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Jury Duty Longest Stretch of Employment Punk’s Ever Had

SEATTLE — Juror no. 11, local punk David Martin, told fellow jurors that this is his longest single stretch of continuous employment since entering the workforce as the trial enters its third week, sources reported.

“Usually I pick up odd jobs, give blood whenever, or jerk off into a cup whenever I need extra scratch, so I’m not used to working for this long,” Martin noted while drawing anarchy symbols in his juror notebook. “I tried to get out of this by telling the judge I had some shows coming up, but he called my bluff and asked for flyers so I ended up stuck here, but it’s not so bad. I get paid $15 a day just to listen to these two suits jabber about whether this dude killed someone or not. It’s not as entertaining as ‘Law and Order,’ but I just grab a quick nap when things get boring.”

“The only shitty thing is they don’t feed us, but I can grab whatever leftover food is left on the cafeteria tables and am good,” added Martin, grabbing a half-eaten hamburger from an abandoned table.

Friends were surprised by Martin’s enthusiasm for performing what he described as his “civic duty.”

“David’s an ACAB guy, but I guess as long he’s getting paid he doesn’t care,” said a longtime friend who said his name was “none of our fucking business.” “When the trial started, a bunch of us had bets going to see how fast it would be before he got dismissed or thrown in the clink for contempt, but here we are three weeks later and the guy is a model juror. Personally, I think he’s a bootlicker for responding to the summons, but I couldn’t argue with his logic of having somewhere to be out of the elements every day.”

Experts note that Martin’s embrace of jury duty is common among people on the fringes of society.

“For people without anything to do most of the time, jury work can be appealing,” remarked attorney Dan Abrams. “There are dorks who see getting called for jury duty as a source of pride or some bullshit, but for shiftless layabouts like this lowlife, it gives them a paid way to kill time that also allows them to forget how off the rails their lives have become. That, or the sense of control over another person’s fate. That thought can be very alluring and even arousing to some.”

As of press time, Martin found out that his upcoming drunk and disorderly trial was taking place in the same courthouse as his jury case.