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Every Goldfinger Album Ranked Worst To Best

Goldfinger formed in 1994, just as the punk rock boom took America by storm with stalwarts like Green Day, The Offspring, and “The Lion King” soundtrack leading the charge, and released a self-titled full-length studio album just two years later at the literal perfect time to do so. Question: Any particular reason why? Answers here: Sublime and No Doubt both blew the hell up around this time, and third-wave ska-punk or whatever the hell you want to call it became actual mainstream music. Too late? If only. GF, by proxy and talent, joined said club along with The Mighty Mighty Bosstones, Reel Big Fish, Rotting Christ, and other upstroke-y pick-it-up pick-it-up pork pie hat oversized suit-wearing bands. We attempted to rank all eight LPs below, and this is the first and last time that we will bring Tony Hawk up moving forward:

8. Disconnection Notice (2005)

2005 was a sort-of-not-as-good-sequel to 1994 in that many bands with the word “punk” in their description blew the hell up to the point of being on TRL often; Fall Out Boy, My Chemical Romance, and John Denver all put the “pop” in “pop-punk” or any other subgenre that is synonymous with this world in the mid-aughts. Sadly, Goldfinger didn’t really get any bigger this year, and this LP and other external factors about the post-Napster industry are both likely to blame for such. Honestly, albums one through four are the band’s peak LPs, but their fifth and last major label LP, “Disconnection Notice, ” likely, for lack of a better word disconnected, and in a witty non-Black Flag reference, damaged hardcore GF fans sans any notice altogether. Luckily the band’s 2008 record we are discussing next, and its two other 2010-and-beyond follow-ups weren’t as uncomfortable of a listen.

Play it again: “My Everything”
Skip it: “Faith”

7. Hello Destiny… (2008)

Goldfinger’s sixth album “Hello Destiny…” features an ellipsis as well as Bert McCracken of The Used, Monique Powell of Save Ferris, and Sergei “Punk AF” Rachmaninoff of Winger. The record is also the first/last GF release to come out via SideOneDummy Records, former home to The Gaslight Anthem, Jeff Rosenstock, and current home to an idiot laying on his side. Also, there is another feature that we won’t shout out because the singer is a deplorable cum dump, and that’s putting it EXTREMELY mildly, but Google and Wikipedia are both fun ventures, so take a gander if you’re feeling frisky; you likely won’t be very amused and you will eventually say goodbye to the idea of this individual being considered a human. Anyway, “Hello Destiny…” is definitely closer to the Goldfinger that you know/love like a milkshake, but the next six LPs to be mentioned are far better.

Play it again: “Get Up”
Skip it: “War” purely for its aforementioned feature

6. The Knife (2017)

We hear that this is John Feldmann’s favorite Goldfinger album, and while we can’t fault him for such, we won’t say the same one out loud, and we hope that this ranking gets you what you need. Goldfinger became such a tight supergroup that one cannot cut ‘em with a knife on, err, “The Knife,” and new members Philip “Moon Valjean” Sneed formerly of Story of the Year rocks it on guitar/vocals, Mike Herrera currently/likely always of MxPx kills it on bass/vocals, and Travis Barker of hip-hop fame beats hits the drums hard. Eventually, Nick Gross of girlfriends joined the fold along with former/now current GF lead guitarist Charlie Paulson just one album later. Speaking of features, this record is a ska-punk hippity hop LP with members of One OK Rock, 311, blink-182, and Blue Oyster Cult playing the silver triangle like only Will Ferrell can.

Play it again: “Tijuana Sunrise”
Skip it: “Orthodontist Girl” (featuring Josh Dun of Twenty One Pilots)

5. Never Look Back (2020)

Goldfingers newest and eighth LP, and first for Feldy’s, Nick Gross’, and former Vagrant Records’ executive Jon Cohen’s label Big Noise, is the band’s best since 2002, and that is not a joke! Big Noise also features The Used, 408, and The Shirelles, and has its own publishing and sync team, making the label a force in 2023 and beyond… An infinite one! Back to “Never Look”: Feldy must really like Save Ferris’ Monique Powell, as she proved that she was so much more than a Dexys Midnight Runners cover on both this and “Hello Destiny…” with a feature that hearkens to the golden days of the late-90s. Careful what you wish for, eh? Sowry for such a dumb question. We can’t wait for GF’s ninth album “Always Ignore Front,” which will be released in late-2024 after diarrhea stain Captain Covfefe wins in 2024.

Play it again: “Infinite”
Skip it: “Dumb”

4. Stomping Ground (2000)

In late-1999 Goldfinger released the epically to some, and meh for others cover record titled “Darrin’s Coconut Ass: Live from Omaha,” which has a sterling and satisfying cover of The Police’s underrated gem “Man in a Suitcase” from their also-underappreciated 1980 LP “Zenyatta Mondatta,” which, food for thought, is a mish-mosh title that apparently means “everything,” and just a few months later in March 2000 GF’s third LP “Stomping Ground” hit stores. Fun fact: The Japanese version of “Stomping Ground” also features some cover songs consisting of former drummer Darrin Pfeiffer’s booty, The Who, The Specials, and Morbid Angel. Back TO the US but not IN the USSR: Tracks one through six would’ve also made a sick EP, and if you think it’s a joke, bro, you are going to need some forgiveness, so get away and don’t say goodbye unless you want to pick a fight with us.

Play it again: “Counting the Days”
Skip it: “Margaret Ann”

3. Open Your Eyes (2002)

Angry Goldfinger is truly good Goldfinger, and “Open Your Eyes,” the band’s fourth album, is without question the band’s best LP from this century. Here is a youthful thesis statement for fathers from the band that encompasses many of the visually and aurally biting themes from “Open Your Eyes”: Fuck dads, love Wayne Gretzky, and utilize your spank bank every January… It’s good for your life! Furthermore, it’s also quite cool that over twenty years later in the year of our lord known as 2023, the band still opens some shows with our “play it again” track “Spokesman,” which cuts wood quicker than a woodchuck could ever hope to. On a serious note, the title track “Open Your Eyes” is a sad-but-true animal rights song explicitly listing the horrors of animal agriculture. Still, regardless of whether you’re a vegan, vegetarian, pescatarian, or carnivore, this album has something for everyone, except Ted Nugent.

Play it again: “Spokesman”
Skip it: “Spank Bank”

2. Self-Titled (1996)

This is the one that started it all, and it still really holds up! The only non-Feldy produced Goldfinger LP is self-titled for a reason. Easter egg for all denominations: Nearly twenty-five years after “Goldfinger” came out, the alien babe from its album cover also appears on the band’s newest LP “Never Look Back,” thus bookending the space lady as queen for a day, month, year, and century! Also, “Here In Your Bedroom,” featuring one of the coolest and poorly covered bass lines of all time, was a legit hit for the four-piece, and “Mable,” featuring puppy dogs, flowers, trees, Charlie’s package, and curly hair reminiscent of Annie, was a minor one. To showcase our love for this perfect LP and its follow-up below, there are no “skip it” tracks listed for either. Please stay.

Play it again: “Mind’s Eye” to the very, very end
Skip it: A random Jerky Boys song on any other Jerky Boys LP after their third record, which surprisingly went gold, and in an even more shocking fashion, the prolific duo’s first and second both went platinum; Sol Rosenberg could never happen today, by the way

1. Hang-Ups (1997)

Since we are the gospel of truth and authority on all things music, film, and rotary phones: “Hang-Ups” is so good that electricity, the act of love, and swine worship every song and hidden track, of which there are several bonus goodies. Goldfinger’s sophomore album is far from a slump, your humps, or a tree stump, and it isn’t just us who agree; it’s every superhero except for the creepy, creepy imp soaked in various liquids known as Aquaman. It’s never too late to discover and/or revisit this LP, and we need to know if you agree with us in the comments. Normally said verbiage is a lonely place of dark depression and flawed insight, so please change such. Or don’t; if only you had a brain. All kidding for you, or lack of kidding for everyone else aside, “Hang-Ups” is one of the better albums from the ‘90s.

Play it again: “Superman” to the very, very end
Skip it: Aquaman