OTTAWA — Local office employee Keith Nolan reported that he finally achieved the ultimate work-life balance by deciding to drink at work, according to witnesses watching him stumble around.
“After all these years yearning for a more balanced relationship between home and work, I finally did it!” slurred Nolan. “This company never gave a shit about mental health or giving us more time for ourselves, so I had no choice but to take matters into my own hands and advocate for Keith because nobody else would. Sure, I still have to come into the office every day, but now that I’m buzzed I’m having the time of my life, while still being super productive. The best part is that nobody even knows what I’m up to. I’m so fucking smart!”
Long-time coworker Dana McCredy offered her opinion on Nolan’s newfound happiness.
“Um, yeah, he’s not fooling anyone, this whole place knows he’s boozing at work,” McCredy stated. “It doesn’t take a genius to know what he’s up to when he walks out periodically with a backpack full of bottles loudly clanking around inside, before returning a short time later with a giant smile and glazed look on his face. Nobody wants to rat him out because he’s actually more pleasant to be around now, even though his work is shittier than usual. As long as you avoid being caught in the elevator with him at the end of the day when his stench is most obvious, you’re good.”
HR Leader Sam Cruzman described the importance of allowing staff to balance their personal and professional lives.
“Companies competing for talent have learned that allowing employees certain perks is simply good business,” said Cruzman. “Sure, most of the time those perks involve flexible hours, game rooms, or free lunches, but more unconventional policies can also make a difference. If the only way an institution can improve morale is by allowing or at least turning their heads to staff drinking, doing drugs, or even having sex in the office, then maybe it’s a risk worth taking. Vice Media comes to mind. On second thought, nevermind. That’s a horrible idea.”
At press time, Nolan was found by a colleague slumped in the elevator, passed out in his own piss.