There was something undeniably femme in the air that day. A wind that whispered “shhhhhh” into the ears of men on the sidewalk outside the local dive bar. Inside, a woman plays pool. But the environment is different…there are no interruptions. No “maybe hold the stick like this” or “angle it from here” comments. Not even a sexually aggressive “you should bend over more” from a boomer who looks like he has multiple kids that refuse to talk to him. But for the first time, possibly ever in the history of mankind, a woman completed a game of pool in peace.
“This took months of preparation,” said Jamie Binion. “But I’d do it all again in a heartbeat. I’ve never felt so focused. This must be what men feel like when they play; simply unbothered.”
Sinking yet another ball she winks at the empty chairs surrounding her on this gloomy Tuesday morning. Even the timing had to be carefully considered for this event to occur without a hitch.
“I never thought I’d see the day. Even in a place as remote as this, there’s always a man in the corner that needs to solicit his unprovoked opinion” the bartender explained as she re-duct taped the male opponent’s mouth. The empty bar and supportive tender weren’t the only things that contributed to such an event, it also took an ally willing to abide by a few rules.
We had been so wrapped up in the magic happening that the man across from our queen had become an afterthought, of course. What we assume was a smile appeared across his face as he told us about how he ended up being chosen for such a game. “Mmmgrrmmrr” he told us through his freshly duct-taped mouth. “Ggghrrmmhmm,” yet at the same time “hhhmmrgggrrm” he explained. What a sweetie pie!
The game didn’t last very long, and the competition was slim considering the zeroed-in focus that had been created for our feminist icon. Things become a breeze when you aren’t being harassed, it appears. “Suck my dick!” she aptly yelled as she sunk the final 8 ball. As the winner wrapped herself up in outside clothes™ (the layers a woman wears on public transportation so as not to be catcalled constantly) she prepared to face reality again and leave the haven that had been built so carefully. Upon her departure, we heard a whine from the pool table. “Please come back” it whispered as she walked into the sunlight and misogyny.
I don’t care how many kids you have, that’s just funny.
Every parent I know loves this movie for some reason. I don’t get it. Ya’ll just decided to ignore the fact that one of the main characters is a dead kid in a cat’s body? But Georgie getting eaten by Pennywise is “triggering?” I guess having a kid gives you a super weird method for picking and choosing.
Here’s another one that gets a pass for some reason. Frankenstein straight-up murders a little girl and tosses her into a river, yet you’ll always find this movie in the “Family Frights” section of streaming services. Maybe it’s so slow and black & white that parents just fall asleep by that point in the movie?
The only thing moms love more than children living is John Krasinski. The dude could have done a smug look to camera right as the kid got snatched and the movie would still make $340,000,000.
Oh, it’s a BRUTAL child death, and they HATE it, but they see that A24 logo, and their desperation to still feel “hip” and “with it” just barely wins out.
Too much room for interpretation here. “Well, they’re not dead, they’re just in a snow globe!” Yeah, and my grandma isn’t dead, she’s just in a box in the ground.
Breeders can’t handle this one because a child accidentally drowning is “Too real.” What is it about having a baby that makes you forget films need an inciting incident? You can still watch “Bambi,” right? Even though it’s sad when Bambi’s mom gets shot? Well, this is just like that, only in reverse, and then things get worse. Cinema!
Lighten up, it’s not like he knew he was stabbing his wife and son. He thought it was a hunchback! This could happen to anybody.
Just when you thought it was safe to enjoy a classic movie with your friends now that their newborn is finally sleeping through the night, all of a sudden it’s all “Oh my god I forgot the kid dies in this I can’t watch!” You forgot about the Kintner boy? You forgot?! Wow, tell me you’re going to be shitty parents without telling me you’re going to be shitty parents.
“I just can’t see that and not think ‘What if that were my kid,” she said. “If that happens to your kid I hope the monster has better makeup” I replied. Then she kicked me out of her house.
You can’t have a blatant “Jaws” ripoff without a kid being eaten, just as sure as I can’t call my buddy Stew’s wife a drama queen or “bring weird movies over anymore.”
Oh, you won’t watch this but you’ll still call Eric Clapton “The greatest guitarist of all time?” Hypocrite.
All kidding aside I know you love your children more than anything in this world, but if the shit goes down and they turn on you, I pray you’ll have the wherewithal to do the right thing.
I can’t believe my non-childless adult friends were so triggered by this movie, it’s completely unrealistic! Look at how much blood pours down the tunnel slide after the clown eats into that kid’s brain. There wouldn’t really be that much blood, it’s a kid!
The “We love anything with John Krasinski” rule doesn’t apply here, even though this movie has two other actors from “The Office” and fucking Kenneth from “30 Rock.” Give me all the “You don’t understand, you don’t have kids” you want, I remember when they were home-schooled in the pandemic and you prayed for death.
Is the remake better than the original? Of course not, but it’s a fine zombie movie in its own right and it does have one-up on its predecessor—a zombie newborn! And my formerly cool but now child-rearing friends actually yelled “No!” when the lady shot that damned thing. It’s sad, but I think if their kid ever became a zombie they wouldn’t have what it takes to do what needs to be done.
If we live in a world where we can’t all laugh at something as stupid as a kid’s head flying into the air after he’s eaten by a “Dinocroc,” what’s the point of continuing the species?
It’s kind of insane that a movie this bad had the balls to not only break the child death taboo but then double down with a Xenomorph/Predator hybrid loose in a hospital baby ward. You have to laugh at that sort of audacity, which is what made my sister’s reaction, leaving the room to cry and check to make sure her sleeping baby was safe (spoiler, he WAS, duh,) completely unreasonable.
This sequel took a beating from critics and my lame-ass friends with kids alike, but I think it deserves some credit. Any old horror movie can kill a kid, but it takes moxie to show-not-just-tell that the dead kid is in hell, forever, all because her dad who loved her and wanted to protect her made the wrong decision. As people who decided to have a kid when we are clearly in the end times, I really thought my friends would respect such a bold choice.
There’s a lot to not like about this movie, but the kid accidentally shooting himself is an important statement on gun safety and frankly, my parental friends should be thanking me for bringing it to their attention.
