Press "Enter" to skip to content

Internet Detective Only Destroys Three Innocent Peoples’ Lives Before Never Actually Solving Case

PADUCAH, Ky. — Self-proclaimed internet detective Ralph “RurualSherlock” Jenkins managed to only wreak havoc on the lives of three completely innocent individuals before promptly abandoning his half-baked investigation in trying to solve the cold case of 21-year-old Cody O’Brien, who went missing in 1997, multiple sources confirmed.

“I saw the ‘Missing Person’ flier at the supermarket and I knew right then and there that it was up to me to crack the case wide open, no matter the collateral damage,” Jenkins recounted while setting up equipment for his new true crime podcast about the case. “Sure, in the early days of the investigation, I may have been a little presumptuous and released the full legal names and addresses of people I thought, at the time, might have information about the victim. Turns out those people actually had nothing to do with it. Several of them had their porches lit on fire and one guy lost his job, but if that means we bring this case to a close, it was worth it.”

However, many of the people that Jenkins accused don’t like being a part of the “collateral damage” in his search for justice.

“I couldn’t figure out why the entire neighborhood was whispering behind my back whenever I went to church,” 88 year-old retiree Mildred lamented, clutching her rosary beads tightly. “All because that bumbling internet ‘detective’ couldn’t distinguish between a kindly old lady and a criminal mastermind. Now I have people spitting on me at the market and for some reason my credit score has been decimated.”

Licensed and insured private eye Bradley Thompson is also growing tired of internet vigilantes getting in the way of investigations.

“As a seasoned private detective, I can attest that amateur online sleuths like Jenkins often leave chaos in their wake, mistaking speculation for investigation. And throwing out any accusation they think might stick in the hopes of getting a HBO docuseries,” Jenkins said during a stakeout. “True detective work demands diligence, discretion, and respect for the lives affected by every case. Unless it’s a cheating husband, then I pretty much am fully responsible for destroying that family.”

As of press time, Jenkins has all but abandoned the search for O’Brien having found an even juicier child murder to sink his teeth into.