignation (2003)

“The Resignation,” Rx Bandits’ fifth full-length studio album and last for the aforementioned Drive-Thru Records is ranked in the golden spot approximately ⅓ of the year, but it’s not that time of month for the band, so it’s sitting prettily and/or angrily in the silver slot. Because of such, it is the first of two LPs to, uh, skip a “skip it” section in this piece, and we can sleep soundly knowing that we documented such for y’all. Also, a little birdie told us that “The Resignation” was recorded live at North Hollywood’s now-closed Wishbone Studios, owned by members of Blind Melon, completely live, with various overdubs and other musical intricacies to eventually follow. Not too many bands could effectively do this well, or at all, but there is only one Rx Bandits, and even Big Pharma proudly backs ‘em! Prophetic.

Play it again: All of it or we resign
Skip it: None of it or we malign

1. Progress (2001)

Like we said in the last section of this piece, this one is a “no skip” LP. Progress? Yes, quite literally. In our hottest take here, we need to say on paper that “Progress” is easily the best ska or ska-adjacent full-length studio album to be released this century, and it deserves far more praise than it received then and gets to this day. We mentioned other RXB band members earlier, but also want to shout out former multi instrumentalist, author, teacher, and TSOAF patriarch Rich “ard” Balling, and bassist James “Blunt” Salomone for their hard work and progressive performances on “Progress.” Rumor has it that this LP was originally called “Artificial Intelligence and the Fall of Technology,” which not only sounds like a Fall Out Boy song, but is a weak album title. Still, what we say to you goes in one ear and out the other.

Play it again: 0:00-52:43
Skip it: Regression

Man Becomes Radical Centrist After Falling into New York Times Op-Ed Hole

Posted on by Ben Friedman

FREEHOLD, N.J. — 52-year-old Hank Quinn’s political opinions have swung violently to the center after being exposed to a non-stop barrage of New York Times Op-Ed articles, worried family members have reported.

“I don’t see what the fuss is all about. The New York Times is a respectable paper, and I don’t think having a nuanced outlook on the world around us is a bad thing,” said Quinn. “I’m just glad there’s one news outlet brave enough to let folks who make a case for enshrining abortion rights give equal time to a right-wing talking head arguing how women’s liberation is destroying the middle class. It really makes you think about how unbalanced the media is when it comes to fundamental issues like human rights.”

Quinn’s children feel increasingly helpless watching their father descend into this persona.

“He wasn’t always like this, I swear. He’s been reading the Times forever, but once they gutted the Sports department it was just a slippery slope right into Editorials and their spineless moderate shills. He’s just glued to his iPad all day being inundated with dogshit hot takes, then turns around and tells me that oil companies are equally responsible for global warming as regular people,” said eldest daughter Melissa Quinn. “Yesterday he began talking about the merits of working from home, and then pivoted right into how it wasn’t fair to commercial landlords who have worked hard to have their dads own the building. At this point, I’ll take him being full-blown MAGA if only that meant he took a side.”

Experts in cult deprogramming have seen a rise in requests from families to help loved ones escape centrism’s iron grasp.

“The centrists are far more difficult to crack than any cultist I’ve ever met. The main problem being that these white middle-aged suburbanites don’t want to disrupt the comforts of their existence. They still want to engage in political discourse, so one minute they’ll start making a good point and then immediately switch to devil’s advocate if it pleases the other party. How can you reason with someone like that?” asked psychologist Jack Elwood. “Op-Ed sections from the TImes and Washington Post are accelerating this trend, and if these ‘both sides’ diatribes aren’t checked we’ll find ourselves in a country full of NIMBYs.”

At press time, Quinn’s children informed him they won’t be coming home for Christmas, so as not to expose his grandchildren to his belief that refugees should just try and improve their own countries.

20 Iconic Pop Star Performances Ranked By How Personally Attacked Your Mom Felt By Them

Posted on by Jordan Liffengren

Your mom is a classy lady—she wasn’t raised in a barn for gosh sake! And that means she’s offended. A lot. She just wishes that other people, especially these tacky musicians, knew how to conduct themselves in a public setting. I mean, the things they do to get on the front page of some gossip rag! What do their mothers think about that? Disgusting… Anyway, here are the top 20 iconic performances ranked by how personally attacked your mom felt by them.

20. Rihanna’s 2023 Superbowl Halftime Show Performance

This one is fairly tame. Your mom only thinks that Rihanna should smile more, and that she looks fat. Also, she’s ruining your mom’s day with this “weird performance of people gyrating in sweatsuits. Jeez, they couldn’t even bother to wear a nice pair of slacks.” How is your mom supposed to take Rihanna seriously with that belly hanging out? Oh… she’s pregnant? Well that’s rude of her to interrupt the superbowl with a pregnancy reveal.

19. P!nk’s 2010 Grammys Performance

Your mom actually liked this! Her only feedback was that she thinks P!nk would look so much prettier with longer hair. She looks too “butch.” And that hammock thing is really dangerous, she shouldn’t be doing all these acrobatics without some sort of safety gear. But she has a beautiful voice and figure. You know, your mom used to look like her back in her day, too!

18. Sam Smith and Kim Petras’ 2023 SNL Performance

Your mom is confused by this one—she’s mainly wondering what happened to that nice, clean cut boy who used to wear a little suit when he sang? Men aren’t supposed to wear dresses! That’s not the America she grew up in, so it scares her. When she notices he’s wearing lipgloss, it nearly gives your mom a coronary.

17. Shakira and Jennifer Lopez’s 2020 Superbowl Halftime Show Performance

After her iconic performance in ‘Hustlers,’ J.Lo brought pole dancing to the Superbowl and boy, did your mom hate it. At age 51, all anyone could think about was how friggin’ ripped Jennifer was, but not your mom! She was furious that a family event would call for a stunt as trashy as this. Little kids are watching! And seniors, for that matter, too. This could give someone a heart attack, or worse, remind them that women have stopped repressing their sexuality.

16. Lizzo’s 2019 BET Awards Performance

For obvious reasons, your mom has instant beef with Lizzo. Lizzo is confident, talented, and a free spirit—none of which your mom approves of, for some reason. Anyway, your mom enjoyed the part where she played the flute. All other comments were about her BMI, as if she were a doctor. Always fun!

15. Beyonce’s 2018 Coachella Performance

This show went hard. And great news, your mom actually likes Beyonce for the most part. However, she thinks she should have been at home with her kids instead of “gallivanting around in the desert.” Aside from that, she thinks Beyonce gave a great performance. She just needs to “get her priorities in order.”

14. Fergie’s 2020 NBA All-Star Game Performance

“Ok, lady, just stick to the song like it’s meant to be sung. We don’t need all these bells and whistles.” Your mom clearly takes offense to how violently Fergie murders this one, as does the rest of America. You have no choice but to stand behind her in this decision. “Finally! You agree with me on something,” your mom says. This moment is fleeting.

13. Eminem and Elton John’s 2001 Grammys Performance

This incredible collab between two absolute icons was controversial, but made for an amazing performance. However, your mom will never really “get” rappers. “They’re just talking, does that take talent?” She really wishes that Elton could have just performed alone in one of his funny costumes. She’ll never acknowledge that he is gay.

12. Britney Spears’ 2001 VMA Performance

Let’s admit it, this was way too sexy for your mom. She was going to hate this from the start. Britney used to be this “cute little girl from the Mickey Mouse club,” and now she’s “slanging snakes half-naked on stage.” Your mom wishes she’d play “Oops, I Did It Again,” and is severely disappointed by all the public grinding. She’s planning on writing a letter to MTV about this.

11. Lady Gaga’s 2011 VMA Performance

Gaga’s gender-bending performance featuring Jo Calderone threw your mom for a loop. “What the heck? She looks gross!” Honestly, not the worst reaction in the grand scheme of things. “That Lord Googoo or whatever is just so weird. Why can’t she just be normal for once?” If we tried to explain the absolute artist that is Gaga, it would definitely fly straight over your mom’s head and into a cabinet full of precious moments figurines.

10. Kanye West’s 2010 VMA Performance

When Kanye was at his peak, it was rock bottom for your mom. Yes, he stole the mic from Taylor the year before, but at this point, we were still rooting for him. Maybe she saw something we didn’t. Mainly she doesn’t understand “why he has to use so many curse words in his lyrics.” It’s concerning for her, especially because she’s used to the carefully edited Christian values of The Hallmark channel.

9. Cardi B’s 2019 Grammy Performance

This is bone-chilling for your mom to watch. Morning sex? I like sex? These are lyrics that will haunt her forever. She is actually shorting out and her eye is twitching. She isn’t really saying much about it but you swear you saw blood dripping out of her left ear. Is stigmata occurring? You need to be careful not to wake the beast in a situation like this.

8. Marilyn Manson’s 1997 VMA Performance

Sometimes you just wanna mess with your mom and show her a performance you know will upset her. This definitely fits the bill! She unsurprisingly hates it will a fiery passion. “This is what the world is coming to,” she says, as she spirals over the stove. “This is terrible. That thing is scary.” You know what, she’s not wrong!

7. Prince’s Super Bowl Halftime Show 2007

“Okay, now that’s just disgusting! Really??” Were the first words out of your mom’s mouth when she realized that Prince’s guitar looked like his dick. You had a little chuckle and were just like, “nice,” but this seriously ruined your mom’s very chaste gathering. She never liked Prince anyway, and this really put the nail in the coffin. He was far too comfortable with himself and his sexuality to ever make the cut.

6. Lady Gaga’s 2009 VMA Performance

Gaga makes the list again with her infamous “Paparazzi” performance. This is the performance that started it all for your mom. Gaga made her uncomfortable with “the creepy mask” and “blood everywhere.” Your mom feels extremely uneasy about this one, and is honestly more scared than offended. Sweet dreams, mommy.

5. Snoop Dogg, 50 Cent, Mary J. Blige, Eminem, Dr. Dre, and Kendrick’s 2022 SuperBowl Halftime Show

This show and set design were absolutely incredible. You felt like you were being transported back in time to a nostalgic wonderland when times were simpler. That is until your mom inevitably asks, “Who’s that?” seven consecutive times. She has no idea what’s going on, or who any of these people are. Except for “Snoopy Dogg” who she saw on the Martha Stewart show once. And for that reason, she hates it.

4. Sinead O’Connor’s 1992 SNL Performance

This caused what some might call a “mental breakdown.” Your ultra-conservative mom was not going to watch some bald-headed witch talk bad about The Pope. She’d apparently been training her whole life for this exact scenario, because you anxiously watched her begin a ritual of Hail Marys, worried prayers, and sips of Franzia boxed wine.

3. Janet Jackson & Justin Timberlake’s 2004 Superbowl Halftime Show Performance

Your mom will always choose violence in the case of Janet Jackson’s wardrobe malfunction. In a post-Timberlake world it may seem insane to side with anyone but the victim, but you just don’t understand what Janet’s boob did to your mom. Just agree with her that this sicko experienced an unfortunate mistake that caused her years of grief and shame in a society that hates women. It’s easier.

2. Miley Cyrus and Robin Thicke’s 2013 MTV VMA Performance

You know what? We have to agree with your mom on this one, this was a hard watch. But while we understand that Miley was just going through some growing pains, your mom will take this one to the grave. Unfortunately, Miley really screwed the pooch when she twerked on a married man (regardless of how predatory he is). The term “classless” will always be used in this context.

1. Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera & Madonna’s 2003 VMA Performance

This performance flipped a switch. Your mom responds with a visceral reaction to this homoerotic kiss enjoyed around the world. “EW!” she shouts while clutching her invisible pearls. To her, this is just “wrong on so many levels.” She’s not sure why that gross Madonna would corrupt a couple of nice girls like that. Oh well, now they’re all trash harlots who deserve nothing less than the guillotine.

Nation’s Dads Get Through Art Museum in 6 Minutes

Posted on by Jeff Bender

WASHINGTON — A recent study from the National Endowment for the Arts confirmed U.S. fathers zip through the nation’s art museums in an average of five minutes fifty-one seconds, baffled sources confirmed.

“I don’t feel the need to linger just to see what an artist is getting at. My approach is to keep it moving. I see a picture at three or four miles an hour, and I think ‘Okay,’ and I keep walking,” said Larry Kendecker, 53, of Latrobe, Pa., who moments earlier blasted through the Brandywine River Museum in Chadds Ford. “Oh, boy. Here’s another room. More pictures. Any good? No idea. But I know I’m not gonna stand there like an idiot staring at them, or even, whoa, get inches away to study the ‘texture.’ No thanks. My favorite one today was of a pig. I was like, ‘That’s a pig.’ Great, got it.”

Kendecker’s daughter Leanne, age 23, expressed embarrassment and disappointment in her dad’s efficiency.

“We drove five hours for this, and I spent a lot of money putting the trip together. I majored in art history at Penn State, and I wanted to spend some time showing Dad some of the artists I studied, like Andrew Wyeth and Violet Oakley,” said the younger Kendecker. “But once I started talking, he nodded his head and walked away faster than I could keep up. When I saw him again, he’d apparently been standing outside for a full hour and told me an update about the Ohio State–Nebraska game.”

For the world’s leading sociologists, the phenomenon is all too familiar.

“This is the ‘fatherhood crisis’ people don’t talk about. It’s very common, however, especially among dads whose families are present the day of the visit,” said parental expert Dr. Issak Fisher. “They blow through like a hurricane. But more often than not, we see these same dads return the next day, alone, and really spend time with the art, asking questions of the docents, talking with other dads and—yes—weeping openly. If they’re with family, they feel the need to appear stoic. I once clocked a dad exiting at three minutes eleven seconds. But he’s just been assigned art therapy, so here’s hoping he’s able to be rehabilitated.”

At press time, Kendecker was overheard bragging to another dad that his “stint” in the museum included a visit to the bathroom and a stop at the café.

How To Hit on the Cute Barista by Ordering Your Coffee Like Normal and Leaving

Posted on by Malia Simon

So the person making your coffee is attractive, and you’re thinking now might be the perfect time to take advantage of the fact that they are required to talk to you and slip them your number. This seems like a great idea—in fact, the only thing more charming than doing this would be just ordering your coffee like a normal person and then leaving. We know this can be hard to nail down, so here’s a guide for how to most effectively hit on the cute barista by not.

1. Order something
Maybe this is an unpopular opinion, but we’ve always said the best part about going to a place of business is not the potential sexual conquest, but the fact that you get to order something. Look at all the options— coffee, bagels, pastries. Anything is on the table except for “your number” or “What do YOU think I should order?” It’s also a little known fact that baristas absolutely fall in love with people who just fucking put in an order.

2. Wait for the thing you ordered
Now that your order is in, wait for the barista to prepare it. We know that them making the coffee behind the counter might seem like an invitation for you to ask them how long they’ve been working here or what their favorite “type of coffee” is, but the better move would be to say nothing at all. Remember, everyone loves a mystery— and what could be more mysterious than actually not being a sexual opportunist?

3. Leave
This might be the hardest part of the task, but it is the only final step before you’re finished—your job now is to leave. That’s right. Exit. Remove yourself from the premises. Your relationship with the barista is over until 24 hours from now when you’ll walk yourself through this all again. Yes, you left a tip on the iPad, which might seem like it puts the ball in their court to offer you sexual favors. But if you’re looking to pay for sex there are plenty of other places you can go than the Blue Bottle on your corner.

We hope this guide was helpful. The next time you’re thinking of how to make your move on the cute barista, remember that it is possible to actually just exchange money for goods and services.

Man Spends 45 Minutes Picking T-Shirt to Wear Under Flannel

Posted on by Rob Ryder

WASHINGTON — Local indecisive man Ed Treston spent 45 minutes on Friday night selecting a t-shirt that will never be seen once covered by his favorite flannel shirt, sources who waited patiently in the corner of the room confirmed.

“It’s really become quite a process these days. I have two dressers, most of which are filled with t-shirts. I try on at least a dozen before going with one that I will ultimately second guess all night,” Treston said while shirtless. “It’s a real tricky one tonight, the club I’m heading to is pretty hardcore so it’s not just about picking the right undershirt, it’s about picking an ethos. The gatekeepers don’t fuck around at this place, and they will ask you for album details in a second. I don’t even know how they can tell I’m wearing a band shirt while only seeing 5% to 15% of the entire thing. It’s impressive.”

Treston’s girlfriend, Veronica Grey, is all too familiar with this ritual.

“Every time we go out it’s the same thing. He puts on an episode of ‘The Sopranos,’ gets a tumbler of whiskey, and just stands there staring at his drawer as if it’s a life or death decision. If I’m lucky, 30 minutes in he’s narrowed it down to about 25 shirts,” Grey continued, glaring at her watch while loudly tapping her foot. “He always asks me what I think. He’s got some classic shirts in there and he always looks good in them, but then that god damn wrinkled disgusting flannel comes off the floor and just ruins the whole outfit.”

Rick Spears, owner of Stoney Records, has been supplying Treston with shirts for years.

“I’ve sold him some of my best shirts over the years. An original ‘S&M Airlines,’ a classic ‘Nail in Your Head’ black tee, even a full color Cramps shirt,” Spears continued, a tear forming in his eye. “Not one of them has been seen by the general public since. They might as well have been burned up in a fire. I tell ya, it’s like a mother zebra watching its baby get snatched by a cheetah…hauled away, never to be seen again.”

At press time, Treston was seen taking another 45 minutes staring at an array of green military style jackets in his closet to wear over his flannel.