CHATTANOOGA, Tenn. — Local conservative Bill Wallace announced he’s ramped up his fight against the liberal agenda by spending $4,000 a month to lease his new Ford F-350, his family has confirmed.
“All I hear is ‘hybrid vehicle this’ and ‘global warming that’ from these fucking tree huggers. I bet Biden is plotting to replace trucks with shitty Prius cars or whatever they drive in San Francisco. That’s why I went down to the dealer and got the biggest, loudest, most loaded F-350 on the lot. I don’t care that I’ll be out $4,000 a month, you can put a price on freedom,” said Wallace. “My family is giving me shit about not having a job or hobbies that would warrant a truck that costs three times my mortgage. But I’d rather work 80 hours a week to pay for it than lower my carbon emissions.”
Wallace’s wife understood his need to stick to his principles, but feared he’d gone too far this time.
“This family bleeds red, white, and blue, but we’re also bleeding money. I supported him donating our life savings to help build the border wall, but this is beyond stupid. I told him to get something practical, not a monster truck with a thousand-dollar gun rack. Did he forget we have a baby and need room for a car seat?” said Becky Wallace. “And had the nerve to ask me to get a job to help pay for the gas! If he wants to stick it to the libs this badly, he can live in the truck. Then he’ll have plenty of time to rant in the cab on Facebook since he had to get Wi-Fi installed in it.”
Truck dealerships have been embracing customers like Wallace, as it has sent their commissions sky high.
“Normally I’d bust a guy’s balls and hone in on his insecurities to tack on extra amenities. But thanks to this blind hatred of the left, folks are buying the most obnoxious trucks on the lot, price be damned,” said Ford salesman Dean Childers. “If someone is on the fence I’ll just tell them some unfettered shit like Pete Buttigieg wants to ban halogen headlights or mud flaps and they’ll throw their credit card at me. It’s like taking candy from a baby.”
As of press time, Wallace’s truck has been repossessed after missing a payment due to his bank account overdrafting from splurging on chrome-plated Punisher truck nuts.