Department of Education Replaced with Giant iPad Playing “Bluey”

Posted on by Tim Sheard

LEBANON, Kan. — The Trump administration announced that the Department of Education has been wholly replaced by a giant iPad playing a constant stream of “Bluey” under recent federal budget cuts, confirmed sources.

“Your kid is going to like it. And if they don’t, there are plenty of other countries you can hightail it to, traitor,” shared 22-year-old DOGE representative Colt Bowerhaus in between asking ChatGPT what various government departments do. “Our education system is now a mile-high iPad in Lebanon, Kansas, the exact center of our nation. This allows everyone to flock to a central point, creating an equal opportunity those socialist dems could never achieve. Plus, it keeps education decisions away from coastal elites. ‘Bluey’ contains everything a developing child, pre-teen, even teenager needs, despite unfortunately not being a domestic product. Just look at me, I turned out perfectly.”

Parent Cindy Litchfeld, sipping a Budweiser while scrolling, is pleased with the development.

“It’s so much easier to check my Instagram with those kids glued to the mile-high ‘Bluey’ iPad, necks craned up to the sky. It’s like they’re talking with God! We just let them wander under the monolith’s shadow, following shade from morning to night until it’s bedtime, ” said Litchfield. “We’ve got high school coming up with my oldest, Trevor, and I know those college essays are gonna be a cakewalk with everyone writing about a family of Australian cattle dogs. I never really knew math to begin with, so it makes life a hell of a lot easier when they ask for homework help. Love the new curriculum. MLK, Lincoln, Dwight D. Reisenvelt? Blah blah, boring! How about Mom, Dad, Bluey, and Bingo. What more does a kid need?”

Covering America’s entire academic K-12 offering, education reporter Amber Jarraway visited the tablet.

“We saw teachers protesting outside the giant iPad, all now mysteriously disappeared. The children haven’t seemed to notice, still glued to the screen. They even ignore constant avian collisions with the display. What’s alarming is that historic events can now only be comprehended through this new prism,” said Jarraway. “Any discussion of 9/11 remains abstract, but if you make the airplane into a little Bluey with a propeller, crashing into two giant skyscraper Blueys, basic knowledge of the event is comprehended. Unless reinterpreted via this incredibly popular Aussie cartoon, it’s like our history never occurred.”

At press time, DOGE requested that the iPad intermittently play Tesla ads and historic pro-America newsreels, with a pop-up of Miss Rachel explaining what’s happening on screen.

Grindcore Drummer Assures Jealous Girlfriend That Being in a Band Has Yet to Result in Female Attention

Posted on by Chris Bratton

COTTAGE GROVE, Ore. — Local grindcore drummer Jermaine Anderson assured his girlfriend Tatiana Wayford that being in his band has yet to result in attention from women, confirmed sources who seconded that.

“There’s just something about the unrelenting blast beats and unintelligible vocals of the grindcore genre that repel women,” said Anderson while adding more blood to the band’s logo concept. “In fact, my last three girlfriends broke up with me after I showed them our demo. Our shows are 99% sweaty guys who are only there because their band goes on next. So yeah, we’re not exactly living in some sex-filled Mötley Crüe-esque orgy reality. In fact, our groupies are mainly just 20-year-old dudes who say ‘hell yeah’ to us after our set. If anything, I got a girlfriend in spite of being in a grindcore band.”

Wayford admits that she doesn’t quite believe her boyfriend.

“Are you trying to tell me that a man will go through all that trouble of learning an instrument, finding other guys to start a band with, and crafting actual songs, and he’s not using that to his sexual advantage? That can’t be the case,” said Wayford while going through Anderson’s phone and only seeing texts from the same three guys. “If I know anything about music it’s that the people who make it are perennially horny. Sure, Jermaine and I don’t even have sex but that’s mainly because I’ve been entirely too turned off after he told me his band name is Prix Fixe Amniotic Fluids. So gross.”

Experts noted a long track record of similar instances.

“It’s a common myth that guys in bands are having sex 24 hours a day,” said music historian Gwendolyn Dipper. “When you tell a prospective mate that you are in a band, it actually signals to them that you do not possess the desirable qualities in a partner, like mental stability or financial well-being. It’s actually a great way to weed out potential lovers. Let’s be real, no one has less sex in the universe than prog-rock bassists. Grindcore drummers are not far behind.”

At press time, the band was seen at a show almost getting the attention of a woman but it was only the bartender asking if they wanted another round of drinks.

I Became ‘California Sober’ Because I Don’t Enjoy Alcohol but Still Want To Talk About Me

Posted on by Amy Ash

Sure, most people occasionally unwind with a drink or go to happy hour after work but I’m on a very different journey than “most people.” I’ve never really enjoyed getting drunk like the masses, but I do like getting high, which is why I could not be prouder to announce that I have become “California sober.” It’s been a long road, but I am proud to say I have reached my sixth week of telling people about it.

Being “California sober” is a very special form of sobriety. It means you do not drink alcohol, but you do consume weed products. It’s become a useful term for the growing number of people who don’t drink but still want to have stressful memory gaps. I chose this path for the sake of health and holistic wellness and because it gives me so many opportunities to talk about me.

For instance, I like to vape weed cartridges and consume edibles because smoking flower makes my house smell bad, yet I still smoke cigarettes, which I think is very quirky of me. Kind of like my vape battery covered in incongruously cute stickers even though it’s used for weed: so random! It’s not every day you meet someone who does one recreational drug but not another, but here I am, pioneering a way of life.

I’m not ashamed to explain this to anyone – not you, not my podiatrist, not the mailman. And I hope to inspire others with my Instagram feed of expensive, boutique weed paraphernalia. People like me have turned away from blacking out as a form of mindless oblivion and chosen instead to merely forget what we were worried about, or saying, or thinking 12 seconds ago.

It hasn’t always been easy. You bring up quitting alcohol, and people think it’s an invitation to talk about how addiction has indelibly touched their lives and caused unspeakable pain to their loved ones. They think I want to hear them brag about how their own sobriety has saved their life and family. OK? But I thought we were in agreement that it was time to talk about something that’s interesting to everyone: me, and my journey here in the LA dispensary scene.

Despite this, I remain committed to the lifestyle, at least until I get really into microdosing something else while barefoot running.

Trump Gaining Momentum Among 9-Year-Olds Whose Parents Suck

Posted on by Jeff Bender

HAMDEN, Conn. — A new Quinnipiac University poll suggested that President Trump’s approval ratings hit an all-time high among nine-year-olds whose parents are total dogshit, scrupulous sources reported.

“Where were we four years ago? Starting down a devastating path of unmerited DEI initiatives, watching Ukraine attack Russia, and demanding President Biden to kill our babies,” said Winston Cruz, a fourth-grader at Edison Elementary and a member of the beading club, to what he calls his Juicebox Posse. “The woke mind virus is eating the United States from the inside, and King Trump is the only one who can successfully kill it. Meanwhile former Vice President Kama-LIES demanded only mental patients and convicts cross our border from Mexico. Sorry, America.”

Cruz’s teacher, Edward Peet, admitted he wasn’t very political but was really impressed with the nine-year-old’s retention.

“Especially since he’s shown no evidence of having completed a Language Arts assignment this year. He brags to his classmates about watching OAN all evening and morning and not doing the reading or studying for spelling quizzes. But somehow, I don’t know, he’s kind of a genius when it comes to the political spectrum or so he thinks,” said Peet. “I’ve been coming in five minutes early just so I can catch up on the news. I’m kind of afraid of him, and I really don’t want to meet his parents, so I just give him pluses on everything. By the way, he recently taught me that Barack Obama invented polio.”

Conservative political strategist Beth Hansen confirmed that reaching America’s nine-year-olds has been on the GOP agenda for the past 11 years but has only recently found traction thanks to the current “relatable” President.

“Kids in Republican homes generally know more about the political climate than anyone, seeing as Fox News is on 24 hours a day and their parents are rarely home or are mentally checked out,” said Hansen, who managed Governor Kasich’s 2016 campaign. “They often enter into a transactional relationship with their parents, supplying heavily biased ‘facts’ while the parents instill a general spirit of bigotry, fear, gossip, and overall disregard for reality. It’s clear that the 2028 election will be decided by our nation’s non-voters.”

At press time, Cruz was seen studying the week’s cafeteria menu and lamenting the absence of chicken corn dogs before saying “Thanks, Biden” to anyone within earshot.

Punk Time Capsule Just Filled With Drugs

Posted on by Jason VanSlycke

PORTLAND, Ore. — A time capsule that a local punk buried 25 years ago was recently unearthed and discovered to have been filled with nothing but drugs, confirmed highly intrigued sources.

“Typically, we honor time by celebrating a past that we find ourselves removed from,” said Mayor Walace Tracy. “Some time capsules remind us of technology we once depended on that is now laughably quaint like a Discman or a Tamagotchi. Other time capsules contain newspapers and magazines to remind us of pop culture trends of the past such as the Bill Clinton scandal or the Jonathan Taylor Thomas phenomenon. This time capsule is full of narcotics, methamphetamines, psychedelics, cannabis, and bath salts. Turns out, drugs never age. The same can’t be said about Beanie Babies and Spin Doctors CDs.”

One local punk was brave enough to come forward and claim the time capsule, which authorities returned assuming there’s no chance any of it was still psychoactive after being underground for more than two decades.

“Oh shit, is that where I put my stash? Can’t believe I buried it instead of those Pokémon cards, I must have been tripping so hard,” recalled Suzi Renita. “There’s, like, a whole sheet of acid in here. And a bag of shitty weed full of seeds. Remember when you’d buy weed and you had to spend an hour pulling out all the seeds? Wow, it really makes you think about how far we’ve come as a society. It also makes you wonder whether LSD and cocaine have expiration dates. Only one way to find out.”

Local sociologist Gemma Bobbie reflected on time capsules as a chance to reconnect with a past that may have fallen prey to our social amnesia.

“A few decades ago massive technological progress would happen once a generation, at best,” said Bobbie. “But with our current age of exponential advancements we find that, ugh, sorry, these shrooms taste like shit. Where was I? The myopia of our current news cycles has forced us to live in the present for so long that we find ourselves often forgetting that we even have a rich history filled with really potent illegal substances that often pair well with Alan Watts recordings. Either way, drugs belong circulating in your bloodstream, not a few feet underground.”

At press time, another time capsule buried by a gaggle of local goths was discovered to be a box full of random bones and a fully decomposed crow.

Ten Out of Ten Voices in Your Head Agree That You Should Grab the Gun Out of This Cop’s Holster

Posted on by Ben Friedman

With so many dubious reports and “studies” flooding our news channels and social media, it is damn near impossible to reach a consensus on anything. So when a fact-based, independent report comes out where all parties involved are in complete agreement, you’d better believe it demands attention. If this consensus is indeed true, it could be the most significant breakthrough in modern thought since Jean-Paul Sartre invented hipsters.

The experts have spoken: ten out of ten voices in your head unequivocally agree you should grab the gun out of this cop’s holster.

This is a significant breakthrough. Rather than being driven insane trying to fight the voices goading you into spontaneous outbursts in public, the scattered fragments of your broken psyche have all agreed the cop waiting in line ahead of you at the deli would be pleased as punch if you snatched the gun from his waist and started waving it around wildly.

This is a huge step up from the time only eight out of the ten voices told you to steal a security guard’s taser and zap yourself in the nuts because you needed to be punished. We’re talking light-years of progress.

The congregation of experts who’ve manifested within your consciousness unanimously agree that the feeling of cold steel in your hands will allow you to, if just for a fleeting moment, become God. Why even worry about the consequences? If you have their gun, you’ll be in charge, and you’ll make the laws, and they’ll be powerless to stop you. Granted, this study was conducted in an open-carry state, but it’s safe to assume everyone else in this establishment is also getting itchy the longer you ignore the voices.

Maybe there’s a reason thoughts like this keep intruding, and that reason is you should absolutely act on them, ever think about that?

Is it a felony? Likely, but it’s negligible. What really matters is that the endless din of chattering in your skull has become a chorus of voices telling you it would be hilarious to grab that cop’s gun while he’s distracted while ordering a sandwich, and that the cop and everyone else in line will find it equally hilarious.

Aren’t you glad you didn’t go to therapy or take your antipsychotic meds? If the voices are all on board about this (which they are because why would they lie to you), then you should probably follow their advice on stealing your sister’s credit card and buying 6,000 rats in order to turn them into your personal army.

DO IT! DO IT NOW! DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT!

Gruesome Evidence Suggests Ancient Green Day Fans Boiled Prisoners Alive Inside Bronze Tré Cool

Posted on by Jonah Nink

SAN FRANCISCO — Pop punk archaeologists uncovered shocking evidence that ancient Green Day fans boiled captives alive inside of hollow bronze statues of Tré Cool, East Bay sources reported.

“We discovered human remains and melted nose piercings inside of a bronze statue of Tré at our Pinole dig site,” said chief UC Berkeley Pop Punk Anthropologist Dr. Tara Hernandez. “Evidence suggests that prisoners, most likely Sum 41 and Good Charlotte fans captured in battle, were slowly roasted to death inside the heated statue. The internal acoustics of the bronze Tré were modified so the screams of those inside sounded like the opening lines of ‘Basket Case,’ and steam would vent out of the statue’s ass and make a ‘Kerplunk’ sound in reference to the album. Turns out, a lot of torture devices throughout human history have been inspired by famous drummers.”

The “Bronze Tré” had long been considered a myth by the Green Day community.

“I thought it was just a made up story meant to scare children, like how the band used to be just three guys or that the bassline from ‘Longview’ was used to conjure ancient spirits at local Berkeley cemeteries,” said Green Day fan Chris Kornall. “I can’t say I’m shocked since listening to any album the band has release in the last ten years is still a form of torture. Is choking to death while watching your skin bubble and crack like bacon really worse than listening to anything off of ‘Father of all Motherfuckers’? I’d rather be burnt alive than have someone pander to my nostalgia.”

Punk memorabilia enthusiast Fred Burns says he has a fully functional Cool statue built for his private collection.

“We got to test the replica on a My Chemical Romance fan on death row,” said Burns. “The guy actually exploded inside because of all the hairspray, but the device was designed to account for that. Those Ancient Green Day fans were some real sick bastards. The torture method was so widespread that the full title of the band’s 2000 album ‘Warning’ is actually ‘Warning: Criminals And Hertics Will Be Burned Inside Of The Bronze Snoo.’”

At press time, archaeologists confirmed that the remains of the great wooden Mike Dirnt were used by Green Day fans in the siege of ancient Albany.

Report: Statistically Elon 3-4 Children Away From Having One Who Actually Loves Him

Posted on by Reece Napierski

BOSTON — Researchers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology determined that billionaire and father of 13 Elon Musk is statistically three to four children away from having one who actually loves him.

“Love and the likelihood of its occurrence is a difficult thing to quantify,” said lead researcher Patricia Turkington, PhD. “But we’re all pretty convinced that after siring a few more children or so, one of them is bound to at least tolerate Elon. And our computer models suggest that, from said tolerance, a vaguely positive feeling of affinity that could generously be classified as affection bordering on love could hypothetically follow. And if that number isn’t correct then unfortunately science has failed us.”

Musk’s son Kai seemed to develop a distaste for his father.

“I think it would help if he would stop naming his kids after Steam product keys and making verifiably untrue claims like he invented the baking soda volcano,” said the young Musk. “One time he asked if I wanted to have a catch. I agreed, so he arranged to have one of his companies build a robot that can do that. He never even taught me how to drive. He just sat me down in one of his self-driving vehicles and said I’d get the gist. He’s so weird.”

Musk characterized MIT’s study as baseless and deeply hurtful.

“I have an incredible relationship with all of my many children with the exception of a few bad eggs, who I might add have the physiognomy of hysterical tavern maidens,” said Musk. “I should remind MIT, the media, and my children, some of which I can’t remember their names right now, that I am not only super rich, a world-class gamer, inventor, magician, and great in bed, but I am also one of the top fathers worldwide. I implore any ‘skeptics’ to check the leaderboards on TopDads.X.Com. I dominate the North American region, spending more than 1,000 dad-hours this month alone on fathering and accruing over 1.5 million pop-pop tokens in the process. These are the indisputable facts that confirm I am an exceptional father.”

At press time, researchers also concluded that Musk was five or six more baby mamas away from one that can actually stand to be around him.

Opinion: This Can’t Be the Country I Grew up In, Because There Used To Be Way More Pizza Huts

Posted on by Ben Friedman

Not to sound like a bitter old man but things truly were better back in the halcyon days of the 90’s, rose colored glasses be damned. That’s when I remember America being great, when my frontal lobe wasn’t fully developed and the world wasn’t backward like a stuffed-crust pizza.

Something has changed, and definitely for the worse. I look around and no longer see the country I was born and raised in because I could swear there used to be way more Pizza Huts around.

You might think it’s a weird metric to measure how far down the USA has been flushed down the shitter, but the last time the federal government had a consistent surplus, Mr. Pizza Head was on our TV’s every other commercial break. Coincidence? I think not!

There’s no hiding the fact that our rights have slowly been eroding for decades, culminating in the country collapsing in on itself like a dying star. Many people will blame the ruling class, I blame the dipshit at Yum! Brands who thought it would be a good idea to ditch Pizza Hut’s iconic roofs and make them look like banks. If you want to know where America’s soul went, it died when fast casual pizza joints stopped looking like they were wearing wide brim hats.

It was not too long ago that you’d have family-friendly chain pizza restaurants in every town with aesthetics reminiscent of a 1980’s basement. And they were endorsed by the Ninja Turtles for God’s sake! You couldn’t get a better stamp of approval than that, especially since I thought they were real until I was eight years old.

This has the deep state’s greasy fingers all over it. Just follow the breadcrumbs: Bush passes “No Child Left Behind”, literacy rates plummet, the “Book It!” program gets scrapped so then nobody is getting personal pan pizzas, and next thing we know Pizza Huts start disappearing and media literacy is extinct. Checkmate, America.

Was the Hut out-pizza’d overnight, or were we just not paying attention? I always knew the unchecked proliferation of Papa John’s and Murphy’s would lead our nation astray. They’re not my real (pizza) dad!

Well, it was nice while it lasted. At least I have the memories and these Land Before Time hand puppets to remind me that at one point, life made sense.

Five English Majors Form Remedial Math Rock Band

Posted on by Amy Ash

SAN DIEGO — A local group of five CSU San Marcos English majors formed a remedial math rock band to bone up on their algebra skills, confirmed sources.

“We knew bit off more than we could chew when we all barely passed Trigonometry 101, so we formed Alpha Asphalt,” said bassist and creative writing minor Mike Singh. “Complex and unusual time signatures are a major hurdle for us. Steve Albini had a journalism degree and he crushed it in this genre so I figured we’d be OK. Turns out you have to be a goddamn ‘Good Will Hunting’ to do this shit. You think Albini ever punched ‘13/8’ into a calculator to try and make sense of it, only to get more scared and confused when ‘1.625’ popped up? Hell no, but that was my Saturday night.”

Friend of the band Kate Flores admires the musicians’ commitment and lofty goals but admits it’s been painful to watch them contend with numbers higher than four.

“It’s not easy to witness five adults angrily counting on their fingers,” Flores said. “When they practice it feels like they’re all taking a math test while somebody else yells out random numbers to mess them up, and whenever one of them goes out ‘for a smoke’ I know they’re crying. They’ve tried to hire a tutor to help improve their chops but couldn’t get anyone from Slint. At some point, they’ll probably realize that they should switch to being an advanced level indie band. We all know English majors thrive at making indie music.”

Rachel Radner, whose unlikely rise to stardom in the AP math rock band Shin Splint included no formal calculus training, believes these young musicians are not alone in their struggle.

“A lot of people think atypical structures mean playing math rock is totally freewheelin’,” said Radner. “In reality, it requires intense focus and it may not be for the faint of heart, or for most people with Emily Dickinson tattoos. It takes a lot of studying and midnight cram sessions to write an album as good as American Football. You simply can’t get good at this genre if you’re reading Shakespeare and writing essays about deconstructing post-modernism.”

At press time, the band devised a fallback option to just call it noise rock if remedial math rock doesn’t work out.