I Don’t Care How Long We’re Trapped in This Supermarket Surrounded by Mist Monsters, I’m Not Listening to Your Band’s New Song

Posted on by Jonah Nink

It’s been days since we were first trapped inside this supermarket by the mist. Anyone who goes outside is doomed to be butchered by horrible alien monsters lurking inside the white haze. Supplies are running low, and people are starting to get paranoid. What I’m saying is no, I don’t want to listen to your band’s new song.

I didn’t want to listen before I saw a man get bisected by a vagina crab monster. What makes you think I want to now?

Shame on me for thinking it’s inappropriate for you to start playing your dumbass indie song after we watched that teenage ginger get dragged into the mist by a giant veiny, alien tentacle. Hot take, I know. Maybe if I had more respect for independent musicians, it wouldn’t have peeled the kid’s skin off like fruit roll-up.

That supply run out to the pharmacy would have gone flawlessly if we hadn’t been ambushed by those giant spiders. And what woke up the spiders? Was it the guy who started talking out loud about which reverb effects he used on his vocals? Or maybe the guy who put earbuds on the corpse stuck to the wall, which was obviously filled with baby spider monsters, to “make sure he can hear the cool bass riff in the interlude.” Wait, that was you! You did both of those things!

They say the mist monster rampage was the result of government boogeymen tampering with eldritch powers beyond their understanding. Not unlike how you’re tampering with these hands if I see you pull out fucking SoundCloud again.

Why were you in the supermarket to begin with? Oh, right. You work here.

Somehow, it’s the people inside who are scarier than the monsters outside. Take away only a few modern comforts and society collapses, good people go insane. You’ve said “big things coming” enough times now that everyone in the store believes you’re a prophet and are starting to form a cult around you. I bet it’s nice to have more than three followers for once.

I’ve had enough. I’m making a run for it with my son and these old people. I’m fully aware that the military is about an hour away from saving us, but I’m still going to kill them and myself because your new single sucks that much donkey dick.

Fugazi Cancels Highly Anticipated Reunion Tour Due to High Ticket Sales

Posted on by Bob Kerr

WASHINGTON — Legendary post-hardcore band Fugazi announced they would be canceling their reunion tour because interest in the shows has been too high, confirmed sources who wouldn’t have bought tickets in the first place if they thought it would offend them.

“We didn’t want this sort of acclaim when we formed this band,” said frontman Ian MacKaye. “Fugazi was never about selling out. And that includes tickets to our shows. We love our fans, but I didn’t get into this business to make money. It’s not our brand, and I hate the fact I just used the word ‘brand’ unironically. So when our manager told us that we were practically selling out every show, I pulled the plug. No fucking way am I going to make a profit from my art. That’s why our music is available on Spotify. We make almost nothing from those streams.”

Although the news left fans disheartened, some choose to look on the bright side.

“I was stoked to see the show and even had my ‘This is not a Fugazi t-shirt’ ready to go,” said hardcore fan Morley Tompkins. “But it’s a good call on their part. After all, what’s a Fugazi show if you can’t freely move your arms around without hitting someone. And waiting in line to use the bathroom? No Fugazi fan would stand for that. Personally, I think the band should have charged more for tickets to keep out the posers. I would have happily paid $7 to see them reunite. But then again, it wouldn’t be a Fugazi show if I paid more than five bucks to get in. So it’s virtually impossible to make it work.”

Small venue owners around the country felt like they were shafted by the band’s last-minute cancellation.

“It’s a damn shame when a semi-iconic band cancels shows,” said Grady Studebakker, owner of the Yuckies venue. “Like, it was going to be the largest group of people we would have had in here! My one bartender even made up a drink for the band called the ‘Fruit-Gassy.’ I mean, it’s just carbonated fruit punch, but it would have gone gangbusters with the straight edge crowd. Turns out, Fugazi is against any kind of merch, so that drink was one of the reasons they cancelled on us. It was merch-adjacent, I guess. That bartender was immediately fired.”

At press time, Eventbrite refunded all of the tickets, totaling $430.

Top 30 Goth Songs to Put on Your Halloween Playlist to Make It Look Like You Hang Out at Cemeteries

Posted on by Bobby Korec

At last, the Halloween season is upon us. People are firing up their Ouija boards, black cat adoptions are at their seasonal peak, and pretending to be goth while hanging out at cemeteries has briefly taken hold of human civilization.

But does your Halloween playlist reflect your desire to look like you spend time sitting upright against a stranger’s tombstone while reading Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley’s “Frankenstein” and wearing fishnets? If not, be sure to check out the top 30 goth songs to put on your spooky playlist to make your friends think your third place is a crypt. (Listen to the playlist, click here)

30. Suspiria “Allegedly, Dancefloor Tragedy” (1998)

If you’re not naming your band after a famous 1977 Italian supernatural horror movie directed by Dario Argento that was later remade in 2018 where Tilda Swinson plays a 75-year-old man and one of the actresses is literally named Mia Goth, can you even claim to sleep in an unused grave on the first and third Thursday of the month?

29. The Danse Society “Heaven Is Waiting” (1984)

Don’t be fooled by the “heaven” part, this song is best experienced while you are still alive, albeit while daydreaming about what death must be like. Maybe not the heaven part of post-life, but purgatory sounds dope. At least you get to be a ghost and haunt a house. That’s goth as hell.

28. Specimen “Kiss Kiss Bang Bang” (1997)

Specimen was highly influential in goth culture. Adding them to your Halloween playlist will make people think you know how to get to the secret cemetery where they have the best headstones and the kinds of crows that perch on loose skulls for decorative effect.

27. She Past Away “Durdu Dünya” (2019)

A lot of what is considered modern goth is more on the darkwave and cold wave spectrum, despite often using macabre imagery. But hey, we’re not here to gatekeep. We’re here to use all of these genres to our anthropologic advantage and strictly score social points during the Halloween season.

26. Red Lorry Yellow Lorry “Head on Fire” (1979)

The Lorries often denied their inclusion in the goth genre. But if that was the case, why is the local graveyard always playing “Head on Fire” over their PA? And why does a cemetery have a sound system to begin with? Some things just fit.

25. Bat Nouveau “Funeral Eyes” (2015)

Gothy band name? Check. Gothy song title? Hell yes. Capable of tricking the guests at your party that you frequently Google “cemeteries near me” on a gloomy Sunday afternoon? Without a doubt.

24. Mephisto Walz “Dear Familiar Phantoms” (1994)

In the future, we’re all going to be composting dead bodies, which will make cemeteries obsolete. In that case, listen to Mephisto Walz and spend all your free time at the gravesite of your choosing while you still can. Or at least pretend to.

23. Paralysed Age “Bloodsucker” (2009)

There’s just something about the sound of the drums and the overall spooked-up feel of this track that makes you want to dig up a corpse just to see if they decompose the way you pictured them to. Damn it, goth bands. Stop compelling us to unearth dead bodies on our day off.

22. Killing Joke “Love Like Blood” (1985)

If you’re going to write goth music you have to have badass song titles such as “Love Like Blood.” Sure, on the surface it doesn’t mean anything, but neither does “All I Want For Christmas Is You” and that one doesn’t even make sense in a graveyard.

21. Light Asylum “Dark Allies” (2011)

The opening of this track is actually perfect as your alarm sound for when you want to fantasize about waking up early in the unused tomb you slept in last night. Even goths have to go to work in the morning.

20. Corpus Delicti “Twilight” (1993)

If this song doesn’t inspire you to hang out at a mausoleum, it will surely make you want to socialize with your other goth friends at the food court at your local mall and talk about Corpus Delicti. Mall goths gradually blossom into graveyard goths. Gothdom is never just a phase.

19. She Wants Revenge “Tear You Apart” (2005)

You might remember this band if you were sentient in the 2000s. You might actually remember this track forever if you’re ever turned into a vampire, which would be sweet because you would be condemned to listen to goth music for eternity. Hell yeah.

18. Christian Death “Burnt Offerings” (1982)

As the official theme song for bats, you can’t get much more cemetery-friendly than Christian Death. The Jane Goodall of bats actually uses this song to attract them so she can study their goth-like qualities.

17. London After Midnight “Spider and the Fly” (2005)

Pretending to hang out at graveyards is what the Halloween season is all about. It’s also about putting bands like London After Midnight on your Halloween playlist to impress that one guy dressed up as Edward Scissorhands at your costume party.

16. The March Violets “Snake Dance” (1993)

For a genre that’s all about giving you the creeps, many of the songs are quite dancey. You could easily host a dance party at your local necropolis and no one would bat an eye. Except for the normies, but they’re going to do that anyway.

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Every Deicide Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on by Steve Packosky

In a way, we’re thankful to whoever tried to ram Christianity down Glen Benton’s throat during his childhood, as the end result was a chip on his shoulder the size of the Rock of Gibraltar, leaving the rest of us with some of the sickest death metal to have ever existed. That dude hates God. While we at The Hard Times are obligated to feel the same way about our Lord and Savior, we can hardly see ourselves turning that hatred into the 13 studio albums of pure, visceral abhorrence that Benton has blessed us with (lol.) So put on your boots and leather jacket and find a slightly less conspicuous place on your body on which to brand an upside-down crucifix (chances are you work in IT along with 70% of death metal fans and your boss wouldn’t like it,) and get ready to rank the Deicide albums from least to most-blasphemous. Let’s go!

13. In Torment in Hell (2001)

The first thing we noticed on listening to “In Torment in Hell” was how grimy the production sounds, and not in a good way. Overall, the songs kind of feel rushed and slapped together, which doesn’t mean the album’s a complete loss. The title track has some catchy riffs, and the vocal phrasing on “Child of God” would make Beelzebub himself buzz with joy. Give this one a listen only after you’ve visited their others and graduate into a seasoned Deicide fan. Until then, consider yourself still fashioned in the image of God. You fucking poser.

Play it again: “Lurking Among Us”
Skip it: “Imminent Doom”

12. Till Death Do Us Part (2008)

This one is largely reviled among Deicide fans, which is a shame considering how fucking evil the album art is. It’s not unlistenable by any stretch of the imagination, but it definitely won’t stick with you the way most of their other works will. On the whole, it’s just not as catchy as their other releases, and gets kind of plodding at times. Toss it on when doing your homework, as it’ll provide some good background noise but won’t be so sick that it distracts you from your differential equations.

Play it again: “In the Eyes of God”
Skip it: “Worthless Misery”

11. Insineratehymn (2000)

Can we immediately pan an album based on our reaction to its punny title alone? Trust us, we really, really want to with this one, but unfortunately, it’s actually pretty fun to listen to (for the most part.) It’s got kind of an emphasis on grooves, which sometimes works (“Suffer Again”) and sometimes doesn’t (“Halls of Worship.”) Much like “Till Death Do Us Part,” it feels kind of plodding at times, but there are still enough catchy riffs and Christ-hammering vocals to keep the diehards happy. Toss it on in the car while driving Grandma to church to make her reevaluate the last 80 years of her life.

Play it Again: “Worst Enemy”
Skip it: “The Gift That Keeps on Giving”

10. Banished by Sin (2024)

The latest album by the fearsome God-haters is pretty standard fare. We enjoyed it, but there weren’t a whole lot of standout moments here. The production is pretty good, with the exception of the vocals being a little high in the mix. Some of the trem-picked riffs hearken back to the far-superior “The Stench of Redemption” (more to come on that,) but the hooks and earworms that draw so many to Deicide are few and far between on “Banished by Sin.” You can definitely have a good time with this release, but you’re probably going to have a better time with most of their others. Also, that album cover gets a thumbs down on both quality and basic human decency.

Play again: “Sever the Tongue”
Skip it: “Woke from God” (we read the lyrics so you don’t have to…ugh)

9. Overtures of Blasphemy (2018)

Now that is an album cover! We have no clue what’s going on here, but we’d love to park our hefty asses on one of those oversized fingers and knock out some articles for you freaks. Speaking of heft, “Overtures of Blasphemy” feels large and weighty from the get-go, with that heavy-ass riff playing under Benton growling “cauterize the blood of Christ!” Really doesn’t get much more evil than that. This is twelve songs of straightforward Deicide, with not much worth complaining about. Invite your neighbors over and toss this on at the barbeque. It should spark some interesting conversation.

Play it again: “Flesh, Power, Dominion”
Skip it: “Compliments of Christ” (come on now, we’re not here to compliment the guy)

8. In the Minds of Evil (2013)

“In the Minds of Evil” sounds fantastic. These songs are fast, catchy, evil as fuck, and overall just very fun to listen to. Steve Asheim keeps up the vicious pummeling on the skins that death metalheads are rabid for, and former Cannibal Corpse shredder Jack Owen turns in a fantastic performance in his unfortunate swansong with the band. Just listen to “Beyond Salvation” and try not to bang your fucking head off. Jesus Christ hears this and shakes his fist in impotent rage. Keep up the good work, Glen.

Play it again: “Kill the Light of Christ”
Skip it: “Misery of One”

7. Scars of the Crucifix (2004)

The last album with the founding Hoffman brothers is a beast, and we mean that both figuratively and in the Book of Revelation sense. We’ve got heavy-as-fuck drumming, killer guitar solos, unbelievably evil layered high and low vocals, and even warring motorcycle gangs in the absolutely befuddling music video for the title track. What more can death metal fans (primarily those living in Florida) ask for? “Enchanted Nightmare” in particular is an excellent example of all of these (sans the Harley-riding bad boys, unfortunately.) So rev up your hog and give this one a listen; just do us all a favor and leave the Blue Lives Matter sticker at home.

Play it again: “The Pentecostal”
Skip it: “Fuck Your God” (that one was on the CIA’s infamous “Torture Playlist,” so we think it’s been played enough)

6. The Stench of Redemption (2007)

Hell yeah! We’re sad to see the Hoffman brothers go, but Jack Owen and the late, great Ralph Santolla breathe some new life into the band with “The Stench of Redemption,” and the end result was pretty cool. Santolla’s solos in particular give these tunes a bit of a medieval, Andy LaRocque quality that fits much better than one would expect. Just watch the music video for “Homage for Satan” if you want to see some zombies fuck up a priest to a guitar solo that sounds befitting of a traveling bard. Play this one for your “I listen to everything but country and rap” friends to test the limits of their claim.

Play it again: “Desecration”
Skip it: “Never to Be Seen Again”

5. Serpents of the Light (1997)

Whaaaa….? One of the first four Deicide albums is not in the top four? Hear us out. “Serpents of the Light” is a fantastic album from top to bottom, and the only death metal album we can think of that has the term “holy shit” in its lyrics. This is a groove-laden collection of headbang-worthy blasphemy, and it’s not difficult to see why so many fans top their lists with it. We love it, but we just feel it’s outshined by the four albums below. If that infuriates you, feel free to call us posers in the comments. Just don’t call us Christians, as that would be crossing a line.

Play again: “Blame It on God”
Skip it: “Creatures of Habit”

4. To Hell with God (2011)

2011’s “To Hell with God” proved that Deicide was coming into the 2010’s swinging, and showed itself to be their most pummeling release of the new millennium. Crushing, evil, and catchy (godDAMN that title track will get stuck in your head,) in such a way that we were able to overlook the appalling pun in “Save Your,” this one goes hard from start to finish. It even has a cooler version of that childhood prayer from “Enter Sandman” in “Servant of the Enemy.” Also, bonus points for the music video for “Conviction,” which is like “James and the Giant Peach” if it had been about beating the shit out of Jesus. We’d probably remember that movie a lot better if that was the case.

Play it again: “Hang in Agony Until You’re Dead”
Skip it: The album cover. It goes for “hellish Sermon on the Mount,” but we ended up with “PC first-person-shooter game cover from the ’90s”

3. Self-Titled (1990)

No skippable tracks from here on out, folks. This is one of the hardest death metal debuts in history, and WOW, does it rip. Play “Sacrificial Suicide” for anyone who doesn’t listen to death metal, and they’ll run cowering in fear. Benton relies primarily on high vocals here, and the rapid fire of his growls hearkens back to Tom Araya on “Reign in Blood.” The Slayer influence isn’t just restricted to the vocals, as you can detect Kerry King’s residual stank all over that opening solo to “Dead by Dawn.” This is a must-have for anyone who’s even casually interested in death metal, and if you don’t have it, you might as well apply for seminary school.

Play it again: “Blasphereraion”
Skip it: the opening clip of “Carnage in the Temple of the Damned.” We’d rather remember Powers Boothe from his role in “Sudden Death.”

2. Legion (1992)

Fast, ludicrously technical and (have you sensed a pattern yet?) unspeakably blasphemous, 1992’s “Legion” is a death metal staple. You very well may consider it your number one, and we can’t argue with that. From the bleating of goats in the first track to the heart-attack inducing vocals closing out “Revocate the Agitator,” this one does not let up, and it’s a wonder they were able to play any of these songs live, let alone the whole album in its entirety during their 2022 tour. Just listen to Steve Asheim’s drumming on “Behead the Prophet (No Lord Shall Live).” Are his feet fucking serious? We had more to say about this album, but we’re just going to sit here and shake our heads in disbelief for the next few minutes.

Play it again: Yep
Skip it: Satan’s actual voice cameo in “Trifixion,” but only if you scare easily.

1. Once Upon the Cross (1995)

“Once Upon the Cross” slowed things down just a hair from their previous two releases and substituted the speed for a focus on catchy hooks, and it sure as shit was a success. It might not be quite the exemplar of technicality of its predecessors (though it’s still quite impressive,) but “Once Upon the Cross” is a shining beacon of songwriting perfection in death metal, and it proved that the genre can be catchy while still terrifyingly evil. Just listen to Benton growl the song title in “Behind the Light Thou Shall Rise” and try not to swear your allegiance to the Dark Lord. Yeah, that’s what we thought. We’ll see you at the next Black Mass.

Play it again: All of it, including the several cameos by Willem Dafoe
Skip it: Only if you want to get into Heaven.

Biden Sends Netanyahu Birthday Card With $5 Bill, Additional $1 Billion Arms Shipment

Posted on by Bill Conway

WASHINGTON — President Biden sent his longtime friend Benjamin Netanyahu a thoughtful handwritten birthday card with a crisp $5 fresh off the mint, as well as another billion dollars in weapons to continue Israel’s assault on multiple civilian populations, sources confirmed.

“I love the birthday cards I get from politicians around the world, but it really warms my heart whenever American lawmakers take the time to send me well wishes,” said Israel’s Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. “Democrats or Republicans, it doesn’t matter I love them all. And I keep a list of everyone who doesn’t reach out and I’ll ensure they are voted out of office soon. Joe’s latest card was really touching. He said he loved me at least a dozen times, male friendships are tough to maintain as you get older and I hope we stay in touch when he leaves office I really do. I’m going to miss having him around. He’s always been so quick to send me all the weapons we need and he always steps in to make sure other countries don’t sanction us for ‘war crimes.’”

President Biden says he spent hours crafting the perfect card.

“Listen Jack, I love arts and crafts. Since I was a boy, a small little boy in a working-class family in Scranton, Pennsylvania I’ve made every birthday card I ever sent by hand. Sometimes I’ll paint some raw macaroni and glue it to card stock, other times I write a nice little poem, but for Bibi I went all out,” said the lame duck President. “This card was a hand-drawn timeline of our friendship. I remember the first time I helped send him missiles back in 1996. Since then I’ve helped authorize hundreds of arms shipments to him. Literally billions in American taxpayer money sent to my close personal friend, I only wish I could send him more. That’s why I sent him the extra $5.”

Political analyst Kimora Phillips was not surprised by Biden’s generosity.

“Every American politician for the past 60 years has had to pledge their undying loyalty to Israel. Netanyahu knows this and takes full advantage of it. I know Senator John Fetterman sent the Prime Minister a few pairs of his favorite sweatpants and a few Steelers Terrible Towels,” said Phillips. “President Trump sent Netanyahu a few boxes of Trump-branded steaks, water, and alcohol which apparently made the Prime Minister very sick. Some people thought it was an assassination attempt at first, but then realized that’s what happens to anyone dumb enough to consume a Trump product.”

At press time, Trump and Harris set aside their difference to send Netanyahu a joint video where they both expressed their love for the genocidal leader.

As the Only Goth Mom on This PTA Board I Should Be Able To Run the Blood Drive However I Want

Posted on by Laura Lewis

First, let me just say that there’s a legally compliant way to run a blood drive for elementary school students (boring!), and then there’s the right way to run a blood drive for elementary school students. For those of you who think we’ve done it the wrong way—just because we got hit with a few tiny fines and a pending lawsuit, I can assure you there is still no one on this board more qualified than me for the job.

Sure, we got off to a less-than-ideal start when students and parents alike complained that the flyers were illegible. They weren’t able to decipher “where the event was held” or “how to participate” or “what time is it even” but they were thinking too small. The important thing was that the font on the flyers exactly matched that of the art nouveau version of the original 1922 Nosferatu movie poster. If this community can’t appreciate basic allusion, that’s on them.

And yeah, I already apologized for blowing the budget on dry ice and coffins, okay? That one’s on me. But, frankly, inflation should have been factored into the budget in the first place. No one listened when I said dry ice prices were on the rise, and that it costs an average of 20% more per month to fill my house with it. Then somehow it’s a surprise when it took $400 worth to properly outfit the gymnasium.

Plus, those coffins were real. I’ll have you know that I covered the shipping costs myself. Anyone else here wanna guess how much time and money it takes to ship a half-dozen exhumed coffins to the Richmond suburbs via a creaky ship from Romania? A lot.

Also, like, on whose authority did those EMTs report us to the state for collecting the blood in engraved silver carafes and 18-century leech vials? They hold way more than those little plastic bags. I was doing them a favor. Just because one child dropped their vial, got lost in the dry ice fog, slipped on the blood, and landed in a coffin where no one could see or him for 2 hours (or hear his screams over the sound of Goodbye Horses playing on a loop), doesn’t mean it was an inherently bad idea.

Anyway, all that aside, I motion that I should be able to retain my event organizer title. I’m willing to fall on my sword here (technically, it’s Elizabeth Bathory’s ceremonial dagger, but it’ll do just as well) and assume responsibility for this whole thing. And I promise next month’s Headless Turkey Trot Corn Maze will go a lot smoother.

Local Dad Unknowingly Performs Greatest Drum Solo of All Time on Belly of Labrador Retriever

Posted on by Livy Berry

MILWAUKEE — Local suburban father Dave Johnson made history after inadvertently performing the greatest rock and roll drum solo of all time on the willing belly of his best friend and dog Teddy Johnson, confirmed extremely impressed sources.

“Yeah, Teddy loves when I smack his gut to a steady beat and call him the ‘goodest boy in the whole wide world,’ he just goes nuts for it,” Johnson claimed. “Sometimes he lays down for me, and I just go to town on that K9 abdomen. Normally, I’ve got something going in my head like some Zeppelin ‘Moby Dick’ but today I was just rockin’ my own thing. I might be nuts, but I think I made a pretty solid beat. Some have even called me the Neil Peart of pet stomach drumming, which is a title I do not take lightly.”

Ralph Matthews, a neighboring dad, happened to catch this historic event while he was grilling some steaks.

“I was just flipping some excellent hunks of cowboy meat, when I heard Dave start going in on Teddy’s belly,” said Matthews. “At first I thought he was busting out some classic Sabbath, but then something happened. It was so breathtaking, I had to stop grilling for several minutes just to listen. The talent, the technique, you just had to be there! About three minutes in, I said to myself, ‘Ralph, you gotta get a video of this!’ And I guess I was right to, because everybody I sent it to was blown away! It even went viral on my Facebook with 37 total likes.”

Immediately upon hearing Johnson’s recording, Mark Wallace, director of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, recognized the significance of the situation.

“We have already begun construction on a sculpture commemorating this incredible moment!” said Wallace, who has been directing the hall of fame for the last 10 years. “I have been in this business for a very long time, and I’ve never seen anything quite like this. Dave and Teddy Johnson’s names are gonna be right up there with John Bonham and Animal from ‘The Muppets,’ if not higher. The sculpture is projected to be finished by the end of the year. It’ll go right next to our statue of the teenager who performed a stunning drum solo on this classroom desk in 1997.”

At press time, Johnson was not nearly as impressive after awkwardly attempting a follow-up performance on his reluctant cat’s belly.

Six Songs We’re Listening To This Week That Aren’t Election Ads

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

Do you live in a swing state and wish you were dead from the relentless election ads? Skip all that shit (after filling out your mail-in ballot, of course) and listen to these to preserve the tenuous threads of your sanity.

High Vis “Worth the Wait”

English rockers High Vis dropped their third LP “Guided Tour” last weekend and we won’t lie, it’s been on repeat. “Worth the Wait” delivers a distinctly retro sound reminiscent of The Cure that is ideal for listening to on your lunch break while having a reward cigarette, perhaps in the rain for Maximum English. Show this one to your teen cousin who recently discovered Gang of Four. 

 

Blood Incantation “The Stargate [Tablet I]”

We admit it: sometimes we lie awake at night and wish that Rush was way, way heavier and not for nerds. And finally, our prayers have been answered by Blood Incantation’s truly insane new album “Absolute Elsewhere.” This 8-minute opening track covers the full range of the group’s self-described “psychedelic take on death metal,” featuring Deicide-style growls and double bass pedal one minute and 60s organ and a keytar solo the next. Your dad would love at least half of this. 

 

Anxious “Counting Sheep”

Connecticut-based emo outfit Anxious is due to drop their second full-length this winter, and if the lead single “Counting Sheep” is any indication of the quality, we are really looking forward to it. It’s hard to put a unique spin on a genre that’s been argued about and meme’d upon for decades, but Anxious pulls it off with a mix of All Time Low synths, Taking Back Sunday singing, and a cheeky little gang vocal hook that we can’t get out of our skull. We highly recommend this one for your 2000’s-themed house party with a 9:30 p.m. curfew. 

 

Fucked Up “Stimming”

Genuine question–does this count as folk punk, and if so, is this the song that finally makes us “get” it? “Stimming” opens with an ungodly good guitar hook and quickly turns from jazzy-quirky to something almost like Murder By Death meets Fleet Foxes, except the guy from Baroness is on the mic. It’s hard to describe what exactly about this sonically massive song makes it so intensely listenable, but it’s got us in its grasp for certain.

 

Scowl “Special”

Santa Cruz punk crew Scowl consistently releases banger after banger, and “Special” is no exception. Singer Kat Moss expertly delivers both disaffected yet crystal clear clean vocals and absolutely brutal screams over a deeply catchy backdrop that keeps you in the groove, but throws a few surprises your way as well. This one has us asking: “Turnstile who?”

 

Flagman “Hot Off the Log”

We here at The Hard Times have vowed to improve our writing by comparing bands to other bands less frequently. Today is not that day, because we need to introduce you to Flagman, the unholy lovechild of Primus, System of a Down, and Methwitch. Their album “Tastes Incredible,” featuring the fucking shredder “Hot Off the Log,” also has weird little Khruangbin interludes and a general Zappa-ness about it. What the fuck is this? Why is it so good? Why can’t we stop talking about it? Can someone help?

Behold: hours and hours of music to keep you distracted.

Back to School Night and 10 Other Events I Shouldn’t’ve Pregamed but Kinda Glad I Did

Posted on by John Adkins

Should we really let “society” determine when it is and is not appropriate to get a nice buzz on? The answer is categorically yes, if there were no guardrails on my consumption I would have been dead years ago, but I do bend the rules from time to time, and aside from when I didn’t have a license for 6 months, Daddy likey the results! Here’s a list of my top ten… let’s not say problematic… UNCONVENTIONAL alcoholic exploits that I have gotta say really worked out for me.

“My End-of-Year” Reviews at Work
SO WHAT if I channeled my inner Don Draper by slurpin’ some scotch before my performance reviews? I’m a classy fella! And goddammit, I think I performed WONDERFULLY this year. But yes I was fired. Which, funnily enough, was not on the table until my performance review…

“That Marathon I Got Peer Pressured Into Running”
Hey, I know my limits, and I CANNOT run a marathon. So like any responsible adult, I knocked back a couple of cold ones, sprinted the first mile (I felt invincible), puked, passed out, drank some gatorade. rallied, and made it to the bar by 2 pm. Did not come close to finishing the race.

“Therapy”
Look, therapy is all about opening up and being vulnerable. Coincidentally, that’s what alcohol does. But according to respectable society, “never the two shall meet…” until now, motherfuckers.

“My Court Date”
Ok, so I’m not legally allowed to discuss what I did, but all I’ll say is that I had the liquid courage to deliver the defense of the CENTURY. And yes, I did represent myself. Still waiting for the jury to deliver their… oh what? I’m super guilty? Well that makes sense…

“Open Climb” at My Friend’s Gym”
We all have that one friend who moved to a city without any hobbies and naturally fell into rock climbing. And it’s only a matter of time before that friend invites you to an “open climb” where you can watch them pretend to be a badass for 45 minutes. My advice to you? Rip a 40 on the train there.

“Pottery Class”
Naturally, wheel-throwing with midwestern moms and a homeschooler named Phoenix trying to fulfill his art credit calls for a vino vibe. So let’s get that Josh flowin’ ladies! Plus, Phoenix needs some driving hours for his learner’s permit, so he can be our D.D.!

“My TED Talk on Bees”
They say to trust your training, and my training involved hitting a dive bar on the way to my own Ted talk. So yeah. It might be the least coherent ted talk ever, but it’s also the MOST viewed. And THAT’S good television. What’s up? It’s not on TV? dammit. Sorry bees.

“Chaperoning My Kid’s Field Trip to the Zoo”
There are indisputable truths in life, and one of them is that uncrustables taste wayyyy better after you’ve ripped a 40 right before snacktime on a fourth-grade field trip to the zoo. Sure, I might’ve screamed at the Giraffes for giving me body issues (they’re so tall and skinny) but at least the booze buzz made my son’s friend KYLE wayyyy more tolerable. Cuz lemme tell ya, that kid sucks. like a LOT.

“That Flashmob that Also Doubled As My Brother’s Proposal”
Before you accuse me “not studying the choreography at all,” and “hip-checking that old lady down a flight of concrete stairs,” I just wanna say that my moves ROCKED. I mean, have you ever seen someone down an entire margarita tower and then completely ruin a proposal? Seriously, have you? My brother’s not speaking to me and I’m embarrassed… I need help…

“My Friend Jerry’s Improv 101 Graduation”
Sure, everyone gets a lil’ tipsy at comedy shows. But only real pros know that clubs DON’T sell booze at 9:30 in the fucking morning, which, as you might’ve guessed, is when they host IMPROV 101 GRADUATION. So naturally, I had to take matters into my own hands and toast my friend Jerry with a bottle of warm champagne that I chugged by myself in the uber to the venue. And lemme tell ya, Jerry was SO funny. I think. Actually, I don’t really remember the show.

White Friend That Went to Mexico for Three Days Suddenly Pronouncing “Taco” Differently

Posted on by Bill Conway

TAUNTON, Mass. — Local man Patrick Kelly surprised friends and family with his supposed “authentic” pronunciation of common Mexican foods after a week-long vacation in Cancún, annoyed sources confirmed.

“It’s really nice to get away and be immersed in another culture. I feel like a new hombre. The people I met, the food, it was a life-changing experience,” said Kelly, who spent the entire week inside the grounds of Temptation Cancun Resort. “I had this waiter I’ll never forget, I think his name was Raul, or maybe it was Juan, I’m not really sure. But he challenged me to expand my tastebuds. Instead of opting for mild salsa with my nachos, I went with hot, and it was tough at first. My mouth felt like it was on fire, but it made me feel like an Aztec warrior with every bite. If I can handle Mexican spice I can handle anything.”

Friends of Kelly say he has been even more insufferable since he returned from his trip.

“I suggested we go to Taco Bell for dinner one night and he told me it’s actually pronounced like ‘tee-ya-co’ and told me that’s fake Mexican food and suggested I try something authentic like Chiptole,” said former roommate Danny Sullivan. “The worst part is he tried ordering in Spanish. The girl behind the counter didn’t know what he was trying to say, and he kept trying to roll his Rs but he would just end up spitting all over the glass. He eventually gave up and just pointed at the beans he wanted, which he kept calling ‘free-jolls’ by the way.”

Nithya Choudhury, a linguist and dialect coach, says it’s not uncommon for people to pick up certain phrases after a vacation.

“We’ve all had that friend who did a semester abroad in England and came home and started calling elevators a ‘lift’ or using the word ‘cunt’ all the time,” said Choudhury. “These people are often the dumbest people in your friend group. They are the people who haven’t read a book since they were forced to for summer reading in middle school, and this is the only way they can attempt to appear smart. Yes, it never works, and often it makes them look dumber. But try not to laugh at them. Just nod, and if they correct your pronunciation just say ‘thank you’ and move on. They need this.”

At press time, Kelly was seen yelling ‘“Go home!” at a group of day laborers outside of a nearby Home Depot.

Photo by Derek Horstmeyer.