Report: Sting Almost Done Having Sex Begun in 1994

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

LOS ANGELES — Legendary rock musician Sting has finally neared climax in a round of sexual intercourse that originally began in 1994, according to sources close to the coitus.

“Sting has been having the same round of intercourse for decades now,” said Carter Shah, Sting’s official biographer and sex timeline monitor. “While many fans became aware of the singer’s propensity for tantric lovemaking through his drunken 1993 interview with scarf-wearer Bob Gelfod, few know that he has actually been in constant lovemaking for years. That includes during the recording of hits like ‘Desert Rose,’ his 2007 reunion tour with The Police, and just off-camera in his supporting role in ‘Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels.’”

“However, according to the feverish grunts I hear,” Shah added, listening through a water glass pressed against the wall of Sting’s bedroom. “It sounds like he’s about to cum.”

Sting’s wife Trudie Styler confirmed via text message that their 1990s-era sex was close to conclusion.

“When Gordon and I first got together,” Styler’s texts read. “I thought that he was exaggerating about his ability to prolong sex and, as he put it to Geldof, ‘take you to higher levels, where you don’t spill your seed.’ That was kind of weird, but I went along with it anyway and now I know that, if anything, he was underplaying it. In theory, this is pleasurable, but I also have missed everything from Y2K to that season of ‘American Crime Story’ where Cuba Gooding Jr. plays OJ, which has been a bit of a letdown.”

Sting himself also sent a somewhat garbled email to indicate that the idea of 30-year sex might actually be better in theory than practice.

“I’m a hugely busy guy,” read Sting’s email, apparently composed while nearing ejaculation. “I’ve got acting roles, music to record, more philanthropic efforts than you can possibly imagine. For years, I’ve sent stand-ins for every public appearance that I could while I’ve been plowing me wife, but still, I can’t do that all the time. You have no idea how awkward it is to make eye contact with Shaggy while simultaneously recording a collaborative reggae album and achieving heights of erotic pleasure that few humans have ever known. It’s weird, mate.”

As of press time, Sting’s orgasm was reportedly delayed by four more months after he accidentally thought about the time he saw Eric Clapton naked at Live Aid.

Netanyahu Presents Trump With Blown Up Body of Palestinian Two-Year-Old as Thank You for Continued US Support

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

WASHINGTON — Israel’s Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu visited President Trump at the White House today and gifted him the remains of an infant killed by American bombs in Gaza, multiple sources confirmed.

“America is the best friend Israel could ever ask for. To show my appreciation I brought him a fruit basket with Israel’s most delicious offerings, and an unidentified corpse of a future Hamas terrorist that we were able to eradicate because the American taxpayers have been so generous to our cause,” said Netanyahu while trying to wash the blood from his hands. “Traditionally, we would have just thrown this body in an unmarked mass grave, but I wanted President Trump to see that his support is not going to waste. Hopefully I’ll be able to bring him more exploded children next time, there are certainly plenty of them to choose from.”

President Trump spoke about his fondness for the gift and the relationship with Israel going forward.

“This is really great stuff. I love seeing just how powerful American bombs are, I opened up that bag and you can’t even tell it was a kid. I hope we can start using some of these bombs on the border and in these cities run by radical leftist lunatics. If we want to make America great again we have to blow a few people up, there is no way around it,” said Trump. “Prime Minister Netanyahu is also going to lend us a few members of his military to train our brave ICE agents on the best way to subdue a population. It’s going to be beautiful, then we are going to have illegal immigrants fighting on the White House lawn to the death and the winner gets a green card. Doesn’t that sound like fun?”

Democratic leader Chuck Schumer pushed back against the Netanyahu visit.

“It’s a disgusting display that Prime Minister Netanyahu didn’t bring more dead children as a sign of appreciation for all the Democrats who have supported him over the past two years. Democrats have stood firmly by his side, we want to see those dead children ourselves. We didn’t sign those bombs because we like the look of our signatures,” said Schumer. “I just hope he sees the error of his ways, but I would also like to apologize to anyone at AIPAC for speaking out of turn. Please don’t turn off my money, I’m just frustrated, we can work through this.”

At press time, Netanyahu turned on a live feed of a Gaza aid site and let President Trump yell the ceremonial “Open fire” to Israeli troops with their guns trained on starving Palestinians.

Man Wears MAGA Hat to Airport to Let Flight Crew Know He’ll Be an Issue

Posted on by Charles Bill

SAN ANTONIO, Texas — Local right-wing conservative Tom Rospin wore a MAGA hat to the airport to let the flight crew know in advance that he would be an issue, confirmed sources who avoided eye contact with him at all costs.

“I love triggering libs who are just trying to make a connecting flight to San Diego,” said Rospin, whose Facebook profile pic is him in a truck wearing sunglasses. “I know I’m going to be a constant pain in the ass to the flight attendants, so I wear this hat so they can prepare for it. It’s a little consideration I take to let everyone know that I will be taking anything that doesn’t go my way like a toddler and loudly complaining about it. That’s the American way, as our president has demonstrated. I guess JetBlue just isn’t ready for a patriot like me.”

The Trump voter’s precautionary headwear proved to be a useful tool in identifying a problem passenger.

“I saw the hat and knew the guy would be a real jackass, and lo and behold, he absolutely was,” explained a visibly beleaguered flight attendant Sandra James. “He was asking for a drink before we even left the gate. I explained that we couldn’t serve anything until we were in flight, and he grumbled and sulked for a while. He loudly talked on his phone to someone about how people weren’t ‘respecting’ him, and how things used to be different. Fortunately we were prepared for this thanks to the hat and were able to drug his fourth Bud Light. He ended up sleeping and murmuring racial slurs.”

The FAA has praised Rospin for his willingness to self-identify as a massive prick.

“The real danger is assholes who are not clearly marking themselves,” relayed Chris Rocheleau, acting administrator of the FAA. “For every MAGA hat wearer making themselves known as dickheads, we have ten undercover monsters who will repeatedly use the call button to berate stewardesses. I am proposing that everyone who has ever written a Yelp review be put into a special database of trouble-makers. This would give our flight crews ample time to prepare to be abused.”

At press time, Rospin saw someone wearing a Che Guevara shirt and was preparing himself to cause a scene.

5 Great Podcast Ideas for Senators Who Just Don’t Feel Like Doing Their Jobs

Posted on by Steve Packosky

UGH, constituents, am I right? Constantly asking you to do things like legislate on their behalf and act in their best interest. Don’t they get that you just want to spend your time chilling and having conversations with your friends?

Your time is your own. Just because you’re a public servant doesn’t mean you should have to waste it performing your elected duties. As such, here are 5 great podcast ideas for senators who just don’t feel like, you know, senating.

Movies

Doesn’t talking about the newest Marvel movie sound so much better than being there for your state’s citizens during a life-threatening power outage? Honestly, who gives a shit? It’ll probably come back on at some point, and it’s not like you’re an electrical engineer. Brush up on rudimentary movie analysis (or don’t, it truly doesn’t matter) and get ready to discuss how good you think Mark Wahlberg was in “Flight Risk”.

Grievance Politics

This definitely seems like the most viable option here. A podcast dedicated to complaining about Critical Race Theory or some high school trans volleyball player in Kansas sure beats the shit out of proposing legislation to help the people who cast a vote for you, so get out of the Capitol and into a comfy chair, and start recording. Your loyal followers aren’t going to get inordinately angry about inane things for no fucking reason on their own!

True Crime

This topic will always be all the rage, so you’ll definitely have an eager audience. And anyway, doesn’t it sound so much more interesting than serving on the Senate Appropriations Committee? Almost certainly, so hook up your mic and talk about the Zodiac Killer for a few hours. Your pals up in Congress likely won’t even notice you’re gone.

Food

Cooking food, eating food, exploring food’s history, it doesn’t really matter. So long as it doesn’t involve working as a Senator, feel free to hit this from whichever angle you prefer. Just make sure to get going as soon as possible. Your colleagues are going to begin the boring-ass confirmation process for some presidential judicial nominees soon, and you need an excuse to miss it.

Christianity

Fuck yeah, your voters love this shit. You’ve been espousing religious bullshit ever since you got into politics, and for whatever reason they haven’t caught on that you think it’s a bunch of beans. It’s largely the reason you got into office in the first place. Weirdly, doing this is probably better for your career than actually doing your career, so get started!

Punk Opens Up to Therapist and Confesses Their Love For The Misfits’ “Famous Monsters”

Posted on by Jose Balderas

ONTARIO, Calif. — Local punk Remy Omomo made a breakthrough during a recent therapy session and admitted his love for the Graves-era Misfits’ album “Famous Monsters,” sources reported.

“I’ve been harboring these feelings since 1999 and I knew every time I pretended it wasn’t a big part of my identity I felt like I was dying inside, and not in a cool B-movie body horror way, so it was a major milestone when I was able to tell my therapist how much I fucking love this album even if I lose some of my best friends or even family,” relayed Omomo. “You have to be true to yourself and admit that you love ‘Lost in Space’ with Michale Graves’ weirdly fluctuating vocals and ‘Forbidden Zone’ with its retelling of everyone’s favorite ape movie. My therapist said it was all in my head and that many other punks also suffer. It’s important to know that you are not alone.”

Close friend Spider Gonzalez recounts how much Omomo’s secret affected their group.

“We were always concerned about how irrationally angry he would get at just the mere mention of anything Misfits-related. His outburst would seriously kill the mood when he’d begin yelling ‘Fuck Michale Graves!’ because yeah, we agree, but please calm down inside the Barnes & Noble,” said Gonzalez. “He told us recently he began therapy and we thought it was to handle his obsession with only having an even number of safety pins on him at all times but I guess it was for his Famous Monster-era phobia. The rest of his friends accept him even if he chooses to like that album. You know what they say, ‘love the band, hate that album.’”

Omomo’s therapist, Dr. Herman Garrett, expanded on scene-specific trauma he’s encountered with more regularity.

“More and more punks have been open to the idea of accepting who they are beyond what is expected of them in their social circles and scenes,” stated Garrett. “It’s ok to like a sub-par album of a band. It’s ok to put in a Laufey song in between Agnostic Front and Propagandhi. It doesn’t change who you are and what you are true to. It’s ok to enjoy ‘Famous Monsters’ and also want to punch Michale Graves. Those are valid feelings and once we understand that you are a multi-faceted person that can, and will, like shitty things from time to time then you are truly free to be yourself without any reservations.”

As of press time, Omomo also included Alkaline Trio’s “Crimson” and Bad Religion’s “Into The Unknown” into his regular rotation of albums.

RFK Jr. Announces Plans to Live Forever After Stuffing His Holes with Silica Gel Packets

Posted on by Matt Husser

WASHINGTON — Secretary of Health Robert F. Kennedy Jr. today declared his plans to live for eternity after stuffing his orifices with silica gel packets, sources confirmed.

“I’m proud to announce I’ve discovered a miracle anti-aging breakthrough—I stuffed silica gel packets in all my holes and now I can never die! You’d be amazed how many of these suckers you can fit in your pee-hole, but you really gotta get ’em up there or the healing crystals can’t latch onto your taint chakra,” mumbled RFK Jr., loose packets spilling from his mouth. “You see, the ancient Egyptians had the right idea with mummification, but the crucial mistake they made was only embalming themselves after they were dead. But this stuff is all-natural, non-toxic, and ever since I’ve started silica-maxxing I’ve transcended the need to void my bowels.”

Make America Healthy Again acolyte Bradley Gaines took to TikTok to try the new silica-maxxing trend.

“We stan our desiccant daddy RFK Jr., so you know I had to try this new miracle aging cure myself. Now the first thing you’ll notice is all these junk food wrappers around me—I wouldn’t be caught putting this processed garbage in my body, I just needed to buy it to get enough nourishing silica packets to fill my bodily apertures,” said Gaines, grunting as he stuffed a handful of packets down his pants. “Wow, you can really feel the silica working immediately, it’s kind of like popping a Zyn except instead of an energizing buzz it feels like your asshole is filled with rock salt. Well the guidelines did say that some bleeding was normal, but thankfully the silica will dry all that up in no time.”

Healthcare workers pleaded with Americans to not follow the new HHS guidelines on how to safely shove silica packets in your orifices.

“I can’t in good conscience recommend that Americans ‘lube up with tallow and start slowly with one or two fistfuls of silica packets until you feel the euphoria wash over your naked body,'” said gastroenterologist Dr. Gabriel Trammell. “The list of things we recommend you shove up your ass are pretty small, and desiccant packets from an old bag of beef jerky is definitely not one of them. There is also no clinical evidence to the claim that ‘when you cross the silica desert and hallucinate an oasis, it’s the trickster Loki trying to con you into drinking from the pool of seed oils.'”

Having conquered death, RFK Jr. announced plans to spend the next 500 years searching across time and space for the cure for autism.

Opinion: Don’t Talk to Me Until I’ve Screamed at the Teenager Making My Coffee

Posted on by Matt Husser

There are a few rules I live my life by: a balanced diet is a slice of pizza in each hand, my level of sarcasm depends on your level of stupidity, and if you want to dance with the devil, you don’t get to pick the tune. But there’s one bit of t-shirt wisdom above all else that everyone around me needs to abide by: Don’t talk to me until I’ve screamed at the teenager making my coffee.

I know it’s cliche, but I just can’t start my day until I’ve hurled a barrage of insults at a sixteen-year old until they’ve shed enough tears to fill a coffee cup — and it better be a fuckin’ large cup too, because we don’t hablo no ‘Grande’ here in the U.S. of A.

There’s just something that brings me joy about that first whiff of attitude from the barista that gives me the greenlight to unload on them. This is a stand your coffee grounds state so go ahead, punk: make my latte. I don’t give a damn if you’re my teenage daughter’s best friend, how hard is it to make a three and a quarter shot, half-caff, non-fat, eight-pump caramel whip macchiato with extra foam, but only on the right side of the cup, and the gentlest angel’s fart of cinnamon on top?

I work hard and I play hard, but if there’s one thing I don’t play with it’s my coffee. If you’re too dumb to read that my shirt clearly says ‘Warning: My Sense of Humor Might Hurt Your Feelings’, well that’s your fault that you can’t tell the difference between mean and ‘spicy nice’.

And Lord help you if you think you can turn that little screen around and ask for a tip. You disrespect me in front of this long line of people waiting for me to teach you a lesson so they can order their coffee, and you want a tip? You’re lucky I don’t shove the tip of that steam wand up your butt and burn the sass out of your narrow ass. Mess with me you get the horns, mess with my coffee and you get the whole damn bull, sweetie.

Well thanks to that snot-nosed punk my day is officially ruined, so somebody better call ‘wine-one-one’ because it’s feeling like wine o’clock already. And I swear to God, that lazy bartender at Applebee’s better hustle her pregnant ass off that stool because if I’m late for my appointment with Dr. Rosé after the day I’ve had I’m going to hit that bitch with my Cybertruck.

40-Year-Old Metalhead Who Could Headbang for Hours in His 20s Now Gets Dizzy Just Standing Up from Toilet

Posted on by Chris Bowen

AUBURN, N.Y. — Local metalhead Stew Benendez came to the realization he could no longer headbang the way he used to after noticing how dizzy he became after simply getting off of his toilet, sources report.

“Man, when I was 23, me and my buds would bang our heads to Metal Church until the early hours of the morning while huffing four bags of glue and pounding 30 beers without even breaking a sweat, now I can’t even get out of my car without feeling like I’m going to faceplant on my driveway,” Benendez said as he put on a pair of grass-stained Adidas. “Could this be that I’m finally getting older, or is it just all the meds I take for my high blood pressure? Either way, it won’t ever stop me from jamming Iron Maiden covers with the boys in my garage, even if I have to bubble wrap everything in there.”

Benendez’s wife of five years has growing concerns about her husband’s lack of headbanging.

“I always tell him practice makes perfect and that you can’t just spend most of your time talking about how ‘metal’ you are, without actually doing any headbanging,” Sarah Benendez said. “It’s a wonder how he can even get up from the couch and get the mail without taking a header into the 14-foot skeleton we keep in our yard year round. I love him, but think it’s time he faces his headbanging and standing up quickly days are over.”

Doctor Sheila McDaniel, who specializes in geriatric care, claims metalheads can also develop conditions unique to themselves.

“The metal lifestyle is pretty much a breeding ground for brain damage. We see this in many patients who have spent decades listening to bands like Candlemass and Trouble,” Dr. McDaniel explained. “You would assume it would be the drug usage associated with doom bands like them, but oftentimes it’s the slow, consistent brain rattling caused by their riffs. Later in life, this can cause dizziness, slow reaction time, a penchant for finger foods, and an inability to like any bands that aren’t 40 years old.”

At press time, Benendez took the “Boy in the Plastic Bubble” approach to prevent any lightheaded spills while attending his latest metal show.

Man Ready to Conquer Day After Instagram Algorithm Feeds Him Several Back-to-Back Reels of Horrific Automotive Fatalities

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

BLACKWELL, Okla. — Local man Darren McFadden was ready to take on his day after his Instagram algorithm fed him several consecutive Reels of horrific automotive fatalities, concerned friends and family members reported.

“Life really isn’t so bad when you put everything into perspective,” reported McFadden while casually watching a sizzle reel of parkour outtakes resulting in either death or permanent disfigurement at 2x speed and sipping on his morning coffee. “Sure, my job is miserable and my ex-girlfriend just announced that she’s having twins, but things could be a lot worse. At least I wasn’t that guy who got pancaked by a drunk driver behind the wheel of an F-150 while enjoying lunch at the sub shop because he was sitting too close to the window.”

Longtime friend and victim of McFadden’s willingness to forward the most unhinged content without warning, Chris Harding, is considering therapy after months of waking up to unsolicited gore.

“Darren and I always send each other wacky stuff, but I’m beginning to think that he sincerely enjoys watching countless people he doesn’t know get severely hurt or killed before forwarding it along with a hearty ‘LOL’ that makes the hairs on my neck stand up,” stated Harding while surveying his inbox for ‘Sensitive Content’ warnings. “I never thought I’d miss the overflow of people reviewing food in their cars that typically show up on my feed, but thanks to Darren my Explore page is now a digital landfill of human suffering.”

Social media expert Lauren Hughes worries about the psychological fallout that mass consumption of snuff under the guise of entertainment will have on society if left unchecked.

“It goes without question that we’re not mentally equipped to doom scroll through hundreds of videos of unintentional manslaughter on social media,” asserted Hughes while scrubbing her feed of candid choking incidents at chain restaurants for the third time this week. “On one hand, sussing out AI-generated content versus the real thing has become increasingly difficult, and you really can’t blame users for seeing it as a form of idle entertainment. Conversely, laughing out loud at a man falling into a bear trap while you’re taking a dump is the early warning sign of an entirely new mental illness that we have yet to fully explore.”

At press time, McFadden was spotted searching for his old copy of “Faces of Death” in his storage unit.

The Next John Fetterman? The GOP Is Wooing a Job Site Security Guard After an Iron Rod Through the Skull Changed His Entire Personality

Posted on by Dan Rice

One was a massively corrupt political party dragging the country into authoritarian oligarchy through lies, xenophobia, and secret police. The other, a Democratic senator, fresh off the heels of a stroke that significantly damaged his brain, and ready to believe anything you told him. It was a meet-cute for the ages, but if you’ve been shipping the GOP and John Fetterman, we’ve got some troubling news — it looks like the Fett-dog might have some competition.

Scott Landers was a mild-mannered and well-liked security guard at a construction site until a workplace accident left him with an iron rod through the skull. Miraculously, he survived, but friends and family report the incident has radically altered the once kind and even-tempered Landers. He is now irate, irrational, and prone to fits of extreme paranoia and delusion — something known in conservative political circles as the “it factor.”

Just when it looked like the GOP was about to drop to one knee and make their situationship with the severely ill John Fetterman legal in front of God and everyone, in barges this tall, severely unstable drink of water. The guy looking at the hot girl in front of his girlfriend meme practically writes itself. Fetterman better up his game fast, because Landers is “speak in tongues brandishing a broken bottle” crazy now, and top conservative lawmakers have sure as hell taken notice.

Landers’ political potential was first noticed by top republicans when a video of him recovering in the hospital went viral. Doctors and hospital staff could be seen desperately trying to restrain him as he attempted to rip out his IV, shouting in a mixture of English and a language of his own design that the fluid contained microchips, that hospitals were slave factories for the satanic deep state, and Israel is America’s biggest responsibility. All while blood still profusely oozed from his fresh skull wound. Rumor has it Mitch McConnell took one look at that video, steepled his fingers, and cooed, “Excellent.” Pennsylvania, there might just be a new senator in town.

Early focus group shows conservative voters identify with Landers’ paranoid lunacy, noting that he seems “down to earth” and “real.” When asked if his platform to arm every man, woman, and child in Pennsylvania with swords and torches until the Rat King and his hypno-hordes had been neutralized, focus groups noted that Landers was likely not being literal, and that the Rat King was a metaphor for government overreach. When shown a video of a disheveled Landers firing a handgun wildly into a sewer, shouting “Get out here ya gaddman Satan Rat man, you don’t fool me!” one group member accused whoever took the video of lacking critical thinking skills because cancel culture.

Fetterman better start tasting some more pennies fast if he has any hope of emerging as the victor in this little love triangle. At this rate, he’ll need a bolt of lightning to destroy an entire hemisphere of what remains of his brain just to compete with this dangerously deranged new conservative dreamboat. The GOP knows the lifeblood of their party is the fear-based madness of those poor twisted souls who, by cruelty of fate, exist in the murky nether-regions between life and death, and Landers has got that in spades. It’s not every day you find a mentally crippled misfortunate with Landers’ youth, vitality, and, rod through the skull aside, rugged good looks. If that rod had bludgeoned its way straight through his skull while Trump was giving out cabinet positions, it wouldn’t even be a contest.