WORCESTER, Mass. — Diehard Wu-Tang Clan fan Jeremy Taggart recently admitted that his obsession with the legendary rap group stems mostly from the appealing fantasy of having nine friends, bummed family members admitted.
“Of course Wu-Tang Clan’s beats are great and they have bars for days, but the quality that keeps me coming back is the friendship- the beautiful friendship amongst nine bros achieving their dreams together,” whimpered Taggart, who was the person outbid by Martin Shkreli for the rap group’s infamous one-of-a-kind album. “Can you imagine having eight people to text if you’re bored? And calling yourselves something cool, like the Ninja Ninos or the Karate Kamrades? I sure can’t and definitely haven’t spent hours of my life daydreaming about it.”
Experts on the increasing trend of male loneliness offered theories on how those affected cope with their situation.
“Adult men commonly treat their friendlessness with intense interest in bands, rap groups, and sports teams,” explained Dr. Joe Roth, a therapist specializing in men’s issues. “This phenomenon starts early, with media like ‘Care Bears’ and ‘Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’ setting lofty expectations of how many friends one will have in life. Then when men leave school, they are stunned to find that friendships require effort. Many, like Jeremy Taggart, let their relationships wither and spend their days dreaming about hanging out with U-God and Cappadonna. Truly sad stuff.”
Members of the Wu-Tang Clan attribute much of their success to the strength of their friendships.
“When we come together, we form like Voltron and make something undeniable,” said Method Man, who is godfather to no less than 17 children of other Wu-Tang Clan members. “And I would do anything for my brothers. I’d fuckin, I’d fuckin sew their assholes shut and keep feeding them and feeding them and feeding them if they really needed it. That’s how much I love these dudes. It also helps that we made millions of dollars together.”
Taggart is reportedly trying to start a rap group of his own, in lieu of texting someone he knows “Hey how have you been?”