Democrats Will Continue Relentlessly Doing Nothing if You Just Pitch in $5

Posted on by Arielle Andreano

WASHINGTON – Top Democrats have revealed a groundbreaking plan to combat Trump’s fascist takeover, and, according to Chuck Schumer, it doesn’t take much and it’s already working.

“We are more dedicated than ever to the American people,” said Schumer. “We have always fiercely combated fascism. Remember that time I kneeled for 8 minutes and 46 seconds? That ended racism for Biden’s entire term. But it’s back now because of Trump. Along with all those other isms. Which is why we are rolling out a plan to relentlessly send out fundraising emails and nothing else. That’s our promise to the American people. You give us $5, we will never give up on doing nothing for you.”

A top political analyst who has been studying the Democratic Party for decades weighed in on the bold new strategy.

“Based on the plans I’ve seen, this really is a big deal and it’s going to create a lot of change. I mean, it’s a huge step up from their past policy of doing very little for $5,” said Maria Devenzo, who runs the left-leaning think tank Moving Progess. “They used to occasionally pass legislation. To promise to continue relentlessly ask hardworking citizens for money while making absolutely no concrete promises in return is a bold new era.”

A few lucky citizens have already seen this plan coming to fruition. Lifelong Democrat, Terry Christopher, shared her experience.

“I’ve never seen promises fulfilled by politicians in this way. Usually it’s ‘I’ll do this, I’ll do that.’ And then before we know it, none of those promises have been fulfilled. But these e-mails have been vaguer than ever in terms of their plan to do anything other than take money. I mean, I got the text, I pitched in $5, and they gave nothing their all, said Christopher. “Just like they said. We really can trust them. I just know they’re going to keep doing it. Their dedication to the American people is unparalleled. They are working as hard as possible to do absolutely nothing at all.”

When asked if they had considered either doing anything or not taking money from hard working people, Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer reminded reporters that responding to questions is a form of action before evaporating into a fine mist before reintegrating into their corporeal forms in their respective offices.

The Death Metal Fan’s Guide To Finding the Perfect Pair of Camo Cargo Shorts for Your Tinder Date

Posted on by Steve Packosky

We all know dating sucks, but one of the Internet’s few redeeming qualities is its ability to match you with someone you have a better chance of connecting with than the old methods of singles bars and awkward setups from well-intentioned friends. Now, you can find someone with whom you share an attraction without even having to leave your home. What an age we live in!

Which brings us to the next step: you’ve matched with your dream girl on Tinder, and you two have bonded over your shared love of “Severance” and your frustration over the long wait for the next novel in Patrick Rothfuss’s “Kingkiller Chronicle.” She wants to meet up at a local bar, and you’d like to wow her with the perfect outfit. Up to now, she’s only seen selfies you’ve taken at work and one picture of you in a casual dress shirt at your grandmother’s birthday party. Rest assured that she’ll be blown away when she catches a glimpse of your casual wardrobe!

While musical tastes have not yet been broached in your dialog, your outspoken affinity for blast beats and death growls is about to become extremely apparent. Here are some tips to make sure you find the perfect pair of camo cargo shorts for your big date.

Color is key.
We know you love your traditional Army green shorts, but they’re bound to clash with whatever choice you make from your bountiful cache of black shirts. You’ll only get one first impression here, and you don’t want that to be of somebody who doesn’t know how to coordinate his ensemble. Go with the black camo Levi’s and tell those greenies not to feel bad, as you’ll be donning them with pride at next month’s Obituary show.

Excessive pockets are essential.
You’re a busy man of the 21st century, and she’ll appreciate that your attire reflects that. Not everybody has the ability to retrieve old, empty packs of Marlboro Reds and crumpled Target receipts from the sides of their legs, but that’s exactly it: you’re not just another guy. Additional storage around your lower extremities is something you can offer on top of an attentive ear and caring shoulder to cry on, and you want that to be obvious from the moment she sets eyes on you.

Don’t forget those strings at the bottom!
We’re not sure about you, but we don’t consider them cargo shorts unless they have strips of material randomly hanging out from the bottom and dangling around your ankles as you walk, and we can almost guarantee that your date will have an even more discerning eye than we do. You may be able to regale her with tales of the time Glenn Benton walked right past you after the Deicide show in Cleveland, but it’ll mean bupkis if your shorts aren’t reflective of your love for Floridian death metal. Let those bad boys hang!

Keep the fraying to a minimum.
Come on, this is a first date we’re talking about! Save the super frayed pair you wore to last week’s Defeated Sanity concert for the third or fourth date. We’re not suggesting something ridiculous like washing them, just that you wait until you know each other better before you bust them out. Plus, they still have that bloodstain on them from the wall of death, so you better make a mental note to lick your fingernail and try to scratch that out before she sees them.

Don’t forget the belt.
And we’re not talking about the good work belt you shelled out $14.99 for at Kohl’s either. That’s right; we of course mean the grey cloth one that came with the shorts you plan on wearing. Once she sees that those aforementioned strings hovering in front of your shins match the rope-like belt twisting over itself at your waist, she’ll fall head over heels. Trust us.

There you have it. If you adhere to these easy-to-follow guidelines, your days of being single will be drastically numbered. So match that perfect pair of cargos with your Gorgasm logo shirt (shelf the one with the artwork from “Lacerated Masturbation” for now) and get ready to change your relationship status on Facebook! Oh, and that Obituary show you’re going to next month? You’d better buy an extra ticket, if you catch our drift.

Butthole Surfers Harassed by Territorial Surf Locals Trying to Keep Favorite Butt Breaks Secret

Posted on by Matt Husser

HUNTINGTON BEACH, Calif. — The Butthole Surfers were harassed today by territorial surf locals that were reportedly trying to keep their favorite butt breaks secret, confirmed sources who have been searching for the best buttocks-friendly waves for years.

“Well, well, well, if it isn’t the Butthole Boogie Boarders trying to bogart our bodacious butt breaks, well you boys better get back on whatever pussyhorse you rode in on because the Bay of Bungholes belongs to us and we don’t like outsiders,” said local surfer Kai Willows. “I know every baby-smooth swell like the back of my own ass, so if you get in our way the only thing you’ll be surfing is your adult diapers back at the old folks home.”

Butthole Surfers singer Gibby Haynes said the band was not intimidated by the surf gang.

“It doesn’t matter if you’re a first-time taint tickler or the baddest badonkadonk bomber this side of TaHeinie, everyone deserves a fair shot at parting these mighty waves for a little hang tenalingus,” said Haynes while demonstrating proper butthole surfing form. “We’ve been into rear-end watersports since these dingleberries were in pampers, and I know a posterior poser when I see one. Besides, you can’t own a fine fartbox beach like this any more than you can own an independent worm saloon.”

Local Mark Barker was reportedly so inspired by the band that he immediately grabbed his board and took up butthole surfing.

“Seeing those old guys stand up to those bullies gave me the courage I needed to buy a board, get out there on the waves, and grab the starfish by the chocolate,” said Barker. “Feeling that rusty dusty spray on my face, the calm before the mud flaps barrel over you—the pink eye is a small price to pay for the freedom to surf these bootylicious breaks.”

At press time, the Butthole Surfers reportedly called Pee Pee the Sailor for backup after the tushie turf war reached defcon fanny.

Five Songs We Listened To This Week While Hoping Our Student Loans Have Also Been Dismantled

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

What a week, huh? What a week, huh? What a week, huh? What a week, huh? What a… sorry. With all the news lately, we’ve kind of been stuck in a permanent loop of asking that question. The words have almost lost their meaning, and our voices have grown hoarse from screaming into the void. That doesn’t mean we haven’t been finding time to enjoy the little things in life, though, and music is the littlest thing anyone can even begin to imagine in these turbulent times. Here are five songs that briefly distracted us from the terrors of modern life.

Alex Orange Drink ‘Everything Is Broken’

‘Everything Is Broken’ might be the understatement of the year, but someone’s gotta say it. Who better than the artist that so dutifully soundtracks most of our mental breakdowns, Alex Orange Drink? His aforementioned single sounds like a tornado touching down at a beach party, but the house band’s sunglasses are too dark to notice all the folding chairs whipping around. A fitting metaphor for our current timeline and one hell of a video treatment if the band is looking for ideas.

Tropical Fuck Storm ‘Bloodsport’

Noted musical weirdos Tropical Fuck Storm have a new album coming out soon, which explains why our staff has been hard at work practicing their most angular dance moves. Their latest, ‘Bloodsport,’ is reminiscent of a bad acid trip, but one you willingly signed up for and somehow enjoy. Though the track won’t last 16-18 hours and make you paranoid for months to come, it’s still worth a spin or two in a dimly lit room with little other stimulation.

Fib ‘PS’

Philadelphia quartet Fib is gearing up to release their new LP ‘Heavy Lifting’ in just over a month, and they’ve just dropped the dreamy track ‘PS.’ It’s a healthy mix of power pop, shoegaze, and indie; as if someone put all the bands you quit over the past decade into a blender and smashed the puree button. The jagged guitars, floating vocals, and lo-fi production will calm you down enough to believe in things again before, ya know, you remember all the horrors.

Sorry Mom ‘Youngstown’

The up and coming Brooklyn based indie-pop outfit Sorry Mom have returned with ‘Youngstown.’ It’s a soothing pop-punk anthem that quickly turns scorched earth just as you start humming along. It’s got everything you would want in a song: chugging power chords, a catchy as hell melody, not one but TWO screamy parts, and multiple digs at Ohio. There’s literally nothing not to love about this one, not even for someone as soulless as you.

Deerhoof ‘Immigrant Songs’

Experimental legends Deerhoof have announced their new album ‘Noble and Godlike In Ruin.’ The lead single ‘Immigrant Songs’ was initially released via Craigslist ads – presumably with titles like ‘free: trip to the the seventh portal of hell – LOCAL PICKUP ONLY’ – but is now widely available to fuck up your brain via streaming. The track somehow crams an entire album’s worth of ideas into its first few minutes before devolving into the musical equivalent of the tunnel scene in Willy Wonka. It’s a trip worth taking, but try to find a hand hold before pressing play.

We know five songs probably won’t give you enough time to completely disassociate in the way you probably desperately need to, so we’ve added them to an ever growing and ever disorienting playlist. Clear you schedule for the next few hours – like you had plans anyway – and listen below:

Trump Brothers Beg Dad for a Slumber Party With the Tate Brothers

Posted on by Tim Sheard

WASHINGTON — Trump brothers Don Jr. and Eric were witnessed throwing tantrums in the White House halls, insisting their father arrange a “totally awesome” slumber party with the Tate Brothers now that they’re back in Florida, confirmed sources.

“Papa goes to Florida all the time, it’s not fair!” cried Trump Jr. while taking a break from a pepperoni pizza Lunchable. “I have my sleeping bag ready to go, so does Eric. I’ve set up junk food stashes all around the White House. But they only get to see our candy hideouts by showing up, here, to an official Trump family slumber party, NDAs included. I love their videos so much. I want to whisper all of my secrets and rub their shiny foreheads for luck. I can’t wait until I get to touch a woman, maybe they know some!”

Donald Trump took to the Oval Office to order the play-date.

“This Executive Order I just signed demands the Tate brothers come over and have a slumber party with my boys, and I think they will,” said President Trump. “In fact, I know they will. We’ve wanted this for a long time, this is going to be great television. It’s a beautiful thing, ok? I don’t want to say anything about Eric and Donnie, but they can pick up some Tate masculinity, ok? I’m providing this sleepover with every ‘Entourage’ season on Blu-ray, plus a scary book about powerful women, which is better told under a Tesla-branded blanket with a MAGA-branded flashlight, available on whitehouse.gov.”

CNN political pundit Justine Hannover was forced to cover the sleepover.

“The slumber party livestream has revealed fascinating insights into the First Family’s home life. After hours of Playstation, Andrew and Tristan turned down Eric’s idea of a Pentagon scavenger hunt,” said Hannover. “A round of ‘Never Have I Ever’ with the Tate Brothers ended very quickly, with acts and descriptions mentioned that we can never actually air. However, Andrew was up for a midnight snack raid, insisting the Trump boys bring back raw meat and virgin Shirley Temples. Unfortunately, attempts at Monopoly ended in anger and confusion. Most of the evening was spent discussing crushes on their own staff and reminiscing about Maxim covers.”

At press time, the two sides made additional plans for a “big adventure camping trip.”

Reassuring: Deceased 38-Year-Old Referred to as “Young” on True Crime Podcast

Posted on by Dom Turek

Being in your late 30s can be challenging. You’re ten years too late and a thousand accomplishments short of joining the 27 club. You notice gray pubic hair, varicose veins, and find out Megan Thee Stallion is eight years younger than you. The worst part is realizing kids born in 2004 can legally drink in the same bars as you do. A sense of panic sets in when you realize life’s best years were wasted on younger, more ungrateful versions of yourself, but don’t fret.

While you were contemplating shopping for discount headstones on Temu amid your existential crisis, something glorious happened. The hosts of a popular true crime podcast just called a 38-year-old murder victim “young” and “attractive.” But wait, it gets better. The woman in question who suffered blunt force trauma, petechial hemorrhaging, and internal decapitation was also said to have had “her whole life in front of her.” I hope they’re not just saying that to be nice.

While the crime was unspeakably brutal, the description of the victim as “sprightly” and “naive” was a win for women everywhere in their mid to late 30s. It just goes to show that life doesn’t end at perimenopause, unless of course you run into the I-87 butcher and become the latest victim in a long string of grisly murders dating back to the 1980s.

Sure, it sounds brutal to die mercilessly at the hands of a sadistic serial killer, but we can take comfort in knowing how many people were touched by hearing someone of her big age referred to as “a young woman in the prime of her life.” I must have rewound that part 15 times. Hopefully, her friends, family, and the restless fragments of her tortured soul still earthbound to her murderer’s torture dungeon will see the silver lining in all of this.

The next time someone says you’re too old for an internship, a nose ring, or glitter eyeshadow, remind them about Sharon Kinney; the 38-year-old murder victim regarded as a “vivacious young woman” in some podcast circles. Let her death not be in vain, as she serves as a beacon of hope for those approaching 40 who would also like their desecrated corpses to be remembered as “spring chickens whose lives were cut short.”

New Bi-Partisan Bill Sets Aside Money to Train Out-of-Work Midwestern Farmers to Write Introspective Emo Songs

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

WASHINGTON — Members of the House of Representatives passed an increasingly rare bi-partisan bill that will set aside money to train struggling farmers in the midwest to write generation-defining emo songs, sources confirmed.

“Unfortunately, a lot of family farms are struggling to keep up in an ever-changing world. We need to help these hard-working Americans prepare for the future, that is why I introduced legislation that would provide Fender guitars and Electro-Harmonix Holy Grail Nano pedals, as well as eight weeks of guitar lessons to every midwestern farmer,” said Congresswoman Nikki Budzinski, a Democratic representative of the 13th district of Illinois. “We are hoping this will spark a second midwestern emo boom that will bring in more revenue from album sales, merch, and emo revival festivals with bands only playing songs they wrote 30 years ago.”

Dale Trubs, a 62-year-old soybean farmer in Dillsburg, Illinois, was excited about entering into the music business.

“I’ve been tending these feels for nearly five decades now. It’s honest work, but I’m ready for a change. To tell you the truth, I wasn’t sure about this emo music at first, but it’s not that different from some of the country tunes I love. It’s all about heartbreak, lost loves, and wishing you never got old,” said Trubs while trying on various sweaters. “I’ve got my old lady leaving angry voicemails on my phone as we speak. I’ll be able to use those in song intros once someone shows me how to check my messages. I just hope I can cut a demo in time to get a spot on one of the Warped Tour dates. That would be a dream come true.”

Vice President J.D. Vance, a native of Ohio, says he hopes President Trump vetoes the bill.

“Emo was a very popular genre of music when I was in high school, but it’s far from inclusive. I tried joining some emo club, I even brought some mix CDs with some of my favorite emo bands like Evanescence and Linkin Park, but the emo elite at my school laughed at me,” said the visibly angry Vice President. “And not a single person included me in their Myspace Top 8. There were times, and I’m not proud of this, when I would pay someone to include me, but they just took my money. So no, I don’t want the beautiful farmers of this country indoctrinated into a music scene that so violently mocked me even though I had the best scene makeup.”

At press time, the proposed bill passed after a giant tax cut for anyone making over $750,000 a year was added into the fine print.

Photo by Eric Schmuttenmaer.

Hardcore Entrepreneur Looking to Open Up Second Pit

Posted on by Devon Kay

SAN FRANCISCO — Local hardcore entrepreneur Jeremiah Tiff aimed to open up a second pit after the successful launch of his first one, confirmed sources who wondered if there were plans to have franchising rights in the future.

“I put the word ‘entrepreneur’ in my Instagram bio, and I don’t take that title lightly,” said Tiff while reading a book about productivity and simultaneously listening to a different audiobook about business development. “You need a growth mindset if you want to succeed in the startup mosh industry. My first pit just went public, so it’s time to expand and maximize the spin kicks. I think I’ve come up with a repeatable and scalable business model, and my five-year plan involves taking over the entire west coast of the United States. And might I add, I couldn’t have done this without the help of all those inspirational quotes I see on LinkedIn. It’s easily the best social media site for ambitious hardcore fans.”

Friends of Tiff were a little tired of his constant need to be successful.

“He keeps talking about how he wants to be the Elon Musk of mosh pits,” said Zack Halpern. “And you know what? He kind of is. His father was a self-made pit organizer, so Jeremiah had a headstart and has never had to worry about where his next two-step or windmill move is coming from. Not only that, but he just went on a podcast talking about how he wants to see more ‘masculine energy’ in the pit. On top of that, he envisions a future where we have same-day moshing capabilities. Sure, he’s innovative, but my god, can he be irritating. Just hang out and pick up change like the rest of us, dude.”

Aspiring CEO Craig Saunders believed this is just the start.

“Entrepreneurs see literally everything as a business opportunity,” said Saunders. “They want nothing more than to privatize mosh pits. Not to mention, they believe anyone can make a profit off of stage diving if it weren’t heavily regulated by the government. Heck, entrepreneurs are the ones that came up with the venue taking a generous cut of the merch sales during shows. Thanks to visionaries like us, we get to have more of your money. Unfortunately, there’s not much profit in opening bands. There’s no hope for them.

At press time, Tiff was already looking to hire a manager and entire staff for the second pit after it hit the ground running.

Photo by Forrest L Norvell

Opinion: In My Day, We Earned Our Positions the Traditional Way: Through Dad’s Fraternity

Posted on by Antonio Cruise

Having trouble breaking into the job market with just your skills and qualifications? That’s adorable. When I was young, we earned our positions the old-school way: through time-honored networks of privileged connections.

Look, I worked hard to be born into the right family. Do you know how difficult it was to choose both white and affluent parents who also belonged to the right country club? The odds are stacked against you. But through sheer determination and an unwavering commitment to emerging from the correct womb, I persevered.

Unlike these DEI hires, I earned my position through pure merit, specifically the merit of my father’s racquet club doubles partner being the hiring manager. Do you think it was easy remembering which fork to use at all those networking dinners? Try maintaining perfect posture while discussing yacht maintenance with your future boss’s wife.

The problem with today’s youth is they’re too focused on developing “actual skills” instead of cultivating the right connections. I don’t understand why people waste time getting better at things and perfecting their LinkedIn profiles when they could just have their dad text his Skull & Bones group chat. That’s how real networking works. Is it my fault that your father didn’t think to pledge the right fraternity in 1985?

And don’t get me started on these new “blind hiring processes.” How is anyone supposed to recognize your family name if they can’t see it? My grandfather didn’t donate an entire library wing just so his descendants would have to compete on merit alone.

Some might call it nepotism. I call it preserving traditional values, like the value of my father’s coastal manor in Cape Cod, where coincidentally, all our board meetings take place. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interview my son for an entry-level executive position. He’s uniquely qualified, having spent the last four years managing his trust fund and occasionally showing up to lectures at Wharton. That’s the kind of real-world experience you just can’t teach.

JD Vance Demands People Have More Babies So He Can Learn Where They Come From

Posted on by Lauren Grimaldi

WASHINGTON — Vice President JD Vance once again shared his belief that Americans need to be having more babies, though sources say it’s become increasingly unclear that he doesn’t know how they’re made.

“We need to make America have babies again,” Vance said. “The president has directed Elon, and not me, but that’s totally fine, to find more money to fund storks across America from now on. I couldn’t be prouder to be part of this historic administration. More babies being born means more chances that there will finally be another human out there who thinks I’m normal and I fully support funding this critical service.”

Though Vance has been sharing his beliefs on the importance of procreation for years as a public figure, his obsession with people having babies has reportedly gone on even longer than that.

“Back when JD was a student here, he would often come to office hours and ask me what I thought were rather unsettling questions,” said Yale Law School Professor Seymour Smith. “I’m happy to help my students as much as I can, but I vividly remember him sitting down across from me to ask logistical questions about how the baby gets from God to the hospital and wondering what the tariff situation on that whole thing is.”

Elon Musk, ever the team player, has even reportedly offered guidance to JD on how babies are made by renting out his AI girlfriend to him for the day.

“I wish them many years of passionate keyboard tapping together, though I have to say, she’s kind of a total bitch sometimes, especially if my computer battery is running low,” Musk said. “She’s not the right fit for the mother of my 16th child, but maybe I’ll let her have the 22nd if she’s lucky. Either way, I hope she’ll teach him a thing or two so he’ll finally stop asking me and The Donmeister what sex is in every meeting.”

At press time, President Trump signed an Executive Order to direct all health and sex ed courses in schools across the country to teach “Hillbilly Elegy” as part of their curriculum.