We’ve all had it happen. You come across the perfect vintage jacket in the store. Maybe it’s leather, maybe denim. You try it on and it fits. It’s nicely broken in. The price is right. Score.
You’re already imagining how great you’ll look wearing it on stage or walking into the venue. That’s when it hits you: Those pockets you’re casually shoving your bare hands into right this minute have, statistically speaking, probably held many, many soggy used tissues from the previous owner. Their nasal discharge — or worse — remains, ready to haunt your thoughts.
Luckily, we’ve got some expert tips for choking back that rising wave of nausea from your new secondhand find. Of course, you could clean the jacket with disinfectant wipes when you bring it home. But that’s the easy cowardly route. To be really authentic, try these instead:
Tell yourself they only used a handkerchief that they kept in their jeans
Think about it. Would someone who owns a heavy-duty black leather motorcyle jacket ever buy something called “Puffs Plus With Lotion” or “Kleenex Ultra Soft”? No way. Even when they had the nastiest viruses ever, they never used a tissue. Good luck to whoever bought their jeans, though.
Stop being gross with your own nose
Every time you blow your own nose like a disgusting person and hold the damp little evidence, that’s another reminder that humans blow their noses and use tissues and then sometimes stuff them in their jacket pockets. So just stop. Snort it all back up and spit it out. Get a bucket or something. Whatever you do, absolutely no wiping, and you’ll be fine wearing your jacket.
Fuse the pockets shut
When the weather gets cold or you need to stash your AirPods or gum or lighter or whatever, that’s usually prime jacket pocket time. Not so fast! If you instead glue those pesky snot sacs shut, your hands will stay clean (albeit chilly) and you won’t have to think about the previous owner’s respiratory history ever again. Losing your jacket’s storage space is a small price to pay. Just hold everything.
Decide the person is hot
If all else fails, it’s pretty easy to stop being grossed out by anything as long as a person is incredibly hot. Make that vintage mucus likely lurking in your jacket unbelievably attractive by assuming that the previous owner was stunning. Every fluid that ever came out of them was pure and clean. Look, you have no proof that isn’t true. They’re hot and their hot body wore this jacket. Be careful, though. This trick might work so well that you start licking the jacket, and that’s still just gross.