NUTLEY, N.J. — Local retired baby boomer Grant Walters confirmed that the “something to cry about” threat he used to scare his children decades ago was not about physical violence, but the paltry economic prospects his generation left behind, sources working multiple jobs to barely afford rent confirmed.
“I remember it just like it was yesterday,” said Walters as he opened the second fridge in his garage to stock it up with his latest haul from Costco. “My youngest son was crying because his older brother broke his ‘Power Rangers’ toy, and it made me so mad to see my boy crying like that. I told him ‘Men don’t cry or show emotion.’ And then told him if he didn’t quit his whimpering I’d show him what real pain was. But what he didn’t know at the time was that I’d devote the rest of my life to fighting against minimum wage increases, weakening social safety net programs, and making sure climate change really took off while I was in an air-conditioned nursing home.”
Overworked and underpaid millennial Bryce McFadden is upset about his own current financial situation but only has time to cry about it in the bathroom during his 30-minute unpaid break at his third job.
“Every adult told us that we’d make an extra million dollars throughout our lives if we got a degree. But here I am with a $300,000 master’s degree in Literature, and working about 90 hours a week with no benefits. I’m one toothache away from being homeless, and I’m probably going to die on a Best Buy sales floor when I’m 76 years old,” said McFadden. “Last time I complained about my struggle to get ahead, my parents told me I should have thought about that before buying the iPhone that I need to work as an Uber driver.”
Esteemed Gen-X Sociology Professor Eric Hawkley is sympathetic to the plight of Millennials and Gen Z but urges them to bide their time.
“The Boomers are dying off in staggering amounts, and most of them don’t have great relationships with their children. That’s an area you can exploit,” asserted Hawkley. “These Boomers have been hoarding assets their entire life, they would love to be buried with their classic cars and vacation homes, but that’s just not realistic. This is where any Millennial can pose as a lawyer, get a dying Boomer to sign over the power of attorney, and then cash in. If you just hang out by old folk’s homes long enough you can make it happen.”
At press time, Walters was spotted trying to plug an HDMI cable into his newly acquired smart oven.