BAYONNE, N.J. — American author George R. R. Martin teamed up with members of Streetlight Manifesto to announce plans to collaborate on a new project aimed at keeping fans in suspense indefinitely, confirmed disappointed sources.
“I’ve actually been a huge Streetlight Manifesto fan for a while,” said Martin. “Lyrically, I find the grim reality of Westeros has a lot in common with ska. So much so, and I won’t say which one, but I’ve based a major villain in my ‘A Song of Ice of Fire’ saga on the singer of the Mighty Mighty Bosstones. I realized Streetlight hadn’t released a record in 11 years! I knew then I wanted to reach out and collaborate on something where we can really make the fans bash their heads against a wall out of frustration.”
Fans were buzzing with excitement about the possibility of not getting something new.
“I’m surprised and excited. Receiving word of a delay is just as exhilarating as the product itself,” gushed Luke Matthews, a fan of both Martin and Streetlight Manifesto. “What really sets them both apart from their peers is how much creative energy they spend on writing about how they are not writing. Two titans of delays teaming up to find new and innovative ways to avoid giving the fans what they want, it’s hard to fathom and I can’t believe it’s happening. I’m just really looking forward to not getting anything for years to come. Possibly ever again. Who knows? Maybe they’ll even start un-releasing previous works. You never know with those guys.”
However, some had concerns that this collaboration might actually have other less ideal ramifications.
“In order for this project between them to be a success they actually have to avoid collaborating together,” said pop culture historian Nick Lewsen. “Given their history of using other projects to avoid the ones fans really care about — all of sudden ‘The Winds of Winter’ and a new record are all but guaranteed to be finished and released. And I’m just not sure how I feel about that.”
As of press time, both Martin and Streetlight Manifesto independently revealed the intricacies of wearing vintage fisherman and engineer hats while offering no new information on their joint project.
One surefire way to become a guest on the Joe Rogan show is to get a bunch of people to compare you to Hitler, and we all know Hitler made a name for himself during WWII, but what about the men who made that great war possible in the first place? Today, as a special treat, Joe welcomes former Japanese Prime Minister Fumimaro Konoye, whose Wikipedia page Joe will read at him occasionally pausing to ask hard-hitting questions like “You did that stuff? Wow.” and “The bioavailability of fish protein is insane, right?” You’re gonna want an extra cup of Black Rifle Coffee and lion’s mane mushroom extract on hand as Joe breaks down how Konoye’s dissolvement of all rival political parties was a lot like his move to Spotify.
Ante Pavelić was the dictator of The Independent State of Croatia from 1941 to 1945, head of the ultranationalist organization Ustaša, and recipient of the Grand Cross of the Order of the German Eagle awarded by Hitler himself. After Joe harshly condemns his genocidal actions against Jews, Serbs, Roma, and anti-Fascists as “whacky” and “pretty nutty if I’m being honest dude” (right to his face!) the boys talk about how cool the Grand Cross looks, the importance of medals and the drive it takes to achieve them. Need nootropics on the go? Try Neurogum today. Use promo code JRE for $10 off your first order.
Fascist leaders are like highlanders bro—in the end, there can only be one. Of all the heads Hitler chopped off to gain the political equivalent of the quickening, Dollfuss’s probably… gave off the most sparks? I don’t know, I’m pretty high right now. From his humble beginnings as Minister of Agriculture and Forestry (before the libs took it over and made it all political yo) Dollfuss (or Dollfuß if you’re nasty) rose to become dictator of Austria. On paper, it sounds like he and Hitler would be great friends, but apparently, they weren’t because of some complicated history shit? Today Joe sits down with the former Chancellor of Austria to get to the bottom of this, but he doesn’t really pay a lot of attention and they wind up going on a tirade about trans athletes. Sick fucking episode, buckle up.
Brazil, retirement paradise of Nazi war criminals and home to some of the fiercest fighters in the world thanks to genetics and an 80% Toxoplasmosis infection rate brah. Today Joe has the pleasure of chatting with Getúlio Vargas, who served as President of Brazil from 1930 to 1945, and then again from 1951 to 1954. Hmm, a lot of these fascist dictator guys seem to have gaps like that… probably nothing to worry about. Anyway, Joe helps break down how Getúlio is proof positive that America can work with, not against fascist dictators by sighting FDR’s support of Estado Novo before devolving into a diatribe about how young people are going gay to get into Ivy League schools, all brought to you by the good people at Athletic Greens.
Should a country dismiss the legacy of a bonafide war hero just because he went on to seize control of the government and collaborate with one itsy bitsy Nazi dictator? Joe doesn’t think so! In the interest of fair and balanced media, Joe wants to give Pétain a chance to tell his side of the story. They’ll talk about how giving the slightest, completely empty protest to deporting French Jews to concentration camps wasn’t actually a big deal, why Charles De Gaulle was a cuck, and how to stay fit in exile way into your ’90s (hint, the secret isn’t soy milk bra!) Brought to you by Zip Recruiter.
Stalin’s got the kill count, Hitler’s got the branding, but isn’t there something to be said for staying power? Serving as Prime Minister of Portugal from 1932 to 1968, Oliveira established one of the longest-lived authoritarian regimes in all of modern Europe. Think about that bro! Today Joe picks his brain about how to best ward off contenders to the throne (he’s seeing Theo Von in his rearview a lot lately,) how to get ahead in fascism by adamantly claiming not to be a fascist, and how totalitarianism and capitalism can totes coexist!
Any Roganite knows it takes some seriously high T to become a fascist dictator, but pulling that shit off in the country that invented wrestling bro? Now that’s some real MAN shit. That’s probably why his whole country called him Daddy. Well, that and the fact that he demanded they do it. This week Joe sits with the Freethinkker’s Party founder to talk about how the Greek economic collapse of 2007 never would have happened with a strongman like him making all the decisions, the importance of book burnings, and how Pankration paved the way for mixed martial arts in 648 B.C.
In today’s guest corner, we have Il Duce, the founder, the Ray Kroc of fascism, it’s Benito Mussolini! This is the man who showed the greats how it was done, and Joe will be quick to remind you that he means “great” in the Dan Carlin way, with a big “G,” not great as in good. He’ll say it a lot though, to the point where you start to think “Is this a dog whistle? Does he want it both ways or something?” Mussolini laid out the blueprint of government that would be copied and adopted by nearly all Axis powers, basically what Joe did for the carnivore diet. Anyway, Joe takes him to task with hard-hitting critiques like “Yeah I mean, I can’t condone what you did and what it inspired, but like, you’re an O.G dude, that’s undeniable.”
When we think of WWII-era fascist Axis leaders, after efficiency, we think of very bad people who murdered Jews. Well, what if Joe Rogan told you that the dictator of Romania actually SAVED the majority of Jews in Romania proper from deportation to Poland? And what if Joe forgot to mention that he did so by killing 400,000 Jews in Romanian territories, seizing all wealth and property from the ones he didn’t deport, and pretty much just leaving the time and manner of their execution “TBD?” Well, Joe would get right on X (not Twitter) and post a correction, calling himself an idiot, but reminding you that you’re the bigger idiot for listening to him in the first place. Then he would go right back to directly influencing a sizable portion of the voting population.
The man himself. From Duncan Trussell to Elon Musk, it has all been leading to this folks. For years Joe has been telling his guests that it’s completely unfair they get compared to Hitler. Today, he reveals that this sentiment comes from a place of love and adoration. If you thought his Trump interview was a sycophantic cards-on-the-table moment, you ain’t seen nothing yet. After some light token criticism over his extermination of “an unclear number” of Jewish people, Rogan invites Hitler to open up about what it’s like to be a victim of liberal media bias. Joe can’t post the video out of fear of being shadowbanned, but there is totally a clip out there of “The View” hosts praising Hitler before the leftist political machine made them reverse course brah.
