Every Looney Tune Ranked by How Much They Blame Woke Culture on Their Waning Relevance

Posted on by Dan Rice

While timeless comedy certainly exists, it is scarce due to the often reactive nature of the medium, and that apples even more to standup comedy. Culture and tastes change faster and faster as time goes on, and many entertainers of yesteryear are expressing frustration that they can’t keep up. Jerry Seinfeld, age 70, recently blamed “wokeness” and “over-sensitivity” on his lack of popularity among teenagers. Now, an even older pantheon of stars is blaming politics for their waning popularity.

Many of the Looney Tunes characters, once the apex of comedy, are vocally blaming left-wing political agendas and not the inevitable march of time on the fact that they are no longer in the spotlight. Here is every major Merry Melodies star ranked by how disproportionately they blame the “woke movement” on the fact that they don’t get leading roles anymore.

21. Penelope Pussycat

As one of the few female characters in the Looney Tunes roster, Penelope had a rough go of things in the old days. In her autobiography, she detailed encounters with a Merry Melodies A-lister who would coerce her into painting a stripe on her back so he could more easily pretend they were the same species and make unwanted sexual advances at her. She never named him, fearing retribution, but her description of her abuser as “that smelly French bastard” leaves little to the imagination.

20. Tweety Bird

Though canonically male, Tweety Bird has been at least trans-coded ever since 1952’s “Ain’t She Tweet.” They’ve actually been able to maintain relevance and be discovered by a new generation of fans on, you guessed it, Twitter.

19. Road Runner

In a 2019 interview, Tucker Carlson asked Road Runner if he felt that the radical left-wing Hollywood agenda was killing comedy, to which the bird replied “Hmeep hmeep” and ran away. His politics are hard to pin down.

18. Witch Hazel

On cancel culture: “Today’s young people need to spend less time being outraged online and more time boiling in my cauldron, TE-HE-HE-HE-HE!”

She’s also a huge fan of J.K. Rowling, but only in recent years, so it has nothing to do with the popular book series about witches she wrote. Troubling.

17. Granny

Granny’s shtick was being old and out of touch in the 1950s, so you can imagine how poorly her politics have aged. She might not be aware that gay marriage is legal, or that being gay is legal, or like, even a thing. Her last college stand-up tour was a trainwreck.

16. Henery Hawk

This angry little guy has managed to maintain an audience in the one place that would have him, the far-right infotainment sphere. He can be frequently heard on The Joe Rogan Experience hawking his all-chicken diet guide and insisting that just about anyone you don’t like is in fact a chicken.

15. Michigan J. Frog

Okay, we SWEAR Michigan J. sounded off to us about how woke culture is destroying the entertainment industry and rotting this country from the inside out but whenever we try to get him to do it in front of anyone else he just says “ribbit” and we look like we’re crazy.

14. Buddy

Remember Buddy? Of course you don’t nobody does. Even other Looney Tunes don’t remember Buddy. Anyway, he’s a Nazi now.

13. Porky Pig

“It’s like you c-c-can’t say a-a-a-anything anymore b-because of the li-li-ali-woke satanist Hollywood agenda.”

12. Speedy Gonzales and Slowpoke Rodriguez

These two can be heard on any podcast that will have them griping about how sensitive audiences have become. They consider themselves victims of cancel culture, which is bold talk for mice that were revealed to not even be real Mexicans. There’s no excuse guys.

11. Sylvester the Cat

“There was a time in this country when men went to war and cats could be lifted off the ground by the smell of pies cooling on windowsills. Now we have safe spaces and pronouns. Sufferin succatash, what happened?!”

10. Tasmanian Devil

Given the amount of mudflaps and Walmart t-shirts he can be seen on you would think Taz leans fully right, but he considers himself more a freethinking independent. “The way I see it, the internet has radicalized both sides. The left and the right are both as crazy, and both just as likely to make me spin around all crazy and destroy everything in my path. Not a popular opinion for a guy trying to find work in Hollywood, but hey, I gotta be me.”

9. Lola Bunny

As a more recent addition to the Looney Tunes roster brought on deliberately in the interest of female representation you would think Lola was a progressive, but she pulled a full Gina Carano fast. She’s currently in talks to become the spokesbunny for the NRRA, the National Riffle Rabbit Association.

8. Elmer Fudd

His Twitter bio reads “Be vewy vewy quiet, I’m owning libwals, hu-hu-hu!” Elmer is anti-vax, pro-Trump, and has frequently stated that John Voight and James Woods are the only guys working in Hollywood he trusts.

7. Marvin the Martian

Marvin has never been the most versatile actor in the world, but he still insists that his trouble finding work these days is entirely due to politics.

“Today, to work in Hollywood, you’re expected to think a certain way and to promote a certain agenda. I’ve never understood that. I don’t see how taking a stance against global warming makes someone a good actor. In my day a casting agent would never turn you down simply because you planned on blowing up the Earth.”

6. Daffy Duck

His latest Netflix special “Rabbit Season, Cuck Season” is his lowest watched to date, and it’s not hard to see why. He just doesn’t have it anymore. He spends half the time slapping his knee and wadding around the stage to let everyone know how funny his jokes are, and he just won’t let up on trans people, he keeps doubling down. Somehow his latest tour sold out in 8 minutes.

5. Foghorn Leghorn

We’re not sure what kind of reaction this antebellum-loving deep south rooster was expecting touring college towns in 2024 but needless to say he was not well received. In a now-viral stand-up clip, he can be seen being booed at the Brooklyn Knitting Factory after a tasteless pronouns joke fell flat, stammering “I say I say that’s a JOKE now you liberal Yankee CUCKS!” before storming off the stage.

4. Wile E. Coyote

Wile E. Coyote was never quite as smart as he thought he was, which makes him a perfect pea in Ben Shapiro and Jordan Peterson’s pod. In a recent viral video, he can be seen holding a wooden sign that reads “Sorry liberals, there are only two genders” but then he realizes he’s standing on thin air and flips the sign around to read “Thanks Obama” before plummeting to the bottom of a gorge.

3. Bugs Bunny

His frequent cross-dressing in the ’40s and ’50s gave him a brief queer icon status, but that was undercut when he called Kevin Spacey’s accusers “stinkers and maroons” on social media. Since the backlash over those remarks Bugs has only gone further down the right-wing rabbit hole, claiming he can’t work in comedy anymore because his material is “too edgy for the wokes.” It’s unclear how Mr. Bunny thinks his “left turn at Albequrque” routine is offensive to liberals or why it was ever funny in the first place, but that’s his read. He is currently in talks with Jerry Seinfeld to produce a movie about the invention of carrots.

2. Yosemite Sam

Take a wild guess where this fucker was on January 6th, 2021. Yeah, Yosemite got taken in by the QAnon crowd, the Proud Boys, the Oath Keepers, you name it. Once they took his guns away for the HBO MAX reboot something just snapped in the guy. Let’s just say he’s calling people things a little harsher than “varmint” these days.

1. Pepé Le Pew

How this guy and Bill Maher still have careers is beyond us.

Jury Duty Longest Stretch of Employment Punk’s Ever Had

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

SEATTLE — Juror no. 11, local punk David Martin, told fellow jurors that this is his longest single stretch of continuous employment since entering the workforce as the trial enters its third week, sources reported.

“Usually I pick up odd jobs, give blood whenever, or jerk off into a cup whenever I need extra scratch, so I’m not used to working for this long,” Martin noted while drawing anarchy symbols in his juror notebook. “I tried to get out of this by telling the judge I had some shows coming up, but he called my bluff and asked for flyers so I ended up stuck here, but it’s not so bad. I get paid $15 a day just to listen to these two suits jabber about whether this dude killed someone or not. It’s not as entertaining as ‘Law and Order,’ but I just grab a quick nap when things get boring.”

“The only shitty thing is they don’t feed us, but I can grab whatever leftover food is left on the cafeteria tables and am good,” added Martin, grabbing a half-eaten hamburger from an abandoned table.

Friends were surprised by Martin’s enthusiasm for performing what he described as his “civic duty.”

“David’s an ACAB guy, but I guess as long he’s getting paid he doesn’t care,” said a longtime friend who said his name was “none of our fucking business.” “When the trial started, a bunch of us had bets going to see how fast it would be before he got dismissed or thrown in the clink for contempt, but here we are three weeks later and the guy is a model juror. Personally, I think he’s a bootlicker for responding to the summons, but I couldn’t argue with his logic of having somewhere to be out of the elements every day.”

Experts note that Martin’s embrace of jury duty is common among people on the fringes of society.

“For people without anything to do most of the time, jury work can be appealing,” remarked attorney Dan Abrams. “There are dorks who see getting called for jury duty as a source of pride or some bullshit, but for shiftless layabouts like this lowlife, it gives them a paid way to kill time that also allows them to forget how off the rails their lives have become. That, or the sense of control over another person’s fate. That thought can be very alluring and even arousing to some.”

As of press time, Martin found out that his upcoming drunk and disorderly trial was taking place in the same courthouse as his jury case.

Help! I Reached My Monthly Vulture Article Limit and Now I’ll Never Know How John Mulaney Feels About A24

Posted on by John Adkins

Wow, Vulture. Thanks to your fascist gatekeeping paywall, you stingy bastards have deprived me of learning crucial info in the Mulaney canon. “YoU’vE rEaCheD yOuR mOnThLY aRtIcLe LiMiT?” What are we DOING, Vulture? I’m not built for this! My noggin needs access to random, useless information at all times!

Sure, was I completely unaware that stand-up comedian John Mulaney had anything to say about indie film studio A24 until about five minutes ago and just decided to give a fuck about it. Am I regretting the fact that I wasted all of my “free reads” on four separate articles about the Chris Rock slap even though I already know what happened and watched it happen and it was like two years ago? You bet. But that’s not the point, Vulture!

You could’ve quenched my thirst for knowledge but instead, you decided to smash my curiosity into little Mulaney smithereens. So now I guess I’ll have to check Reddit *throws up* or make a fake Vulture account under the email “vulturesucks@gmail.com,” assuming it’s not taken, and with these miserly practices, I bet it is!

God, I feel so left out, Vulture! I mean, if I don’t find out what’s on Mulaney’s mind, how will I ever be able to participate in the half-angsty white guy comedy discourse? There are SOCIETAL implications at play, here! Mulaney is the great unifier! He’s the only comic that satisfies the Venn diagram between Mulleted hipsters working at Buck Mason and my cousin from butt-fuck Ohio. So how will I fill my Mulaney void? Well, I’ve already watched the Conan O’Brien Hot Ones interview six times today and it’s kinda totally ruined chicken wings and gingers for me––so that’s out the window! Really, Vulture? You couldn’t let me have a goddamn “four-minute” read? What am I supposed to do with those four minutes now? Just SIT with my FEELINGS?

But yeah, I guess I’ll never know how Mulaney felt about the A24 re-release of Stop Making Sense. Or Dream Scenario. Or anything else involving David Byrne’s big-ass suit. So what, I just need to wait until Mulaney directs a David Byrne biopic?! And maybe Richard Kind can play all four members of Talking Heads? God, this is an incredible idea. I can’t wait for this article to get optioned, but in the meantime fuck you Vulture!

Internet Detective Only Destroys Three Innocent Peoples’ Lives Before Never Actually Solving Case

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

PADUCAH, Ky. — Self-proclaimed internet detective Ralph “RurualSherlock” Jenkins managed to only wreak havoc on the lives of three completely innocent individuals before promptly abandoning his half-baked investigation in trying to solve the cold case of 21-year-old Cody O’Brien, who went missing in 1997, multiple sources confirmed.

“I saw the ‘Missing Person’ flier at the supermarket and I knew right then and there that it was up to me to crack the case wide open, no matter the collateral damage,” Jenkins recounted while setting up equipment for his new true crime podcast about the case. “Sure, in the early days of the investigation, I may have been a little presumptuous and released the full legal names and addresses of people I thought, at the time, might have information about the victim. Turns out those people actually had nothing to do with it. Several of them had their porches lit on fire and one guy lost his job, but if that means we bring this case to a close, it was worth it.”

However, many of the people that Jenkins accused don’t like being a part of the “collateral damage” in his search for justice.

“I couldn’t figure out why the entire neighborhood was whispering behind my back whenever I went to church,” 88 year-old retiree Mildred lamented, clutching her rosary beads tightly. “All because that bumbling internet ‘detective’ couldn’t distinguish between a kindly old lady and a criminal mastermind. Now I have people spitting on me at the market and for some reason my credit score has been decimated.”

Licensed and insured private eye Bradley Thompson is also growing tired of internet vigilantes getting in the way of investigations.

“As a seasoned private detective, I can attest that amateur online sleuths like Jenkins often leave chaos in their wake, mistaking speculation for investigation. And throwing out any accusation they think might stick in the hopes of getting a HBO docuseries,” Jenkins said during a stakeout. “True detective work demands diligence, discretion, and respect for the lives affected by every case. Unless it’s a cheating husband, then I pretty much am fully responsible for destroying that family.”

As of press time, Jenkins has all but abandoned the search for O’Brien having found an even juicier child murder to sink his teeth into.

Every Waxahatchee Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on by Lauren Sewell

Katie Crutchfield grew up in Birmingham, Alabama near Waxahatchee Creek and cut her teeth as a young musician alongside her twin sister, Allison Crutchfield. In 2011, Katie decided to forge her own path and channel her energy completely into her solo project, Waxahatchee. Over 12 years, Katie Crutchfield has crafted an intensely personal discography–so personal that ranking them feels a near-impossible task. How do you rank your pleasure against your pain? Your youth against your obsolescence? Your desire to be loved against your desire to be utterly ignored? Well, let’s attempt to find out.

6. Ivy Tripp (2015)

Waxahatchee’s third studio album, “Ivy Tripp” is totally enjoyable and yet leaves something to be desired. The album feels a bit scattered and lacking in cohesion, with some choppy jumps between songs that take the listener out of the emotional ecosystems that Katie is so good at creating. In “Ivy Tripp,” Katie primarily sticks with her modus operandi of short-n-sweet songs, which tend to serve her well, but she also includes a few songs that surpass the four-minute mark. Ultimately, though, the extra length doesn’t accomplish much (take note, ladies and gents).

Play it again: “Air”
Skip it: “Stale By Noon”

5. Tigers Blood (2024)

Katie Crutchfield’s latest pursuit, “Tigers Blood” was released in late March and is being rightfully celebrated. This new release doubles down on the folksy genre shift that Katie introduced in 2020, showcasing sunny-yet-introspective songs that let the mind wander–but not wander so far as to stumble across a shadowy forest, dark pool, or dangerous cliff. While we can all appreciate that Katie is in a content place in her life and now makes music to reflect that, sometimes I still like a little shadowy forest with my mind wandering.

Play it again: “Right Back To It”
Skip it: “Crimes of the Heart”

4. Out in the Storm (2017)

“Out in the Storm” is a shattered mirror—it is sharp, it is honest, and it is sexy. Here, Katie pushes male egos back in their seats, expressing feminine rage so masterfully she almost convinces me of its existence. Not to mention the album features a female-heavy band including Allison Crutchfield and Katie Harkin. The songwriting is concise and bitter, unapologetically calling out some of the people who have wronged her. Give this one a listen when you work yourself up into a fit about the grotesque existence of pick-up artists or when some dude named Brian treats you like trash.

Play it again: “No Question”
Skip it: “Sparks Fly”

3. Saint Cloud (2020)

Released on March 27, 2020, “Saint Cloud” is Waxahatchee’s fifth studio album, which welcomed us into the warm (slightly feverish) arms of a global pandemic. In “Saint Cloud,” Katie shifts genres, leaving her indie and punk influence behind to embrace her folk and country roots from her Southern upbringing. In doing so, she shares a softer, sober side of herself. During a time when a lot of us were feeling fragile, this album was in the right place at the right time. It also prompted a distinct increase in googling of “Arkadelphia.”

Play it again: “Ruby Falls”
Skip it: “War”

2. American Weekend (2012)

Waxahatchee’s debut album, “American Weekend” is hot and heavy. The album encapsulates slow and stagnant summers, tormenting lusts, wet regret, and selfish indecisions. With most of the songs written in a week’s time, “American Weekend” features gut-wrenching and expert lyricism, setting Katie up for a successful career as a solo artist. And just like the title suggests, the album is peppered with sepia-toned Americana images–from static TVs, beer, and cigarettes to cul-de-sacs, lawns, and grass stains. While American Weekend’s lo-fi vibe does feel a little bare bones, Katie’s expressive voice and raw writing really give us so much to chew on.

Play it again: “Bathtub”
Skip it: “Luminary Blake”

1. Cerulean Salt (2013)

Katie Crutchfield not only avoids the sophomore slump with her second album but kicks the idea of one right in the teeth. “Cerulean Salt” is an absolutely stellar combination of intimate vocals and whispered poems with strong-yet-hazy guitar. Katie’s songwriting feels like an invitation to join her in the everyday reckoning of existentialism, which sure is enticing with so many existential crises at our doorsteps. And even when there’s no heaven or hell and nothing matters, Katie still finds a way to make listening to her songs feel sacred.

Play it again: “Peace and Quiet”
Skip it: “Waiting”

Ghost Hunters Swear They Can Hear the Rattling of Dead Punk’s Wallet Chain in Abandoned Denny’s

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

SAN FRANCISCO — A group of amateur ghost hunters recently declared they’ve captured evidence of paranormal activity in an abandoned Denny’s, claiming that the restless spirit of a deceased punk is making his or her presence known through the faint rattling of a wallet chain.

“It was during one of our EVP sessions in the abandoned Denny’s kitchen when we first heard it. A subtle, metallic jingling, like the unmistakable sound of a wallet chain rattling against a plastic chair,” Hank Moran, head of Bay Area paranormal investigative team The Spectral Seekers, recounted. “Perhaps it’s Sid Vicious, forever doomed to wander the mortal realm in search of his last Moons Over My Hammy. We’ve got to keep on the lookout for his Nancy. Er, maybe.”

Skeptics, however, do not believe that footage portrays anything preternatural.

“I find the notion of a ghostly wallet chain rattling in a decaying chain diner about as plausible as finding Bigfoot ordering a Grand Slam breakfast,” noted paranormal debunker Geneva Nelson said after reviewing the evidence. “It is probably a normal, flesh-and-blood punk that is just squatting in the Denny’s, or a family of raccoons. Either way, these guys are gonna have to get tested for rabies.”

Dr. Evelyn Monroe, a renowned expert in paranormal history, isn’t so quick to call the footage bunk.

“It wouldn’t be entirely surprising if the spirit of a punk rocker decided to make this place his eternal stomping ground. Ghosts like to haunt places where they spent a lot of time, and a Denny’s around midnight makes perfect sense,” remarked Dr. Monroe. “Ghosts also appear in places where they experienced a lot of pain. And frankly, a Denny’s is ideal. Where else can you find a perfect potent combination of angst and gastrointestinal distress?”

As of press time, the Spectral Seekers claim to have captured a ghostly voice from within the Denny’s asking if anyone can cover them this time for their coffee.

Opinion: Donald Trump Has Had His Dick Caught in a Zipper for Three Weeks. Here’s Why That Could Spell Trouble for the Biden Campaign

Posted on by Matt Husser

If you’ve been paying attention to the Trump campaign, you might have noticed a bold change to his appearance. No, he didn’t change his trademark blonde combover, or swap out his red tie. Look closely, and you’ll see that Donald Trump has had his dick caught in his zipper for three weeks. If you think that’s good news for the Biden campaign, think again.

Having your junk zipped up in your pants might seem like an unorthodox campaign strategy, but when has the former President ever played by the establishment’s rules? Sure, Trump’s crowds may look at the Republican nominee and see a dangerously swollen black-and-blue horror show between his legs, but it does prove he’s got a dick, and that plays well with his base.

With the medical concerns dogging Biden’s first term, maybe he should be the one leaking some brain on the campaign trail. Nobody’s calling him Dickless Joe yet, but they could be—and that’s a problem for his reelection chances.

That’s because in the heartland, signs reading ‘Damaged Dongs for Donald’ are starting to pop up at rallies, and blue-collar workers are eagerly zipping their genitals into their Wranglers. Noticeably absent in the same cities? Bumper stickers reading ‘Fucked Up Junk For Joe’, or college students mutilating their peckers for Biden. And if the MAGA movement’s zippered teeth get a tight grip on the wieners of swing state voters, Biden’s chances could slip away.

It wouldn’t be the first time a Democrat dangled dick to lure in swing voters. Bill Clinton used to drop hog out of those tiny shorts he wore when he jogged to McDonalds, and he rode that red rocket straight to a second term. Perhaps our political times have changed, and Bill showing his Big Mac was merely some folksy pervert shit of a bygone era—but with the Presidency on the line, can Biden take that chance?

Of course, the unusual strategy brings up more questions than answers about Trump’s ultimate plan for November. Has he not changed his pants in three weeks, or does he re-zip his penis each time he uses the bathroom? How did Eric and Don Jr. get both their penises stuck into one finger trap? And can the country survive the horror of Ted Cruz jumping on the trend? We don’t know, but only time will tell if this bold gambit will ultimately cut off the circulation to Trump’s penis, or cut off Biden’s path to the Oval Office.

Top-Hatted Guy Twiddling Handlebar Mustache in Crowd Watches as Guitarist Inches Closer to Stepping on Landmine Disguised as Pedal

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

KETTLE FALLS, Wash. — Local “Snidely Whiplash-type” Grivelsby Slinkslip was seen leering intently in the crowd for a shoegaze show as he waited for the guitarist to step on a pedal he sneakily switched out for a landmine, melodrama-loving sources confirmed.

“Isn’t the tension just delicious, just ever so tantalizing to say the least? Soon that guitar-wielding do-gooder, whose shoe is hovering ever-so closer to the ‘pedal’ I laid out for him, will be blown to kingdom come! Oh, that solo will be a ‘face-melter’ indeed, my good fellow!” cackled Slinkslip, punctuating every other sentence with a “nyah-hah-ha!” and a dapper hand flourish. “Soon the affections of his many female suitors will have no choice but to be redirected to yours truly! That’s why I wear this top hat, you see? So I’m always ready for my instantaneous wedding! Plus, it hides my dandruff pretty good, but don’t tell anybody that.”

Acquaintances familiar with Slinkslip’s reputation were quick to reiterate that they don’t condone his constant nefariousness.

“I don’t know if it’s the way he twiddles his handlebar mustache, or the cape he insists on wearing every damn show, or even the way he goes around repeatedly reminding everyone ‘I’m a professional stereotypical villain,’ but I’ll be honest: I get bad vibes from that guy,” said scene mainstay Whitley Farrington as he nursed a drink while making sure Slinkslip didn’t put any arsenic into it. “And it goes without saying that if all the rumors bubbling up about him tying folks to railroad tracks or lumber mill logs that are being sliced in half by buzz-saws are true, then we can just consider him canceled right here and now.”

Representatives from Electro-Harmonix, however, are thankful the buyers exist for their niche market of “pedals that are actually explosives.”

“Our ‘Kablammer Jammer’ pedal is one of our top-sellers in the evil schemers over 40 demographic. It’s designed to look like the standard Big Muff stompbox, until the target steps on it and is blasted to smithereens,” said Electro-Harmonix technician Stephen Burrowski, amid a flurry of hurling shrapnel. “I urge everyone to try it out the next time they’re at Guitar Center, if only to snuff out a few of their insufferable employees in the process, heh heh. Just make sure your evil laughter is in tune, and the room acoustics are prepared for the bugle calls of nearby Canadian mounties called in to save the day.”

At press time, Slinkslip’s dastardly plan was thwarted when the guitarist accidentally stepped on a loose bear trap onstage that the villain regrets he somehow had nothing to do with.

Best Year Ever: The 25 Best Movies of 1999 That Are Still Sitting in Your Parent’s VHS Collection in the Attic

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

Those of us old enough to remember the ‘90s look at them at the brief period of our lives where everything was okay. The economy was stable, the Cold War was over and the War on Terror was still a few years away. Things were good. So good that in 1999 we were gifted with one of, if not, the greatest years in cinematic history. Legends of cinema were still churning out classics, even if they’d be their swansong, exciting new voices were emerging, and new technology changed the way movies were made. Sure, “American Beauty” won most of the awards that year, but the Oscars are always kind of bullshit anyway. So with that said, here’s our list of the 25 best movies of 1999. We know we probably left some movie you personally like off or ranked it too low or high, blah blah blah. Whining in the comments won’t change anything.

25. Analyze This (dir. Harold Ramis)

In 1999, a mafia boss entered a psychiatrist’s office and after that pop culture was never the same. Of course we’re referring to this Harold Ramis film that began Robert DeNiro’s hit and miss shift into more comedic roles. This one has some great jokes and characters and we’d like to rank it higher, but at the same time, we can’t help but think that it was this that would cause DeNiro to later make “Dirty Grandpa.”

24. Cruel Intentions (dir. Roger Kumble)

You got to give it to whomever came up with the idea to take “Dangerous Liaisons,” move it to contemporary New York City, and then stack the cast with WB stars. It’s a concept just crazy enough to work and it did! We just guess that watching attractive, rich people play sick mind games with each other will always be entertaining in some way or other. Some definitely made bank off this one.

23. Beau Travail (dir. Claire Denis)

Are we including this one just to make ourselves look less vapid in our movie choices, probably. If subtitles and long meditations on colonialism, masculinity, and repressed sexuality aren’t really your jam, we do recommend you give this one a watch for a truly fierce dance sequence to Corona’s ‘Rhythm of the Night.”

22. But I’m A Cheerleader (dir. Jamie Babbit)

Until watching this one, we assumed that Melanie Lynskey was American. This coming-of-age drama invokes Pedro Almodovar and John Waters in its take on queer identity and romance during those miserable teenage years we’d all rather forget. Equal parts funny and heartfelt, unflinchingly raw in its depiction of sexuality, and a rare non-drag appearance by RuPaul as an ex-gay camp counselor.

21. Drop Dead Gorgeous (dir. Michael Patrick Jann)

It’s no easy task to take a genre like dark comedy and make it work with a PG-13 rating. But this delightful and nasty satire of small-town America and pageant culture is a funny twist on the teenage years that predates “Mean Girls,” does so in spades and is in many ways superior. Plus, any time Allison Janney plays a white-trash character, we’re on board.

20. Blair Witch Project (dir. Eduardo Sanchez)

Okay, we get this one is polarizing, but just hear us out on this. First of all, in 1999 the found footage horror genre was still a pretty new concept. Also, the use of unknown actors allowed them to push the notion that this was actually found footage. Sure, inevitably the secret came out, but it was in those early days of the internet before Twitter and Reddit ruined the moviegoing experience so it was fun while it lasted we guess?

19. Eyes Wide Shut (dir. Stanley Kubrick)

Kubrick’s final film was unfairly maligned at the time because cynical Hollywood executives decided to market this movie as more of a Tom Cruise-Nicole Kidman romantic drama. It’s not and the normies apparently weren’t ready for the psycho-sexual mystery among the wealthy that ensues. Thanks to this movie, the public is now more aware of the depraved orgies the super-rich have on the regular.

18. Bringing Out the Dead (dir. Martin Scorsese)

Martin Scorsese and screenwriter Paul Schrader reunite to make this psychological drama about an insomniac paramedic suffering from hallucinations of the patients he couldn’t save. If that fact isn’t enough to get you to watch this one, we have to question your taste in cinema and overall television. Fine, it’s probably one of Scorsese’s best soundtracks ever. Is that enough for you?

17. Go (dir. Doug Liman)

Upon its release, it was pretty easy to dismiss this one as yet another Tarantino knockoff of idiosyncratic pop-culture references and non-linear editing. And in lesser hands, it would’ve easily been just that. But director Doug Liman and a stellar cast, especially Sarah Polley, elevate this to a funny, quirky, and intense caper set in the late ‘90s rave scene we all kind of regret participating in. Put on a ring-pop and invite your old dealer over to wax nostalgic over this one.

16. The Sixth Sense (dir. M. Night Shylaman)

Three quotes probably sum up the nineties in cinema. ‘Show me the money,’ ‘Run Forrest Run’ and ‘I see dead people.’ With its unique premise and infamous twist, it’s no surprise this movie earned several Oscar nominations including Supporting Actor for Haley Joel Osment and Supporting Actress for the sublimely brilliant Toni Collete. Regrettably, for quite a few involved with this movie this was kind of where they peaked.

15. The Insider (dir. Michael Mann)

Remember all those god-awful anti-smoking PSAs, school assemblies, and videos we all were forced to suffer through in the early to mid-90s? Well, imagine now if those were directed by Michael Mann and starred Al Pacino and Russell Crowe as a journalist and former tobacco executive who team up to take down big tobacco. You wouldn’t be so quick to huck eggs at them or let the air out their tires in the school parking lot, now would you?

14. Run Lola Run (dir. Tom Tykwer)

It’s German! It’s got that insane techno soundtrack! It’s literally about a woman named Lola running! But, yet, it’s so much more than that…Honestly, by this point, we figure you know the premise. If you’re an older millennial, you and your equally pretentious college friends probably felt pretty high and mighty liking this one until that film student you were trying to impress mentioned they thought Kieslowski’s “Blind Chance” was better. Don’t worry though, this one slaps, they were just trying equally as hard to look cool as you were.

13. Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai (dir. Jim Jarmusch)

Look, we’re a punk site. We’re legally required to include a Jim Jarmusch movie on this list. While he has a dud or two (“The Limits of Control” or “The Dead Don’t Die”) Ghost Dog is not one of them. Once you take a second or two to look past Forest Whitaker’s cornrows, you get a slick action thriller that seamlessly brings together samurai and gangster flicks into this delightful, RZA scored movie. Also, bonus points for rapping mafiosos.

12. American Movie (dir. Chris Smith)

The ultimate ode to the DIY spirit and one man’s version of the American dream. Bills, setbacks, and severe lack of talent be damned, Mark Borchardt is hell-bent on getting Coven made. This movie has a heart and never judges its subjects, severely flawed as they are.If ever there were a movie that embodied the spirit of Punk Rock, it’s “American Movie.”

11. The Virgin Suicides (dir. Sofia Coppola)

The ‘90s did not start out well for Sofia Coppola and it seemed that the stain of “The Godfather Part III” would never come off. Or the even worse title of untalented Nepo Baby. However, the directing apple apparently doesn’t fall far from the tree as Coppola creates an almost dreamlike view of suburban life in the ‘70s, with a pretty kickass soundtrack too, that saved her from becoming the nineties answer to Pia Zadora.

10. South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut (dir. Trey Parker)

If you’re an older millennial, you’ll remember 1999 as the year you bought tickets to see some other movie in order to sneak into either this or “American Pie.” While the latter hasn’t aged as well as millennials of a certain age, the complexities of Satan’s relationship with Saddam Hussein and hearing Eric Idle say “big floppy donkey dick” will never not be funny. Also, the title is a dick joke. And those are always fun.

9. The Limey (dir. Steven Soderbergh)

You probably know this one from the clip of an angry old English guy screaming “Tell him I’m fucking coming.” You probably laughed at it, cuz it’s an old English dude screaming he’s coming. Okay, now that that’s out of our system, let’s talk about “The Limey.” As the title would suggest, it’s about a limey who is hellbent on seeking vengeance against those he believes killed his daughter. A fairly straightforward plot that’s made infinitely more entertaining thanks to some amazing performances and Soderbergh’s direction. Plus, Peter Fonda as a sleazy record producer!

8. All About My Mother (dir. Pedro Almodovar)

Judging from the comments we get sometimes, we at the Hard Times often wonder if any of you can actually read, so we should warn you that this one has subtitles. If you’re able to get past that, you can enjoy this colorful, literally, Pedro Almodovar drama featuring pregnant nuns and lesbian actresses coming together to help a grieving Mom. It’s a celebration of women, mother’s, camp, and being queer. So you know, woke.

7. Office Space (dir. Mike Judge)

Overlooked in the theaters, this Mike Judge cult-classic found new life on video and helped prepare countless millennials for the soul-crushing drudgery of adulthood. Endlessly quotable, with a line for just about every social/professional situation you’ll inevitably find yourself in as you surrender your dignity, hopes, and dreams to pay the bills. Sure, your douchebag boss quoting it kind of detracts from the movie sometimes, but just picture Jennifer Aniston flipping off her boss and find your moment of zen.

6. Election (dir. Alexander Payne)

Reese Witherspoon’s career-defining performance that’s been misinterpreted by politicians like Elise Stefanik ever since. Seriously, every character in this movie is just plain awful and we’re so here for it. If the existential dread of the 2024 election is sending your sanity to the breaking point, consider this biting satire of American politics set against the backdrop of a high school election becomes more horrifyingly accurate with each passing year and just laugh at how fucked we truly are.

5. Toy Story 2 (dir. John Lassetter)

Next time someone asks you to name a sequel that’s better than the original, drop this one on them. Bringing back pretty much everyone from the first, plus some excellent new additions, this movie delightfully skewers obsessive collector culture and to maybe appreciate the things we have rather than whining about the things we don’t you greedy fucks. It brought the music of Randy Newman to a new generation which we won’t hold against it.

4. Magnolia (dir. Paul Thomas Anderson)

Cynical film school graduates will attempt to dismiss this movie as a “Short Cuts” knock-off, but they’re just jealous. Yes both movies are ensemble films about fucked-up Los Angelinos and, yes, both movies have Julianne Moore, but this movie has its own interesting take on life, love, death, and things left unsaid. Also, Tom Cruise gives the best performance of his career as an Andrew Tate-style pick-up artist. So good we almost forget all that Scientology stuff…

3. Fight Club (dir. David Fincher)

Discourse over the extremely online kind of ruining this movie for some aside, just remember that this movie was a satire of masculinity brought on by mass-consumerism and had more than its share of nudge-nudge wink wink homoeroticism. And released by a major studio and starring one of the most bankable movie stars in the world, no less. Plus, it predated social media so at least we were spared the hot-takes and pseudointellectual discourse every movie released these days triggers. Life was simpler back then.

2. The Matrix (dir. The Wachowskis)

1999 saw the return of the “Star Wars” saga to the big screen. Had someone told you then that a movie about artificial intelligence enslaving humanity starring Keanu Reeves would revolutionize cinema (for better or worse) and go on to become one of the most iconic movies of all time, you’d have been laughed out of the room. Yet 25 years later, one still wonders how it’s possible for one movie to kick so much ass.

1. Being John Malkovich (dir. Spike Jonze)

The ‘90s were an interesting time where a movie based solely on the premise of becoming actor John Malkovich got a mainstream release. Music video director and skateboard photographer Spike Jonze made the leap to cinema almost seamlessly when he teamed up with Charlie Kauffman for this oddball comedy. Quite frankly, we miss the days when studios still made quirky, weird comedies like this. Had this movie come out in the last five or so years, we’re pretty confident “Hey Malkovich, think fast” would have been an instant classic meme.

Conservative Owns the Libs by Paying $4,000 a Month for His Ford F-350

Posted on by Ben Friedman

CHATTANOOGA, Tenn. — Local conservative Bill Wallace announced he’s ramped up his fight against the liberal agenda by spending $4,000 a month to lease his new Ford F-350, his family has confirmed.

“All I hear is ‘hybrid vehicle this’ and ‘global warming that’ from these fucking tree huggers. I bet Biden is plotting to replace trucks with shitty Prius cars or whatever they drive in San Francisco. That’s why I went down to the dealer and got the biggest, loudest, most loaded F-350 on the lot. I don’t care that I’ll be out $4,000 a month, you can put a price on freedom,” said Wallace. “My family is giving me shit about not having a job or hobbies that would warrant a truck that costs three times my mortgage. But I’d rather work 80 hours a week to pay for it than lower my carbon emissions.”

Wallace’s wife understood his need to stick to his principles, but feared he’d gone too far this time.

“This family bleeds red, white, and blue, but we’re also bleeding money. I supported him donating our life savings to help build the border wall, but this is beyond stupid. I told him to get something practical, not a monster truck with a thousand-dollar gun rack. Did he forget we have a baby and need room for a car seat?” said Becky Wallace. “And had the nerve to ask me to get a job to help pay for the gas! If he wants to stick it to the libs this badly, he can live in the truck. Then he’ll have plenty of time to rant in the cab on Facebook since he had to get Wi-Fi installed in it.”

Truck dealerships have been embracing customers like Wallace, as it has sent their commissions sky high.

“Normally I’d bust a guy’s balls and hone in on his insecurities to tack on extra amenities. But thanks to this blind hatred of the left, folks are buying the most obnoxious trucks on the lot, price be damned,” said Ford salesman Dean Childers. “If someone is on the fence I’ll just tell them some unfettered shit like Pete Buttigieg wants to ban halogen headlights or mud flaps and they’ll throw their credit card at me. It’s like taking candy from a baby.”

As of press time, Wallace’s truck has been repossessed after missing a payment due to his bank account overdrafting from splurging on chrome-plated Punisher truck nuts.