For as long as I can remember every day of my life has been plagued with feelings of emptiness, inadequacy, and loathing for myself and everything around me. That’s probably why I became a foodie. It’s the only hobby where everything literally turns to crap at the end, instead of just figuratively, like everything I touch seems to do.
Through bitterness, a general dissatisfaction with life, and an ability to write at a fourth-grade reading level, I became a food critic. I decided to make it my goal to visit all 50 United States and sample the food they are best known for, because what the hell else is there to do? It’s all bullshit anyway.
Here it is, the culmination of my dumb life’s dumb work. Here is every state’s signature food ranked by how effectively they were able to fill the void in me where I guess human connection was supposed to go:
50. Virginia: Peanuts
Literally fucking peanuts. How am I supposed to eat my feelings with goddamn peanuts?! My problems are way bigger than peanuts Virginia! I appreciate the effort you put into boiling them for some reason but pass.
PRO TIP: Never go to Virginia
49. Washington: Rainier Cherries
What do you get when you cross-breed Bing cherries with Van cherries? Yeah, still just some dumb cherries. I didn’t come all the way up to the mountains for my health, so why are you serving me this?
48. Oregon: Marionberries
When I heard what was on the menu in Oregon I couldn’t wait to get there. I couldn’t believe I was about to devour the flesh of disgraced crack-smoking former mayor Marion Barry. I had so many questions, like how did the state’s most celebrated food become human flesh? And Why the former District of Columbia mayor specifically? How did they manage to keep supplying flesh from just one person long enough for it to become a staple? But mostly, I was just super pumped to finally cross that line and commit the ultimate taboo. Well, turns out it’s some dumb fruit.
47. California: Avocado Toast
The food that stopped an entire generation from being able to afford a home! Definitely not the economic turmoil inevitable in late-stage capitalism, nope, it was avocado toast and woke lattes. The best avocados in the country can in fact be found in California, and while they are deceptively fatty, it’s the good kind of fat. I don’t deserve the good kind of fat.
46. Iowa: Sweet Corn
Let me get this straight. I have a hole in me. An empty, corrosive void that leaves me feeling broken and incomplete all of the time, and I’m supposed to fill that void with corn? Corn. Look, it’s a perfectly fine side, but I’ve got demons to suppress and a cob can only hold so much butter Iowa.
45. Alaska: Salmon
We all love salmon, and salmon fresh from Alaska is the best Salmon you can get. Good enough to justify a $700 10-hour flight to Alaska? Well, no, but try to remember life is meaningless.
44. South Carolina: Lowcountry Boil
More damned corn! Apparently, South Carolina’s flagship delicacy is this weird corn and shrimp “stew” that doesn’t even have any broth! How the hell did you people get so dumb and weird eating food this healthy?! I’ll never eat my feelings at this rate.
43. New Hampshire: Apple Cider Donuts
Yes, it’s a donut, and all donuts are an excellent source of grease, carbohydrates, and fleeting comfort, but this particular variety is overrated. They’re usually cakey and the cinnamon and sugar dusting does all the heavy lifting. Honestly, after the 10th one I barely wanted to finish the dozen.
42. Massachusetts: Clam Chowder
New England clam chowder is delicious, and the chowder they serve in Massachusetts is indeed a cut above the rest, but is it really worth the price of admission? I.E., being in Massachussets? Few things are.
PRO TIP: Being rude to your waiter will ensure that they will spit in your soup, adding a psycho-sexual layer of humiliation to your bowl of hot heavy cream.
41. Utah: Fry Sauce
These are french fries served with a secret recipe sauce that tastes like Thousand Island dressing and is, of course, Thousand Island dressing. It’s a greasy good way to drown your sorrows, but like, did I really need to come all the way to Utah for this?
40. Illinois: Deep-Dish Pizza
You know how Superman has Bizzaro? Well, pizza has this. Nothing this bad for you should taste this terrible, but I will say that after forcing just two slices down my gullet I’m too logey to dwell on the fact that my own son hates me.
39. Minnesota: Juicy Lucy
The “Juicy Lucy” is a cheeseburger with a twist: The cheese is in the middle! It’s delicious, and a fitting reminder that what’s terrible, toxic, and corrosive about me is on the inside.
38. Alabama: Pecan Pie
As a broken person who has burned more bridges than he could ever hope to build, I love me some pie. Pecan pie is an open pie made with brown sugar, pecans, brown sugar, butter, and of course brown sugar. I would never say no to a slice of pecan pie, and it’s only ranked lower than other pies on this list because of the potential health benefits of nuts. I do not deserve antioxidants, and I do not deserve love.
37. Michigan: Coney Dog
You know what goes great on meat? More meat. If you disagree, congratulations, your serotonin levels are just fine, but me? I’m getting a Coney dog.
36. Arkansas: Chocolate Gravy
Traditionally this dessert gravy is served on biscuits, but as a man who refused to take over a 250-year-old family business and sabotaged 4 marriages, I’ve never been one for tradition. When I’m in Arkansas I pour this stuff over everything. Pancakes, turkey, my own head, it doesn’t matter. Nothing matters.
35. Mississippi: Biscuits
If you think biscuits are a dumbass state food you’re thinking about that Pillsbury trash. Real home-cooked biscuits are warm, fluffy, near-perfect substitutions for love, with ungodly amounts of butter baked right on the top. That’s not to say I won’t be slapping more butter on these bad boys when they’re served. I’m trying to fill an emotional void, not start my day right.
34. New York: Bagels
A lot of people say New York is all about pizza, but if you look hard enough you can find decent New York-style pizza just about anywhere. Trying to find New York-style bagels outside the Northeast on the other hand will drive you to madness.
PRO TIP: When they ask you how much cream cheese you want just say “Enough to cancel plans.”
33. West Virginia: Pepperoni Roll
This food was designed to combat the bleakness of West Virginian coal miner life, so it can more than handle whatever menial problem I’m blowing out of proportion on any given day.
32. Florida: Key Lime Pie
As a man slowly coming to terms with the fact that he’s almost 50 and never going to write that novel, I love me some pie. In this graham cracker-crusted meringue-topped version curdelling is part of the process. There’s a metaphor for my shitty life in there somewhere, but I’m too full of pie to think of it.
31. Vermont: Maple Syrup
Nothing against Mrs. Buttersworth, but she just can’t hold a candle to the rich shame eating you can do with the dark, complex sugars created by naturally occurring Vermont maple syrup.
PRO TIP: Skip the pancakes! They’re basically just bread discs and you can fit way more syrup down the hatch without them.
30. Nebraska: Runza
It’s basically a slightly fancier hot pocket.
These cookies are Thin Mints but with raspberry. Thin Mints are the real deal. Raspberry Rally is like the Graves-era version of it.
Dulce de Leche is Spanish for “sweet (made) of milk.” Only Glenn will tell people it’s French for “caramel of the leeches.” This will slightly pique the interest of Jerry Only, but not enough to buy any.
These aren’t even cookies. They’re triangular cheddar crackers. What the fuck, Girl Scouts? Get your shit together.
Pinatas look like pure chaos. They’re oatmeal-based accompanied by a fruit filling topped with a cinnamon and sugar glaze that seems to be drizzled on without rhyme or reason. Glenn won’t be able to memorize all of these features and will choke under pressure when asked follow-up questions.
Lemonades are shortbread cookies with lemon icing. If you’re into lemon-flavored treats then this is your holy grail. But if you’re a normal person you’re probably passing on these.
While these cookies may look delicious on the surface, Glenn is going to rattle off the ingredients in his sales pitch for some reason and blow the whole thing. No one wants to know that these cookies contain something called monocalcium phosphate.
Glenn would pronounce these as “car-mel” instead of “care-a-mel” and no customer could get past that.
Aloha Chips had white chocolate in them. Glenn doesn’t know how to sell anything that isn’t the color black. This one will be a real struggle for him.
If you were in the woods and found one of these on the ground, you might think they were bear turds before they were a dessert or late-night snack. Can’t blame Glenn for this one.
Medallions were introduced to the world in the early ‘80s. This will make Glenn reminisce about his time with Samhain. No one will know what he’s talking about because the Venn Diagram of people who listen to Samhain and people who consume Girl Scout cookies is just two separate circles.
These cookies have a little “thank you” note imprinted on top of them. Glenn is not a fan of foods with words. This will be evident during his sales pitch.
This one will throw Glenn for a curveball when it’s time to sell someone on them. After all, he practiced his sales pitches in the mirror with traditional cookies as his main focus. This will be harder than he thought.
Girl Scout S’mores are like regular s’mores only these say their name on them. Glenn believes this is a distraction and that when it’s snack time, it’s not read time. Danzig has a policy to never mix and match these activities.
These cookies had various animals imprinted on them. Glenn would sell them as a “sugary meat substitute” and turn off potential consumers.
Glenn would get hung up on the name of this one. He isn’t sure whether to emphasize the “Scot” part or the “Tea” part and there isn’t anything about it in the Girl Scouts pamphlet he received beforehand. Not even an FAQ or anything.
These little bite-sized cookies are gluten free. Glenn doesn’t really know what that means for sure, but he has a plan to act like he does. It will soon blow up in his face when he mentions that these cookies do not contain gluteal tissue from a horse. He is technically correct about that part.
Cookies with raisins are like pineapple on pizza. Sure, you are technically allowed to eat that, but have you even considered chocolate chips on your pizza slice?
Little Brownies are free from sugar. Finally, a brownie that doesn’t taste like one.
These are lemon wedges coated in powdered sugar. Glenn wouldn’t know where to start with these ones. Instead, he’ll talk shit about Jerry Only for a few minutes before asking how many boxes he should put you down for.
Apple Cinnamons are the Apple Jacks of Girl Scout cookies. Yes, they are technically cookies, but in a world with Cap n’ Crunch and Lucky Charms, why would you settle for this one? Tough sell.
Glenn will mainly focus on the “royale” part of Praline Royales. He knows an unexpected amount about Queen Elizabeth now that she’s dead. Danzig will go on to talk about other famous royal figures who are not alive anymore and their potential to turn into aristocratic zombies.
PxDx’s debut is the essence of grind. The hard stuff, the pure white. 18 songs in 19 minutes. None of that bullshit like catchy riffing or a standard beat or clear production. This is the band at its most unhinged, for better or worse—mostly the latter if you’re into composition or structure or whatever. If you like tumult as your basis for songwriting and Tyler Durden-endorsed lyricism from vocalist J.R. Hayes like “Perhaps self-sabotage is high evolution,” this one’s for you.
If you’re looking to get into Pig Destroyer, start here. Grindcore purists might yell about blasphemies like occasionally intelligible vocals (!) and professional production (!!), things that make “Head Cage” an inviting record and, thus, not worth your time. A seven-minute song with actual structure and memorable riffs? Fuck outta here! We want 28-second chaotic noise! Ignore the purists. This is PxDx’s version of a gateway drug—the way into the hard stuff. It’s also their most political work, with Hayes trading transgressive vignettes for pithy social commentary like, “The clever ways I’ve devised / For dodging confrontation / How I play devil’s advocate / If I want a second opinion.” Despite guitarist Scott Hull’s snappy riffing and sorta-straightforward song compositions, “Head” isn’t watered-down Pig Destroyer. Instead, this top-five album suggests an alternate reality where the grind quintet evolved into a pretty good groove metal band. Take that how you will.
“Prowler” is the band’s most gruesome work, mostly thanks to its cover that snuff film enthusiasts would swoon over. Despite being a superb grindcore record, you’ll need patience for this one, because a handful of songs go past three minutes. “But my ADHD can’t handle that!” you whine. Deal with it. PxDx made an album with actual production values—so, “Explosions” but without the recorded-in-someone’s-colon aesthetic. Here, you’re able to enjoy and/or be punished by the insanity within. Hull and former drummer Brian Harvey make it easier with inventive playing throughout. And while Hayes was still developing as both vocalist and lyricist, “Eyes like cracked egg shells, empty as life” is as striking a line as anything he’s written. As for whether to go for the original or the remixed and remastered version—that depends on whether or not you’re a poser.
This was the first Pig Destroyer album to get critical acclaim from Pitchfork. Set that icky fact aside, though. “Phantom Limb” is an excellent grind album. It’s here where they started to play with groove metal riffage and something approaching a chorus. Meanwhile, Hayes’ vocals are psychotically rabid, and he gets to the heart of it in a handful of words: “I don’t have any scars / Only dormant wounds / That crack like fault lines.” Indeed, Hayes’ characters have a looser grip on reality than a QAnon follower. Be careful quoting Hayes’ career-best writing, though: “Your legs look so sexy out of context” works as a stunningly demented poetry submission, but less so as a pickup line.
After “Phantom Limb’s” law-breaking critical success—grindcore isn’t supposed to be liked or covered by normies — Pig Destroyer went back to the grind (sorry) for their outstanding fifth record, “Book Burner.” 19 songs in 32 minutes—in other words: the way it should be. This might be a reaction to the reaction (how meta!), but it was the correct one. Hayes again proved he’s one of the best writers in extreme music, with “Book” featuring several of his best story songs, including one about a serial killer who’s really hands-on, and another about the best brother in history who breaks his sister out of a mental institution. Hull’s best-sounding-demo-ever production is the clearest of the band’s career to this point, making it easy to pick out every aspect of the madness. This is the premier grindcore record of the 2010s, and you’ll only disagree because you haven’t heard it.
PxDx’s finest full-length is perfectly named, and includes Hayes’ most tortured performances. He sounds like his entire body is on fire. When I’m on fire, I’m just yelling for help and rolling around on the ground like an idiot; this dude is reciting beautifully fucked up flash fiction. Hayes filled “Terrifyer” with enough obsession and self-loathing to make Travis Bickle cringe: “When she touches me / It’s like a rodent sifting through garbage / But it’s better than just rotting away.” Additionally, this is PxDx’s first record with clear production. It’s also the first one where the songs don’t all sound alike. There’s, like, actual arrangement to them (with minimal rule-breaking) and neat riffing throughout. It’s almost as if actual compositions make for an engaging listen. What a concept.
