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Help! I Reached My Monthly Vulture Article Limit and Now I’ll Never Know How John Mulaney Feels About A24

Wow, Vulture. Thanks to your fascist gatekeeping paywall, you stingy bastards have deprived me of learning crucial info in the Mulaney canon. “YoU’vE rEaCheD yOuR mOnThLY aRtIcLe LiMiT?” What are we DOING, Vulture? I’m not built for this! My noggin needs access to random, useless information at all times!

Sure, was I completely unaware that stand-up comedian John Mulaney had anything to say about indie film studio A24 until about five minutes ago and just decided to give a fuck about it. Am I regretting the fact that I wasted all of my “free reads” on four separate articles about the Chris Rock slap even though I already know what happened and watched it happen and it was like two years ago? You bet. But that’s not the point, Vulture!

You could’ve quenched my thirst for knowledge but instead, you decided to smash my curiosity into little Mulaney smithereens. So now I guess I’ll have to check Reddit *throws up* or make a fake Vulture account under the email “[email protected],” assuming it’s not taken, and with these miserly practices, I bet it is!

God, I feel so left out, Vulture! I mean, if I don’t find out what’s on Mulaney’s mind, how will I ever be able to participate in the half-angsty white guy comedy discourse? There are SOCIETAL implications at play, here! Mulaney is the great unifier! He’s the only comic that satisfies the Venn diagram between Mulleted hipsters working at Buck Mason and my cousin from butt-fuck Ohio. So how will I fill my Mulaney void? Well, I’ve already watched the Conan O’Brien Hot Ones interview six times today and it’s kinda totally ruined chicken wings and gingers for me––so that’s out the window! Really, Vulture? You couldn’t let me have a goddamn “four-minute” read? What am I supposed to do with those four minutes now? Just SIT with my FEELINGS?

But yeah, I guess I’ll never know how Mulaney felt about the A24 re-release of Stop Making Sense. Or Dream Scenario. Or anything else involving David Byrne’s big-ass suit. So what, I just need to wait until Mulaney directs a David Byrne biopic?! And maybe Richard Kind can play all four members of Talking Heads? God, this is an incredible idea. I can’t wait for this article to get optioned, but in the meantime fuck you Vulture!