Let’s get this out in the open: these rankings are definitive, and we will fight every single person with a fucked-up “Jane Doe’ stick and poke tattoo over it. Bring your broken beer bottles and switchblades to Hard Times headquarters and wait for us in the parking lot by the taco truck. Even if you do show up, your arms will still be too infected to throw a real punch, and everyone knows it.
10. Halo in a Haystack (1994)
Converge’s debut release is a lot like a freshman high school yearbook photo—looking back, there was some good stuff even if the guy in the picture turned out to be a sketchy bartender that sells drugs and exotic meat out of the back of his hometown bar now. Good thing Jacob Bannon is the vegan, straight edge type. Otherwise, listening to this album would be depressing instead of nostalgic.
Play it again: “I Abstain”
Skip it: “Exhale
9. When Forever Comes Crashing (1998)
This album is the one your cool, older cousin Tony liked. Tony loved this album as much as he loved huffing glue and stealing bikes. He listened to it while you pissed the sleeping bag because you weren’t ready to hear this album when you were 10. But what were you doing hanging out with a 17-year-old, anyway? You weren’t ready for it then, and it’s honestly not worth dredging it back up and the subsequent therapist’s appointment now.
Play it again: “Conduit,” “Year of the Swine”
Skip it: “Ten Cents,” “In Harm’s Way”
8. Petitioning the Empty Sky (1996)
Overall, this album is classic Converge. However, it is the only Converge album featuring an alarm clock in a song’s intro. Alarm clocks are for cops. Fuck cops and fuck songs that remind us of cops. Also, why is our sleep paralysis demon Gabe painted on the cover? That guy is the worst. Cops and demons aside, this album is objectively better than the entire Rush discography.
Play it again: “The Saddest Day”
Skip it: “Albatros”
7. Bloodmoon: I (2021)
This collaboration with Chelsea Wolfe is the only album in the Converge discography that you can properly do drugs to. We’ll stop short of calling it Boston’s “Dark Side of the Moon”, but if you light some incense and shotgun a couple Mountain Dews, you’ll really blast off, man. Tripping on caffeine and yellow dye 5 to this album is transformative. So transformative, you’ll forget you sublease a one-room apartment from your ex-wife’s step-uncle with two cats and a Russian man that hates cats.
Play it again: “Viscera of Men”
Skip it: “Failure Forever”
6. All We Love We Leave Behind (2012)
You might remember this album for its tight transitions that make the songs seem to bleed together through a minefield of squelches and feedback as well as the surprise full-album visualizer posted to YouTube in advance of the album’s release. The video features vibrating colors and patterns interplaying with one another while the songs vary between jackhammers full of rage and plodding, glacial doom. Huh. Maybe there are two Converge records you can do drugs to. I’ll go get the Mountain Dew!
Play it again: “Tender Abuse,” “Sadness Comes Home”
Skip it: “Coral Blue,” “Precipice”
5. The Dusk in Us (2017)
Imagine having a baby with a dude and he writes “A Single Tear” in response. Pretty sick, right? If there’s anything babies and new moms love, it’s thrashing guitars, guttural screams, and breakneck drumming that are the perfect soundtrack for chugging 12 warm beers. Almost enough to make you treat every day like it’s Father’s Day.
Play it again: “Wildlife”, “The Dusk in Us”, “A Single Tear”
Skip it: “Thousands of Miles Between Us”
4. You Fail Me (2004)
This album about failure and loss is a lot more fun than it sounds. First off, the album cover is a severed hand, and who doesn’t love finding one of those? Plus, it’s got these inspirational song titles like, “Death King” and “In Her Blood” which are—a better time than you think.
Play it again: “Black Cloud”
Skip it: “In Her Shadow”
3. Jane Doe (2001)
This album is the Sergeant Peppers for aging hardcore dudes clinging to their camo cargo shorts and ‘90s Honda Civic hatchback. Those dudes have it at number one, but if we’re honest, the cover is more iconic than the music. Good thing you’re cranking out that bootleg merch in your mom’s garage! Why should Converge be the only people raking in cash on hoodies, tank tops, hats, banners, bandanas, tee-shirts, onesies, ashtrays, coozies, and tumblers with the visage of a stoic woman emblazoned on it? Nothing says, “I had 00-gauged ears twenty years ago!” like Jane Doe merch.
Play it again: “Homewrecker”
Skip it: “Distance and Meaning”
2. No Heroes (2006)
“No Heroes” sounds like the band caught an eagle and put it in a blender—sorry, not sorry, PETA. The main ingredients in this bird smoothie include some of the most unintelligible lyrics in the Converge discography, razor-sharp guitars that only get better as the album progresses, drama, and the absolute wall-smasher that is “No Heroes”. This refreshing, feather soda should be played loud because it is the work of a group of musicians hellbent on playing heavy music at a blistering pace and killing rare birds at a rate captive breeders cannot keep up with.
Play it again: “No Heroes,” “Grim Heart/Black Rose,” and everything after
Skip it: “Weight of the World”
1. Axe to Fall (2009)
When “Axe To Fall” came out, the 2008 financial crisis was fresh in the air, Millennials were ruining the restaurant industry with avocado toast, and Converge was ripping America’s underwear right over its head with this album. From the blistering opening of “Dark Horse” to the depths of “Cruel Bloom” and “Wretched World”, this album does it all. The anger and weirdness fit perfectly with the then and now—when things are totally fine and nothing is wrong at all.
Play it again: “Dark Horse,” “Cutter,” “Worms Will Feed / Rats Will Feast,” this record is a 10/10
Skip it: None of ‘em
Eric would use the phrase “I’m not racist, but” an uncomfortable amount, so I’d have no choice but to sneak out right after I ate without saying goodbye.
Jack would cancel his barbecue a half hour after everyone got there because, according to him, the grill “just didn’t feel right today.” I don’t know what that means but I won’t be asking follow-up questions.
Steve is going to go on and on about how the Pixies always threw a way better barbecue than Nirvana ever did, but they didn’t get enough credit in the mainstream for doing so. That’s not something I care about when I’m five beers deep.
The Black Flag guitarist would ask us all to chip in to help fund his barbecue despite making us pay a $5 cover to get in. Total cheapskate.
The Kiss guitarist would own an over-the-top flashy apron that says something like “kiss the cook” that he wears while barbecuing and you know he has a couple extra at a merch table he set up. But we all know it’s just a gimmick to distract us from the fact that he’s an average griller at best.
J Mascis would text me while I was on my way to ask if I could pick up a five-pound bag of ice. No problem, right? But 10 minutes later he would see if I could get some ketchup too since it totally slipped his mind. Then burgers. Oh, and hot dogs. Also, buns. I’d basically be supplying this whole thing.
John would make a lot of weird gestures with his face and mouth as he grills up a plate of burgers. Almost like he’s in pain. Something tells me that’s completely unnecessary and it’s making us all uneasy. But unfortunately there’s no good way to broach the “grill face” thing with him.
Zakk is an experienced griller, but he seems like he’d make us hunt and kill our own food for the barbecue. He’d drop us off in a forest, arm us each with a bow and arrow, and tell us not to come back until we’ve “bagged a deer.” I’m just not built for that type of hands-on barbecue.
Noel is definitely the kind of guy who would pick up an acoustic guitar at a party and play “Wonderwall” after saying something like “I wrote this on my own with no help from anyone.” Read the room, Noel.
Rivers would wear his shirt in the pool and I couldn’t get past that. He’d also ask us to keep the noise levels down to a minimum so we don’t disturb the neighbors, even though their party is already more boisterous than his. I might just go next door.
Yngwie would make everyone hang out in the front yard while he grills in the back because that’s all just “part of his process.” Evidently, his process also consists of boasting about how great of a cook he is. He’d make it difficult to separate the grill from the griller.
I’d feel like kind of a dork when I start complaining about the humidity and she’s over there grilling while wearing a leather jacket not even breaking a sweat. Outdoor parties are typically at their best when we’re all suffering from the heat together as a unit.
The Korn guitarist would host a barbecue that was sponsored by Monster Energy. He wouldn’t reveal that to us directly, but I’d put it together after seeing the coolers full of them, Monster Energy-infused snacks, and patio umbrellas with that “M” logo everywhere. Personally, I prefer barbecues that aren’t sponsored by energy drinks.
The My Bloody Valentine guitarist’s party would be a lot more fun if she assembled a livelier playlist. I mean, I like Slowdive and Elliott Smith as much as the next guy, but would it kill you to put on “Who Let the Dogs Out”?
The Strokes guitarist would invite us all to his barbecue in a condo in Brooklyn, only he uses a George Foreman Grill to cook hamburgers one at a time in his galley kitchen. I don’t think one bed, one bath apartments in Park Slope are meant for this sort of summertime event.
Scott would have nothing but cornhole boards strewn across his backyard and would constantly encourage us all to play in some sort of tournament. He would even call himself the commissioner and volunteer to keep score. Can’t we just hang out, Scott?
Everyone knows that when you show up to barbecues you exclusively talk about your favorite family sitcoms of the late’80s and early ’90s and the fact we would all have to tiptoe around mentioning “Full House” would be a problem.
The Minor Threat, Bad Religion, and Dag Nasty guitarist’s barbecue would feature six live bands, four of which he’d be in. Starting to think he’d see us less as guests to a barbecue and more of an audience he can perform to. Very sneaky, Brian.
Lars would have a designated fence we would all use to urinate on in his backyard. While it’s fairly convenient and surprisingly private, I’d likely have to take a dump at some point and it turns out his fence is the only form of plumbing on his entire property.
“Punkgasm” was the second album by Don Caballero featuring a new lineup with original member drummer Damon Che remaining at the epicenter. This album builds on the more pounding rhythmic approach of the previous “World Class Listening Problem” and is the first Don Cab album to feature vocals. If you’ve been an instrumental band since the early ‘90s, introducing singing is taking a chance but the ‘80s prog rock inflection of “Celestial Dusty Groove” works surprisingly well. While “Punkgasm”, the album’s namesake track also has vocals, it’s the wackiest song Don Cab ever recorded sounding like a Van Halen tribute band suffering from the effects of heatstroke in an unairconditioned practice space.
1993 was an inflection point in alternative music. While Nirvana trolled their fan base with the less than radio-friendly “In Utero” bands like Green Day and the Offspring were readying their polished major label debuts in hopes of gigantic payouts. “For Respect”, Don Caballero’s first full-length, sounds like it comes from an alternate timeline where Grunge, chain wallets, and frat bros going to shows never happened. It’s an important album, with Don Cab effectively creating their own genre of frenetic instrumental music, unattached to any scene or pretenses.
Most music that is labeled as “math rock” is pretty sterile and boring. While an 11/16 polyrhythm might be impressive to someone who graduated from the Berklee College of Music, its complexity is lost on those of us who can’t even get clapping on the one and three right. Don Cab may experiment with odd time signatures, but calling them math rock is unfair. On “What Burns Never Returns,” Damon Che’s drumming is as precise as it is chaotic, with Ian Williams’ guitar lines adding abrasive and intricate textures. The rest of the players anchor these songs, giving Damon and Ian plenty of room to fill with swirling pulses of sound.
A great sequel takes what made an original special and amplifies it. “Don Caballero 2” is the Empire Strikes Back to For Respect’s New Hope, expanding their musical universe and adding depth. While most of their previous song clocked in at five or six minutes, “Don Caballero 2” sees them pushing things with several tracks at the ten-minute and 11-minute mark. This studio album also captures Don Cab experimenting more with dissonance and atmosphere, complicated song structures, and a head-bashing sense of repetition.
Remember when you were in a relationship for eight years, you broke up, and months later you were dating someone new? World Class Listening Problem is Don Caballero’s rebound with Damon Che finding an entirely new lineup than who six years earlier wrote and recorded American Don. Most notably missing was longtime guitarist Ian Williams (now of Battles), who had contributed so much artistically over the previous four albums. Though most bands can’t weather through such a change in lineups “World Class Listening Problems” feels fresh and optimistic, seeing the band go in a new direction that’s more linear and riff-based.
“American Don,” the band’s fourth studio outing, would be Don Caballero’s last before the line-up change that would leave Damon Che as the only original member. With spindly guitar lines, pummelling bass, and galloping drumming, this album shows them at peak chemistry, despite the ongoing friction between Damon and Ian that would be their undoing. Add analog recording wizard Steve Albini, who captured it all on tape with a punchy and organic sizzle, and “America Don” of the best albums of indie instrumental music ever recorded.
