New Relationship Entered Mostly as Excuse to Rewatch Favorite Movies

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

ORLANDO, Fla. — Local cinephile Misty Fremonta started seeing a new guy as an excuse to rewatch her favorite films during the “courtship” process, sources confirmed amid the sound of a copy of “Defending Your Life” being popped into the VCR.

“I was a little on the fence about this meathead I was talking to on Hinge. Not really anyone of substance, but handsome enough. Anyway, turns out, he’s so into me that we can basically watch whatever I want when we get together for date nights, so I figure, what the hell – a way to rewatch stuff I’ve seen a million times and feel like I’m being constructive,” said Fremonta, while ignoring a FaceTime from her new paramour. “It’s the perfect excuse. It took him a few Preston Sturges flicks to learn I don’t condone male chatter during viewings, but once he learned to come over, sit on the far end of the couch, and leave shortly after, it’s pretty much been the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in.”

Fremonta’s new suitor is allegedly having a positive experience acquainting himself with the world of film without the burden of physical contact with another human being.

“Oh yeah, I love the movies she chooses. Especially the ones with no color, I’m told those are the ones I’m having the best time watching. I always secretly hope the Three Stooges show up whenever I see something in black and white, but ‘Casablanca’ didn’t have them, but it was still good…Still good,” trailed-off part-time tire alignment technician and recent Criterion Channel subscriber Dave Szyminski. “Yeah, but as much as I’m having a blast hanging out with her, I do hope the next time she says I can put on ‘Rudy’ she’ll actually mean it. Little guy just wants to play football so badly. It’s a, what does she call it… oh yeah, a ‘cinematic triumph’!”

Representatives of the film logging social media app Letterboxd confirmed that watch patterns change suddenly in these situations.

“It’s a terribly common case, in fact. Without fail, we always see a, shall we say, ‘erudite’ spike in simpler straight male watch history once they enter a relationship with a cinephile. It would be fascinating if it weren’t such a shame that these fellows were being strung along like human sausage links,” said Letterboxd Analytics Associate Tina Trent-Sperry. “But, I gotta say the tonal whiplash from these poor schlubs ingesting a steady diet of ‘Fast & Furious’ movies to sudden five-star ratings for Elaine May’s filmography with captions like ‘will have to rewatch a few times to gather all my true thoughts’ is always something we laugh about around the office.”

Unfortunately, the relationship was promptly ended after only five minutes of a brief streetwide power outage.

Barber Thinks You’re a Fucking Loser- Guest Column by Social Anxiety

Posted on by Ellie Fitzpatrick

Look at you, so brave getting a haircut from a real barber! What a self-care win for you! Let’s just get a few things straight—yes, when you opened the door you did push it open too hard, yes, everyone was startled by it, and yes, everyone currently thinking to themselves “Who is this meatball and why are they here?”

You are not on their level, and you know it.

Oh isn’t that nice, the man at the front is asking if you want anything to drink? If you say yes, who the hell do you think you are? Everyone will think “Look at this entitled dick demanding seltzer water at the barbershop like some kind of power-mad god-king.” Then again, What kind of message does saying “no thanks” send? Oh, so you think you’re too good for barbershop beverages? Oh my god you still haven’t answered? Better pick one quick! Don’t worry, either way, that guy is going to make fun of you to his friends later.

Went with the water huh? You’re such a dick. The barber is ready for you.

The cape is slightly too tight, which the barber is doing on purpose because he hates you. Any respect he may have had for you will vanish after you show him your reference for a haircut, which is, God help us, a picture of Gene Ween from Ween. That’s odd, that is odd behavior. Your barber thinks you’re a weird virgin.

Now for the big question: do you try to make conversation? If you do, holy shit, does everything have to be about you? This man doesn’t want to hear about your life, or God forbid, be forced to divulge information about his. Ever heard of emotional labor, idiot? So you stay silent. And now your barber thinks you’re an antisocial weirdo, and he’s probably going to call National Security the moment you leave.

This haircut is really shitty. It’s way too short, and you know for a fact it’s going to dry all weird the second you wash it. He probably fucked it up on purpose, which, to be fair, you absolutely deserve. He asks you if you like it, and, like a spineless coward, you nod. “Yeah, man. Great.”

Dry Cleaning Bill Bankrupts Swing Revival Band

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

NEW YORK – Up-and-coming swing revival band The Boofing Sleuthers are ready to call it quits after mounting dry-cleaning bills wiped out their bottom line, disappointed managers and accountants confirmed.

“The swing revival pretty much died out in the mid-’90s, so when we busted out onto the scene with throwback tunes like ‘Daddy Needs Three Fingers of Buttermilk,’ we pretty much cornered the market,” said frontman Dax ‘Babytooth’ McCallister. “We were packing out clubs and making bank, but nobody told us that the regular maintenance and upkeep of 12 zoot suits would eat up our entire profit margin. We even had to start a GoFundMe to get back home after the last tour date because we had no money left over for gas.”

Band manager Terry Fink crunched the numbers, and had no choice but to force the band to file chapter 11 after reviewing their annual ledger.

“Dry cleaning bills notwithstanding, there are other factors to consider,” said Fink as he hunched over an adding machine trying to make sense of the band’s pomade expense report for fiscal January. “Sure, the band’s daily burn runs about $1,200 so they can look sharp on stage, but there’s also collateral damage that didn’t even cross our minds. Billy Bob ‘The Throb’ Steele insisted on renting a Stradivarius double-bass for a video shoot, and his cufflinks did a number on the varnish, setting us back by thousands. We’re operating on a $65,000 deficit for the last month alone, and that’s a conservative ballpark figure if I’m being entirely honest.”

Band costume designer Beth Franklin takes partial responsibility for bankrupting The Boofing Sleuthers, but doesn’t necessarily have any regrets.

“When I was put on the payroll to design the band’s wardrobe, I probably could have just gone to a costume store and done it on the cheap,” Franklin said while letting out the crotch seam for one of the plus-sized members. “But they were packing out clubs and the checks were always cleared, so I went all out. I work on a percentage-based commission, so naturally I spared no expense while looking for the highest-quality Panama hats the vintage market had to offer.”

After meeting with their accountant to figure out how to dissolve the band’s assets, McCallister was spotted drowning his sorrows in a 1910 Renault Vintage Cognac he managed to expense to the record label.

Current Owner of House From Cover of ‘Rohnert Park’ Asks Again That Visiting Fans Refrain From Practicing Kickflips In Street After Posted Quiet Hours

Posted on by Tim Graham

ROHNERT PARK, Calif. — Homeowner Ben Founier admits he’s losing patience with fans who attempt to recreate Ceremony’s famous cover shot outside his house, according to neighbors who are glad their home wasn’t the subject of an iconic album’s artwork.

“I thought it was pretty cool when I found out the house I just bought was on the cover of a highly regarded hardcore album,” said Fournier as cranked up a white noise machine. “But after the first dozen times people came by with their boards, I began to grow weary of it. I put up signs saying what times they’re welcome–-basically when I’m at work—but they don’t seem to care. They’ll show up whenever. I’m really not one of those get-off-my-lawn types, but now I’m begging: Please respect the quiet hours!”

The tourists occasionally arrive simultaneously, forming an impromptu skate crew outside of Fournier’s house.

“I was visiting my old college roommate who lives nearby,” said Larry Hughes, skater and Ceremony fan. “He suggested we head over and try to recreate the cover. When we got there, we saw a bunch of other people had the same idea. So we all just ended up skating and hanging out. Someone blasted ‘Rohnert Park’ on a Bluetooth speaker, and then another dude went out and got some 40s. We were out there really late. Do I feel bad for the guy that lives there now? Nah, we actually knocked and asked him to join us. But he was all like, ‘It’s three in the morning, wah wah wah.’”

Laurie McKevitt, author of “Punk Rock Real Estate” says people who buy notorious houses should know what they’re getting into.

“If you’re going to buy a house that is associated with a major work of underground music, you have to be ready for what are presumably unwanted visitors,” said McKevitt. “For example, the couple who bought the American Football house initially thought they had a Peeping Tom problem, but it turned out to be record nerds arriving at dusk trying to get a photo at just the right angle. The family that lives in the Replacements’ ‘Let It Be’ house tried to get an ordinance passed that would require real estate agents to disclose if houses had landmark status among any undesirable subcultures.”

At press time, the skate stoppers Fournier had installed on the curb had resulted in several skaters being injured, each of whom has now sued for damages.

Buy an exclusive variant of Rohnert Park from our store before they are gone forever:

/**/

Ten Underrated Major Label Bands From The 2000s We Revisited Because We Found Our First Generation iPod While We Were Moving

Posted on by Scott Waldman

We here know that you crazy rebels only like pure blackened crust punk releases from labels like Assrip! Records or Sewer Rat Recordings LLC, but sometimes the big conglomerates truly get it right, whilst following through with things completely and totally wrong; BLASPHEMY, friends. Anyway, here are ten underrated major label bands listed in alphabetical order that for one reason or another, never broke out to a globally mainstream audience. So, no subsidiary labels are listed below; we’re here for the purity sans “slashes” and entities. Also, the particular underappreciated bands we are highlighting had to have released at least one major label effort between the ten year period of January 1, 2000-December 31, 2009. Yes, we gaffed and missed the most superior and undeniably underrated act, and no, we did not do that just as clickbait for you dweebs… or maybe we did! Accept us and show gratitude.

Acceptance (Columbia Records)

After releasing two non-major label EPs, including the fantastic “Black Lines to Battlefields” via The Militia Group, Seattle, Washington’s Acceptance signed to Columbia Records, then home to Coheed & Cambria, Boys Like Girls, The Offspring, and Anal Cunt, and was poised to rise to Fall Out Boy and My Chemical Romance’s “Total Request Live” status with their polished debut studio album “Phantoms.” However, mainstream success just wasn’t in the cards, and we blame the good, but not great single, “Different.” Honestly, pretty much any other track on “Phantoms” would have been a smarter highlight, but the label pretty much gave up on Acceptance after “Different” tanked, and the band got dropped, and broke up just one year later. Not every story has a happy ending, but Acceptance proved that there was light at the end of the tunnel, and reunited, releasing two more LPs.

After Midnight Project (Universal Motown Records)

Los Angeles, California’s After Midnight Project, like the aforementioned Acceptance, released two EPs, and then signed with a major label, this one in particular was known as Universal Motown Records, and put out their debut full-length, “Let’s Build Something to Break” in 2009, just making the cut here by several inches. Although the record was far from reinventing the collective alternative rock and post-hardcore wheels, its songs were truly undeniable, and all of its eleven tracks are more than solid tunes. However, the band literally built something that broke, and split up shortly after. There is no need to feel sorry for vocalist and chief songwriter Jason Evigan, as he has been racking up hit for hit since then as a co-writer and record producer for such mega successful acts as Madonna, yes, MADONNA, Demi Lovato, Nick Jonas, and Operation: Cliff Clavin.

The Apex Theory (DreamWorks Records)

DreamWorks Records, then home to platinum rock acts Papa Roach, Jimmy Eat World, Alien Ant Farm, and Human Fly Aquarium, is an often overlooked major label that seemingly disappeared shortly after conception and arrival, but this off-the-wall and extremely ambitious entry, The Apex Theory, deserves mention here for sure, even if you fools have no idea what we are talking about. The chief single from the act that eventually morphed into Mt. Helium until they broke up in 2008, “Shh… Hope Diggy,” on their lone major label LP “Topsy-Turvy” had parts in freaking 11/8, even if you can’t count that high, and showcased a groove that no other major label acts at the time or in the future possessed. Fun fact: Ontronik “Andy” Khachaturian, The Apex Theory’s lead vocalist on “Topsy-Turvy,” originally drummed for Armenian juggernauts System of a Down before they exclusively ate American Chinese cuisine.

Autopilot Off (Island Records)

As you will consistently see below, Island Records was on a rock and roll, er, roll during the ten-year period that some call the aughts, and the act formerly known as Cooter prior to their lawsuit, Orange County, NEW YORK’s Autopilot Off, was no exception to that rule, releasing a stellar EP and LP for the label. You may not have heard of this act, as whilst under their newer moniker they came and went quite quickly, but a lot of your favorite bands sure did, as they toured with acts like Sugarcult, The Ataris, Rufio, and Sean “Puffy” Combs. Also, your hero and mine, Operation Ivy/The Transplants/Rancid/Butter 08’s Tim Armstrong co-wrote two tracks on Autopilot Off’s album “Make a Sound,” and if you need to listen to ‘em before finishing this section, check out track three, “Blind Truth” and number seven, “What I Want”.

Blindside (Elektra Records)

Sometimes, and you will see down the line with several entries here, namely the final three, a band with minor and/or disappointing sales gets a second chance on a major label with more than one release there, but that is far from the norm. Stockholm, Sweden’s Blindside was one such act that almost broke out, and their two Elektra Records LPs, “Silence” and “About a Burning Fire” are two of the better mall screamo releases from that time period without question. Maybe the band was too Christian for the mainstream and not religious enough for the Cornerstone crowd. Either way, the globe’s side was, err, blind to this band, and we hope that this entry changes that for some of you miscreants; time will change your heart. Please also check out their strong pre and post-Elektra Records efforts.

Gratitude (Atlantic Records)

Forming in the first wake of Immortal/Epic Records’ Far, San Francisco, California’s Gratitude had a short and sweet run, just not sales-wise, from 2003-2005, and released a fantastic self-titled debut album for Atlantic Records just before their premature and disappointing demise. Consisting of individual members from other reverential alternative acts like Crumb and The Get-Up Kids, Gratitude put out their record to a meh whimper and definitely didn’t warrant them showcasing, for lack of a better word, gratitude to conglomerate superpower Atlantic Records, who also had Death Cab for Cutie, The Darkness, the also underrated Louis XIV, and the extremely overrated Louis Vuitton at the time. Far was definitely far ahead of their time, and sadly Gratitude, despite being solid in their own right, came out a tad too late. This is the part where we move on!

Injected (Island Records)

As stated earlier, Island Records went on a solid signing rock and roll frenzy in the ’00s, and Injected and one more surprise mention are two acts worth praising. Hailing from Atlanta, Georgia they utilized a needle and blended post-hardcore textures with a southern rock swagger courtesy of Marvelous 3’s svengali producer Butch Walker. “Burn it Black,” the band’s debut LP got some love from the WWE in the form of sync placements, but most pedestrians completely missed the act as it was active, and that’s a low-down dirty shame. Fun facts: Critics and band members from sub par publications and bands LOVED this LP, but their fan bases sadly didn’t converge and their follow-up sophomore full-length never materialized. Here’s a sad but poignant note to leave on: Guitarist Jade Lemons passed away in 2016 but vocalist Danny Grady re-recorded the band’s older unreleased material and Lemons remained on said tracks.

The Like (Geffen Records)

Some will cry bitter tears that strongly combat nepo babies like The Like and some will lament that the band was too freaking hip for their own good, but no one can counter the fact, that the songs on their debut full-length studio album, lone aughts, and pun intended, questionable major label LP “Are You Thinking What I’m Thinking?” are well constructed/executed. Basically, that’s what we say AND what we mean; we are NOT lost. Anyway, Los Angeles, California’s The Like released one more full-length in the 2010s, the curiously named “Release Me,” before splitting up, and in an act of bringing you down, we have you and only you to blame for such. Sadly it seems that the band’s label relationship was like a stalled form of June gloom and a bridge to nowhere/Terabithia in that it fell flat regarding its intended mainstream appeal.

Ludo (Island Records)

To quote The Beatles’ best song, “Number nine.” Why? Read on! In our ninth entry here, we highlight our favorite act in this piece, St. Louis, Missouri’s unsung heroes known as Ludo. Our nostalgic yet current hearts wish that their EP “Broken Bride” came out via Island Records, as a mainstream audience deserved it yet also didn’t, but we will settle for the band’s quirky and lone aughts major label release, their sophomore full-length album “You’re Awful, I Love You.” Like we mentioned above in the Sandra Bullock section of our piece, sometimes a major label gives a band with minor success another shot, and 2010s “Prepare the Preparations,” Ludo’s third and final LP is an underrated masterpiece front to back as well. Still, less than two years later, Ludo was gone, but the band has released a few singles in the 2020s and still rocks stages today.

Vendetta Red (Epic Records)

Let’s close this whilst screaming at the top of our collective/secondhand smoke lungs: Vendetta Red’s “Shatterday” should have been as big as “The Taste of Ink” and their even more underrated tune “Silhouette Serenade” should have been as successful as “Bat Country.” We. Said. It. Anyway, Seattle, Washington’s Vendetta Red released two of the more slept-upon major label rock efforts in 2003 and 2005, respectively with the straight-ahead “Between the Never and the Now,” and uber zealous concept album “Sisters of the Red Death.” We blame the band’s publicly successful record advance for alienation in the punk and “punk” scenes, but no one, and we mean NO ONE, out-Daltreyed vocalist Zach Davidson. Sadly, like the aforementioned Injected, the band also lost a band member in original member and drummer Joseph Childres in 2020. Do yourself a favor and spin these two efforts front to back and again.

Opinion: I’m Not an Alcoholic as Long as I Keep Writing Novels About the Human Condition

Posted on by Emma Jonas

To be an artist is to suffer. While my suffering may resemble what in others could be deemed “a drinking problem” and “the reason we aren’t allowed back at the Applebee’s on Lancaster,” it is in fact the burden of greatness which I must bear and which will always escape your limited and meek understanding.

I am but a humble writer, a scribe of the soul, whose artistic vitality derives most fervently from that enticing she-demon, the imbibable spirit. I am not, per your sophisticated phrasing, “just a lazy fucking asshole who blew all the rent money on Stella Artois and Johnnie Walker.”

My literary works are my belabored gift to my fellow man, my humble submission to the great library of profundity: Hemingway, Bukowski, Camus, and me. I didn’t ask to be a conduit for the same cosmic energy that drove these men to maudlin genius, but after twelve to sixteen IPAs it becomes unquestionably clear: I was meant to take up the mantle in this long line of artificers, and also Plus I’m a better driver when I’m smashed because I pay even closer attention.

Each day I endeavor to fulfill my duty-bound sacrifice when I alight to enshrine the universal truths of man: that suffering is inevitable; that life is a constant negotiation between the will to live and the desire to lay down and cease; that in a pinch a good long pull off the Listerine bottle will keep the creative juices flowing.

You say I ruined your mom’s Christmas party; I say no one perceives the reality of our Sisyphean, capitalistic desperation as clearly as I do (from underneath her antique buffet in a puddle of piss and blood).

A hangover is just an interstitial chapter wherein I explore the limits of inner and outer pain. Man’s capacity for turmoil is a bottomless well from which we leech endless, sloshing buckets of liquid suffering, and sometimes there are little chunks of food I don’t even remember eating in it.

My expansive oeuvre represents the coalescence of a lifetime of meditation on the theme of existence; of years of sacrifice I have made by drinking from the moment I awaken to the moment I pass out in whatever bush or public fountain I happen to be near; of one man’s stumbling journey into the urine-soaked, Odyssean inferno of hell in pursuit of art; and the fact that I have self-published all twenty-nine of my novels using Shutterfly is only a further testament to the universal singularity of the sacrifices I have lovingly made for my fellow man. Although I hope to god a publisher will call me back because my doctor says I need a liver transplant if I’m going to continue my aesthetic pursuits or, as she calls it, “guzzling liquor like a frat pledge on rumspringa.”

Punk Dad Feeling Nostalgic for Life Before Kids After Seeing Carefree Man Passed Out in Trough Urinal

Posted on by Matt Husser

CHICAGO — Punk dad Paul Bourne was briefly overcome by a wave of nostalgia for his reckless life before kids after seeing a carefree man passed out in a trough urinal, sources close to the man confirmed.

“I needed five minutes away from my kids so I went to the bathroom even though I didn’t need to pee, and when I walked in there he was—a guy basically living my dream life just passed out in a trough urinal, not a care in the world,” said Bourne, staring wistfully at the urine soaked man sleeping peacefully in the metal tub. “Shit, I haven’t slept that soundly in my own bed in years. I love my kids, but I couldn’t help but be nostalgic for a time in my life when I had no responsibilities, nothing holding me down—back when I could get so wasted I’d wake up two days later in a treehouse wearing nothing but a stolen firefighters jacket. Now I can’t even get a buzz when I help my kid make a model fire truck because airplane glue is non-toxic bullshit nowadays.”

Bourne’s wife, Meg, also admitted a nostalgia for their shitfaced youth, but expressed that those days were likely over.

“You think I don’t miss the time when I got so obliterated that I stole a police horse, rode it across the Mexican border, and founded a drug cartel? Of course I miss la Raza and the Cristobal Cartel, but we have kids now, and that’s all in the past,” said the mother of two, wiping a mystery substance from their oldest kid’s face. “If Paul and I could find the time for a date night I’d love to get so maggoted together we’d wake up in a hotel room not knowing who’s vomit was on the ceiling. But unfortunately nowadays if anyone is gonna be waking up in their own piss and puke, it’s our kids.”

Mutual friend Dre Morgan sympathized with the couple’s plight but offered reassurance that rowdier, drunker times were just on the horizon.

“It might seem like you lost part of yourself when you had kids, but eventually they’ll get older and you’ll be able to reclaim some freedom — hell my Uncle and his old lady just went on this three-month Carnival Cruise last month. They got so wasted off cheap wine they smuggled in that they trashed their room, stole a lifeboat, and woke up 200 miles away in Cuba,” said Morgan, googling how to wire money to Havana. “They settled down long enough to put three kids through college, and look at them now! They’re living proof that you can have a family and still get so drunk you commit treason from time to time.”

At press time, The Bournes were planning on leaving the kids with family so they could take a romantic, drug-fueled weekend away in Reno getting plastered, robbing an underground casino and escaping to the desert in a stolen RV.

“Did You Cum Too?” Asks Man After Shutting off “Fast & Furious 6”

Posted on by Malia Simon

NEW BRUNSWICK, N.J. — Local man Max Broderson reportedly ended a romantic viewing of “Fast & Furious 6” by asking his date if she also climaxed, sources waiting patiently for an Uber confirmed.

“I am an attentive lover first and foremost. The Fast franchise is about family and looking out for each other, and so I want to make sure my date is having a good time and also getting her needs fulfilled,” said Broderson from the studio apartment he shares with two other roommates. “For example, I’d be happy to play ‘Fast & Furious 7’ I just worry because this relationship is so new I’m not sure if I want her to see me cry when Paul Walker and Vin Diesel drive away from each other at the end of the film. Rest in peace Paul, I hope to see you when I get there. But if she needs the next four movies to get over the top I’m willing to do it, especially because I know some women can take a while. I can go all night, or at least for all 17.5 hours of the franchise.”

Broderson’s date, Kelsey Turner, confirms the interaction was one of the most surprising sexual encounters she has ever had.

“I thought Max was exaggerating when he told me he will ‘literally cum his pants during the airplane sequence,’ but I guess he was dead serious,” Turner said. “When he asked if I came, I had no idea what to say. I mean, I’ve faked orgasms before, and I’ve also faked liking ‘Fast & Furious’ movies, but never at the same time. I just told him I got close but am on Prozac.”

“Fast & Furious” franchise producer Randall Henrickson addressed the recently discovered phenomenon of women failing to experience orgasms during the movies.

“It’s disappointing to hear that these films aren’t making every woman that watches cum so hard they forget their own phone number, that has always been our intention,” Henrickson said.
“Are we sure there’s not a third variable at play here? For instance, let’s imagine a woman—for the sake of the example, let’s call her ‘my wife.’ And let’s say you play ‘my wife’ all 10 ‘Fast & Furious’ movies and she still reports no climactic sexual pleasure. Is it possible that the woman is simply too distracted or too in her own head to fully let the action sequences take control of her body and rev through her loins like you can? Has that been taken into consideration when we calculate the figures?”

At press time, Broderson was seen offering his date more foreplay and putting on “The Godfather 3.”

Inspiring: Introvert Breaks Out of His Shell by Going to a Bar To Look at His Phone

Posted on by Eric Degliomini

For most self-described introverts, a night on the town is something that’s generally avoided. But local introvert Alex Lorenz has been breaking out of his anti-social bubble over the last two months by walking five minutes to the local dive bar to look at his phone!

Amazing!

Other introverts looking to get mildly buzzed would normally enjoy a glass of wine at home but not Alex! He’s becoming quite the social butterfly at the bar doing everything from reading Stephen King books on his phone to learning Japanese in Duolingo on his phone. He’s got a 100 day streak and the woman trying to make eye contact with him across the room isn’t about to break it!

Alex has become a ray of sunshine to the bar’s staff. The first time he came in, bartender Mckayala Patterson thought he was just “another guy looking to hit on her in the most uncharismatic way imaginable”. But after sitting in silence for two hours posting memes on Discord, he quickly became her favorite customer!

It didn’t take long for Alex to ingrain himself amongst the bar’s regulars either. He’s become a fixture at Trivia Night, being the only person in the room not playing trivia and looking at TikTok. Every offer he received to join a group playing pool has been declined to spend time making a grocery shopping list for the week. And on karaoke nights he’s the first one to not sing anything in favor of adding movies to his Letterboxd watchlist.

He’s making a positive impact for the other customers too! After tersely shutting down a man wearing a cowboy hat offering discount cards to his CBD dispensary, the man dejectedly left the bar immediately improving the atmosphere for everyone. What a guy!

You have to hand it to Alex, not many other introverts are willing to step outside themselves to go to a bar on a Saturday night, drink one beer, and stand in the corner schedule sending work emails for Monday. When asked if he intends to share his newfound confidence anywhere else, Alex revealed plans next weekend to sit on a park bench and text “hey” to all his unanswered Tinder messages from a month ago. An inspiration to introverts everywhere!

Slayer Fan Hopes Reunion Tour Schedule Doesn’t Conflict With Capitol Riot Court Date

Posted on by Matt Husser

JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — Local metalhead Trent Clayton remains hopeful that the Slayer reunion festival tour schedule didn’t conflict with his pending Capitol Riot court date, confirmed multiple sources.

“Just my luck, Slayer reunites after five years and it’s the same time big government decides they want to put me on trial for, uh, my patriotic tour I allegedly took at the Capitol on January 6th,” said Clayton, while his lawyer nudged him and whispered something in his ear. “I went to five dates on their Final World Tour and was really careful to make sure any crimes I committed were just misdemeanors. I wouldn’t have done anything allegedly ‘treasonous’ if I knew they were gonna get back together! I mean they couldn’t have waited til next year after Trump pardons everyone?”

Clayton’s lawyer Archie Gladstone was busy fielding calls from potential clients all over the country that were in the same predicament.

“Ever since they announced the tour dates my phone hasn’t stopped ringing with clients asking if I can get their court date moved so they can go to Riot Fest. As their lawyer, I advise my clients that missing a court date to go to a concert would be a very bad idea—but as a motherfucking Slayer fan, no federal prison bars could hold me back,” said Gladstone, rolling up his sleeve to reveal a Slayer logo carved into his forearm. “Like it says on my billboard, ‘Just because you did it, doesn’t mean they can prove it.’ Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to order some new business cards so I can pass them out in the pit in case this turns into Capitol Riot Fest.”

Slayer guitarist Kerry King encouraged fans to make it to the dates, or else they might miss the band’s Final Final World Tour.

“Man I don’t give a shit if you don’t think you can go—buy tickets anyways, break your parole, whatever you gotta do, I wanna see the crowd full of Slayer fans because these are definitely the last Slayer tour dates ever,” said King, crossing out ‘Final’ on a world tour poster from 2019. “At least these will be the last North American dates, some of those oil-rich countries pay stupid money for live shows. We would love to Qatar sometime, just thinking of all the rare snakes I could buy with that sort of money gives me goosebumps.”

At press time, former president Donald Trump announced that he would be capitalizing on the situation by selling bootleg $400 gold merch with ‘DONALD TRUMP’ in the Slayer logo font.