PORTLAND, Ore. — Local crust punk Rusty Steinman reportedly multiplied at a rapid rate after coming into direct contact with water, confirmed weirded out sources.
“Evidently, there are three rules of crust punks: Don’t expose them to bright light, don’t feed them after midnight, and do not get them wet. I didn’t realize that was actually true,” claimed fellow squat tenant Brian “Skud” Malone. “I was just watering my plant when Rusty burst in and walked right into me. He got water all over himself. The next thing I know, he’s on the ground, squirming, with this crazy steam coming off him, then these five slimy balls came shooting out of his back. Not too long later there were about four more of him. It was the oddest thing I’ve seen since I got backstage at an Insane Clown Posse show.”
Steinman seemed concerned but not enough to do anything about it.
“I don’t know what those things are, and I have no idea how the fuck they came out of my back,” explained Steinman. “They’re absolutely horrible, they have greasy matted hair, all sorts of weird ear piercings, ripped clothes, and hobnail boots, they look like a cross between a character from a Charles Dickens books and one of those weird cannibals from Mad Max, and don’t even get me started on the stench. I’m never touching water again.”
Experts explained that this is a “totally normal phenomenon” although one that is rarely witnessed in the wild.
“Have you ever noticed that crust punks are always just kind of there, but no one actually knows where they come from? Well, this is actually the true origin of crusts, if you get one wet, they reproduce. Cats have litters of kittens, and crusts have scutters of crustlets,” explained sociologist Max Fetters. “It’s actually quite a rare occurrence and crust numbers all over the world are dwindling. Most people think crusts look the way they do because they don’t clean themselves, but they actually have a deep-rooted aversion to water, and it’s because they don’t want to reproduce in public and leave their offspring vulnerable. A single skinhead could eat an entire scutter of crustles in seconds.”
At press time, it is believed that Steinman and the five crustlets formed a band and are due to play at a number of squat parties in the coming months.
Stealing goes against the code of the Samurai so we will stay clean during the film out of respect. But we still might pirate the soundtrack on LimeWire.
This biography told through symbolism and metaphors is one of the most visually pleasing films to ever exist. To symbolize our thievery actions, we will be providing finger shaped coupons, five to be exact, laid out to represent our five-finger discount. The coupons will each be dipped in honey to ensure they are sticky fingers as well. If you complain that the metaphor is too obvious and mixed, well EXCUSE us for not exactly being Armenian poet Sayat-Nova, let alone Sergei Parajanov!
Danny Boyle’s debut film about flatmates turning on each other will be a nice prelude to when you turn on your own roommates because you think they used up all the toilet paper. The truth is that we took it, but we’ll never tell.
Although this is through Criterion and therefore should be watched through a film theory eye, playing the music of these Beastie Boys is still a cultural significance that one is throwing a party. People will be hearing “No Sleep Till Brooklyn” outside your home and immediately know it is okay to head over. We will be playing the role of the worst party guests by drinking all your beer, pocketing ashtrays, and stealing jewelry from your bedroom.
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Snoochies boochies, we swiped your hockey jerseys!
Contemporary artist Takashi Murakami makes his debut as a director with a film that is loosely just Pokémon. Let Murakami’s trademark overbearing positivity wash over you as we take your prized possession, your holographic Charizard.
Draags a race of aliens who wear ripped spandex and are too busy doing new-age activities to notice how miserable their pets are. We all knew people like that when we were 19 but this time they’re blue giants with fins for ears. Experience a world of psychedelic empathy towards animals being transmitted into your pineal gland as some funky prog rock plays. We will be taking your lava lamps now.
“Repo Man” is a desolate alternate world where products don’t have any graphic design or mascots on them. Just thinking of the movie makes us glad to live in a world where the Cheerios Honey Bee exists. Enjoy the amazing soundtrack and fun acting of Emilio Estevez while we take all your name-brand products.
A goth boy falls in love with an elderly hippie who teaches him how to be a silly goose. Laugh together with this dark comedy on embracing life while we smuggle your toaster oven under your shirt. Only depressed people cook with those anyway.
Soviet movies are always so upbeat, so this one about a Nazi occupation must be no different. This example of vicarious PTSD is the kind of film you make British gang members watch while you perform prison experiments to make them give up listening to Beethoven and wearing codpieces. With any luck, you too will be disposing of your Beethoven records and codpieces in the trash for us to take. Cheer up though, Nazis were defeated and now we don’t have to worry about any other governments committing war crimes, right?
Queen Elizabeth I has time-traveled to see our beautiful England destroyed in the ruins of punk rock. Derek Jarman’s safety-pinned satire stars several punk icons of the scene playing broke, violent wankers who keep their mattresses on the floor. Everyone in this movie may sleep on the floor, but not in the real world, not anymore. The point I’m saying is that we took your bed frame.
Tarkovsky brings a slow, atmospheric aesthetic to give the viewer a real feeling of what it is like to journey through the mysterious wasteland known only as “The Zone”. You will be sucked into this desolate world of uncertainty and wonder if the journey to the “Room” is worth it all. Do you truly know what your deepest desires are? I know what mine are and it’s to have your autographed Bon Jovi poster.
Watch Spike Lee’s 1989 film on racism, police brutality, and reactions to it with your whitest friend. If you are white, watch it with your most racist relative. Afterwards discuss Mookie’s actions to reveal enough about the person afterwards. To make it more immersive to the film we will be taking your air conditioner.
Criterion films are your new flesh. The outstanding special effects and acting of Debbie Harry is but one cell of this new skin. Your new flesh tells your senses that you no longer need your Furby collection. Give it to us.
Try the Chit Chat Challenge. You’ve lived next to your neighbor for two years and still don’t know his name, so can you converse with them for more than three minutes? The hardest part is the phrases, “Nice weather we’re having” and “Did you catch the game last night?” are strictly forbidden. Bonus points if you can record the interaction without making it look like you’re about to run to the HOA and accuse them of stealing your mail.
Do you have what it takes to impress a room full of family members that you haven’t seen in a decade? This is more of a challenge for millennials who have no idea what artists the DJ is playing, so unless you plan on doing the “running man” for three hours straight you better bring your A-game.
There is a shocking number of legal adults who do not know how to boil water. In the name of all that is holy, it’s two fucking steps. Each day we are inching closer to midnight on the Idiocracy doomsday clock and may soon find ourselves wondering again if the sun revolves around the Earth. In the name of all that is holy just prove that you can make macaroni and cheese.
Everyone has failed this challenge. Don’t even bother, it doesn’t matter.
Hey, remember being alone with your thoughts? Try recording yourself driving to work or whatever destination causes you the most stress without a podcast about dead white women or the same album you’re been listening to since you were 17. You might finally figure out how to get your life together, but there have been a few challengers who’ve tried this and gone insane. Remember: if you stare into the interstate, the interstate stares back.
Jesus once said that man cannot survive on bread alone, but that was before it cost $7 a loaf. Since it costs half a paycheck if you want produce not seasoned by pesticides, those who’ve answered the challenge have found nifty life hacks to stretch their budget. Spoiler alert: it’s shoplifting.
