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Scientific Breakthrough Undercut by Philadelphia Accent

GLENOLDEN, Pa. — Engineers and chemists alike curbed their amazement Wednesday when La Salle University research scientist Steve di Bastino of Delaware County announced the discovery of a safe way to make fuel from water, disappointed sources confirmed.

“It’s a friggen ’UGE day for science. My boddy Murph and I finally separated wooder mol’cules to create ’ydrogen stores that’ll produce natural energy wit-out, ya know, lighting your halse on fire,” said the 34-year-old PhD, before biting into a Wawa hoagie. “We did it all pretty much roight dere in my basement and all. I was like, ‘Get the fuck outta here,’ but Murph was like, ‘Doad, we just separated fucken wooder!’ I thought that was like separating the soft pretzel from musdirt or, fucken, Raymour from Flanagan.”

Members of the scientific community were initially excited by the discovery, but their enthusiasm quickly dissipated.

“I was floored when I read about this in the literature surrounding his discovery. You mean one day soon I’ll be able to pour water down my gas tank and make it run? I had to be there for the announcement,” said hobby scientist Earl Kennis, who showed up early to meet di Bastino in person. “But then, I don’t know, once he started talking I realized he sounded like a walking, talking cheesesteak and it didn’t seem like that big a deal. It almost felt like anybody could have safely turned water into fuel. I’m actually kind of questioning the whole ‘believe science’ thing.”

Mechanical engineer Ibrahim Reitz of Stanford University admitted he was glad to be across the country for the event.

“No doubt that it’s a major breakthrough and that di Bastino’s methods, while unorthodox , are extremely elegant. It’s very good science,” concluded Reitz, pinching a clove cigarette over crossed legs. “But one wishes he were from New York or, I don’t know, Nova Scotia, so we could lavish him with credibility. I’ve run into di Bastino at conferences—he’s always trying to start the ‘Eagles’ chant and yelling at the television in the breakfast lounge. Overall, I’d call it a regrettable day for our community.”

According to sources, the discovery was debunked completely after di Bastino detected a nip in the air and zipped into a heavily stained Flyers Starter jacket.