Eight Songs We’re Listening To This Week While Watching George Santos Peel A Banana With His Feet On OnlyFans

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Without music, many of our lives would be dull and meaningless. Each day would be an endless montage of mundanity with no soundtrack with every banal activity completed in total maddening silence. Sadly, with your taste, this isn’t too far off from your reality even with a backing track. That’s where we come in. Our staff has been meticulously trained to recommend and deliver tracks scientifically designed to pull you from the depths of your own irrelevancy. Without further ado, here are eight tracks we listened to this week that need to hit your boring playlists immediately.

Snail Mail “Headlock – Demo”

Snail Mail’s Lindsey Jordan is considered a sort of wunderkind, having released two instant classic albums while barely cracking into her early twenties. Now, she has given fans an intimate look into her songwriting process with the release of a handful of demos from her sophomore effort ‘Valentine.’ The rough cut of that album’s standout track ‘Headlock’ finds the songwriter toying with ambient drones while never once straying from her inimitable pop sensibilities. If your bedroom EP sounded good and was actually a cohesive body of work, it still might not even come close to Jordan’s nebulous drafts. Keep trying, though. We believe in you.

Better Lovers “Two Alive Amongst the Dead”

Jesus fucking Christ, this band shreds. Knowing full well their debut EP ‘God Made Me An Animal’ left fans absolutely chomping at the bit, Better Lovers released a new single ‘Two Alive Amongst the Dead’ while simultaneously announcing loose plans to begin work on a full-length next year. ‘Two Alive’ continues the EP’s trend of delivering unforgivingly heavy metalcore in satisfyingly condensed arrangements. Try your best not to spin-kick your desk in half within the first ten seconds of the intro. You’ll need that energy for the breakdown.

Donny Benét “Multiply”

Donny Benét is the kind of guy that’ll make you eggs. One of our writers even went as far as to say that this guy would totally make us a Grand Slam style breakfast if we included his dreamy new single ‘Multiply’ in this week’s column. Donny, if you’re reading this, we love the silky sweet sounds of your Yacht Rock slap bass. Please get in touch about the aforementioned Grand Slam style breakfast. You have 24 hours.

Basement Jaxx & 100 Gecs “where’s my head at_”

If you’re one of the seemingly millions of people to catch 100 Gecs on tour recently, you’ve probably been wondering when the hell they were planning to release their remix of Basement Jaxx’s “Where’s Your Head At?” The answer is apparently: a couple of days ago. While the track never strays incredibly far from the original, it will make you think your speakers are broken or your eardrums have ruptured, both of which are likely outcomes of listening to any track by the duo.

Megan Thee Stallion “Cobra (Rock Remix) [feat. Spiritbox]”

In case you missed it – which of course you did, you tasteless nerd – Megan Thee Stallion teamed up with Canadian heavy-metal outfit Spiritbox to deliver a ‘rock remix’ of her new single ‘Cobra.’ The resulting track goes harder than anything has a right to. While the original already features some serious riffage, Spiritbox manages to absolutely obliterate the arrangement placing it firmly in the realm of early aughts nu-metal but, like, good.

Many Eyes “Mystic Cord”

If you aren’t immediately strutting in circles around your living room within the first two beats of this song, call 911 because you might be dead. Keith Buckley’s new project Many Eyes is back with their second single ‘Mystic Cord.’ It’s a barnburner of a track that harkens back to Every Time I Die’s grittier hardcore leanings while still managing to look toward the future. While more straightforward than last-month’s debut single, ‘Revelation,’ ‘Mystic Cord’ still packs a wallop that is sure to bode well for the impending full-length.

boygenius, Ye Vagabonds “The Parting Glass”

In case seasonal depression hasn’t already ripped your fragile psyche apart, boygenius has teamed up with Irish folk duo Ye Vagabonds for an absolutely heartbreaking rendition of the Scottish and Irish traditional ballad “The Parting Glass,” which was famously recorded by Sinead O’Connor in 2002. As part of Phoebe Bridgers’ long-running series of charitable holiday covers, all proceeds from the single will support the Aisling Project, an organization chosen by O’Connor’s estate. If you’re already having a teary afternoon, proceed with caution on this one.

André 3000 “That Night in Hawaii When I Turned into a Panther and Started Making These Low Register Purring Tones That I Couldn’t Control … Sh¥t Was Wild”

In this week’s ‘what the actual fuck?’ news: André 3000, one of the greatest rappers of all time, broke a seventeen-year period of silence – with the exception of a guest spot here and there – to release an album that consists entirely of… ambient drone flute instrumentals. It’s a bold move, and one only he could convincingly make. Perhaps it’s not the album we wanted, but in the hyperchaos of today’s news cycle that pelts us with horror after horror, it might just be the album we need. It’s also a way better pivot than that time you quit your hardcore band to start an alt-country project.

Playlists are hard to make, and we know you’re too defeated by your own taste to search for these songs yourself. That’s why we made a playlist that features all of them, plus a whole shitload more. Click here to like, follow, and trick your friends into thinking you have a finger on the pulse of modern alternative music.

Punk Has Prescription Cigarettes Somehow

Posted on by Tim Graham

DAVENPORT, Iowa — Local delinquent Christine Pritchard surprised friends and family when she somehow obtained a prescription for cigarettes, according to impressed fellow small-time grifters.

“It wasn’t easy to accomplish,” said Pritchard, singer for punk band Shit Piñata, as she ripped into a carton of Parliament 100s. “I had to do some doctor-shopping until I finally found one cool enough to hear me out. I explained that I’ve got a whole host of psychological issues, and I’ve tried every SSRI out there, but nothing helps me as much as ripping cigs. It calms me right down every time. So a steady, reliable supply of cigarettes would do wonders for my mental health. I don’t have a lot of bread, so I asked the doc if he could get my state-subsidized insurance to foot the bill.”

Dr. Alan Swenson was glad to write the prescription for what he deemed a medical necessity.

“I’ve been criticized by a lot of colleagues, but I remind my sanctimonious, chickenshit peers that there’s precedent for this type of treatment, such as using methadone—an opiate—to control opiate abuse,” said Dr. Swenson while practicing his golf swing. “I did have to exploit some loopholes to get Ms. Pritchard his much-needed medication. My rationale is that for some antisocial personalities, abstaining is not a realistic or safe option, and it’s sometimes better for everyone to keep certain people pacified with their substance of choice. Nicotine happens to be a highly effective medication for my patient’s acute nicotine addiction disorder.”

The unconventional story of medicinal cigarettes has made a splash on Washington’s K Street, where tobacco lobbyists have been working to parlay the case into a payday for their clients.

“Ms. Pritchard’s doctor is a genius,” said Altria lobbyist Kevin Quaid. “Everyone knows that smoking in the US is being attacked on all sides, so we really need creative problem-solvers like Dr. Swenson to think outside the box. Soon after hearing this story, we visited a few legislators and offered them some generous incentives in exchange for just taking a look at our proposal. A short time later, a bill was drafted that would require Medicaid to pay for cigarettes for certain nicotine-addicted individuals. Fingers crossed that it passes, as it’s really a win-win situation for everyone. Mainly for us.”

At press time, Pritchard was reportedly harassing area dentists in an attempt to obtain a prescription for nitrous oxide.

Colorado Judge Says Trump Can Stay on Ballot if He Promises to Be a Good Little Boy

Posted on by Alex Kitsinger

DENVER — Colorado Judge Sarah Wallace ruled on Saturday that former President Donald Trump did in fact incite the January 6th insurrection, but can run for president anyway if he pinky-promises to behave himself in the future.

“I think people are really overreacting to this. Insurrection isn’t even that big of a deal, is it? Isn’t that just when you cheat on your spouse? Tons of people do that! I wasn’t even aware that was a crime, to be honest,” said Judge Wallace. “Besides, I made him super-duper hardcore swear to be a good little boy and not break too many more laws. He seems like an overall trustworthy guy to me, and it’s not like anyone would lie in court.”

The former Commander-in-Chief shared his thoughts about the ruling in an exclusive press interview.

“Out of all of the court rulings I have been a part of recently, egged on by Crooked Jack Smith and his cronies, this was the most surprising. And believe me, I know surprises. One time I was hanging out with my buddy Jeff, good guy, big into finance, and he had this giant cake a girl was supposed to jump out of. But she suffocated inside, huge surprise, everyone laughed and ate the cake anyway,” Trump yelled incoherently while sweating through his dress shirt. “But I’m happy with today’s outcome. After all of that video of me riling those guys up, I thought surely I was toast, delicious toast. It makes sense in a way, I am the greatest living man, plenty of people say so. I’d also like to take this opportunity to publicize my drug trade operation, which will begin early next year. It’s not like anyone will stop me!”

Many experts are weighing in on the matter, including first–year law student Dave Newman.

“You know, I think it’s a perfectly reasonable ruling. The third section of the Fourteenth Amendment is really what we need to look at here, and while I haven’t read that far in the textbook yet, I’m pretty sure it doesn’t say anything about President Trump specifically,” said Newman, who was passed out in his dorm room while wearing a MAGA hat. “Nobody actually knows what all those later amendments say anyway, least of all the courts. If you ask me, we should get to vote for whoever we want to as many times on Election Day as we want, regardless of how many felonies they commit.”

At press time, Rudy Giuliani was seen desperately trying to get his lawsuits moved to Colorado.

20 Songs By The Stooges To Change The Vibe At This Assisted Senior Living Center

Posted on by Alex Vlahov

As a new employee at Sunny Horizons, you’ve been warned before: don’t touch the aux cord. There is a pre-programmed radio station for seniors, quietly piping in Bing Crosby and muzak. How fucking sterile, how lame. No wonder everyone at this assisted living center is just sitting around waiting to die! Most of these people have gone into financial ruin just to live here. They deserve a proto-punk adrenaline injection, and this is why you’re blasting The Stooges at 5 p.m. dinner. Move over, Jeopardy: we have a new activity planned with some wild boys from Ann Arbor.

“Loose”

Start off with a choice track from your favorite Stooges album, their sophomore 1970 release ‘Fun House.’This describes the atmosphere you are trying to create, to make things “loose” for the residents. First of all, turn off Fox News. Shake around a few wheelchairs, begin impromptu dance sessions, hand out bongo drums. You’ll have everyone buzzing their Life Alerts in no time.

“Gimme Danger”

Stand on top of the kitchen counter and shout, “Gimme danger, little stranger, and I feel with you at ease.” Groove back and forth to this song from their seminal 1973 album ‘Raw Power’. Tell the senior citizens to kick their slippers aside and meet you on the terrace, you’re fucking taking this to the balcony. Olive the retired teacher in room 216 is screaming and giving finger horns, certainly a good sign.

“Real Cool Time”

No other song encapsulates the spirit you are trying to create. This cut from their 1969 self-titled debut melts faces with an earnest rock purity. Most of the residents were pissed when their kids listened to this music. If anything, the anger will be a fond nostalgia and get their blood pumping again. Stand on the dinner tables and throw catheters out to the growing crowd.

“Your Pretty Face Is Going To Hell”

Ask Peggy, the elderly resident from Memphis, “Do you prefer the Iggy mix or the Bowie mix?” They’ll understand what you mean as you run through the corridors spraying IV fluid solution bags against the walls. Take some pudding, start a food fight. This scrappy tune makes you want to jump on the pill cart and scream with furious joy. Free apple juice for all, low-sugar graham crackers for the masses. Marx wrote that, right?

“Wild Love”

If you can’t bring the people to Iggy Pop, bring Iggy Pop to the people. At this point you are definitely shirtless, letting your torso dictate most of the decisions. Luckily you have leather pants in a locker downstairs. Now would be a great time to run down and put those on. Sing the lyrics to yourself, loudly. The elderly love that. Ignore anyone in the lobby staring at you. They’re the squares, the normies. They can’t even name one Stooges album.

“Unfriendly World”

Mix up the playlist with a tune from their latest album, 2013’s “Ready to Die.” It’s a reminder that everyone ages, like fine wine, endowed with gravitas. It is all part of life. Maybe it’s the lyrics or maybe it’s the microdose, but you feel fantastic. Buzzing. You catch yourself contemplating the temporality of life while staring at artificial flowers. How long will these fake yellow flowers be here after you’re gone? Alright, that’s enough. Time to get back to the party.

“Down on the Street”

Blast this loud. The people outside on the sidewalk should hear the yips and growls in the opening of this tune. The dementia care center above you must be rocking so hard right now. Why shouldn’t they? With very few solutions or cohesive public resources, America basically leaves the elderly abandoned or in these expensive bland private care facilities. Fuck that noise. You’re here to show your care by shredding ears and blasting The Stooges for a mile radius.

“Louie Louie”

Get things nice and confusing with this famously nonsensical cover. By now, the tables should be rumbling from this driving rhythm section. Kitchenware is shaking, reading glasses are falling over, dentures are rattling. You are announcing the birth of a new scene, and Wheel of Fortune hasn’t even come on yet.

“We Will Fall”

Dig into this 10-minute long vibe anthem, complete with a droning guitar and chant. Terrify the older residents with the strangeness of this journey. Pro-tip: this acts as a perfect mid-way segue point, as some will want to nap or take their diabetes medication. Bringing the big finish up to full volume should stir any stragglers back into the mix.

“Dirt – Live”

Keep the riffage and experimentation going by pulling from the Live at Goose Lake: August 8th 1970 album. Remind all residents how equal we are with lyrics like “I been dirt, and I don’t care.” Sure, it costs nearly $10K a month to stay here. Sure, the family’s entire savings are going towards this place. But we’re all equal in the end. Dolores in room 324 holds a lit Bic up to the sky, nearly lighting her heavily perfumed blue hair on fire.

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Moderate Conspiracy Theorist Believes Only Third Moon Landing Faked

Posted on by Bibek Gurung

RICHMOND, Va. — Diehard moderate Harold Quigley caused a stir in both the conspiracy theorist and scientist communities with his centrist viewpoint that the moon landing was faked, but only the third moon landing in 1971 whereas all the others are legitimate.

“Although we live in an increasingly polarized world, the truth, as always, is in the middle,” asserted Quigley, 42, the Head of Environmental Sustainability at Raytheon. “Both sides in the ‘Is the moon landing real?’ debate have valid points that we can all learn from. I’ve done extensive research and while five out of the six manned missions to the moon were undoubtedly real, the third mission which landed on February 5, 1971, is clearly a government hoax. If you read the same literature I have and gave them equal time and consideration, you would be forced to come to the same conclusion that the third moon landing was done on a soundstage.”

Quigley’s centrist approach to the debate has won him some admirers.

“I used to think that the 1969 moon landing was fake, which really put a rift between me and my family. They said I ruined holidays, birthdays, and until I stop bringing up the moon I’m no longer allowed to see any of my nieces or nephews,” said former moon landing doubter, Brad Crandall, 61. “But Harold argued me out of my inflexible position with facts and logic. Now I see the truth – only the Apollo 14 mission is a reptilian government hoax, while the rest are stirring examples of mankind’s awe-inspiring potential. Finding this common ground has really healed my family strife.”

Approached for comment, beleaguered Head of Public Outreach at NASA Dr. Jessica Martinez remained perplexed by the very specific conspiracy theory.

“I’ve spent so much time and energy disproving the wackjobs who claim that the Apollo 11 mission was a hoax,” said Martinez, 39. “I have no idea how to even respond. The logic behind the entire theory confuses me to the point that I get a migraine. If we could actually go to the moon, why would we fake only the one mission?! I’m just so, so tired.”

Quigley is using his newfound notoriety to spread awareness of other centrist conspiracy theories by claiming that his research shows the lizard people who control the world from the center of the Earth are actually amphibious.

Scientific Breakthrough Undercut by Philadelphia Accent

Posted on by Jeff Bender

GLENOLDEN, Pa. — Engineers and chemists alike curbed their amazement Wednesday when La Salle University research scientist Steve di Bastino of Delaware County announced the discovery of a safe way to make fuel from water, disappointed sources confirmed.

“It’s a friggen ’UGE day for science. My boddy Murph and I finally separated wooder mol’cules to create ’ydrogen stores that’ll produce natural energy wit-out, ya know, lighting your halse on fire,” said the 34-year-old PhD, before biting into a Wawa hoagie. “We did it all pretty much roight dere in my basement and all. I was like, ‘Get the fuck outta here,’ but Murph was like, ‘Doad, we just separated fucken wooder!’ I thought that was like separating the soft pretzel from musdirt or, fucken, Raymour from Flanagan.”

Members of the scientific community were initially excited by the discovery, but their enthusiasm quickly dissipated.

“I was floored when I read about this in the literature surrounding his discovery. You mean one day soon I’ll be able to pour water down my gas tank and make it run? I had to be there for the announcement,” said hobby scientist Earl Kennis, who showed up early to meet di Bastino in person. “But then, I don’t know, once he started talking I realized he sounded like a walking, talking cheesesteak and it didn’t seem like that big a deal. It almost felt like anybody could have safely turned water into fuel. I’m actually kind of questioning the whole ‘believe science’ thing.”

Mechanical engineer Ibrahim Reitz of Stanford University admitted he was glad to be across the country for the event.

“No doubt that it’s a major breakthrough and that di Bastino’s methods, while unorthodox , are extremely elegant. It’s very good science,” concluded Reitz, pinching a clove cigarette over crossed legs. “But one wishes he were from New York or, I don’t know, Nova Scotia, so we could lavish him with credibility. I’ve run into di Bastino at conferences—he’s always trying to start the ‘Eagles’ chant and yelling at the television in the breakfast lounge. Overall, I’d call it a regrettable day for our community.”

According to sources, the discovery was debunked completely after di Bastino detected a nip in the air and zipped into a heavily stained Flyers Starter jacket.

How to Buy a Vintage Jacket Without Thinking About the Soggy Used Tissues It Once Held

Posted on by Jessica Lillian

We’ve all had it happen. You come across the perfect vintage jacket in the store. Maybe it’s leather, maybe denim. You try it on and it fits. It’s nicely broken in. The price is right. Score.

You’re already imagining how great you’ll look wearing it on stage or walking into the venue. That’s when it hits you: Those pockets you’re casually shoving your bare hands into right this minute have, statistically speaking, probably held many, many soggy used tissues from the previous owner. Their nasal discharge — or worse — remains, ready to haunt your thoughts.

Luckily, we’ve got some expert tips for choking back that rising wave of nausea from your new secondhand find. Of course, you could clean the jacket with disinfectant wipes when you bring it home. But that’s the easy cowardly route. To be really authentic, try these instead:

Tell yourself they only used a handkerchief that they kept in their jeans

Think about it. Would someone who owns a heavy-duty black leather motorcyle jacket ever buy something called “Puffs Plus With Lotion” or “Kleenex Ultra Soft”? No way. Even when they had the nastiest viruses ever, they never used a tissue. Good luck to whoever bought their jeans, though.

Stop being gross with your own nose

Every time you blow your own nose like a disgusting person and hold the damp little evidence, that’s another reminder that humans blow their noses and use tissues and then sometimes stuff them in their jacket pockets. So just stop. Snort it all back up and spit it out. Get a bucket or something. Whatever you do, absolutely no wiping, and you’ll be fine wearing your jacket.

Fuse the pockets shut

When the weather gets cold or you need to stash your AirPods or gum or lighter or whatever, that’s usually prime jacket pocket time. Not so fast! If you instead glue those pesky snot sacs shut, your hands will stay clean (albeit chilly) and you won’t have to think about the previous owner’s respiratory history ever again. Losing your jacket’s storage space is a small price to pay. Just hold everything.

Decide the person is hot

If all else fails, it’s pretty easy to stop being grossed out by anything as long as a person is incredibly hot. Make that vintage mucus likely lurking in your jacket unbelievably attractive by assuming that the previous owner was stunning. Every fluid that ever came out of them was pure and clean. Look, you have no proof that isn’t true. They’re hot and their hot body wore this jacket. Be careful, though. This trick might work so well that you start licking the jacket, and that’s still just gross.

Guy Obsessed With Wu-Tang Clan Mostly Just Obsessed With Fantasy of Having Nine Friends

Posted on by John Danek

WORCESTER, Mass. — Diehard Wu-Tang Clan fan Jeremy Taggart recently admitted that his obsession with the legendary rap group stems mostly from the appealing fantasy of having nine friends, bummed family members admitted.

“Of course Wu-Tang Clan’s beats are great and they have bars for days, but the quality that keeps me coming back is the friendship- the beautiful friendship amongst nine bros achieving their dreams together,” whimpered Taggart, who was the person outbid by Martin Shkreli for the rap group’s infamous one-of-a-kind album. “Can you imagine having eight people to text if you’re bored? And calling yourselves something cool, like the Ninja Ninos or the Karate Kamrades? I sure can’t and definitely haven’t spent hours of my life daydreaming about it.”

Experts on the increasing trend of male loneliness offered theories on how those affected cope with their situation.

“Adult men commonly treat their friendlessness with intense interest in bands, rap groups, and sports teams,” explained Dr. Joe Roth, a therapist specializing in men’s issues. “This phenomenon starts early, with media like ‘Care Bears’ and ‘Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’ setting lofty expectations of how many friends one will have in life. Then when men leave school, they are stunned to find that friendships require effort. Many, like Jeremy Taggart, let their relationships wither and spend their days dreaming about hanging out with U-God and Cappadonna. Truly sad stuff.”

Members of the Wu-Tang Clan attribute much of their success to the strength of their friendships.

“When we come together, we form like Voltron and make something undeniable,” said Method Man, who is godfather to no less than 17 children of other Wu-Tang Clan members. “And I would do anything for my brothers. I’d fuckin, I’d fuckin sew their assholes shut and keep feeding them and feeding them and feeding them if they really needed it. That’s how much I love these dudes. It also helps that we made millions of dollars together.”

Taggart is reportedly trying to start a rap group of his own, in lieu of texting someone he knows “Hey how have you been?”

Top 30 Shoegaze Songs That Will Quickly Lose You Aux Cord Privileges at a Party

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Shoegaze music and having fun in a group setting don’t typically go together. That makes sense when you consider this genre is best enjoyed by yourself in a dark room on a rainy day when the sun sets at 3:30 p.m. in the dead of autumn so you can experience seasonal depression to its full potential. But maybe there’s still hope. Here are the top 30 shoegaze songs of all time that will probably get you ostracized from your friend group if you dare pick up that aux cord and play anything from this genre at a party.

30. Astrobrite “crasher” (2001)

One of the main characteristics of shoegaze is that none of the instruments are distinguishable from one another. Even the vocals are blended into the overall sound. This is a tough sell for people who want to hear more relatable lyrics about doing shots because they’re doing shots.

29. Galaxie 500 “Tugboat” (1988)

Galaxie 500 is the type of band that will make you lose aux privileges at your own party that you arranged. A new host named Josh will be democratically elected thereafter. He will put on Lizzo and be applauded for usurping you. The afterparty will be at Josh’s, and they “forgot” to invite you.

28. Slow Crush “Glow” (2018)

This may be one of the peppier shoegaze songs on this list, but the party will quickly see through that faux upbeat energy and rip the aux cord from you faster than they can plug in Post Malone.

27. Tamaryn “Love Fade” (2010)

The closest thing to a shoegaze band that the party is going to want to hear is a Deftones song. Don’t even think about anything else. Especially not this incredible track.

26. Flyingfish “blurry” (2023)

Putting on shoegaze at a party is equivalent to sending your crush an unsolicited dick pic. Sure, it sounds like a good idea at the time, but you will be ghosted, mocked relentlessly behind your back, and put on one of the “weird” websites. Rightfully so.

25. DIIV “For the Guilty” (2019)

You’re going to tell people at this boisterous party that you want to hear DIIV. Only your friends will mishear you and think you said Drake. But they’ll find out quickly that this song is not conducive to a social gathering of anything more than one person.

24. LSD and the Search for God “Starting Over” (2007)

The guy who put on Creed when it was his turn at the aux cord received a standing ovation and became the life of the party. On the other hand, you were asked to leave.

23. Swirlies “Pancake” (1993)

It doesn’t matter how drunk everyone is, nothing will sober up a party quicker than a song that makes them want to curl up in the fetal position in the corner of the room and remind them that suffering is inevitable and must be embraced through song.

22. Alvvays “Pharmacist” (2022)

Not even the Dungeon and Dragons party that secretly turns into an orgy after midnight will be into shoegaze. My God, will you be accepted anywhere socially for listening to this genre? The chances are slim to none.

21. Narrow Head “Cool in Motion” (2020)

There’s a more recent offshoot of shoegaze called “nu gaze.” You can try to explain this in full detail to anyone around you. But remember you’re here to make friends. Not lifelong enemies who will wish ill on you for bringing up such a thing.

20. Blonde Redhead “23” (2007)

Sometimes shoegaze comes in handy when you least suspect it. Like, when you’re hosting a party and you’re ready for everyone to leave, just throw on any song from this genre and it’ll fan out almost immediately. There’s a silver lining to enjoying ethereal tones.

19. Catherine Wheel “Black Metallic” (1992)

Just because you’ve listened to this one so many times at one in the morning by yourself on a Tuesday doesn’t mean it will translate to a party. Hard to believe, but it’s true. Someone has to break it to you.

18. Smashing Pumpkins “Mayonaise” (1993)

Smashing Pumpkins are not necessarily a shoegaze unit, but some of their songs have shoegaze elements and they were influenced by My Bloody Valentine. That counts for something. Regardless, the sound of Billy Corgan’s voice is enough for anyone to pry the aux cord from your cold, dead, shoegaze-loving hands.

17. Airiel “In Your Room” (2004)

If you’re ever at a party and everyone is having the time of their lives and you think to yourself, “Now might be the time to up the game and release this nearly 10-minute shoegaze track unto this social event,” you would be wrong. It’s never a good time. Just die already.

16. pinkshinyultrablast “Blaster” (2016)

Everyone will somehow be able to tell that this is one of those bands that doesn’t use spaces in their name and it’s all in lowercase. It’s one of the major characteristics of shoegaze. You don’t see Imagine Dragons doing that and look how far they’ve gotten.

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Shocking: George Santos Has Enough Decency to Actually Pay for OnlyFans

Posted on by Freelancer

NEW YORK — Embattled Republican congressman George Santos shocked constituents and detractors alike when it was revealed he actually pays for OnlyFans content.

“When I saw the news about how Santos had spent his campaign funds I was just as shocked as anyone,” said OnlyFans creator Dan Steele. “My livelihood depends on people opening their wallets and pocketbooks to watch me stick my giant penis inside various baked goods. But so often I’ll see my content shared on free websites, every person who gets off to my videos without paying the $6 a month is basically stealing food out of my mouth and off of my engorged penis. I think George is a foul Republican stooge who scammed voters, but I’m hoping he doesn’t cancel on me. I could really use a little bump in exposure.”

Some supporters of Rep. Santos say they don’t mind his alleged misappropriation of funds.

“For all we know he was buying those porno videos in order to research how Hunter Biden is profiting from Ukraine. But it don’t seem like nobody is talking about that now,” said Santos supporter Eddie Calick, a mechanic on Long Island. “They are talking about him getting Botox and buying makeup from Sephora, so what? The guy just wants to make his wife nice and pretty. That’s money well spent. I wish my wife would do the same. I bought my wife a membership to the Gold’s Gym by her work and she called me an asshole.”

Rep. Santos continued to defend his use of campaign funds.

“I did nothing wrong. Those people sent me money, I used it for things I wanted. If your mother gives you a birthday card with $20 are you going to spend it on ad buys for a political campaign, or are you going to buy some nice foundation from Sephora that doesn’t get all over your suit? The choice is easy,” said Rep. Santos. “And with the economy in shambles thanks to Joe Biden’s policies I’m happy to support small businesses in the content creator space. If you want to talk about ‘ethics’ I’m actually more ethical than most people who consume erotic art online. These people are doing amazing things, and some of them will even make custom videos for you if you pay them enough.”

At press time, premium accounts for Pornhub, Spankbang, Brazzers, Czech Hunter, Redtube, and xHamster were all linked to Santos.