Bartender Exhausted From Long Day of Ignoring Patrons

Posted on by Ben Friedman

MINNEAPOLIS — Local bartender Scott Wilson informed his coworkers he’d be taking an indefinite smoke break as he’d reached the point of exhaustion from ignoring patrons all day, witnesses have confirmed.

“People think I have it easy, that I just pour drinks and make small talk all day. But industry folks know that’s only like 2% of the job, the other 98% is avoiding eye contact with customers while curating a new playlist for the bar. And in that regard, today has been nonstop action. If I have to turn my back to another person asking for the check, I’m going to collapse,” said Wilson. “I’ve heard some customers griping, but I’d like to see them do my job and not prioritize making TikTok sketches over pouring beers. Unless they’re a hot goth baddie, they can wait 20 minutes between drinks.”

Barback Kevin Garrett noticed how Wilson possessed such a low drive to do literally anything.

“When I first started I thought this was one of those themed establishments where they treat you like crap on purpose, so I was still laboring under the delusion that I’d work my way up to bartender by busting my ass. Scott is proof that acting aloof and openly talking shit with coworkers is how you make it in this industry,” said Garrett. “If this job has taught me anything, it’s that meritocracy is bullshit and you can get away with doing less than bare minimum if you’re hooking up the general manager with adderall. If he asks me to change the channel on the TV while he swipes through Hinge again, I’m stealing his tips.”

The bar’s owner has noticed a cultural shift with his newer employee across all the establishments that he oversees.

“I have no idea where the hell all these lethargic hipster bartenders are coming from! They do realize it’s possible to socialize and work at the same time, right? Scott is like the sixth or seventh employee I’ve received complaints about being brushed off. And these are the same employees putting in copious amounts of mental health day requests,” said Earl Dawson. “For what it’s worth, the whole ‘look in every direction but me’ vibe is successful in the trendier urban settings. Something about being negged gets people in the door.”

After his break, Wilson announced he’d be leaving his coworkers to deal with the happy hour rush after seeing two people sitting at the bar.

Take It From Me: Removing Two Ribs Doesn’t Work

Posted on by Ryan Danley

Alright, let’s get right to it. You know the rumor we’ve heard since the playgrounds at catholic school— I call it the ‘Marilyn Manson.” “If you remove some ribs, you can… suck your own dick.” And like any determined dude looking to transcend reality’s limitations, I thought:’ Let’s do this!’ Well, after a questionable surgery, some dicey recovery time, and a heavy dose of regret, I’m here to say: it doesn’t work. At all. Not even fucking close dude.

Yes, I was committed — maybe a bit too much. You could call it a quest for self-reliance or maybe a misguided attempt at personal convenience. I mean, we live in an age where meal kits show up at your door and drones deliver snacks; why not try for a similar arrangement in sucking your own dick? So I found a “Dr. Nick” in a local mini-mall. He didn’t ask many questions, just took my money and handed me a waiver that looked like it had been edited with a Sharpie and held together with scotch tape. I signed without a second thought—what’s a couple of ribs for a life-changing opportunity?

After surgery, I was ready to try my newfound “freedom.” But then came the problem: bending forward wasn’t as easy or comfortable as I’d imagined. It hurt—a lot. Turns out, ribs aren’t just there to keep your organs from sloshing around like an unattended Jell-O salad; they actually provide important structural support. Without two of them, I found myself struggling just to sit upright, let alone contort into some mythical self-sufficiency dick-sucking stance. Instead of acrobatic flexibility, I got intense back pain, a newfound understanding of my skeleton’s role in keeping me upright, and something I can only describe as “severe lung pain.”

I tried everything — stretching, yoga, even an acrobatics class. But I could barely manage to bend over without looking like I was in a body horror film. Meanwhile, my organs staged a silent rebellion, sighing dramatically every time I tried to take a deep breath. Eventually, I consulted a “real” doctor, who gave me a sympathetic look and said, “Did you not know that ribs are there for a reason?” Turns out, my previous doctor had skipped that part, too focused on how “liberated” I’d feel.

And that brings us to the painful lesson: leave your ribs where they are. Keep those bones and thank your body for the work it does keeping you from folding in half like a beach chair. If you’re thinking of surgery to gain some mythical “advantage,” I assure you, the cost isn’t worth it—mainly because there is no reward. Let’s leave rib removal to the shock rockers. I’ll be over here, a humbled guy with two fewer ribs, learning to love my semi-functional body just the way it is. Goddammit.

Guitarist Has Recurring Nightmare That Crowd Can Actually Hear Bassist

Posted on by Carson Kile

PHILADELPHIA — Local guitarist Diego Luna of the punk outfit The Nutchests reported suffering from a recurring nightmare where the crowd can actually hear their bassist’s performance, horrified sources report.

“Normally, I can sleep soundly knowing that those bass notes are buried in a mix,” said a half awake Luna, as he mixed Red Bull into his coffee. “But ever since he said his favorite musician was Sid Vicious, I’ve had these terrible dreams that people can actually hear the cacophony he’s making. Every time I close my eyes for the sweet release of sleep, I’m disturbed by visions of my bassist forgetting he’s tuned to drop D on a song we wrote in standard, but continuing to play it like normal anyways. The dreams have only gotten worse since he bought a five-string. We don’t have any songs where that is even necessary, so it’s just more wrong notes for him to play. I might just start handing him an unplugged bass and saying we finally got our wireless setup to work.”

The Nutchests’ bassist Adam Cyril expressed concern for Luna’s frantic mental state.

“I really hate to see Diego like this, I can tell the pressure has gone to his head,” remarked Cyril, completely oblivious to the low, rumbling feedback coming from his amp. “He’s so paranoid that I might accidentally produce sound that he’s turned every knob in a 10-mile radius down to zero, on the off chance they might control volume. I want to text him and tell him everything will be okay, but I haven’t been able to use my phone since he chopped off all my fingers. I was glad to hear he’s been feeling much more at ease since he started re-recording my parts on our demo tape. It’s nice to see him practicing self-care.”

Luna’s therapist Dr. Will Henson commented on the disturbing content of his client’s dreams.

“I just can’t take it anymore,” cried Dr. Henson, as he rocked back and forth in a fetal position. “I’ve had to cancel all of Diego’s future appointments because I can’t bear to hear the horrible details of his dreams again. The way he describes his bassist nodding to the beat of a song and still playing audibly off-tempo makes me sick to my stomach. It’s the most hopeless case I’ve heard in my 23 years as a therapist, and I’ve seriously had to consider a career change these past few months. If you or someone you love is at risk of becoming a bassist, my advice is to replace it with a safer, healthier alternative, like alcohol.”

At press time, The Nutchests’ drummer checked himself into a mental hospital after hearing the parts his bandmates had written for him.

Opinion: It’s Time To Reconcile With the Fact That Being “brat” Isn’t Enough for America

Posted on by Tyler Roland

As America found out on November 5th, it took more than being “brat” to win the election. Charli XCX, the Mother of all Mothers, endorsed Kamala when she replaced Biden, yet the hottest pop girlie of 2024 couldn’t keep Trump from taking back the White House.

Never mind that it should be the brat Green House now, and have a spot for Boiler Room sets in the West Wing. We need to learn from the past to see what the left needs to get right in 2028.

This was no “Pokémon Go to the Polls,” folks. Kamala and Charli were destined for greatness. When Kamala burst onto the scene with that whole “coconut tree” thing, and Charli made waves with the song “girl, so confusing,” the pair seemed meant to be.

If only Bushwick got 100 electoral votes. If only Kamala’s campaign centered around legalizing poppers. She had the perfect chance to attack Trump not as a fascist, but as “very mindful, very demure,” and run with brat all the way to November. Lean the fuck into it! I mean, look at Trump with Grimes’ ex!

Sadly, playing these “what-if” games is futile now. You want to know how badly she fucked up? All the MAGA movement needed from the world of music was Kid Rock and that guy who used to fuck you up in high school that scream-raps into his phone over a $5.99 beat. Those endorsements pushed them while the DNC was trying to get Biden on a remix of “club classics” so he could support his VP with grace and dignity from afar.

Since Trump won with has-beens and, let’s face it, brat Summer will be forgotten the way Barbenheimer is now by next year, let’s have the Dems try the same trick in 2028. Have the campaign ads say that brat’s lime-ass green is the new blue—and I guarantee that the right will have met their Charli-stanning match.

Local Man Confidently Claims He Invented Putting Chips in Sandwich

Posted on by Alex Vlahov

HAYWARD, Calif. — Local man Nathaniel Poppavich is hell-bent on claiming his “rightful place in history” as the inventor of placing potato chips inside of sandwiches, skeptical sources report.

“It’s like someone else getting credit for your masterpiece,” shared an angered Poppavich, crunching up a bag of barbecue chips before sprinkling the contents on an Italian sub. “I remember the moment clearly. It was 2010: I was so hungover and wanted to house all of this food at once, just slam it into my face-hole. I saw the sandwich, I saw the chips, the rest is history. But did the acknowledgment ever come? Nope. I coulda been a celebrity chef or something. I knew I was destined to be ripped off, just like my dad who invented freestyle rap in the ‘80s, or my grandpa who invented sangria. What a sad world.”

A-1 Deli owner Bozo Anastopoulos wishes Nathaniel would back away from the claim.

“He is a nuisance, the chip man,” claimed Anastopoulos while eyeing teenagers in the back aisle of his deli. “He comes in here, he leans on the counter all day, he crunches the chips and puts them in his sandwich, he makes a mess–also, he brings in the sandwich from Togo’s, not ordering here! So rude, so disrespectful. He autographs printer-paper headshots as ‘Chips in Sandwich Guy,’ smearing the handouts with greasy oil fingers. He can tell those lies, but not inside here. A-1 Deli is a temple of honesty, which is why yesterday’s egg salad is half off.”

However, historian Laurel P. Judson presents sources that challenge Nathaniel’s claim.

“The origins of the ‘crisp sandwich’ can be traced back to an article from the early 1950s,” countered Judson from her office in the Memphis Sandwich Institute. “There are actually stories of Prague circus strongmen stuffing fried potato rinds between bread-crusts as sustenance during famine. In fact, Jimmy Carter was particularly fond of the practice, perhaps the most interesting fact about him. I understand Poppavich’s yearning for immortality–who doesn’t want to be remembered beyond this skin husk? Hell, I’ve been trying to publish my edible sandwich book for years now. I’ve tried explaining this, but instead he just crinkles chips over the phone.”

At press time, Poppavich is claiming to have invented the concept of ‘Hot Ones’ when daring his college roommates to try ghost pepper hot sauce.

Nice: This Punk Is Down to Bumming Half a Pack a Day

Posted on by Dom Turek

You don’t need nicotine patches, Allen Carr audiobooks, or pricy hypnosis sessions to quit smoking. Contrary to the advice of addiction specialists, you can usually cut back with some good old-fashioned willpower, and by having all your friends tell you to, “Grow up and buy your own goddamn pack if you want a cigarette so fucking bad.”

When you’re young, hot, and charismatic, you can bum almost anything. Drugs, alcohol, jobs, sex, and especially cigarettes were all just one “Hey man, mind if I get in on that?” away, but time has a way of catching up with you. One day you find yourself as a 38-year-old man invited to a BYOB party where you’re actually expected to bring your own beer. The second I got my first gray hair, it seemed like even the gas stations in town made a pact to stop selling me loose cigarettes because suddenly it was “against federal law.”

If only people could see that I’m still a hot, financially irresponsible 16-year-old trapped in a rapidly aging body, they’d have more sympathy for me. It’s hard remaining young at heart when everyone around you grows bitter and cynical. It’s as if saying, “C’mon man, I’d give you a cigarette if I had one,” is no longer an effective bartering tactic. I mean, if my best friends don’t care that in a hypothetical world where I have a hypothetical pack of cigarettes and would hypothetically give them one, I have to seriously reconsider the type of greedmongers I hang out with.

Fortunately, It’s not all bad news. Being involuntarily forced to cut back doesn’t come without its benefits. My tattoo infections are healing at twice their usual speed, and now that coffee and discarded pizza crusts no longer satiate me, I’ve finally made it into a healthy BMI bracket. Even the skin on my fingertips is returning to what I can only assume is its natural color.

Whenever my cravings get extra strong, I find that positive affirmations like, “I am stronger than my cravings,” or “Health over addiction” are helpful mantras, but if that fails, having everyone tell you to, “Fuck off and get a job” is also effective. At the rate people are denying me access to free drugs, smokes, alcohol, and sex, I should be completely sober and abstinent by next year.

Metalhead Farmer Reports Highest Sorrow Harvest in Decades

Posted on by Zachary Wolf

GREENTOWN, Ind. — Local metalhead and harvester Jonas Fitzgerald says this year’s sorrow yield is the highest in decades, according to sources with inside knowledge of the situation.

“Oh, it’s a really good crop this year, real good,” said Fitzgerald while blasting Immortal from the inside of his brand new combine harvester. “I’d credit all this sorrow to the US elections, climate change, droughts, wildfires, floods, impending world war, rampant toxic masculinity, an unstable housing market, corrupt Supreme Court, sky-high grocery prices, post-pandemic profiteering, record-breaking CEO salaries, lack of health care, Project 2025, gas prices, diminishing women’s rights, unchecked transphobia, racism, crumbling infrastructures, gerrymandering, education cuts, DNC impotence, spending any amount of time on your X account, reading YouTube comments, and the death of Richard Simmons.”

Glen Park, manager of Park’s Farm Supply and Feed store, says he’s doing all he can to keep up with demand.

“I’ve never sold this many silos in one harvest season,” claimed Park as he snapped his suspenders. “Greentown will look like New York City if I have to keep building this many silos to store all the sorrow. It’s a good problem to have, I suppose, as years of optimism meant smaller and smaller harvests. You’re hard-pressed to find anyone optimistic about anything these days, though, unless they’re a complete moron that lives underneath a rock and has never heard ‘…And Justice for All.’”

Economic expert Joshua Timberbrandt predicts that this is only the beginning.

“Exploiting vulnerable populations is more profitable than it’s ever been,” said Timberbrandt while moving money to off-shore bank accounts. “Pressing my thumb down on the most at-risk segments of the population has made me rich beyond my wildest dreams, and I’m the son of a billionaire. The trick is to make people more desperate so they have no choice but to keep paying more and more for less and less. Give them a million things to worry about and they’ll never be able to focus on any one issue long enough to try and change things. And now that ol’ Donny is back in office, I only expect things to get better. For people like me, that is.”

At press time, Fitzgerald was seen mowing portions of his corn field using nothing but the sharp edges of a B.C. Rich Warlock.

Ten Underrated Albums From 2001 That Could Have Stopped 9/11 If Someone Were Listening to Them on the Plane

Posted on by Scott Waldman

Just before America bled and shortly after Y2K failed, the 21st century started with a rock/roll bang, or whimper depending upon which of you miscreants is reading this with the advent of iTunes in early January. Shortly after, the President known as George Herbert Walker Bush took office, and until late-2016, we thought that this was the worst possible option for our great nation, but he seems super sweet now for a domestic terrorist with his adroable bond with Michelle Obama. 2001 also had some monumental albums from blink-182, The Strokes, System of a Down, Dashboard Confessional, and more acts that STILL stream well. This article is not about these J-date success stories, but it is designed to highlight the top ten most underrated full-length studio albums from 2001 in alphabetical order. You hate us because you ain’t us, so we know we’re wrong already.

Bad Astronaut “Acrophobe”

Side projects don’t usually get the same love as their prequel episode, and mostly for valid reasons, but Bad Astronaut’s debut full-length studio album “Acrophobe” managed to be superior to SOME, but not ALL Lagwagon records; All is a great band too but we digress. Joey Cape is the prolific gent behind BA and Its multi-genre sound landscape is different in the best way, and you likely missed it because you were too busy talking about “The Sopranos.” The band released two more albums but sadly closed shop in 2006 after the death of drummer Derrick Plourde. To add insult to injury, after the band reunited in 2010, they lost another drummer as Erik Herzog also passed away. Although the band is forever marred in not one, but two tragedies, their catalog remains standing the test of time, and “Acrophobe” is timely AND timeless any day, month, or year.

Breaking Pangaea “Cannon to a Whisper”

Google Fred Mascherino and you will find A LOT of bands that he has been a part of including his current stint Say Anything and The Lemonheads… but we are here to discuss the oft-overlooked Breaking Pangaea, which is likely mispronounced even more than Mascherino. The band also featured Will Noon on drums, who later moonlit in Straylight Run. “Cannon to a Whisper” is BP’s only full-length studio effort and it came out at the very tail end of 2001, making it eligible for this esteemed list by just under twenty-one days. Sadly the band broke up just three years later, but happily they reunited for a one-off show in 2019. If you think that Warped tour vets can’t play their instruments, then you definitely haven’t seen punk legend John Mayer cosplaying Jerry Garcia.

Every Time I Die “Last Night In Town”

Every Time I Die is a critical darling in inferior publications, but their public love often starts with their sophomore full-length “Hot Damn!” and subsequently moves forward, skipping this underrated gem. However, both literally and figuratively, “Hot Damn” would not be their second if “Last Night In Town” was eliminated from history, and this release is a brutal by definition introduction to the band. Want proof? Play it for your octogenarian Grandma and count how many seconds it takes her to say, “Turn that racket off!” Enter without knocking, notify the police, DON’T listen to her, and blast LNIT even louder; that’ll show ‘em. Buffalo’s favorite sons not named Goo Goo Dolls deserve more listens on this LP.

Fenix TX “Lechuza”

Fenix TX’s last full-length studio album “Lechuza” is quite the paradox as it managed to be certified gold yet still under the radar. Maybe it’s because the pop-punk boom was, uh, booming? Maybe it’s because it’s significantly heavier than its self-titled predecessor? Or maybe it’s because it was reviewed poorly in whack “news” outlets? Whatever it is, we’re touched by it much like Judge Reinhold in the 1980s comedy goldmine “Fast Times at Ridgemont High.” We may get flak for this, but “Lechuza” is Fenix TX’s best album, just ask the cast of 1980s drama gem “Stand By Me,” Jem is truly outrageous (truly, truly, truly outrageous). Barn owls, pastures of muppets, dead horses, and the state of Texas would all combine together into a happy tearjerker if you put this LP in heavy rotation.

Mad Caddies “Rock The Plank”

Ska record one of two in this piece: If you like your ska with a heavy morsel of Dixieland, well Mad Caddies’ “Rock The Plank” is for you. Jack Sparrow approved this very entry, and because of said accolade the Goleta, California band’s third album doesn’t let up from start to finish with an “R” and the “Sea.” Actually, the band’s entire catalog is too slept on for its own good, so you should dig into the two that came before “Rock The Plank” and the others that followed. FYI: Track two, “Mary Melody” is a personal favorite and easily not only one of the best songs on this album, but one of their most high quality numbers altogether… What can WE do? Just try NOT to tap your feet and/or smile to this one! Spoiler alert from Paul Heyman: You can’t. No no no.

Muse “Origin Of Symmetry”

Yes, fools, we know before we write the rest of this section that many of you will scoff at this entry and your cold hearts that have yet to merge into a supermassive black hole, but stateside it took Muse one more album for things to start to literally plug in, baby, so this one is a new born for many domestically; we’re feeling good about these Easter Egg mentions but not about your lack of acumen. Disagree? Well this album wasn’t even released in the US until four years later, so you can take your attitude to where the sun doesn’t shine. In closing, Muse absolutely put the “power” in power trio into “Origin Of Symmetry,” and eventually took over the world. Lucky concert attendees usually get to hear a song or two from this full-length studio album at Muse rock/roll/party/soul shows.

Rocket From The Crypt “Group Sounds”

A horn section playing in a band that ISN’T ska? Blasphemy OR badass? You decide, but we know that it’s mad cool, daddy-o, AND we love ska unironically; if you don’t believe us, look into our ska week that took place earlier this year. After leaving Interscope Records shortly after their also underrated almost self-titled acronym named album, San Diego’s Rocket From The Crypt signed to Vagrant Records and released “Group Sounds,” which is exactly that but more fiery. Self-produced albums are a mixed bag with more rotten apples than crisp/juicy ones, but RFTC proved to the haters that they had all things production and arrangement under AND out of control. Fun fact: The band played this album in full at Riot Fest in 2022.

Rx Bandits “Progress”

Ska record two of two in this piece: If you like your ska with a combination of every musical genre in existence, well Rx Bandits’ “Progress” is for you. Easily one of the better ska albums of the 21st Century, “Progress” is also one of the more underrated Drive-Thru Records releases as well. Also, if you had a chance to go to Warped Tour the following year, said label had its own stage, and Rx Bandits performed on it with honors/bands that your older brother Irving still rocks out to like Home Grown, Finch, The Starting Line, The Movielife, and more. Rx Bandits got weirder in the best way with each subsequent release but we posit that this one was more of their oddity gateway drug, as their prior LP was more straight ahead. Well, we here like things weird, and we love it when bands, uh, progress.

Semisonic “All About Chemistry”

So much more than“Closing Time,” which is honestly the ’90s version of “Sweet Caroline” but we digress. Minneapolis, Minnesota’s Semisonic got a combination of an insane degree of success and an extremely unfair shake as they were relegated to one hit wonder status after the aforementioned mega-single was no longer their current one. Still, we’d rather have one hit than none, amirite? “All About Chemistry,” Semisonic’s third full-length studio album should’ve kept the band afloat for much, much longer but it unfortunately caused the act’s periodic table to fall down and break (up) for the first time. Honestly, it’s more of an album experience than their sophomore full-length that featured “Closing Time,” and we implore you to disagree. Happily, the band finally released a follow-up record last year, making the sun a little bit brighter… and now we’re about to close out tonight and forever.

Sense Field “Tonight And Forever”

The alphabet doesn’t lie, so we guess we’re opening and closing this piece with something sad: Sense Field’s vocalist Jon Bunch left this earth in 2016 and we’d love to send our condolences to his family, friends, and bandmates, who were likely regarded as a combination of family AND friends. Even though this effort from the underrated Sense Field had a minor hit with “Save Yourself,” most casual rock fans who overuse the word emo likely don’t know about any senses but failing ones… and that’s ok, but don’t let it happen again! We promise to not ask you to name three songs by the band. Anyway, this full-length studio record needs more public affection on social media and offline as it found a way to remain timeless through love songs, emergency exits, and fun never ending. Could you save yourself for someone who could love you for you?

30 Lesser Known Nirvana Songs Doctors Have Been Prescribing Gen Xers to Cure Their Erectile Dysfunction

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Gen Xers will always remember where they were on 9/11, the fall of the Berlin Wall, and the day they found out Kurt Cobain was killed by Courtney Love, who then went on a murder spree of famous grunge singers. More recently, Gen X will never forget the first time they couldn’t get it up. For those in this generation who still don’t want to be labeled, we can’t just call them impotent or sexually washed up. That’s why we are here to help.

If we know anything about Generation X, the more obscure you go with your cultural references, the more emotionally and physically aroused they will become, which should be enough to jump start their private parts. That being said, here are the top 30 lesser known Nirvana songs doctors have been prescribing men of a certain age to cure their lack of erections. (Listen to the playlist, click here)

30. Curmudgeon

This Nirvana track was first tested on Gen X lab rats. In rodent years, that is about 15 months old. Regardless, after just one listen to “Curmudgeon,” the vermin fucked everything in sight, and then a few days later started smoking cigarettes and wearing those cool white sunglasses just like Kurt. This is how influential this band was.

29. Very Ape

The late Steve Albini famously produced “In Utero.” Steve was technically a Boomer and it was well-documented that he never once had an erection while recording this album, proving that Nirvana-inspired hard-ons only affect the generation that Boomers probably still contemptuously refer to as “slackers.”

28. Old Age

The history of this track is a little murky. It appears to be a Hole song that was written by Kurt with lyrics later penned by Courtney Love, but at one point Nirvana also recorded for themselves. This is confusing. We need to know exactly who to credit all these boners to.

27. Radio Friendly Unit Shifter

Sure, back-end “In Utero” tracks can help get you rock solid, but unfortunately you’ll also have to counteract that sudden arousal by doing that trick where you think about Pearl Jam during sex to avoid premature ejaculation. Thankfully, ’90s grunge has a variety of uses.

26. Verse Chorus Verse

If you’re going to forego the pharmaceutical drug route in favor of a more Nirvana-friendly approach, you’ll have to exercise extreme caution. Side effects may include having an erection that lasts longer than the entire three disc, one DVD “With the Lights Out” box set.

25. Hairspray Queen

The bassline is unhinged, the guitar riffs are incoherent, and Kurt sounds like someone is stepping on his pinky toe the whole time. Surprisingly, this is all a Gen Xer needs to successfully copulate in the wild.

24. Marigold

“Marigold” is more of a solo Dave Grohl song since he wrote and sung this one. Some hypothesize that pre “Everlong” Foo Fighters might also help Gen X with their flaccid dicks. However, tests are still in early trial stages and are not yet FDA-approved.

23. (New Wave) Polly

Regular “Polly” just won’t do the trick. If we want the 50-year-olds to have sex for hours on end, they need to dial it up with the peppier version. That’s why we don’t recommend anything off “Unplugged in New York.” Doesn’t go hard enough.

22. Moist Vagina

Kurt was often criticized for writing cryptic lyrics that didn’t seem to make any sense. However, the original title of this track is “Moist Vagina And Then She Blew Him Like He’s Never Been Blown, Brains Stuck All Over the Wall” and 75% of it is him screaming “Marijuana.” It somehow makes less sense knowing all this. But whatever, penises do not care about lyrical clarity.

21. Return of the Rat

The further you dig into Nirvana’s back catalog, the more realize their ability to cover songs was elite. If anything, they were the best cover band of all time. Many medical practitioners will frequently prescribe the Wipers version of this song followed by Nirvana’s and just let the erections fly.

20. Scentless Apprentice

If you are not fully erect and ready to wield your penis around like a sword after the first five seconds of Dave Grohl’s hypnotic opening drumming here, can you even call yourself a limp Gen Xer?

19. Love Buzz

“Love Buzz” was Nirvana’s debut single, which just so happened to be another one of their rewarding covers that was superior to the original. While it’s nice to see scientists discover obscure Nirvana tracks to treat erectile dysfunction, they also need to study how this band got so proficient at performing other groups’ songs better than them.

18. Milk It

Sometimes even a licensed physician screaming the words “doll steak” and “test meat” during a routine physical is enough to jumpstart a Gen Xer’s genital region. Hey, whatever works.

17. Pen Cap Chew

Not even Dave Grohl knows about this one since he wasn’t in the band yet. Think of “Pen Cap Chew” like his secret family to his “Smell Like Teen Spirit” primary household. If hidden affairs can get Dave off, surely “Pen Cap Chew” can for you.

16. Son of a Gun

Erectile dysfunction can be caused by heart issues, lack of sleep, and vitamin deficiencies. But we’ve only recently discovered that it’s mainly a direct result of low Nirvana intake. Be sure to get in your daily dose of “the ones they didn’t play on the radio” when you’re in the mood to plow.

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Overly Confident Matt Gaetz Claims He Could Expose Himself to a Tween on Fifth Avenue and He Wouldn’t Lose Any Followers

Posted on by Tim Sheard

WASHINGTON — Attorney General nominee Matt Gaetz made a shocking claim that he could expose his genitals to an underaged person and not lose any support from his base, disgusted DC insiders reported.

“Let’s be honest patriots, I could pull out my pecker and waggle it at a 13-year-old kid, yet it wouldn’t sway a single Republican vote. God bless America!” cackled a grinning Gaetz to unsuspecting diners at a beltway Denny’s. “I’m not saying I have done that or would do that. But I’m not NOT saying it either, you catch my drift? Everything is legal for me, President Trump, and my best friend, the ghost of British comic Jimmy Savile who we will pardon on day one.”

President-elect Donald Trump offered some insight into the decision-making process that led to Gaetz’s nomination.

“You know what, a lot of smart people say ‘it takes one to know one.’ This is why I’m putting Matt Gaetz in charge of the Department of Justice. We are finally going to start catching pedophiles, and no one knows a diddler better than Gaetz. He’s popular, he knows a lot of sexual deviants, really sick people, and that’s exactly what I’m looking for,” gurgled President Trump, who reportedly narrowed down his list to Gaetz, Woody Allen, and Jerry Sandusky. “He can walk into Langley with his little pebble cock hanging out, and who would arrest him? You gotta see it, it’s so small, possibly the smallest thing ever contained in pants. You can’t be prosecuted if no one can stand to be in your physical proximity. So I will build a cabinet so repulsive that not even that little dickhead Rachel Maddow would want to interview them for her little fake news show.”

Political analysts are dismayed at how brazen Trump’s cabinet is in their disturbing and off-putting behavior.

“While Matt Gaetz is correct that his followers would absolutely forgive him for any heinous crime, I’m hopeful that in this hypothetical situation, a decent human being would kick him in the chode if it were to transpire,” said Judy Granger, editor at Politico. “Democrats have proven that they won’t do anything outside of weak bureaucracy against Republicans, but that doesn’t mean ordinary people don’t have power. Especially ones with rifles and good aim.”

Another Trump cabinet pick, Robert F. Kennedy Jr., has made a similarly bizarre claim that he could fellate a dead goat on Fifth Avenue and not contract bone disease from flouride in the goat’s blood.