RIPLEY, England — Fans of controversial musician and vocalist Eric Clapton were openly concerned for the songwriter after releasing his new song ‘Tears In Heaven 2” earlier today, confirmed multiple sources who hope he installed a durable screen.
“There’s no God, but if there is, he hates me for something I’ve done,” Clapton explained, punching a pillow as he spoke. “That’s the only explanation. The first ‘Tears in Heaven’ was about a terrible tragedy, but this might be even worse. I know you’re thinking ‘Eric, what’s worse than a 4-year-old falling out the sodding window of an apartment on the 53rd floor?’ Well, you are going to have to listen to the song, this time I’m in too much pain to speak in metaphors, the lyrics are a strict play-by-play of the absolute bloodbath that inspired me to write it.”
Isaac Piggs, one of the producers of the new song said Clapton took multiple breaks during the recording process to go scream at the heavens.
“I’ve worked with Eric before and he’s always a bit unpleasant, all musicians his age are, but this time around I was working with a broken man. While we were tracking guitars he set up photos of what seemed like a crime scene and every time he would look at them he would puke,” said Piggs. “Then he would go outside and cry for 45 minutes before coming back in and trying again. It took seven weeks to record one song, and honestly, the whole thing sucks pretty bad. The first ‘Tears in Heaven’ is sad, but at least it’s a good song, this time around it’s just unpleasant.”
Notable music critics think that the topic of the song is a bad sign for Slowhand’s creative future.
“I just think it’s lazy,” claimed YouTube personality Kiper Durke. “You hate to see an artist as influential and talented as Mr. Clapton dwelling on his past success. It feels like a reunion tour none of us asked for, and it bodes poorly for his plans for the rest of his career. It’s like if the Red Hot Chili Peppers only sang about LA, and not Southern California in general. It’s lazy and tedious, and it’s not what his son would have wanted. I’ve never been more disappointed in a release since ‘The Last Last Waltz.’”
At press time, Clapton announced he started working on ‘Tears in Heaven 3’ which he says will be about “The biggest tragedy of all; vaccine mandates.”
There’s an interesting sort of thing that happens whenever baby boomer rockers make comeback albums. Because on these albums, they’re not just reckoning with their own sound, but reckoning with the groups that have come after them and taken influence. Much like how Christopher Nolan made “Oppenheimer” to reckon with the legions of douchebags that gravitated towards “Joker” for surrogate personalities. That’s the feel of “Drama of Exile,” a faster goth-rock and punk-forward record that feels touched by groups like Siouxsie and the Banshees, while also taking on a more ‘80s flavor. The result here, much like guacamole made by a depressive… is sadly mixed.
There is a really excellent scene in the biopic “Nico, 1988” (probably one of the only music biopics that does anything remotely creative or interesting) in which Nico (Trine Dyrholm) performs the song “My Heart is Empty” at an underground venue in Soviet East-Berlin, while her management flees from armed guards. That’s the flavor of Nico’s jazz-infused final album. It’s a record that doesn’t give up its secrets easily and seems to have the head-up-assness of some of the most pretentious new-wave acts. But there are some genuinely great moments in this one if one has the patience to look.
Speaking of excellent movie scenes, who can forget that moment in “The Royal Tenenbaums” when Gwyneth Paltrow’s Margot steps off the bus only to be greeted by her incest-driven adopted brother (Luke Wilson) and “These Days” starts to play? We certainly didn’t. “Chelsea Girl” is a classic. But maybe… just maybe, it’s a classic for some of the wrong reasons. The songs on here seem to showcase how others felt Nico’s career should go, with songs penned by folk icons like Jackson Brown and Bob Dylan and even some more avant-garde tracks by former V.U. bandmates. It’s a great album, it sounds good, it’s cozy. But there are deeper places Nico could go.
The last of Nico’s great gothic trilogy (and the darkest of them by far), “The End…” is a collection of moanings, wailings, tortures, hauntings, and banshee keenings. And you know something? I love it. Essentially a eulogy for Nico’s songwriting mentor Jim Morrison, this album features a creepy truly, creepy cover of “The End” by the Doors and “You Forgot to Answer” an account of Nico trying to reach Morrison just before she was informed of his death. This album is probably Nico’s most ambitious work, but much like a lasagna with a weird extra ingredient (probably zucchini or some shit) it’s too messy to be perfect. But then again, Nico is a V.U. vet. And what’s more Velvet Underground than a mess?
The launchpad to the Nico we know best, “The Marble Index” is, without doubt, one of the creepiest albums ever written. And its best song “Evening of Light” is so psychologically unnerving (with droning mandolins and monotone singing) that it’s honestly inadvisable to listen to it if you’re alone after dark. Still, many of Nico’s greatest… hits?… are on this record, including “Frozen Warnings” and “No One is There.” Ah yes. Nico’s greatest hits. You know how you always hear them on the radio? Those songs with the dissonant violins and the singing about demons? Songs of the summer here, folks.
As every middle-aged man points out before trying either Hims or truck-stop dick pills… it’s not the size that counts. It’s how you use it. In this case, Nico uses a not-quite-29-minute record to make her greatest cultural footprint. So much so that the English group Throbbing Gristle launched “The Desertshore Collective” a multi-day live performance of songs on this album. Which is perfect, both as an artistic vision and as a version of the Bad Place for the people who got trapped at Burning Man this year.
Kyle is a good friend and a virtuous person, which is exactly why he’s the last person you want to confide in with this. His strong moral compass will lead him to encourage you to report it to the police. And if you don’t, he probably will. Tattletale.
Of course Terrance would NEVER condone the cover-up of a death! How could you not know that?!
This morally strong son of a “Lord of the Rings” fan would not assist you in the burying of a body. If you sought his help, he’d open the door, take one look at the mess you got yourself into, wordlessly shake his head, and close the door. Hey, at least he wouldn’t tattle on you like Kyle.
Even at her most Cartmanette-esque, Heidi wouldn’t get herself involved. But don’t worry, she won’t be babbling about it on social media any time soon. You should probably just get out of here before her jacked dad hears you.
No way. Gobbles is too pure.
Timmy is one of the most morally-fortified characters in South Park. If you told him you needed help hiding a body, he’d be shocked. He’d sit you down and have a long talk with you about taking responsibility for your actions and calmly hand you a phone with “911” already dialed. He could never snitch either, but for different reasons than some of the other people on this list.
This private school snob wouldn’t deign to lift a finger and help another person unless it got him lots of clout for his politics. Disgusting. We bet he’s definitely had a few bodies buried for him though.
Baby Fark McGeezax (or “McG” for short) would absolutely tell you he’ll help you hide a body. That is, until he reveals that it was all part of a long con to see your true nature and what you’re capable of. Because of you, humanity will never get to join the intergalactic federation of planets. Thanks a lot.
Liane has a strict moral code so she would never cross such a line. Unless you’re her little poopsie-kins. In that case, she’ll do the killing, the burying, and the jail time if necessary.
Despite the alarming amount of firesetting and laughing at others’ misery, Kenny actually lives a pretty moral life and would be likely to talk you through your problems. He’d encourage you to go to the authorities but he’d also give you a few good ideas for hiding spots.
Funnybot is the best comedian to come out of Germany since Michael Mittermeier. Sure, he’s no Olaf Schubert, but Funnybot can make any crowd uber-lachen. Unfortunately, he won’t help you hide a body. Who do you think he is, Bülent Ceylan?!
You all know the song! “Mr. Hankey, the Christmas poo. He loves me and I love you. Therefore he’ll help you hide a body.” With lyrics like that, you’d think this choo-choo riding poo-poo would be the first one with a shovel at the ready. But Mr. Hankey is more talk than walk. Besides, he’s always working. He’s the type to say yes to something he knows damn well he can’t fully commit to.
This cluster of deus-ex-crustaceans will stop at nothing to take over the human race, assuming we can’t think of who else it might be. They will happily hide any human body, but pretty soon they’ll be hiding yours too.
Sea-Man is a superhero bound by the code of the Super Best Friends. A defender of truth and virtue, Sea-Man would never agree to take on your load. Heh. Along with his life partner, Swallow, Sea-Man would instead cleanse you with his salty seafoam and blow you dry with the force of Neptune himself. Swallow would help you out though.
We’re not saying Captain Hindsight wouldn’t help hide a body. We’re just saying he’d get too caught up on how we should have done things differently so that we didn’t end up in this situation to begin with.
Always one to stand up for what’s right, Wendy Testaburger would not sit idly by as a crime went unreported. She’d tell you she’s gonna help out, but that’s just luring you into a trap for law enforcement. However, if she believed law enforcement was corrupt and that you were just a patsy, taking the fall for a corrupt mayor, cop, or hall monitor, then she’d at least keep lookout.
All jokes aside—which may be tough for the hilarious Jimmy Valmer—Jimmy is a stand-up guy. He’d keep your secret but he’s not helping you hide that body unless it’s gonna help him either win a comedy award or get some strange.
While his best friend Kyle may be iron-clad in his belief system, Stan Marsh is more of a blank page when it comes to morality. Sometimes his decisions are based on self-interest. But often, they are for the greater good, even if it means making a personal sacrifice. Stan might help you hide a dead body, but you better have a good reason for it being dead.
With few exceptions, Chef is the only adult in South Park who’s looking out for the children’s best interest. This one’s simple. If you’re a kid, Chef will do anything to keep you protected even if it means breaking a few laws. But if you’re an adult, you can go fudge yourself now.
Linda has proven her willingness and ability to cover up capital offenses on several occasions. However, these were all instances of self-interest. She’d definitely help you hide her piece of shit husband’s body though. Hell, she might even provide the body.
Bebe is yet another South Park resident who has gone to dangerous and illegal lengths to keep a conspiracy secret. So unless you’re hiding the body of some busybody elementary schooler who can’t keep their trap shut, Bebe’s not the one.
2005 was a sort-of-not-as-good-sequel to 1994 in that many bands with the word “punk” in their description blew the hell up to the point of being on TRL often; Fall Out Boy, My Chemical Romance, and John Denver all put the “pop” in “pop-punk” or any other subgenre that is synonymous with this world in the mid-aughts. Sadly, Goldfinger didn’t really get any bigger this year, and this LP and other external factors about the post-Napster industry are both likely to blame for such. Honestly, albums one through four are the band’s peak LPs, but their fifth and last major label LP, “Disconnection Notice, ” likely, for lack of a better word disconnected, and in a witty non-Black Flag reference, damaged hardcore GF fans sans any notice altogether. Luckily the band’s 2008 record we are discussing next, and its two other 2010-and-beyond follow-ups weren’t as uncomfortable of a listen.
Goldfinger’s sixth album “Hello Destiny…” features an ellipsis as well as Bert McCracken of The Used, Monique Powell of Save Ferris, and Sergei “Punk AF” Rachmaninoff of Winger. The record is also the first/last GF release to come out via SideOneDummy Records, former home to The Gaslight Anthem, Jeff Rosenstock, and current home to an idiot laying on his side. Also, there is another feature that we won’t shout out because the singer is a deplorable cum dump, and that’s putting it EXTREMELY mildly, but Google and Wikipedia are both fun ventures, so take a gander if you’re feeling frisky; you likely won’t be very amused and you will eventually say goodbye to the idea of this individual being considered a human. Anyway, “Hello Destiny…” is definitely closer to the Goldfinger that you know/love like a milkshake, but the next six LPs to be mentioned are far better.
We hear that this is John Feldmann’s favorite Goldfinger album, and while we can’t fault him for such, we won’t say the same one out loud, and we hope that this ranking gets you what you need. Goldfinger became such a tight supergroup that one cannot cut ‘em with a knife on, err, “The Knife,” and new members Philip “Moon Valjean” Sneed formerly of Story of the Year rocks it on guitar/vocals, Mike Herrera currently/likely always of MxPx kills it on bass/vocals, and Travis Barker of hip-hop fame beats hits the drums hard. Eventually, Nick Gross of girlfriends joined the fold along with former/now current GF lead guitarist Charlie Paulson just one album later. Speaking of features, this record is a ska-punk hippity hop LP with members of One OK Rock, 311, blink-182, and Blue Oyster Cult playing the silver triangle like only Will Ferrell can.
Goldfingers newest and eighth LP, and first for Feldy’s, Nick Gross’, and former Vagrant Records’ executive Jon Cohen’s label Big Noise, is the band’s best since 2002, and that is not a joke! Big Noise also features The Used, 408, and The Shirelles, and has its own publishing and sync team, making the label a force in 2023 and beyond… An infinite one! Back to “Never Look”: Feldy must really like Save Ferris’ Monique Powell, as she proved that she was so much more than a Dexys Midnight Runners cover on both this and “Hello Destiny…” with a feature that hearkens to the golden days of the late-90s. Careful what you wish for, eh? Sowry for such a dumb question. We can’t wait for GF’s ninth album “Always Ignore Front,” which will be released in late-2024 after diarrhea stain Captain Covfefe wins in 2024.
In late-1999 Goldfinger released the epically to some, and meh for others cover record titled “Darrin’s Coconut Ass: Live from Omaha,” which has a sterling and satisfying cover of The Police’s underrated gem “Man in a Suitcase” from their also-underappreciated 1980 LP “Zenyatta Mondatta,” which, food for thought, is a mish-mosh title that apparently means “everything,” and just a few months later in March 2000 GF’s third LP “Stomping Ground” hit stores. Fun fact: The Japanese version of “Stomping Ground” also features some cover songs consisting of former drummer Darrin Pfeiffer’s booty, The Who, The Specials, and Morbid Angel. Back TO the US but not IN the USSR: Tracks one through six would’ve also made a sick EP, and if you think it’s a joke, bro, you are going to need some forgiveness, so get away and don’t say goodbye unless you want to pick a fight with us.
Angry Goldfinger is truly good Goldfinger, and “Open Your Eyes,” the band’s fourth album, is without question the band’s best LP from this century. Here is a youthful thesis statement for fathers from the band that encompasses many of the visually and aurally biting themes from “Open Your Eyes”: Fuck dads, love Wayne Gretzky, and utilize your spank bank every January… It’s good for your life! Furthermore, it’s also quite cool that over twenty years later in the year of our lord known as 2023, the band still opens some shows with our “play it again” track “Spokesman,” which cuts wood quicker than a woodchuck could ever hope to. On a serious note, the title track “Open Your Eyes” is a sad-but-true animal rights song explicitly listing the horrors of animal agriculture. Still, regardless of whether you’re a vegan, vegetarian, pescatarian, or carnivore, this album has something for everyone, except Ted Nugent.
This is the one that started it all, and it still really holds up! The only non-Feldy produced Goldfinger LP is self-titled for a reason. Easter egg for all denominations: Nearly twenty-five years after “Goldfinger” came out, the alien babe from its album cover also appears on the band’s newest LP “Never Look Back,” thus bookending the space lady as queen for a day, month, year, and century! Also, “Here In Your Bedroom,” featuring one of the coolest and poorly covered bass lines of all time, was a legit hit for the four-piece, and “Mable,” featuring puppy dogs, flowers, trees, Charlie’s package, and curly hair reminiscent of Annie, was a minor one. To showcase our love for this perfect LP and its follow-up below, there are no “skip it” tracks listed for either. Please stay.
Post-WWII, Americans were comfortable that evil had been vanquished in 1945 even though racism, sexism, homophobia, and puritanical values thrived in the states. Scholastic reminded us when Ax took the form of a rattlesnake and bit a fellow Andalite in an attempt to kill Visser Three that sometimes America treads on itself.
In this book, the Animorphs and a band of well-intended space extremists require a human shield to save them from dying at the hands of the Yeerks. Scholastic wanted us to remember that fascists will murder and imprison the most vulnerable members of society first as a way to consolidate power.
In 2023, America is literally a sick horse stumbling around the midwestern plain states, but everyone is too focused on Martians to see what’s really going on. Coincidentally, that is exactly how this book from 1997 starts. The only problem is that we can’t horse morph to get away from all this bullshit. I really wish I could fucking horse morph.
In this subversive check on the pulse of fascism in the United States, the Yeerks have set up a logging company and are deforesting in an attempt to find Andelites in hiding. If that doesn’t sound like industry being used to punish and exploit dissidents, I clearly don’t understand metaphors.
You couldn’t foreshadow the coming of Donald Trump any better than writing a sci-fi YA fantasy novel where the heroes need to break into a Marriott Resort. AND WHILE THEY’RE IN THE RESORT, THE FUCKING ANIMORPHS DISCOVER SECRET DOCUMENTS WITH PLANS TO OVERTHROW THE GOVERNMENT, YOU GUYS.
It fits the bill, but “Mom and Dad” is a concept so close to “Go to work” in my brain that this one does nothing for me in terms of distracting me from my horrible fate.
Sure, it’s fun, but it’s still a movie about someone who’s at work, which is the last thing I need. I would be too preoccupied with thoughts like “fuck my life” and “Isn’t clopening supposed to be illegal?” to get into this one.
No matter how many times I watch this movie, it never quite registers in my brain. It’s confounding that a movie about a space duck is this boring. Plus I think the duck winds up sleeping with the lady? And it’s a Marvel movie? The confusion to comfort level is way off here.
Not the fantasy movie I need, but probably the one I deserve. Krull is a mess. It’s got a lead actor who smiles like he’s won a contest the whole time, who wields “The Glaive,” a magical, unnecessarily complicated pocket knife, to defeat aliens who ride horses. How is something that weird this boring?
Nice cozy Saturday morning kids show energy completely devoid of plot, “Megaforce” would be the perfect thing to finally lull me to sleep if not for the cornball dialogue and dated ‘80s misogyny making it occasionally jarring and, if I’m being honest, funny.
Just let this movie whisk you away to a time when it was just you and your friends on bikes pretending to do missions and stuff, blissfully unaware of student loans, economic recessions and utility shut-off notices.
What could be cozier than harkening back to a time before kids knew the Nintendo Power Glove sucked shit?
Part “Conan The Barbarian,” part “Dr. Doolittle,” all Dar. ‘The Beastmaster” is a wonderful slice of cheesy ‘80s escapism, slightly soured by your adult mind wondering how well all those animals were treated on set.
It won’t give you the desperately needed rapid eye movement that keeps your sanity intact, but watching “Tank Girl” is maybe the closest you can come to having a dream while still awake. The logic of this movie is insane. There are inexplicable jumps in the action, animations that may or may not be happening in the world, 4th wall breaks, Ice T as a mutant kangaroo and heavily implied beastiality. It’s a mess, and so are you.
Asking yourself “Can Val Kilmer and his crew use their kid genius intellect and precociousness to stop the evil government laser in time?” is a lot more fun than asking yourself “Am I working with creepy Mike all day tomorrow?”
It’s sort of like “Nightbreed” for kids, or “Monster’s Inc.” with cozy practical effects. Just let blue Howie Mandel drag you under the bed to a magical world where… you know what actually I just talked myself out of this one.
There was a time before toxic internet fandom where movie versions of established IP didn’t have to answer to anybody. If it weren’t for everyone calling Ivan Drago “He-Man” you wouldn’t even know this was supposed to be a He-Man movie, but that’s what makes it singular, weird and great. Go ahead and bask in the glow of this bonkers Cannon Films epic before schlupping off to work and listening to your nerd coworkers complain that Admiral Thrawn in Ahsoka doesn’t accurately hold up to the Star Wars Legends continuity, whatever the hell that means.
What better place to escape to than the magical land of Oz? And why settle for the for the cutesy Judie Garland version of Oz when you can have this fucking madness? Watching the alienating, confusing and horrifying spectacle that is “Return to Oz” is perfect conditioning for the sleepless 8-hour shift that awaits you.
You remember “Clash of the Titans,” don’t you? Sure you do! Back in the days of cable TV, when you were home sick from school desperately channel surfing for something that would appeal to you? It was this or “Price is Right” and at least this had monsters and stuff, so you watched it? Watching it now will awaken those memories and subconsciously tell your body “I am being comforted” and “Something is wrong,” both true!
Ninjutsu, surfing, a magical Sega Game Gear and the guy from the “Naked Gun” movies for some reason. It’s all here, ready to get that sweet sweet nostalgia dopamine flowing enough to make you think “Maybe another 8-hour round of dealing with coworkers I’m sick of and the uncaffeinated public isn’t the fate worse than death I’m making it out to be.” Maybe.