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Opinion: Donald Trump Has Had His Dick Caught in a Zipper for Three Weeks. Here’s Why That Could Spell Trouble for the Biden Campaign

If you’ve been paying attention to the Trump campaign, you might have noticed a bold change to his appearance. No, he didn’t change his trademark blonde combover, or swap out his red tie. Look closely, and you’ll see that Donald Trump has had his dick caught in his zipper for three weeks. If you think that’s good news for the Biden campaign, think again.

Having your junk zipped up in your pants might seem like an unorthodox campaign strategy, but when has the former President ever played by the establishment’s rules? Sure, Trump’s crowds may look at the Republican nominee and see a dangerously swollen black-and-blue horror show between his legs, but it does prove he’s got a dick, and that plays well with his base.

With the medical concerns dogging Biden’s first term, maybe he should be the one leaking some brain on the campaign trail. Nobody’s calling him Dickless Joe yet, but they could be—and that’s a problem for his reelection chances.

That’s because in the heartland, signs reading ‘Damaged Dongs for Donald’ are starting to pop up at rallies, and blue-collar workers are eagerly zipping their genitals into their Wranglers. Noticeably absent in the same cities? Bumper stickers reading ‘Fucked Up Junk For Joe’, or college students mutilating their peckers for Biden. And if the MAGA movement’s zippered teeth get a tight grip on the wieners of swing state voters, Biden’s chances could slip away.

It wouldn’t be the first time a Democrat dangled dick to lure in swing voters. Bill Clinton used to drop hog out of those tiny shorts he wore when he jogged to McDonalds, and he rode that red rocket straight to a second term. Perhaps our political times have changed, and Bill showing his Big Mac was merely some folksy pervert shit of a bygone era—but with the Presidency on the line, can Biden take that chance?

Of course, the unusual strategy brings up more questions than answers about Trump’s ultimate plan for November. Has he not changed his pants in three weeks, or does he re-zip his penis each time he uses the bathroom? How did Eric and Don Jr. get both their penises stuck into one finger trap? And can the country survive the horror of Ted Cruz jumping on the trend? We don’t know, but only time will tell if this bold gambit will ultimately cut off the circulation to Trump’s penis, or cut off Biden’s path to the Oval Office.