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Top-Hatted Guy Twiddling Handlebar Mustache in Crowd Watches as Guitarist Inches Closer to Stepping on Landmine Disguised as Pedal

KETTLE FALLS, Wash. — Local “Snidely Whiplash-type” Grivelsby Slinkslip was seen leering intently in the crowd for a shoegaze show as he waited for the guitarist to step on a pedal he sneakily switched out for a landmine, melodrama-loving sources confirmed.

“Isn’t the tension just delicious, just ever so tantalizing to say the least? Soon that guitar-wielding do-gooder, whose shoe is hovering ever-so closer to the ‘pedal’ I laid out for him, will be blown to kingdom come! Oh, that solo will be a ‘face-melter’ indeed, my good fellow!” cackled Slinkslip, punctuating every other sentence with a “nyah-hah-ha!” and a dapper hand flourish. “Soon the affections of his many female suitors will have no choice but to be redirected to yours truly! That’s why I wear this top hat, you see? So I’m always ready for my instantaneous wedding! Plus, it hides my dandruff pretty good, but don’t tell anybody that.”

Acquaintances familiar with Slinkslip’s reputation were quick to reiterate that they don’t condone his constant nefariousness.

“I don’t know if it’s the way he twiddles his handlebar mustache, or the cape he insists on wearing every damn show, or even the way he goes around repeatedly reminding everyone ‘I’m a professional stereotypical villain,’ but I’ll be honest: I get bad vibes from that guy,” said scene mainstay Whitley Farrington as he nursed a drink while making sure Slinkslip didn’t put any arsenic into it. “And it goes without saying that if all the rumors bubbling up about him tying folks to railroad tracks or lumber mill logs that are being sliced in half by buzz-saws are true, then we can just consider him canceled right here and now.”

Representatives from Electro-Harmonix, however, are thankful the buyers exist for their niche market of “pedals that are actually explosives.”

“Our ‘Kablammer Jammer’ pedal is one of our top-sellers in the evil schemers over 40 demographic. It’s designed to look like the standard Big Muff stompbox, until the target steps on it and is blasted to smithereens,” said Electro-Harmonix technician Stephen Burrowski, amid a flurry of hurling shrapnel. “I urge everyone to try it out the next time they’re at Guitar Center, if only to snuff out a few of their insufferable employees in the process, heh heh. Just make sure your evil laughter is in tune, and the room acoustics are prepared for the bugle calls of nearby Canadian mounties called in to save the day.”

At press time, Slinkslip’s dastardly plan was thwarted when the guitarist accidentally stepped on a loose bear trap onstage that the villain regrets he somehow had nothing to do with.