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Band Reminds Audience Not to Make Eye Contact With Touring Guitarist

SEATTLE — Long-running punk outfit Wrought Iron Spleen chastised their audience at High Dive for making eye contact with substitute touring guitarist Leroy Paul, fans reported.

“Hey, HEY! Eyes up here on me, okay? Do not look at Leroy, he is absolutely NOT in Wrought Iron Spleen,” shouted singer Riley “Scotch” Smith, who begrudgingly hired Leroy Paul after realizing they can’t sing and play guitar solos at the same time. “He is basically a temp worker, and he won’t be here forever. Unfortunately there’s no room offstage for him, so he has to stand with us tonight on the real stage. Usually he’s behind a curtain. Just ignore him, or we’ll leave him here and it’s your problem.”

Paul expressed gratitude at being hired for Wrought Iron Spleen’s West Coast Tour while also articulating some reservations about the situation.

“I’m just, uh, happy to be here I guess. It’s fine, I don’t need any credit for the years of practice I put into guitar and my ability to memorize an entire band’s catalog of music in less than a week,” sighed Paul, who was reportedly heard calling his mom in Rhode Island asking her to pick him up. “I don’t mind that they routinely tell me that I’m not in the band, but it’d be nice if they at least gave me a shout out during band introductions before the last song. And it’s just awkward when they don’t let me sit at their table in Taco Bell or enter the green room. Look, I’m a person! And I’m playing all the hard parts! Stop being so mean.”

Experienced musicians offered some advice to bands who must hire a touring member due to circumstances beyond their control.

“It may sound callous, but you can’t even begin to let them think they’re part of the band. Or human,” explained Green Day frontman Billie Joe Armstrong. “We’ve had two dudes named Jason- I think that’s their names?- on retainer for decades now. And each day on tour, one of us watches as these guys make a pledge that they do NOT believe they are members of Green Day. Otherwise, they start expecting more money or comfortable lodgings and there’s no going back. How do you think Todd Morse joined The Offspring? Tragic. I can’t believe they let that happen.”

As of press time, many touring musicians have unionized to demand better recognition, led by touring bassists of Interpol, Paramore, The Who, Ghost, and boygenius.