Weddings are a beautiful $50,000 celebration of love. If you’re fortunate enough, you get to spend one of the best days of your life with your beloved friends, cherished loved ones, and amateur disc jockey you hired off Craigslist to save a few bucks. As we all know, to have a successful wedding reception, you absolutely must have the right DJ who knows how to get the party started and make sure everyone is have the times of their lives. So obviously, you need a DJ who knows the ins and outs of shoegaze music. At least one would think. Unfortunately, not everyone agrees. Here are the top 30 shoegaze songs that were the worst idea to play as a wedding DJ. (Listen along to the playlist, click here)
30. Lovesliescrushing “babysbreath” (1993)
If we know anything about love it’s that it’s warm, fuzzy, and has no place at a wedding. Coincidentally, these are the same characteristics as shoegaze as evidenced by the existence of Loveliescrushing at this reception.
29. Shower Curtain “bedbugs” (2024)
When you’re tasked with the responsibility of inciting dance upon a well-dressed social gathering, you cannot take it lightly. Sure, you can’t dance to Shower Curtain, but you can slowly oscillate your torso and gingerly bob your head horizontally. That’s close enough.
28. The Meeting Places “Now I Know You Could Never Be the One” (2003)
As a wedding DJ, creating a dream-like flanged atmosphere that feels like you’re in a womb is the only thing that matters. The guests’ overall approval is secondary. Good thing too because they are not happy about this Meeting Places song.
27. Astrobrite “bottlerocket” (2001)
No one at this wedding can seem to distinguish between the guitar or vocals or anything else in this Astrobrite song. It’s like all the instruments blend together to create an audibly blurry abyss of commotion. Once they understand that this is the exact point of shoegaze they can really let loose.
26. Slow Crush “Aurora” (2020)
The goal of this Slow Crush track is to bring the vibe down a little before reenergizing things with some Slowdive. But according to the blank stares and everyone rubbing their temples, perhaps we didn’t bring it down enough. The ability to read the room is a crucial skill if you want to succeed in the wedding DJ industry.
25. Fleeting Joys “Kiss a Girl in Black” (2019)
Some would say the main problem with modern weddings is the exorbitant costs. Others might tell you that it’s more the lack of swirling ethereal tones that inspire you to close your eyes and picture a bunch of clouds fucking each others’ brains out in the sky. I think we can all agree that Fleeting Joys fixes one of these issues.
24. The Brian Jonestown Massacre “Evergreen” (1995)
Whatever you do, do not tell anyone the word “massacre” is in this band name at the reception. Don’t worry, they won’t ask. They will, however, hand you their phone that’s opened to the Weeknd’s Spotify page and hurl a few veiled threats your way if you don’t start playing his music.
23. flyingfish “wonder if you care” (2023)
The lack of lyrics in this flyingfish song are really throwing everyone for a curveball. But they don’t seem to like the shoegaze with words either. They really need to pick a lane or else no one here is going to have any fun.
22. Swervedriver “Rave Down” (1991)
The bride and groom requested a Justin Timberlake song as their entrance music, but that’s just not how wedding disc jockeying works. Plus, JT doesn’t fit the liminal ambiance we’re going for. They will get Swrevedriver and they will like it.
21. Asobi Seksu “Red Sea” (2006)
Halfway through, the father of the bride paid 100 bucks to end the shoegaze right then and there and put on the Jock Jams, Volume II CD he had in his car. Unfortunately, this would go against wedding DJ code. Does our oath of ceremonial honor mean nothing to them?
20. Launder “Chipper” (2022)
People actually seem to be trying to dance to this one, which is inappropriate. For shoegaze, you’re supposed to stand firmly in place, lightly sway from side to side, and let your hands dangle in front of you as if you have suddenly lost the cognitive function to control them yourself. Might have to show them how it’s done.
19. Chapterhouse “Pearl” (1990)
The maid of honor actually requested this one. At least that’s what I told the bride and groom. As a wedding DJ, it is important to know how to deflect anger and identify potential scapegoats as you’re setting up your equipment. It’s like no one appreciates these intangibles we bring to the function.
18. Airiel “Cloudburst” (2017)
No one seems to be responding to this Airiel song. That’s ok though. There are plenty of other Airiel tracks and shoegaze classics on the mix. They will see the brilliance of this genre before they leave the party. The doors will remain locked from the outside until the nine-hour shoegaze playlist has completed.
17. Blankenberge “Look Around” (2019)
If your wedding crowd doesn’t seem to be responding to the American shoegze, go ahead and dial it up a notch by throwing on the swirling ethereal tones of Russian band Blankenberge. If this doesn’t work for them on the dancefloor, I’m out of ideas. It’s like nothing will please them. Wedding parties are so picky.
16. Swirlies “Jeremy Parker” (1993)
There simply aren’t enough wedding receptions that feature music that makes you want to curl up in the fetal position to remind yourself that suffering is inevitable and must be embraced through song. Luckily, Swirlies can help with that.
This should be a surprise to absolutely nobody who’s watched this series. As risk-averse as he is pragmatic, Mark wouldn’t even entertain the idea of becoming a soccer hooligan if a girl he fancied required it. Yes, he begrudgingly tagged along at the destructive protest in the JLB building, but that was really more of a spur-of-the-moment occurrence, and he was really half-assing it to show his colleagues he wasn’t part of management. We know his true nature.
Ian is Mark’s infant son, and the fact that he’s so young at the conclusion of the series is only the second reason he ranks at 39. Come on, he’s Mark’s son. It’s not happening at any age. The only reason he’s nominally more likely than his father is that Mark doesn’t have full custody, so some outside influence might creep in.
A true intellect, Zahra would be far more likely to watch a foreign film or read Romantic literature than to even glance at the telly if she happened to be in a room with a soccer match playing. It’s true that she’s lived with Ben, who’s definitely not as high-brow, but she doesn’t really love him and wouldn’t be at risk of succumbing to any sway he may have.
Let’s be real, Stu used to be a monk, for Christ’s sake! It is true that he ended up punching Jeremy, but that was clearly out of self-defense and not something he’d ever willingly do. Frankly, it’s kind of a shame given how much of a hunk he is. Strictly with respect to physical form, we could totally see Stu fucking shit up as a hooligan.
Dull, strict, boring, and a possessor of a spot that you could make a night out of popping, Robert Grayson would be far more inclined to spend any free time he may have studying up on the latest bath fittings while enjoying a cup of tepid tea. While an errant shit in a display toilet may unleash his dark side, we’re going to confidently claim that even that is unlikely to turn him into a drunken tough guy.
Sickly and pitiful, Gerrard’s idea of a good night is comprised of playing with his cybermen action figures and, erm, himself while frequenting Dobby’s Facebook photo albums. Also, he’s dead, so there’s that. Come to think of it, by default we probably should have put him at 40, but his spirit is probably a little bit more likely to resort to hooliganism than the handful of people preceding him in this list.
Mark’s roommate and Met City Bank coworker in the show’s final season, Jerry is very similar to Mark, but appears to have a bit more of an untapped sinister side. He’d be more inclined to sit back with some William Morris while engaging in some civil back-and-forth about proper thermostat settings, but the way Mark and Jeremy “got rid” of him leads us to think he could maybe be convinced to cause some trouble.
Ah, the one that got away. Shoe salesperson turned historical author/lecturer, April is not the type to down a pint while concurrently smashing someone’s head in. She is given to spontaneity, however, as displayed by her public bathroom tryst with Mark after her relationship with Angus went awry, but we’re confident that that’s about as unhinged as she gets.
Gail is a strictly no-bullshit person. She’s extremely professional when managing the Mexican restaurant (from which she ultimately fires Mark,) or getting stuff done as a member of the Apollo House association meetings. She hates Jeremy with the fire of a thousand suns for his affair with her partner Elena, but she’s not likely to take it out on anyone but him.
Gog’s definitely spiteful and has a huge chip on his shoulder from the abuse he withstood at the hands of Jeremy while at university, but he’s much more likely to release his anger with passive-aggressiveness and obnoxious displays of self-importance. Is he likely to manipulate you into maybe buying him a kabob while discussing a song he’s hiring you to write for a Honda commercial? Yes. Is he likely to pass out in a pool of his own vomit while following his favorite team around Europe? We don’t think so.
Sophie’s mom Penny really just doesn’t seem like the type. She’d be more interested in hating her drunken husband Ian or making jam than moving to the city (which probably terrifies her) to chug ale and start fights. She is more adventurous than one would expect, as indicated by her sudden affair with Jeremy, but we’re pretty sure that’s where it ends.
You’d better believe The Orgazoid would have been further down this list had we set it 15 years earlier in the show’s canon. However, he’s sober now (good for him!) and pretty much only interested in drinking smoothies and paying Jeremy for sexual favors these days (um, not so good for him?) Let’s hope he behaves a bit more ethically towards his next handyman.
Representative at “publisher” British London, Greg is by no means a morally upstanding citizen. He takes Mark for a ride on publishing (or, rather, printing out) “Business Secrets of the Pharaohs,” although he ends up partially redeeming his reputation with Mark (though definitely not his character) by printing a fraudulent Life Coach certificate for Jeremy. Slimeball? Yes. Hooligan? Not so much.
Much like Gail before her, Stephanie is all business. She used to work in public relations, but pivoted after her divorce and is now studying for her master’s degree. She likes to talk shop while drinking wine and listening to Van Morrison. She’s probably pissed that Mark walked out on her while she was presumably planning on putting the moves on him, but that’s not going to culminate in anything beyond an icy stare if she ever sees him.
A genuinely nice and mild-mannered guy, Matt is rightfully upset at Mark for getting him fired with a fabricated story of him defecating into the gym’s swimming pool, but he presumably got his revenge with some organized judo at the episode’s conclusion. Also, he’s a black belt, so he knows how to artfully avoid altercation and will likely only engage in extreme circumstances. Not the scuffling type.
Eternally sunny and likely to express displeasure with a snarky comment thinly veiled behind a smile, Big Suze would likely not be offended by the idea of becoming a soccer hooligan. She’d probably just respond with “well, that sounds lovely! I’ve never thought about doing that myself, but I hope you have a wonderful time!” She likely still hates Jeremy (but curiously not Alan Johnson) for the “Indecent Proposal” fiasco, but that’s just going to show itself with more snarkiness.
Mark’s sister is perpetually horny for Jeremy, but beyond that she’s pretty centered around her career as a lawyer (or whatever the fuck they call those in England) and her son Joshy. Maybe she’d be interested in becoming a soccer hooligan if you found some free time on her calendar and penciled it in for her, but still not very likely.
Jeremy’s life-coaching client and male part of his three-way love affair, Joe is largely nondescript. He’s very young and has never even listened to the Beastie Boys before, and we don’t really know how he spends his free time beyond administrating surreptitious under-the-dinner-table footjobs and exhausting Jeremy with all-night raves. Save this, he’s pretty banal, so we’re going to err on the side of caution and assume the rest of his life isn’t nearly as exciting.
A sketchy person to say the least, Natalie does like to get drunk, as demonstrated by her proclivity for “Irish wine” the night she stays over Mark and Jeremy’s flat. We won’t tell you how the night ends for Mark (hint: it’s bad), but suffice it to say Natalie is more likely than a lot of characters to become a soccer hooligan. Still, though, it’s still not something we’d place money on.
Known for her relatively brief fling with Jeremy during her relationship with Gail, Elena is a full-time legal secretary who makes extra money on the side dealing weed. She does have a bit of a reckless side, as shown by her disciplinary issue with watching porn at work. Could that show itself in her smashing her bar glass over the head of a fan of her rival soccer club? Doesn’t really seem like it, but we’ve seen crazier things happen.
