30 Campy Adventure Movies Ranked by How Well They Help You Escape Reality When You Need to Be at Work in Like 3 Hours

Posted on by Dan Rice

Like many Americans, I am awake at three in the goddamn morning in a seemingly endless anxiety loop. As I stare at my alarm clock in a state of frozen horror, each passing minute makes sleep more crucial and yet somehow less attainable. With just three hours to go before the alarm rings and forces me to trudge through another day at work, with no regard for the fact that I like, JUST fucking did that, I might as well give up and watch a movie. But what movie?

Now is not the time for anything heavy. Something from the Criterion Collection or A24 might push me past the breaking point in my weakened condition, and I need to make it to at least lunch before that happens. What I need is some escapism.

Here are 30 campy adventure movies, ranked by the likelihood that they will make me feel like a kid for five minutes because that’s the closest I’m getting to a night’s rest before I need to go make coffee for hundreds of people I have grown to despise.

30. Mom and Dad Save The World

It fits the bill, but “Mom and Dad” is a concept so close to “Go to work” in my brain that this one does nothing for me in terms of distracting me from my horrible fate.

29. Adventures in Babysitting

Sure, it’s fun, but it’s still a movie about someone who’s at work, which is the last thing I need. I would be too preoccupied with thoughts like “fuck my life” and “Isn’t clopening supposed to be illegal?” to get into this one.

28. Howard The Duck

No matter how many times I watch this movie, it never quite registers in my brain. It’s confounding that a movie about a space duck is this boring. Plus I think the duck winds up sleeping with the lady? And it’s a Marvel movie? The confusion to comfort level is way off here.

27. Krull

Not the fantasy movie I need, but probably the one I deserve. Krull is a mess. It’s got a lead actor who smiles like he’s won a contest the whole time, who wields “The Glaive,” a magical, unnecessarily complicated pocket knife, to defeat aliens who ride horses. How is something that weird this boring?

26. Megaforce

Nice cozy Saturday morning kids show energy completely devoid of plot, “Megaforce” would be the perfect thing to finally lull me to sleep if not for the cornball dialogue and dated ‘80s misogyny making it occasionally jarring and, if I’m being honest, funny.

25. BMX Bandits

Just let this movie whisk you away to a time when it was just you and your friends on bikes pretending to do missions and stuff, blissfully unaware of student loans, economic recessions and utility shut-off notices.

24. The Wizard

What could be cozier than harkening back to a time before kids knew the Nintendo Power Glove sucked shit?

23. The Beastmaster

Part “Conan The Barbarian,” part “Dr. Doolittle,” all Dar. ‘The Beastmaster” is a wonderful slice of cheesy ‘80s escapism, slightly soured by your adult mind wondering how well all those animals were treated on set.

22. Tank Girl

It won’t give you the desperately needed rapid eye movement that keeps your sanity intact, but watching “Tank Girl” is maybe the closest you can come to having a dream while still awake. The logic of this movie is insane. There are inexplicable jumps in the action, animations that may or may not be happening in the world, 4th wall breaks, Ice T as a mutant kangaroo and heavily implied beastiality. It’s a mess, and so are you.

21. Real Genius

Asking yourself “Can Val Kilmer and his crew use their kid genius intellect and precociousness to stop the evil government laser in time?” is a lot more fun than asking yourself “Am I working with creepy Mike all day tomorrow?”

20. Little Monsters

It’s sort of like “Nightbreed” for kids, or “Monster’s Inc.” with cozy practical effects. Just let blue Howie Mandel drag you under the bed to a magical world where… you know what actually I just talked myself out of this one.

19. Masters Of The Universe

There was a time before toxic internet fandom where movie versions of established IP didn’t have to answer to anybody. If it weren’t for everyone calling Ivan Drago “He-Man” you wouldn’t even know this was supposed to be a He-Man movie, but that’s what makes it singular, weird and great. Go ahead and bask in the glow of this bonkers Cannon Films epic before schlupping off to work and listening to your nerd coworkers complain that Admiral Thrawn in Ahsoka doesn’t accurately hold up to the Star Wars Legends continuity, whatever the hell that means.

18. Return to Oz

What better place to escape to than the magical land of Oz? And why settle for the for the cutesy Judie Garland version of Oz when you can have this fucking madness? Watching the alienating, confusing and horrifying spectacle that is “Return to Oz” is perfect conditioning for the sleepless 8-hour shift that awaits you.

17. Clash of the Titans

You remember “Clash of the Titans,” don’t you? Sure you do! Back in the days of cable TV, when you were home sick from school desperately channel surfing for something that would appeal to you? It was this or “Price is Right” and at least this had monsters and stuff, so you watched it? Watching it now will awaken those memories and subconsciously tell your body “I am being comforted” and “Something is wrong,” both true!

16. Surf Ninjas

Ninjutsu, surfing, a magical Sega Game Gear and the guy from the “Naked Gun” movies for some reason. It’s all here, ready to get that sweet sweet nostalgia dopamine flowing enough to make you think “Maybe another 8-hour round of dealing with coworkers I’m sick of and the uncaffeinated public isn’t the fate worse than death I’m making it out to be.” Maybe.

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ICU Needs to Be Re-Sterilized After Insane Clown Posse Make-A-Wish Visit

Posted on by James Knapp

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — A recent Make-A-Wish visit by members of the Insane Clown Posse, to survivors of what the media is calling “The Great Tallahassee Airshow Disaster,” left the city’s General Hospital’s intensive care unit an absolute biome of infectious diseases, which had to be re-sterilized, sources who are normally used to this kind of thing confirmed.

“After that terrible accident, we really thought the survivors could use some cheering up — and who would be better to cheer up some newly limbless Flordians than ICP!” explained attending physician Gloria Kerwald. “But between the Faygo spray, grease paint smears and near-solid smog of fecal mist those guys swarmed through here with, it may just be easier to tear the whole building down and rebuild from scratch. If anything it’d be cheaper than the alternative.”

Insane Clown Posse member Violent J commented on the recent visit, which has reportedly left the local hospital’s ICU “in a state so foul it would make God himself want to sterilize heaven out of pure fear.”

“When the posse makes a wish come true, we do it not just with love, but also with great brutality. However, we are sorry that all of that hepatitis-J somehow got into the hospital’s ventilation system. That was totally unintentional,” explained Violent J while snorting a combination of Sudafed and crushed-up Certs. “I still think the most important thing is that we did actually help brighten those airshow fuckers’ hospital stay regardless of how we left the conditions of the ICU. I mean, after you’ve had two-thirds of you fed through a cessna propeller mid-flight, a little bit of dirt is the least of your worries.”

Make-A-Wish spokesperson Camille Benson detailed the organization’s newly implemented hygiene standards following ICP’s visit.

“All Make-A-Wish participants have to understand how magnets work… that’s it, that’s all we’re doing,” said Benson, who is clearly just trying to be fired already. “What the hell were you expecting? Everyone wears biohazard suits over scuba masks the whole time? Hospitals are covered in disease already — all we’re trying to do is help people who have been horribly disfigured by mispiloted zeppelins to forget that for like fifteen minutes. This ICP incident is almost as bad as that time we let that folk punk band do a Make-A-Wish here. We’re still trying to get their stench out of our one and only MRI machine.”

At press time, the ICU had been placed under quarantine for a newly discovered outbreak of “mega-gonorrhea.”

Every Good Charlotte Album Ranked Worst To Best

Posted on by Scott Waldman

Hold on, Waldorf, naptown, worldwide’s Good Charlotte have been around for nearly three decades? Standing ovation for them, and actual pain for you! If we’re being honest, where would we be now without this fun, fun, fun five-piece that is both doing weller than most, and truly loves the hell out of WWE Juggernaut Ashley Elizabeth Fliehr? Don’t answer that. Anyway, haters gonna hate, but the band has seven studio albums, likely six more than your crappier crust punk band that drew five people to your most recent basement show, of which four-fifths in attendance were your significant others, and the other individual was the “door”man who had no door to open. We attempted to rank each LP below from worst to best, and we know, you think that they all suck.

7. Cardiology (2010)

Hearts are quasi-important for staying alive, but sadly this effort, GC’s fifth album “Cardiology,” truly isn’t. If “Cardiology” was removed from everyone’s iPhones and brains as quickly as U2’s “free” one was from yours, the overall career of Good Charlotte would have far less filler, much more killer, and this piece would be much chiller. We honestly don’t think that the most ardent GC fans would miss “Cardiology” THAT much. Maybe we’re wrong here just this once, but we know you’re always incorrect in everything that you say, do, and have yet to do. Still, “Let The Music Play” would’ve been a solid addition to any GC LP, as it held up then and does even more so now. This album was the band’s last before their almost four-year hiatus, and happily they returned closer to form with their next two LPs.

Play it again: “Let The Music Play”
Skip it: “Sex On The Radio”

6. Generation Rx (2018)

“Generation Rx” is the seventh LP from Good Charlotte, and their most recent full-length effort that you likely didn’t know existed… Well you should! Much like their yet-to-be-mentioned third record, this one is dark AF, and catchy as Covid right this very moment. At just nine tracks, “Generation Rx,” is GC’s shortest album, but it honestly could’ve been shorter, despite the fact that this LP has FIVE freaking singles, or a solid four to five-song EP front-to-back. Even BAD Charlotte is GOOD music, so this very thoughtful, deliberate, and sincere collection of songs deserves your time, demons, and actual pain. Fun fact: The MUSYCA Children’s Choir, which stands for Musical Youth of California and not Maryland, shines on track seven, “Leech,” featuring Sam Carter of British metal act Architects, and track eight, “Better Demons,” featuring Satan of Klezmer fame. The way you say you love us is by listening.

Play it again: “Shadowboxer”
Skip it: “California (The Way I Say I Love You)”

5. Youth Authority (2016)

Life can’t get much better: Good Charlotte’s sixth album “Youth Authority” is the band’s best album since 2007’s “Good Morning Revival,” and its first track “Life Changes” is among one of the better pop-punk LP opening songs… We own this statement! Also, in a manner that makes an Easter Egg look more like a cruddy ornament, the band proved that they were clever by closing this album with a song called “Moving On,” when they had previously ended their 2002 breakout sophomore LP “The Young and the Hopeless” with its cool apostrophe slang version called “Movin’ On”; we see you. It’s clear that the band stuck to their personal five guns, kept fighting the good fight with swingin’ hands, and proved that they had more of a reason to stay with “Youth Authority,” as they literally are one for the youthful Hot Topic world.

Play it again: “Life Changes”
Skip it: “Cars Full of People”

4. Good Morning Revival (2007)

When one thinks of Good Charlotte, said thought typically doesn’t include Orange County’s Avenged Sevenfold, but GC’s fourth album “Good Morning Revival” certainly changed that for many outside of the 714 with their MTV-staple single “The River,” which featured A7X vocalist M. Shadows and the band’s lead guitarist Synyster Gates. Working with Don Gilmore, who also produced the band’s self-titled debut album and Linkin Park’s first, GC incorporated more dance-rock and new-wave elements into this LP than any others up to that point, and fans all over the world ate it up, especially “Dance Floor Anthem (I Don’t Want to Be in Love),” which was easily one of the more “pop” single in the band’s saccharine-in-a-good-way catalog. Recorded in both Vancouver and LA, “Good Morning Revival” sounds huger than both Bowen Island and Van Nuys combined, and has the distinction of being very successful whilst being underrated. March on.

Play it again: “Misery”
Skip it: “Keep Your Hands Off My Girl”

3. Self-Titled (2000)

Little things that are far less complicated than whatever Avril Lavigne sang about: If you had a chance to catch Good Charlotte on tour with MxPx and Ultimate Fakebook on tour for this album, you caught a solid/unforgettable show, and are cooler than Stroke 9 fans wearing little black backpacks, but not as cool as Nine Days’ peeps repeatedly cycling through the story of a girl. Your clothes never wear as well the next day, and you can literally hear the youth that is yet to be an authority in these songs. Basically, this LP has resonated so strongly with many fans young and old who claim it is their best, and will scold us in the comments for contradicting such an objectively/subjectively incorrect opinion. We hear you screaming, but you’re wrong, and you should change your proclamations that do little to motivate anyone but your selfish selves.

Play it again: “Festival Song”
Skip it: “Change”

2. The Young and the Hopeless (2002)

A new beginning? Oftentimes a band’s second major label record is a version of its former on steroids, without reinventing the wheel that it once rode on. “The Young and the Hopeless” is just that in a nutshell, but with FAR more emotionless and riotous squirrels of all genders. Good Charlotte took over the rock/roll/pop/punk world with guyliner, spiky hair that skyscrapers were jealous of, and so much more with this fourteen-track LP, and have proof of such with sales of over three million in the United States, and countless poor imitation bands attempting to sing about high schools feeling more like a jail cell than a crab cake. Also, TRL in the early aughts owes this band several royalty checks till the day that this band dies, and then some, as their descendents’ descendents have lots of looming expenses which include pounds and pounds of pomade.

Play it again: “The Young & the Hopeless”
Skip it: “The Day That I Die”

1. The Chronicles of Life and Death (2004)

The Madden Brothers, Sir Joel and Corporal Benji, plus guitarist Billy Martin, bassist Paul Thomas, and former drummer Chris Wilson, also of the underrated (The) Summer Obsession after his GC departure, made a perfect record called “The Chronicles of Life and Death,” which includes zero “skip it” tracks here; Dean Butterworth joined the band just one year later, and that lineup still stands today, which is a great feat in ANY musical genre. Anyway, this specific gold medal-winning placement may shock and/or offend anyone who ever heard of Good Charlotte, but that’s just what we believe, and we like being far from predictable whilst telling the truth! If you ever wanted to hear GC if they listened to more Silverchair than H2O, then this third album is for you. If not, maybe walk away or something? Seriously, we don’t care in this world or any other.

Play it again: Track 1 till the end of the individualized bonus track
Skip it: Purgatory

How We Turned Our Tour Van Into a Food Truck by Never Throwing Out These McDonald’s Bags

Posted on by Holden Klym

We were already on a pay-to-play tour–How could we be expected to pay for our own food? Lucky for us–a shitty reward system and our bass player, Tony, had our backs. Before getting fired from McDonald’s, he’d scan in customer’s points on his own phone. It took management 2 months to catch it, but by then our tour was starting so it didn’t matter.

Despite fully funding our food, Tony still wasn’t pulling his weight, so we put him on trash duty and load-in. Even though he did give us the van from his failed food truck, Beastie Burger. He would’ve stayed in business, but Mr. Beast and The Beastie Boys argued for so long over who had the right to sue him that he got bored and quit.

Three weeks into the tour, he busted his shoulder and we actually had to help unload the van. Through this, we discovered countless bags of McDonald’s remnants underneath the equipment. The food hadn’t aged a day either!

Some guy walking past saw the old signage on the van and the food in our hands and started ordering before we could stop him. We gave him a half-eaten burger–not even wrapped in anything. He took it unflinchingly, praising us for our “unique angle of business.” Before we knew it, we had a line to our van that went all the way back to the venue’s exit.

Business was booming, we even got profiled on the Food Network. If they just looked inside the van, fans would see we don’t even have anything to cook the food. It’s just Tony clipping his toenails and yelling “Order’s up!” every few minutes!

I’d say we feel bad about selling weeks-old food to people–but we don’t. More of our audience buys this shit than our merch. Hell, there’s a McDonald’s down the street that sells it for half the price. But wrap it up in one of the T-shirts we can’t seem to sell and suddenly we’re groundbreaking enough to pay $10 a burger.

After our tour wraps up next week, we’re gonna go on hiatus. We need to rack up more points to keep the business going–but Tony’s been blacklisted from being rehired. Once the rest of us get fired, we’ll run another tour–we’re not playing any music though. Why waste time with that when we could be actually making money?

Guy Who Started Singing Chorus Too Early Just Gonna Commit to It

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

BURLINGTON, Vt. — A participant of an impromptu road trip sing-along confidently began the chorus to a popular song a bit too early and reportedly decided to just go with it as if he were correct, embarrassed sources confirmed while shaking their goddamn heads.

“Ah man, I panicked, ok? I flat-out panicked. ‘Roxanne’ came on the radio, and everyone else in the car was so pumped, like it was an inside joke or something, and I figured I had heard it a million times so why not join in the sing-along? That second chorus was coming and I jumped the gun, hard,” said last-minute invite Burt Gryc, who is new to the tight-knit friend group. “So I decided I had to go down with the ship. Just sang the whole rest of the song a whole measure too early, and have since started living my entire life a step ahead of everything from then on. You know, to save face. Lord, I’m tired.”

Other passengers of the car ride found the misguided conviction both hilarious and profoundly unsettling.

“Well, at first, we all felt embarrassed for him. He just came in so incredibly incorrectly with such vibrant confidence, we were all wishing we were turtles that could put our heads into our shells. But, then we realized he was doubling down, and we had to start admiring it. If only from his unrelenting commitment.” said driver Mary-Sue Purkhiser. “At a certain point, he was so all-in, I started to question who was right and who was wrong. Maybe we all came in too late? My head’s still swimming in doubt. We had to pull over to the side of the road and all respectively reflect on our choices. Not Burt though, he just kept on singing.”

Leading authorities in the area of quantum physics have taken a particularly vested interest in Gryc’s unique situation.

“To put it in the simplest terms, Mr. Gryc here is a full step ahead of us all in time and space. Frankly, he has an important duty to society to help prevent catastrophe from striking at any moment. Anything from stopping someone from stubbing their toe to somehow avoiding another Titanic or Hindenburg situation,” said Dr. Kalilah Camino, from her Dartmouth office. “A lot rests on his shoulders. It’s funny, usually Sting’s music is played to conceive a new life, not permanently alter the trajectory of an existing one. America will soon have him to thank.”

After the road trip, it was revealed that another passenger sang the song so slow that they are only just now finishing it three days later.

The Top 20 Songs by The National to Cry Alone to in Your Studio Apartment

Posted on by Alex Vlahov

You’re just like any other guy: you get home after a long day, crack open a warm can of beer and cry alone in your studio apartment listening to The National. Their recent surprise album, ironically titled “Laugh Track” considering your tear-stained sweatshirt, offers a new collection of songs for reflecting on your sad life. You wonder if Hannah has heard the album yet, but then you remember your old therapist’s advice to not dwell over your ex-wife. Instead of asking yourself why she left you, check out these 20 songs for letting it all out in bouts of deep sobs. Grab some Kleenex, let’s dive in.

“Slow Show”

This is a choice 2007 cut for thinking about all the relationships in your life that you’ve completely fucked up. Specifically, your marriage. How could you blow it, man? Your own kids won’t return your calls. Where did it all go wrong? And it’s not just romantic relationships, this song is perfect for reflecting on how much you’ve alienated all your friends as well from your constant whimpering.

“Weird Goodbyes” (feat. Bon Iver)

As if this wasn’t already fucking sad enough, sure, let’s bring Bon Iver into this. This is an ideal track for calling Hannah up out of absolutely nowhere. You know, talk things through. Catch up. Just as long as Caleb isn’t there. If you’re too nervous, just let this song do the talking, or better yet: try unsolicited texts of the lyrics with absolutely no context. Ex-wives love that.

“All the Wine”

Remember when you used to go drinking with Caleb? “Thirsty Thursday,” remember? Your best fucking friend, man. With your wife. Behind your back. How could they do this to you? This 2005 song serves as a good reminder to clean up the wine bottles amassed in the corner of your kitchen. And the ones under your bed. And the one in your hand right now filling itself with your tears. She’s not coming back, OK? She’s with Caleb now.

“Terrible Love”

Finally, a tune that describes all that you may ultimately have to offer anyone. This 2010 track is ideal for sudden uncontrollable bawling, recommended to listen to head down with your arms around your knees. Your wailing echoes against the outdated splintering floorboards of your new studio apartment. One thing’s for sure: you’ll never let anyone close to you again. Except maybe this cockroach next to you.

“Apartment Story”

You think about your new home, this studio apartment located between a VapeDaddy and a place that gives payday loans. You live above a storage space for electric scooters with questionable men out front. This is all you could afford, with the alimony and all. But you had an actual home with her, man. An actual home, in the suburbs. Now, it’s just another house. Try not to drive by your old home and stare at the strangers living there now. Get comfy with this 2007 tune and let the blubbering begin.

“Turn Off the House”

You remember move-out day like it was yesterday. This song reminds you about switching off the electricity, turning off the water, and dropping your key through the mail slot. And the next day, it was straight to this seven-story walkup. Back to the bachelor lifestyle. Try to distract yourself from the inherent loneliness of living alone. Don’t think about getting into a physical altercation with the realtor over how low your house sold for. It’s good to remember that you’re a renter now and you’ll probably never own property again.

“Demons”

Demons. Hey, we’ve all got ‘em. This 2013 song was actually playing in your earbuds when you walked in on them. Your wife with your best friend. All limbs and bedsheets. Her ecstatic screaming. Caleb, the man who spoke at your wedding. And you thought you were going to spend a lifetime with her. You even made a family together. Just let that betrayal wash over you like a tide. And dig that driving percussive beat, like a slow drip of pain.

“Mr. November”

It was November when you walked in on them. You don’t even celebrate Thanksgiving anymore. Friends think it’s progressive but it’s just so that you don’t have to field awkward questions from family or confront anyone with the tragic fuckup parade of your life. This 2005 song makes you realize that it had to be going on between them for months. Right? Since the summer before, at least. You think back to Hannah’s midnight texts, her extra long meetings, the twice-a-day yoga classes, the five-hour weekend matinee movies two towns over…

“Graceless”

That’s what you’d call your wife fucking your best friend: graceless. This 2013 track is great accompaniment for shuffling around the apartment, thinking up the hardest-hitting insults if only Hannah and Caleb were here right now. Go ahead, just say them out loud. Since you’re blasting this tune alongside reruns of Judge Joe Brown at full volume, no one will hear your desperate sniveling shouts.

“Bloodbuzz Ohio”

Oh God. She’s from Ohio. Whatever you do, don’t think of Skyline Chili and those long weekends at the cabin visiting family. Why did this song have to come up? Also, it’s from 2010. The year you met, which only twists the knife. Here come the waterworks. When not weeping, you do some social media stalking and see that Caleb was actually in Ohio with her family over the holidays. Fucking Caleb, dressed as Santa Claus, giving gifts to your kids. YOUR kids. Also, didn’t you buy that Santa outfit?

“Hornets”

You think about that summer you two spent at the lake. You threw a rock at a hornet nest and you both laughed so hard, running away down the hill back to the cabin. That was before Hannah was pregnant. Before Caleb started coming over all the time. When it was just you two. You ask yourself, “What happened?” Anyway, there’s a fucking hornet nest outside your studio window right now and it’s also your fire escape so if there’s a fire you’re probably going to die alone listening to this song from the new album.

“Baby We’ll Be Fine”

But you won’t be, will you? She took the kids, man. Five states over, ten hour drive. Biweekly custody, only over the summer. And that’s a lifetime locked in together. That means you’re seeing her and Caleb for the next few decades at graduations, weddings, all of that. What did you do to deserve this constant hell? Maybe you don’t have to get through this 2005 song. You wish you had someone to speak to about this, but since your best friend fucked your wife and stole your family, making acquaintances and developing trust has been difficult.

“Born to Beg”

No wonder the kids don’t like coming over. You don’t even have any food in the house. Look in the fridge, go on, just look. It’s soy sauce and Cholula, that’s it. This 2017 song makes you think about how well Caleb cares for them, with his fancy tech job. Your mouth waters thinking about how well Hannah and your kids eat. You bet they go to Chili’s every night. You bet Caleb gets the fucking Presidente Margarita, because he’s the president of your family now, you pathetic piece of shit.

“Lucky You”

This is one of their earlier songs, from 2003, and you thought these hand-written lyrics mailed to her would communicate the depth of your longing and pain. Sure, you included some of your own free-verse poetry, plus a letter begging her to return. Who doesn’t like a handwritten letter? Well, apparently not your ex-wife Hannah since this came back ‘Return to Sender’ along with a restraining order.

“I Am Easy To Find”

Similar to this 2019 album title song, you have made yourself incredibly open to reconciliation. All of your social media accounts are public and you are very receptive to any time Hannah wants to send a message or check in. You can mend this broken family. Any day now. But unfortunately Hannah has blocked you on all platforms. Even fucking LinkedIn. Who blocks someone on LinkedIn? Caleb still pops up once and while. And hey, you saw Caleb just got a promotion. Good news for your kids, you suppose.

“The Alcott” (feat. Taylor Swift)

You created a fake account and saw they went to The Eras Tour on Instagram. Your best friend in the world with his arm around your wife Hannah, your two kids smiling at the fucking camera. Confetti everywhere and not a care in the world. Oh well, at least they had a nice time. You cry thinking about the only concert you ever could afford to bring your children to. Between the mortgage payments and private school, the best you could offer was nosebleed for The Wiggles, which they were definitely too old for. Maybe this is why your kids won’t talk to you or refer to you only by your first name in texts. Caleb is dad now.

“Slipped”

You thought huffing paint was long in your past. Well, think again. This 2013 song aptly represents the moment you picked up a can of spray paint from the Home Depot a few blocks away. Fall into a chemical stupor and ask yourself out loud when the pain will end. Maybe the room whispers “never.” Maybe that was your neighbor. After all, these walls are paper-thin.

“Guilty Party”

OK, so maybe you cheated first. Multiple times. Maybe you compared the kids to each other. Loudly, in front of them. Sure, maybe you drink too much. But you have rules: never before 10 a.m. This 2017 song makes you realize that it absolutely had to be the shoplifting phase. She loved that ring but she didn’t love your foray into “smash and grabs” from the diamond district. She especially didn’t love the Croatian mobsters pounding on the door of your old house. Upon reflection, that may have been the final straw. But you could’ve worked it out!

“Watching You Well”

Since you’re still logged in to Hannah’s Netflix, you notice that she didn’t finish “You’ve Got Mail” last night. You thought that was the special Nora Ephron comfort film you shared together. Was she watching alone? Does she miss you? Why didn’t Hannah finish the film? Did she fall asleep in Caleb’s swarthy muscular arms? Did they make love, talking about how much they hate you the entire time? You know that’s a lie you tell yourself: they don’t talk when they make love. They don’t even call it “making love.” They fuck. Hard. Sweaty, going for endurance. This 2001 song will remind you of the raw animal passion Hannah is finally experiencing in her life.

“Crumble” (feat. Rosanne Cash)

You’re empty. At absolute zero, fallen apart to pieces and crumbled like the title of this new song. But sunlight peaks through the curtains. Wow, you stayed up all night crying. Better get to work. Don’t worry about your soiled underwear, no one at the Call Center will notice. Wipe those tears away with the misdemeanor papers regarding your recent stalking charge. Take a deep breath of spray paint from your favorite crumpled brown bag, and head out the front door barefoot ready to win your family back.

Inefficient Crowd-Killer Leaves Nearly 90% Of Show Attendees Alive

Posted on by Bex Kane

RACINE, Wis. — Unconcerned sources report that the clumsy efforts of crowd-killer Danny Wilkins at a house show by local horror punk band Root River Revenants inflicted only a few casualties, with 23 of 26 attendees walking out of the show unscathed.

“It was actually kind of embarrassing to watch,” said Revenants fan Kelly Long. “I don’t want to shit on the guy, ‘cause he’s clearly doing his best at this whole thing, but it just doesn’t seem like his best is very good. Like, I kept seeing him throw punches way outside the pit, but most of the time he just missed. I didn’t even realize the show was winding up at first because pretty much everybody was on their feet and unhurt. I mean, Eli was bleeding pretty bad, but he was bleeding when he came in, so I don’t think it’s related.”

The Revenants’ guitarist, Lina “Headless” Horstmann expressed concerns related to the incident.

“The real bummer in all this is that we’re not sure how to count the turnout for that show,” Horstmann said while biting a scab on her wrist. “Like, we got 26 people in, and we were gonna have a big announcement because our old record was 24, but are we allowed to count the three guys who died? There’s just no clear guide on the etiquette here. And anyway, I think two of the guys were dead before the last few people got in, so it might have only been 24 people in there at one time. It’s just so hard to navigate this stuff sometimes.”

The local scene’s foremost expert on crowd-killing was unsurprised by Wilkins’ limited lethality.

“Yeah, Danny’s a decent kid, but he never has a fucking clue what he’s doing,” explained Chris “Three-Eyes” Cheng. “He comes up from Milwaukee, and he always says it’s because he went to school out here, but honestly I think they got fed up with him pulling this kind of half-assed shit. The Revenants fucking suck, and the basement they play in is enormous. That meant there was a ton of empty space, and nobody else was moving at all. It was way too easy to just walk away from the guy flailing his arms all over the place. Danny really needs to understand that if you wanna kill a crowd, there has to be a crowd.”

At press time, Wilkins agreed to enter a combination therapy and coaching program to either stop or improve his crowd-killing, called “Get Well or Get Good.”

Eight Songs We’re Listening To This Week That Aren’t The New Blink-182 Singles, And Two That Are

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

It’s a strange time to be an alternative music fan right now. blink-182 is releasing a new album with their (almost) original lineup, Death Cab For Cutie and the Postal Service are playing their landmark records in full on a nationwide tour, and the Mars Volta are somehow more relevant now than they have been in years. Because of this, you might be feeling like it’s the early aughts all over again. Why even bother upgrading your musical tastes at all, right? Wrong. Someday soon this nostalgia train will run its course. When it does, you’ll be left at the station rambling incoherently about the fact that ‘From Under The Cork Tree’ turns twenty in less than two years or some shit. ‘Feel old yet? Feel old yet?’ you’ll repeat ad nauseam as the world moves on without you.

It’s not too late to change your trajectory, though. There are literally dozens of great new songs released each day, allowing you to simultaneously reminisce about the past while charging fearlessly into the future. We can’t promise to fix you completely, but here are a handful of new tracks our staff have been spinning that will hopefully point you in the right direction.

Al Menne “Freak Accident”

It’s certainly no accident that Los Angeles singer-songwriter Al Menne’s solo debut album is one of the best indie releases of the year. Initially making waves with Seattle-based rock outfit Great Grandpa, Menne has gained a steady and building reputation for their thoughtful lyricism and inimitable vocal stylings. Fans of the previous band have a lot to hang onto here as Menne’s signature motifs paint the entire record. What sets it apart as a solo effort is a dialed-back and more vulnerable sound. This is aided by production and engineering from indie veterans Christian Lee Hutchinson and Melina Duterte (Jay Som). Album highlight and title track ‘Freak Accident’ blends each contributor’s best sensibilities – as well as backing vocals from comedian and collaborator Whitmer Thomas – into a lush and satisfying alt-country twinged indie meditation on outsiderism. A theme you might strongly relate to if you fail to immediately hop on the tail of Menne’s rising star.

Soul Glo “If I Speak (Shut the Fuck Up)”

Our managing editor has been trying to tell us about this track since it came out a couple weeks ago. When she would mention the title, however, we kind of thought she was just yelling at us again. Instead of her typical scorn, it would appear that Philadephia’s Soul Glo is fucking shit up again. Apparently when artists take the time to empower their work and hone their crafts, they can achieve stunning results. Maybe if you spent more time mixing your EP and less time spamming multiple comments sections, people would actually listen to it. That’s the general thesis of “If I Speak,” at least. Building over a brooding intro before slamming your head into the brick wall that serves as its hook, Soul Glo’s latest is an anthemic ode to taking pride in yourself while purging the incessant and time-consuming trappings of modern digital life.

Joe Camerlengo “Words For Goodbye”

Columbus, Ohio native and noise-wizard Joe Camerlengo holds an impressive resume. From fronting cult legends This Is My Suitcase and Van Dale to providing guitar work for Justin Courtney Pierre’s ‘The Price of Salt’ EP, there is seemingly no project the songwriter and producer can’t manage. Serving as an electric reimagination of their sparse solo debut, which was a collection of songs inspired by the birth of their first child, ‘New New Things’ features some of Camerlengo’s most enduring soundscapes to date. Notable highlight, ‘Words For Goodbye,’ is a touching ode to unconditional love that carries on through a lifetime. A vulnerable slice of freak-pop that would make you want to call your parents if you didn’t already live in their basement.

Baroness “Last Word”

Baroness is currently celebrating their twentieth year as a band, which modern events tell us is quite a milestone. While your band is already starting to show its age even in its infancy, the Savannah, Georgia quartet only seems to be getting started on their recently released sixth LP, ‘Stone.’ If you need any evidence that these guys are still capable of ripping your face off while defending their regal namesake, look no further than the epic ‘Last Word.’ While the staff has been thoroughly enjoying the album, we have had to institute a moratorium on playing it until we can get our office put back together. That shouldn’t stop you from trashing your living room while listening, though.

The National “Laugh Track ft. Phoebe Bridgers”

At their widely beloved Homecoming Festival in Cincinnati, Ohio last weekend, The National not only announced that a new album, ‘Laugh Track’ – their second this calendar year – was on the way, but that it would be released just two days after their headlining set. This caused a massive waiting list for therapist appointments as divorced dads across the nation scrambled to be seen in time to process the record. The aptly named title track, which features Phoebe Bridgers in her third collaboration with the band, carries on the subdued nature of the preceding ‘First Two Pages of Frankenstein’, but is significantly less of a dirge thanks to more vibrant percussion and catchier hooks.

Blink-182 “ONE MORE TIME” and “MORE THAN YOU KNOW”

Time to bust out a pair of Dickies shorts, high top Vans, and a box of Kleenex (for crying, grow up), because Blink-182 is back again, baby! This time, it’s a family affair. After releasing a four-minute trailer for their upcoming album that halted production at HT HQ due to every single person in the office sobbing for 48 hours straight, Blink has released not just their promised single “ONE MORE TIME,” but also the bombastic “MORE THAN YOU KNOW.” The former questions why it always seems to take a tragedy to bring estranged loved ones back on the same page. You didn’t need another reason to feel shitty about not talking to your friend Greg since his emergency surgery five years ago, but now you have it. The latter seems to feature Mark and Tom airing their grievances with one another while admitting their own faults which led to the previously fractured state of their relationship. We don’t think we’re being hyperbolic by stating that nothing has ever had the power to heal our troubled and divided nation quite like watching two rich white men publicly set aside their differences for the sake of pop-punk and friendship. Leaders, please take note.

New music is important, but ensuring you have a well-rounded taste that will impress anyone who dares to question your prowess means having a well-stocked arsenal of classics to lord over everyone. We here at The Hard Times have those covered in spades too! Here’s a few of our handpicked blasts from the past to add to your collection if you’re trying to avoid looking like a total dweeb.

Mitski “Townie”

Mitski just released her excellent album “The Land Is Inhospitable and So Are We” last week, which has fully launched one of our writers into their ‘annual end-of-summer sadboi phase’. When he’s not playing her entire discography at full volume from his desk, he can be found dramatically sitting in a window ledge with a cup of tea. Many have asked when he’ll be himself again and have been met with a pensive and wistful, ‘when it stops hurting.’ At least when “Townie” comes on, he gets so jazzed that he writes a few paragraphs before going back to his brooding.

Manchester Orchestra “100 Dollars”

Two of our writers this week faced weirdly large bills from their veterinarians. For some inexplicable reason, they both on separate occasions found solace in this hidden gem from Manchester Orchestra. For the life of us, we cannot figure out why. Yes, the lyrics mention a dog, but we’re not convinced any of the other lyrics refer to emergency pet care. In fact, we’re pretty sure it’s a breakup song, or at least a poetic admission of Andy Hull’s secret gambling problem. Regardless, we’re pretty sure most people can relate to needing $100 at any given time.

Nada Surf “Popular”

Though one of our writers said we probably don’t need to hear this song again in his ranking of the band’s studio albums, we know for a fact that he was listening to it on repeat while penning the article. Frankly, we don’t know why he’s hiding it. Sure, it’s not their best track by a mile, but it’s still kind of wild that it was a mainstream hit for a second in the late 90’s. Best to get this one on your playlist so you can tell everyone you knew the song before it inevitably got turned into a nostalgia-biting TikTok trend.

Sure, Drum Machines Can Keep a Beat, But They’ll Never Replicate My Profound Lack of Professionalism

Posted on by J. Taylor Lee

I’ve heard my fair share of criticism from my bandmates over the years. They say that I’m “too moody.” That I’m an “unreliable asshole.” That I “keep getting arrested for punching out crossing guards.” That I “never stop bragging about my vasectomy.” I can take it. But this? Firing me and replacing me with a drum machine? This is not cool.

These clowns say my drumming is “inconsistent” and “not solid,” to which I say this: Yeah buddy, that’s our sound! Tame Impala layers every instrument in phasers, My Bloody Valentine uses mountains of feedback, and all of our songs gradually slow down by 30 beats per minute because it’s tough to play that fast for three entire minutes.

And I don’t understand where this whole “immature” accusation is coming from. I got a friggin’ vasectomy when I graduated high school, dude. That shows a lot of foresight on my part, regardless of the fact that it was heavily encouraged by several friends, family members, and past employers.

Yeah, you can tell the drum machine exactly what you want it to do, but it has no soul, man! It can’t make creative choices like I can! Take, as an example, my drumming on “Requiem for Sara.” Was my insistence on playing double-bass blast beats on an acoustic ballad, as one reviewer put it, the “9/11 of musical choices?” Maybe so, but at least 9/11 is memorable! Unlike the lyrics about a dead grandma or aunt or whatever our vocalist claims are “deeply personal.”

I mean what would you honestly prefer: a lifeless drum machine that’s cold and sterile (heartless), or me, an actual human being who’s cold and sterile (vasectomy).

You know what? Have fun with your stupid drum machine. Yeah, maybe you can program tempo, swing, and time signature. But you know what you can’t dial in? Feel. And guess who can? Me. Granted, my process for doing so involves lots of alcohol and industrial-grade inhalants, but everything in art comes with a price.

Speaking of price, my girlfriend says I shouldn’t practice for free, so for yesterday’s rehearsal I’ll be invoicing the rest of the band $200. And yes, I know I was 3 hours late. That’s why I’m only charging $200.

AMC Charging Additional Fee to Not Sit Behind Guy Explaining Entire Movie to His Girlfriend

Posted on by Alex Vlahov

LEAWOOD, Kan. — Movie theater chain AMC rolled out a new tiered fee system allowing patrons to avoid seats behind cinephile boyfriends commenting on the movie to their girlfriends, relieved sources confirmed.

“We’re very excited about this new initiative. AMC wants to recognize the majority of guests that simply want to enjoy a film without constant comparisons to Christopher Nolan, Quentin Tarantino or Stanley Kubrick,” explained PR representative Chuck Svenson. “Commentary culture should take a backseat to the big screen. Our visitors want to enjoy needle-drops without hearing where else the song has been used, or understanding a stranger’s intimate autobiographical relationship to the song choice.”

“All AMC customers will have this option available upon purchase in our broad rollout, after a soft launch in New York and Los Angeles, where research we conducted in league with popular dating apps shows that ‘Filmsplaining’ is most widespread,” Svenson added.

Frustrated sources re-affirmed the relevance of AMC’s new program.

“It’s like every movie theater has a ‘movie bro’ just talking away these days. Last time I saw a movie there was one guy explaining the cultural relevance of the Nicole Kidman ad,” moviegoer Jess Gunders opined. “It’s not only the endless commentary, they are also so damn loud. I honestly suspect that sometimes they speak louder on purpose, almost hoping others will hear facts that they clearly just read from IMDB Trivia in the bathroom. If I hear one more dude talk about how superhero films are ruining cinema, I’m never leaving my couch again.”

Rory Valdoon, the founder of the Well Actually Initiative, an advocacy group for cinephile boyfriends was quick to criticize AMC for their decision.

“This is prejudice, plain and simple. This is our Rosa Parks bus moment and we’re not backing down,” Mr. Valdoon relayed from his D.C. office while checking local matinee showtimes. “Nobody is standing up for these guys. Since when is loudly predicting plot beats with mouths full of popcorn considered a crime? We are well within our right to guess an actor’s filmography in a rambling fashion, unpack abstract moments in real-time, and make constant comparisons to ‘Heat.’”

In addition to offering the new fee, AMC has announced a Deluxe VIP “Cinephile Boyfriend” Experience. The soundproof domed seating area comes equipped with a “My Hollywood Podcasting Station,” allowing men to share “hot takes” into an unplugged microphone.

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