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Shocking: George Santos Has Enough Decency to Actually Pay for OnlyFans

NEW YORK — Embattled Republican congressman George Santos shocked constituents and detractors alike when it was revealed he actually pays for OnlyFans content.

“When I saw the news about how Santos had spent his campaign funds I was just as shocked as anyone,” said OnlyFans creator Dan Steele. “My livelihood depends on people opening their wallets and pocketbooks to watch me stick my giant penis inside various baked goods. But so often I’ll see my content shared on free websites, every person who gets off to my videos without paying the $6 a month is basically stealing food out of my mouth and off of my engorged penis. I think George is a foul Republican stooge who scammed voters, but I’m hoping he doesn’t cancel on me. I could really use a little bump in exposure.”

Some supporters of Rep. Santos say they don’t mind his alleged misappropriation of funds.

“For all we know he was buying those porno videos in order to research how Hunter Biden is profiting from Ukraine. But it don’t seem like nobody is talking about that now,” said Santos supporter Eddie Calick, a mechanic on Long Island. “They are talking about him getting Botox and buying makeup from Sephora, so what? The guy just wants to make his wife nice and pretty. That’s money well spent. I wish my wife would do the same. I bought my wife a membership to the Gold’s Gym by her work and she called me an asshole.”

Rep. Santos continued to defend his use of campaign funds.

“I did nothing wrong. Those people sent me money, I used it for things I wanted. If your mother gives you a birthday card with $20 are you going to spend it on ad buys for a political campaign, or are you going to buy some nice foundation from Sephora that doesn’t get all over your suit? The choice is easy,” said Rep. Santos. “And with the economy in shambles thanks to Joe Biden’s policies I’m happy to support small businesses in the content creator space. If you want to talk about ‘ethics’ I’m actually more ethical than most people who consume erotic art online. These people are doing amazing things, and some of them will even make custom videos for you if you pay them enough.”

At press time, premium accounts for Pornhub, Spankbang, Brazzers, Czech Hunter, Redtube, and xHamster were all linked to Santos.